The weather here continues to be mild and most of the snow is gone.  The sun remains low in the in sky, even at noon.  I'm looking forward to the longer days.

I'm home sick today, probably with whatever made Jack sick on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  He recovered quite quickly and I imagine I will too.  Jack comes home this afternoon.  Even though he keeps us busy, we miss him when he's gone.

My son came over last Saturday for supper.  I tried to reach him to ask him if he was coming but couldn't reach him by phone.  He showed up about 1:30 in the afternoon when Jack and Poppa were out doing Christmas shopping.  He is sober and that's about it.  He got angry with me because he said I lied about trying to call him.  I have probably five numbers in my phone for him and obviously, I texted and called the wrong number.  He only stayed for about thirty minutes but it was a long thirty minutes.  He was angry about everything.  I did suggest he see a counselor and that was not the right thing to say.  So, although he's sober, he has done no work on himself, especially the whole looking at yourself in the mirror part.  Everything wrong in his life is my fault.

He scared me enough for me to leave the house and go over to my neighbor's, who was very kind and took me in until my son left.  My son stormed out of the house but then had to wait in the driveway until his cab came.  He has no license due DUIs and not paying any child maintenance.  He threw Jack's gifts in the garbage and left, all the while sending me angry texts.

When he had gone, I fished the gifts out of the garbage and they became gifts from Santa for Jack.  My son said he would block me on his phone, but he wants the money he sent me, and then yesterday, he asked if we had any spare furniture for his new apartment.  And so it goes.

My son won't look at himself.  He said he has no family or friends, which is true, because he has used everybody, both family and friends.  It's up to him to make amends to those he's hurt but I'm not holding my breath.  

The whole thing upset me for a little bit but really, it's just more of the same with him.  I think it upset my hubby more and I'm so thankful Jack didn't have to see any of it; Jack's been through enough.

Otherwise, life goes on.  The sun is shining and it's above 0C which is lovely.  Two years ago on this date the temperature was -35C.  Mild weather makes winter much easier to take.

Huron Carol by Tom Jackson

 This guy keeps me going.

Happy Solstice.  We get seven hours and twenty-eight hours of daylight today.  Our yard faces straight east, note how far south the sun is.  Sigh.  On the upside, virtually all of the snow has melted so driving and getting around has been easy.

Charlie and Jack have become best friends.  Jack is so excited about Christmas this year.  He woke up at 4:30 am this morning and wanted to know if it was time to open his gifts.  I'm guessing the next three mornings will be the same.  He and Poppa have a plan for what to leave out for Santa, and no fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve.  Jack also wants to see what reindeer poop looks like, because Poppa told Jack that he had seen some reindeer poop in the gutters when he was putting up the Christmas lights.  I wonder if reindeer poop looks anything like elk poop, and I just looked it up and yes, reindeer poop does indeed look like elk poop.  Good to know.

I'm still struggling with depression and feeling overwhelmed.  Last week I cried twice at work and this week, only once, so far.  Yesterday I had a patient who seemed fine, but I was having a hard time finding a vein on her.  We were really busy and I was alone with ten patients to start drinking, screen them and start their IVs.  Plus this poor lady, whose arm I had to heat for ten minutes and then I still blew her vein. She said she hated this time of year and was tired of people saying, I'm sure 2024 will be better.  She said she didn't know if she would even live through 2024, and then she burst into tears, at which point, I did too.  I gave her a good long hug and then found another nurse to start her IV, someone who was not crying.  She broke my heart.

There are so many new patients and so few old patients.  Some days it feels like an assembly line of sickness and death, which I can deal with when I'm not depressed.  But when I'm depressed, every hour of work feels like an eternity and I keep saying in my mind, only one more day this week.  Next week, I only work two days.  I can do this.  Keep going. 

Another patient, when I asked her if she was ready for Christmas, said, that it didn't really matter.  Christmas would come and go, regardless of whether or not she was ready.  It's only a day she said.  That helped me.  I put a lot of pressure on myself, along with most women, to make Christmas special.  Baking, cooking, cleaning, buying and wrapping of gifts, decorating, and socializing, most of it left to women to organize and accomplish.  It's a lot.

On Christmas day we'll open Jack's stocking and gift from Santa and then take him to his grandma's for a few days.  We'll go pick up Katie and take her out for lunch, at McDonalds, her favorite, and then go home.  The two of us will have supper in front of the TV.  There will be no large family gatherings, no elaborate meal and I guess a part of me misses that.  Not that family gatherings were all that wonderful in my family but it was a tradition.  

Mostly I'm tired and sad.  My back is killing me and I'm tired of everything.  I know this will pass.  It always does.  I'm having a massage for my back at noon and then I'll take the dogs out for a walk at the dog park.  

Another huge plus, my friend in Australia, has just emerged from her own dark pit.  We're a pair.  I'm looking forward to reconnecting with her.  

 

The black dog has caught up to me again, even walks at the dog park are not chasing it away.  I can feel it on my face, just under my eyes and I want to cry a lot.  I miss my children, not my son so much, although I do wish he could get his shit together.  My daughter's memory is getting worse and she's using a cane to get around.  I'll get a hug from Miss Katie today which will help.

It's that time of year.  The long, dark nights get to me.  I worry about my middle daughter and her health.  I worry about Jack.  Kindergarten registration starts in less than two months and I know it will be a fight and a shitshow with his mother when I register him for kindergarten here and not in Edmonton.  She doesn't have a job and there is no way she can get to Jack to school on a regular basis but none of that will matter to her because it's only about her.  

Last night Jack stayed with his other grandma for the night, hubby and I went out for supper.  I started thinking about our lives before Jack was born.  We used to have fun.  We used to travel.  We had a life.  Now we have a 4.5 year old to care for, which I'm happy to do, but the other side of the family don't seem to understand that we had a life.  I'm resentful I guess.

And sad.  I'm not a fan of Christmas.  It makes me sad because it never lives up to the hype, does not meet expectations.  

Jack is back this afternoon.  Perhaps I'll take him to the dog park with me.  It is beautiful and as you can see, we've finally had snow.

 

Florence + The Machine - Free

Me today.

\

I'm rage cleaning, with music full blast.  I'm crying, thinking about all of the children in the world, dying because of the decisions made by adults, mostly male, in the name of religion ( the religions of god with different names and the religion of wealth and power), all of it, just makes me so angry.

Update.  

The house is vacuumed and the old toilet upstairs has been removed.  I will attempt to install the new toilet this weekend.  A lot of rage was expended on this toilet and that helped.  And thank you for the comments.  I'm not alone.