Thursday, May 30, 2019

This was my view yesterday morning on my walk in the river valley before work.  This morning we couldn't even see the downtown skyline because of the smoke from the forest fires raging north of us.  High Level is almost 750 km north of us and the wind has driven the smoke south.  The sun is an eerie orange color and it smells like smoke.

The trees are all blooming which is lovely.

The poor cat hasn't figured out how to open the retractable screen door, yet.  I imagine she will.  The dog has it figured out.  She just runs at if head on and it snaps back.  We have a neighbor cat that spends a lot of time outdoors; it was a barn cat when it was born.  The little girl next door loves picking him up and throwing him outside.  I like seeing cats outside, despite the coyotes and cars but our cat takes a much dimmer view of having a strange cat in her yard, eating her catnip, laying on her deck.  Bagheera now spends countless hours staring out of the window, ever vigilant.

I'm feeling much better.  I stopped the pepcid and three days later the depression has lifted, no thoughts of death.  My doctor doesn't really believe me but this is the second time that this has happened on pepcid and it happens very quickly;  I go straight to feeling suicidal which is very scary.  I can take pepcid once in awhile but if I take it daily, it's bad.

I'm going to pick up my grandson soon and we're going to the nursery to buy more plants.  The big guy has built me another planter and he requested vegetables and herbs, so we're off.

Monday, May 27, 2019

This photo is what I feel like today, dark and grey.  Depression has descended once again and I hate depression.  It hit full force yesterday but I think it's been building for a couple of weeks.  Three weeks of being short staffed, really sick patients and an ungrateful son who brings his own grey cloud with him wherever he goes.

My feet have been really sore and the extensor tendonitis came back so I had to take naproxen for a few days which upsets my stomach and gives my heartburn, so I take Pepcid more than I should and then depression sets in and it feels like it's here forever.

I know it will pass.  I know this but it doesn't feel like it.  I keep crying.  I keep doing my usual stuff.  This weekend I baked, worked in the yard, planted more perennials, cleaned the house and did the laundry but all of it felt like I was moving through molasses.  Everything was hard but I didn't want to stop moving.  The world is grey and slow and I want to lay down and just stop moving.  The day is endless and something to be endured.

I know it will pass.

Update.  I'm starting to feel much better.  Thank you everyone for the kind words.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Nothing much going on in my life.  The co-worker who drives me nuts is back to her old tricks, making mountains of out molehills.  That woman doesn't have a clue.  She was a team player for almost two months but that's over.

My garden is up and growing.  Veg are planted.  I'll fertilize the lawn today after I cut it.

I'm feeling irritable today but not sure why.  

Solved my problem.  I went outside and worked in the garden, then I cleaned out and rearranged my mud room.  Got rid of some of that unwanted, irritable energy.  

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Prairie crocus.  A lovely little flower that is one of the first one to bloom around here.

We had our grandson over yesterday for awhile to give his mama a break.  He's grown so much and looks at everything, pays attention, tries to copy your facial expressions.  He's such a good little baby.

My own son still doesn't get it.  I asked him to give us three days notice if he wants to come over to visit his son and he can't be bothered to do that.  It's not like I'm asking for two weeks notice, just three days notice because we also have a life and want to do things on the weekend.  But no, the world only revolves around him.  He's still not paying child support and last weekend when he was supposed to show up to see his son, he never did.

It's nice to have four days off right now.  The past two weeks have been really tough at work.  Short staffed and really sick patients.  A twenty-six year old girl who was palliative.  A forty-two year old woman with stage four bowel cancer, only diagnosed three weeks ago and already in agony and dying.  Old patients that no longer show up because they've died.  All of it is worse when there are not enough nursing bodies.

But today there is the garden and sunshine and birdsong.  Last night I went to the nursery after we dropped our grandson off with his mama and I just wandered around, enjoying all the flowers.  I bought plants too, obviously because I can't go to a nursery without buying plants.  I bought something called a haskap shrub.  It's from the honeysuckle family and is indigenous to Canada so I'm hopeful.

Right now the sun is shining and the sheets are in the washing machine and I'm off to get groceries.  I'm hopeful the garden and sun will work their magic and feed my soul.  

What feeds your soul?

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

The flowers are have started to bloom.  The grass is turning green and the leaves are appearing on the trees.  I hung my sheets on the line to dry last Saturday.  It is truly, finally spring.

I'm continuing the loving kindness meditation.  It's getting easier and I feel good doing it.  I'm even including myself in the meditation.

"May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease."

Being kind to myself.

We leave for our holiday in a month.  Two weeks in Newfoundland which I'm very much looking forward to.  Puffins and icebergs.  Gros Morne National Park and L'Anse Aux Meadows.  There's even a town called Dildo.

And then this tonight.

Time to cuddle our grandson.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

It's been a difficult week.  We were short at work all week.  Monday was the worst day, all manner of things going wrong.  Transport patients, patients parked in hallways, overtime, add ons,  too busy to keep everything flowing smoothly.  I don't like that and that is when mistakes get made.  The lady who was parked in the hall for an hour because nobody told the nurses she was there, or that she was a transport patient, or that she needed transport home.  That's shameful to me.  We got her sorted out but I don't like it when my patients slip between the cracks.  It's not right.

Last Friday I had a young woman the same age as my middle daughter who is on palliative chemo for bowel cancer.  That breaks my heart.  She was dealing with it but it hurt me.  Yesterday I interviewed a woman for her central line, she's going for a stem cell transplant.  When I started talking about the line her eyes teared up and she needed the bathroom.  I told her I would give her some time and then come back.  Cancer and treatment often becomes too real when you need a central line.  It's an external identifier that there is something really wrong with your body.  You can see it all the time and it can't be avoided.  At least that's my theory.

And yesterday an older couple from Gaza, nearly immigrated here, only five months and the wife has lymphoma.  Going through cancer treatment in a foreign language in a foreign country must be so hard.  They were a lovely couple and I told them I was glad that they were safe and living here now.

I'm trying to avoid dealing with my son.  It always turns into a complicated loop of half truths, lies and avoidance.  When you ask him a question he doesn't like or point out something he doesn't want to deal with, he just pretends it didn't happen.  I need to step further back and just be there for my grandson, allow my son his visit and then stay out of his life.  It's too painful for me.

Gracie asked my son for $300/month for child support which I think is more than fair.  My son wants to be more "involved" with his son's life so wants to shop for him.  I pointed out that shopping is about "you" not your son.  Then he shows up with bags of second clothes that someone has given him and thinks he's supporting his son.  My son who has a Gucci man purse but can't or won't supply funds for the care of his son.  It makes me feel sick to my stomach and brings back so many bad memories of this very same disagreement from thirty-five years ago between me and my son's father.
And the big guy is angry and frustrated as well and that upsets me.  He's angry because my son hurts me and then I feel upset.  It's a circle jerk of anger all around and I want it to stop which I guess is up to me.

I'm so tired of always being the responsible one, of taking care of everyone else, of putting my needs aside for others.  I wanted to go for an early lunch at work yesterday and I had a difficult time doing even that.  I danced around the issue and then finally said, "I'm hungry, do you mind if I go for lunch first?"  And that was hard.  Why???????????????????

Nobody else seems to have a problem asking for what they want, or just taking what they want.

This morning I'm taking Miss Katie to the doctor to have her medication prescription renewed and to have her pre-op papers filled in for her upcoming dental surgery.  It's my day off.  I would love to work in the yard or quilt but I will do this for my daughter.  Her father won't, nor will he say thank you.  In fact when she was seventeen years old he moved 1000km away.  I'm tired of his shit too.

Apparently the loving kindness meditation hasn't quite kicked in:)

Thursday, May 2, 2019

Walk down in the river valley this morning.  Snow, fog, birdsong, peace.  Lovely.

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

I'm still reading the book, "Love 2.0" and trying to practice the loving kindness meditation.  May you by safe.  May you be healthy.  May you be happy.  May you live with ease.  Time will tell if I continue on with this meditation and if it truly does help me to be more positive.  I hope.  Always.

One of Gracie's cats died suddenly yesterday.  He was a stray cat that she took in.  She had both of her cats neutered a few months ago.  Apparently poor Charlie hadn't been peeing and nobody knew.  I was cleaning the littler boxes but with two cats you can't tell if one isn't peeing.  He had a blockage in his urethra and died of renal failure.  Gracie is pretty upset and blamed herself.  The big guy and I  went over there last night and listened while she told us what happened.  We told her it's not her fault.  She thought life was unfair and that too many bad things happen and I agreed with her.  

So I got to cuddle the new guy last night for awhile which is lovely, even as I had tears in my eyes because I love my animals too and wouldn't want them to suffer.  

I finally finished Miss Katie's quilt and I will give it to her for her birthday in a couple of months.  She won't care but I will know that she has a quilt that I made just for her.  It was my first real quilt that I made, a sampler really and has lots of imperfections but it allowed me to learn a lot and I am thankful that Katie won't judge me for it.

My son will be over this weekend to visit the little guy.  Last Friday my son harassed me all day with text messages accusing me of using his son against him among other things.  By the end of the day I was mentally worn out.  He needs to get into counselling because he is messed up.  He has no skills for dealing with disappointment or conflict.  He bounces around like a ping pong ball, trying all kinds of things, guilt, anger, trying to please, ignoring, lying and avoidance, all within the span of an hour.  It's exhausting.  I have told him that my main concern is not him but his son, that this is about keeping his son safe and cared for.  I have told him that, when you have children it is no longer about you, it's about your child.  He says, yeah, yeah, yeah and then calls Gracie at 11:30 pm telling her that he wants to drop off diapers.  

WTF!  He's not allowed to visit where she lives.  He signed a peace bond which lasts for a year and if he breaks it he is subject to a maximum of four years in jail and still he persists.  I understand that he wants to see his son but he is a threat to his son as well.  It's tiring.

Time for meditation I suppose:)