Yesterday was lovely and spring like.  I took Heidi for a long walk and we even got to have a short walk through a small stand of trees.  The warm weather meant I got out to the backyard to poop scoop and I noticed some perennials already coming up through the melting snow.  

I've spent most of today spring cleaning which is nice to get done.  We're not allowed to visit Katie and she doesn't like phones or technology.  I did call and have her staff put me on speaker phone but she walked away, in disgust I'm guessing:)

Work was tough last week.  We had a patient code on us, probably an anaphylactic reaction to the CT dye she had received for her scan.  She collapsed and stopped breathing.  The room filled with people and we all worked together to resuscitate her.  One of our x-ray techs, a big guy, started doing compressions while I started an IV on the patient.  They got a pulse back on her and she was sent over the University hospital.  We don't have an emergency or ICU.  For emergencies we call 911 too.  It was stressful and I'm good in a crisis but I always have a cry when it's over.  The patient is alive and recovering which doesn't happen often when people are coded.

Our hospital/clinic has only 58 inpatient beds, either really sick patients like lymphoma patients, patients getting stem cell transplants or sometimes people from out of town.  We serve a large area, all of Northern Alberta, the NWT and northern BC as well.  One of the inpatients now has COVID-19 which scares me, not only for the inpatients but also for the staff.

We've spent the week trying to keep our distance from patients while starting IVs and keeping patients at a distance from each other, while cleaning and hand sanitizing and trying not to touch our faces which is way harder than you think.  Every day there are new protocols and checks in place when we enter the building.  All of us are stressed and worried that this has only just begun.  However, we are all working together well and helping each other.  The one coworker who is a pain in the ass comes back to work tomorrow so we'll how that goes.

 I'm scared I'll die or someone I love will die.  I think everyone is.  I know mentally that most people will get this virus and they'll get sick and recover but there is a small percentage who won't.  We will all die and I know this but I don't want anyone to die right now, not from this.  And I have no control over that.  I wash my hands.  I stay home when I'm not working but it's still out of my control and I am a control enthusiast which is a nicer way of saying control freak:)

Something good today.  I saw this and loved it.

I got my quilt back from the quilter.  I have just have to sew binding on so that's a project for this weekend.

Another good thing, I still get my hugs from the big guy.  He gives the best hugs ever.

Take care people.

My morning coffee break in the sunroom.  Tables and chairs have been turned upside down and the remaining tables are all spread apart so that we can have social distancing.  Normally this room is full, of tables and people.

Work involves more questions, more uncertainity, more paranoia and more work because there is now more cleaning going on as well as everything else.

It feels like we're all just waiting to get sick.  It's coming.  We know it's coming but we don't know when.  I have a cough.  It's my stomach, right?  I've had a chronic cough for a year or two due to acid reflux.  The medications I use to reduce the acid make me feel suicidal so I take them sparingly.  Every time anyone coughs now, all eyes are on that person.  I sneezed at the end of my shift, very loudly because I always sneeze loudly and one of the young nurses said, "COVID"  instead of bless you.  I thought it was funny but then a part of my wonders, is this it?  Am I getting sick?

I check my temperature at the beginning of my shift and at the end of my shift.  I'm running my ass off and sweating and then I'm cold and then I have a hot flash so I have no idea if I have a fever.  I don't but I have to take my temperature to prove that to myself.  

Am I short of breath?  Maybe.  I don't know.

I'm tired even though it's really only the first week here where things have really changed.  Restaurants only have take out.  There is no chicken for sale at Sobeys, or pasta, or canned tomatoes, or...  The drive to work is faster because there are fewer cars on the road.  Signs up on windows, "We're Closed Due To COVID-19".  The off leash dog park got shut down, even though it's huge and outdoors and people don't congregate and we need fresh air now more than ever.  

It's the first week of what will be a long campaign in dealing with COVID-19 and I'm already tired.  I am thankful I don't have children in daycare or school though, there's that.  My neighbor's kids have been sleeping with her all week because they're terrified.  

Everybody is anxious.  I'm anxious.  I'm stress baking.  It's hard to sleep.  It's kinda scary.

My son is from a relationship I had when I was very young.  I never married his father thank goodness but I have kept in touch with his family all these years, almost forty years now.  And apparently I hit publish instead of save.

I talked to my son's aunt the other night.  She's six years older than me and we've kept in touch off and on over the years.  She's a lovely woman.  She and her brother and sister are helping to keep their mom, my grandson's great grandma Mary, out of a nursing home.

I knew that Mary, I'll call her Mary, had been in residential school but I didn't realize that she had also spent two years in hospital in Edmonton with tuberculosis.  That's where she learned to knit.  I can't imagine spending two years away from your family, stuck in a hospital, as a teenager.  Mary is Cree and was born on a reserve south of here.  I can't imagine going to residential school either.  Mary has Alzheimer's now and is interesting to talk to.  She's always been a kind woman who always put her family first and she considers me family as well.

Last summer the big guy and I drove down to Red Deer to visit her so that she could meet her great grandson.  She was pretty happy.

This post is not particularly well written I'm afraid.  We've had the little guy for most of the weekend and we're both beat.  Back to work tomorrow.

Stay healthy.

I came home from work today because we had extra staff and I have a horrible headache that doesn't want to go away.  I stopped for a few groceries on the way home.  The store was the busiest I've ever seen it.  There was a person directing people to the cashiers because there was such a long lineup, something I didn't notice until after I was in line.  I cut the line which is a very unCanadian thing to do but when I realized that I had, I just didn't care.

I have food and medications and of course toilet paper.  I have dog food and cat food because god forbid we should run out of cat food.  There would be hell to pay.

There are signs up everywhere at work with the signs and symptoms of COVID-19 as well as staff screening patients and visitors at the entrances of my hospital.  The outpatient clinics are going to be done by phone for now so way less patients in the hospital in general. There are far less cars on the road as people start working from home.

One of the young nurses was so frustrated and crying because she may not be able to go on her holiday to Columbia in two weeks.  It sucks but it could be worse.

Europe has just been announced as the epicentre of the virus outbreak now.

In nine months there will be a baby boom.  Just saying.

Something to make us all smile.

As you can see, we still have lots of snow.  I'm so thankful we adopted Heidi and now spend time everyday among the trees.  The walks are good for all of us, fresh air, exercise, trees, all good.  I've had a bit of time off these past few weeks, burning up leftover vacation time which is nice.  I've always got lots of things to do at home and it's nice to have the time to do them.  

The quilt is coming along.  It's sewn together and now I need to put a border on it and then send it for quilting.  It turned out even nicer than I thought it would and I'm so pleased with it.  The colors make me happy.  It's a wedding gift for a young friend whose favorite color is teal.  I hope she likes it.

I looked at my retirement investments this morning, even though I thought it was a bad idea.  It was a bad idea.  My portfolio is down a lot.  I know it will eventually come back up but still...

The virus is a hot topic everywhere now.  If only half of the earth's population gets sick and 2% die, that's still 150 million people.  Two percent of a big number is a lot.  Nobody has immunity to this virus, except those who have recovered.  Anybody with preexisting diseases such as cancer, diabetes, COPD, and the frail and elderly are at increased risk.  People over 85 have a 15% risk of death from the virus.  The biggest concern I have is our health care system which is already maxed out.

In the mean time, life goes on.  Heidi has the right idea.  Stay calm and sleep.

My depression is lifting which is always a good feeling.  I listen to Tapestry on CBC radio on Sundays if I can.  Rabbi Harold Kushner was the guest and he was talking about dealing with serious disappointment.  My dream as a child was to be a mother, to have a family.  I wanted my children to be close to me.  I wanted to have family suppers on Sundays with my children, their spouses and their children.  I wanted to be a grandma like my own mum.  That was my dream.  I didn't really care about my job, I wanted a family, a better family than my own family.

I didn't get that and giving up that dream has been hard for me.  

Listening to Rabbi Kushner talk made me realize how stuck I was with my dream and how hard I had hung onto it, even to my own detriment.  I have a lot of love in my heart and I need to give it to someone.  I love my grandson and that love is returned.  I love my husband.  I love my animals.  I love my friends.  I love my patients.  Perhaps my dream of family is a dream of giving love and I can still do that, it will just look different than I imagined.


If you click on Rabbi Kushner's name above it will take you to the broadcast.