I've been so tired for so long it seems.  This morning I woke up at six and drove the big guy to work so I could use the car today.  I felt so tired when I got home that I lay down on my bed and woke up two hours later.  I never nap and I slept for two hours and feel less tired.

It's raining today which is turning the world green even as I watch.  Everyday the ferns shoot towards the sky, growing inches in a day it seems.  My perennials are all coming back, despite Heidi's best efforts to trample them. 

I had a dream this morning about an old girlfriend who broke up with me ten years ago.  She told me I was too angry.  Mostly she was angry with me because I left my husband and then went back to him after a year.  In fact the last time I saw her for a visit, I had just moved back in with my husband and she had literally bitten her tongue and it was infected.  We had to visit a walk in doctor's clinic while I was there;  she ended up needing antibiotics. 

I haven't heard from her since.  She broke my heart.  We were friends for almost thirty years.  In my dream she was using a cane and falling down frequently.  It was a strange mashed up dream which involved shopping for drinking glasses, a flat Christmas tree, long line ups at Canadian tire and a boyfriend of hers' that I had never met.  She kept fainting and falling.  Her boyfriend kept insisting she was okay.  I was worried about her.

I still miss her sometimes.  We were the kind of friends that talked about everything and I miss that.  I have new friends now but none that knew me for so long, or whom I have shared so much with.

I'm finding the pandemic difficult, as is everyone.  The world on hold.  All of us waiting for the other shoe to drop.  A clown in the US making execrable statements on a daily basis.  There are no words to describe what a despicable a human being he is.  To listen to his voice or read his words feels like you have had shit thrown at you.  You can't believe anybody would do that, throw shit at you, and yet, there it is.  A shower is required afterwards and still the dirty feeling and the smell of shit lingers.

I did manage to book us three nights in a cabin for August which feels like such a long ways away but it's something to hold onto.  A small bit of normalcy and nature to make the world feel like a better place right now. 

I can't even imagine how my patients keep going.  Most of them have been self isolating for so long, that part isn't different, but now there is the added layer of a highly contagious, lethal virus for them to deal with.  There is a lot of grief in the world right now, and not just for lost loved ones, but for all the losses we took for granted.

Time to pull my head out of my ass, have a shower and go find some lovely flowers to plant in my planter. 

Stay safe my friends.

We finally made it back out to Beaver Hills on the weekend and it was glorious.  We met only five people on our walk and three of them were a father with his two little boys who loved our dogs.    The sky was blue, the paths were dry and the frogs were singing.  It was a slice of heaven.

Yesterday at work I had a patient whom I remembered.  She's missing an ear and her thyroid glad was moved for safety and placed in her arm.  We talked a little about swearing and how much we enjoy it and then I poked her with a needle for her IV.   "Fuck, fuck, fuck.  Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!", she started yelling and swearing up a storm and then I remembered her very vividly.  I had to laugh and told her that although I think she is a lovely woman, I still prefer dudes. She laughed too and said, "I like penises too."  Good thing I'm always professional at work:)

After work we decided to go for a walk at the now reopened off leash park nearby.  We walked there most days after work after we adopted Heidi so had only walked through the trees in the winter.  We started off and it was a little muddy but manageable.  Then we got a little further and there were pools of standing water on the pathway;  we had a lot of rain on Sunday and Monday.  We made it to the last hill before leaving the dog park and on our way down the hill through the trees the pathway became more of a river/lake with lots of mud thrown in.

Heidi is fine off leash but Lucy needs to stay on her leash because she bolts after rabbits and we've grown fond of her.  So now we're bush whacking our way through the undergrowth which is mostly dogwood, a lot of wild roses with lots of thorns and a lot of dead wood for good measure with pointy bits sticking up with a small beagle lunging at the end of her leash and getting caught in every tree and shrubbery.

We tried that for awhile but could see not way out onto the dry field that we knew was ahead of us.  Finally it was wade through the mud and water or be stuck there forever.  I took two steps in the mud and couldn't get my foot out.  Actually, I could get my foot out but not my shoe.  The big guy hung onto me and Lucy while I pulled my shoe free from the mud.

At that point we decided the water was the safer route.  I don't like water and I don't like wet feet.  I love swimming but water that I don't know what's at the bottom freaks me out.  I rolled up my pants and started wading with a few squeals, convinced I was stepping on something rotting or half alive.  The water only came up about ten inches but still felt freaky.

We finally made it out of the trees and scrub, onto the dry grass field, looking somewhat bedraggled and muddy.  When we got home, both dogs had sponge baths on the back deck and the big guy and I got cleaned up.  It wasn't funny at the time but looking back it was.  Well, now we know.  Stay out of the woods after a rain and in the spring time.  We now have local knowledge:)

After the mud and clean up, the big guy went and bought us some BBQ which was delicious.  The whole thing was farce but we had a good laugh.