Saturday, October 18, 2014

This is one of my favorite places in the world. 

It's been a difficult week, again.  I ran into another friend at work who is starting her cancer journey, one that will end with her death.  Two friends, two different cancers, two deaths. 

On Thursday, a co-worker (the one drives my crazy), made a patient's father cry with her insensitivity and her need to follow every single fucking rule, whether it applies to this situation or not, it didn't.  I confronted her, lost my cool, reported her to my manager.  Blah, blah, blah.  Nothing changes. 

I did have a job interview for another job, still within my hospital, but in outpatients.  We shall see.  I did cry during the interview, which might not have been a good idea, like I have any control over my tear ducts.  The last question in the interview was, What is your purpose in life?  I talked about souls and journeys and love and then started crying.  What can I say?  I am who I am. 

I have decided not to keep Annie the beagle.  Although she is a lovely dog, it's more responsibility than I want right now.  It was a trial adoption and next weekend she will go to a foster home. 

I've also decided to open my own photography business, which terrifies me.  What if I'm not good enough?  What if I screw up?  I still don't really understand the technical side of photography but I'm learning it.  I'm the kind of person who learns by doing.  My big guy bought me a lovely filter for my birthday in September which I learned how to use.  I love it!  I can learn.  I just have to believe that my work is worth money and work out the logistics. 

It's a beautiful day here today, warm, sunny and all the leaves have changed color.  I'm off to the river valley to take photos.

Take care.

Friday, October 10, 2014

It's Thanksgiving this weekend.  My son and his girlfriend will be over for supper on Sunday.  I wanted to go hiking with them this weekend in the mountains but they're both too busy with school.  My daughter in Vancouver will skype with us on Sunday.  I miss her but she's busy with school too.  I have to laugh because neither one of them graduated from high school and they're both getting business degrees.  We'll see Katie on Monday;  if the weather's still nice, we'll have a wiener roast down by the river and bring the dog.

We have a dog living with us, Annie.  She's here for a trial.  She's a very sweet, loving, well behaved beagle but I'm still not sure I want a dog in an apartment which is something I should have thought about for longer before taking her in.  I do like to delude myself though.  When I want something I tend to gloss over reality and tell myself that it will be fine.  We'll see.

The big guy and I spent last weekend recharging our batteries in Jasper.  The mountains were wonderful and worked their magic. 

I'm still finding work difficult.  Another friend of mine showed up yesterday.  She has ovarian cancer and the surgeon couldn't remove all of the cancer.  She's a year younger than me.  There have just been so many sad stories lately.  There is also so much love where I work.  I see men caring for their wives, wives caring for their husbands, friends supporting and loving their friends, parents coming in with their middle aged children who are now dying before the parents.  It's a difficult place to work but a wonderful place as well.  I think it's all just to close right now with my girlfriend dying of cancer as well. 

I called my girlfriend this past week.  I'm reluctant to go over their because I don't want to interfere with the time she has with her family.  She asked me how I was and I told her that I was feeling depressed.  When she asked why I told her I was sad because she was dying and she said, "Oh Deb, I'm sorry." I pointed out to her that she was the one with the cancer.  She told me how much food people have been bringing over.  Nobody knows what to do, myself included, so we make food.  She said that one week they had six batches of homemade cinnamon buns.  I couldn't stop laughing.  Her girls are sick of lasagna, another staple apparently.  She has all her siblings coming this weekend to see her and I told her to make sure that she lets them take of her. 

I'm reading a book right now called "For Joshua" by Richard Wagamese.  He is an alcoholic, estranged from his sons due to his alcoholism.  It's a book for his son but it's a book about living as an alcoholic as well.  I have a hard time with alcoholics, they cause so much collateral damage to those living around them but this book helps me to understand the reasons that he drank.  We all have our addictions. 

Things I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving weekend.

A long weekend.
A beautiful, warm, sunny day.
A dog to walk with.
My children.
The big guy.
My friends.
My bed, very soon.

What are you thankful for today?

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Things I'm thankful for today.

Spoke with my dying girlfriend on the phone.  We laughed and cried. 
Walked in the river valley.
Made meals for Katie.
Made carrot muffins.
Scrubbed the bathroom.
Lots of hugs and understanding from the big guy.  He's a good man and I'm lucky to have him in my life.

Monday, October 6, 2014

My favorite waterfall, Tangle Creek Falls.  The big guy and I spent the weekend in Jasper, wandering around the mountains, taking photos and walking our new dog, Annie.

Annie is a seven year old beagle with food allergies.  Who knew dogs could be allergic to foods.  They eat shit after all.  She is a lovely dog though, good natured and good with cats which is a plus.

I continue to think about death more than is probably good for me.  Another friend emailed me last week to let me know that she's just had a mass removed from her abdomen and that she would be visiting me at work.  I do love my work but I truly wish that cancer did not exist. 

I find myself often thinking about my girlfriend, saying goodbye to her girls, saying goodbye to her friends and family, to her husband and I wonder how she can get up each day.  But it's not like she has a choice.  I miss her already and she's not even dead and then I feel bad.  I know it's called anticipatory grief but it's still grief and that's exactly what it feels like. 

I try to remember there are always things to be thankful for.  I remember when the kids were little, sometimes the only thing I was grateful for was that I didn't yell at them that day. 

Today the things I'm grateful for:

The sunshine and warm weather.
Fall leaves and cool nights.
A full moon.
A weekend in the mountains surrounded by beauty.
Friends and hugs.
My bed.

What are you thankful for today?