Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I'm cranky this morning.  I fell asleep finally around eleven last night.  The cat woke me up at midnight and then the big guy at three.  The cat woke me up again at four and I woke up at five.  I am fucking tired and grumpy.  I dreamed about Betty Crocker gunning down 63 dignitaries in a third world country, because she was pissed.  I dreamed about making kitten soup, the secret being you must first cut the tail off of the kitten, and the beak.  Needless to say I do not feel rested. 

And it's snowing.  Again.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

It was too cold today to go for a walk down by the river.  Last week was a good walk though.  In the winter I have to hang onto those good walks, remember them, they help me make it through the cold, dark season.  Yesterday was the solstice so the days will be getting longer now, something I need and appreciate. 

We took KT out today.  She was happy when we picked her up, laughing, signing, making lists and requesting songs.  She makes the big guy sing O Canada, my singing doesn't cut it anymore.  He does have a lovely deep voice.  We went bowling but she didn't enjoy it much.  Her nose was running and she started to look so tired.  We bought her some lunch and she wanted to see Santa but when I took her over to where Santa was, she started crying and shaking her head.

As we waited for the big guy to bring the car up to the mall door, Katie laid her head against me and just cried.  I had no idea what's wrong.  I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry.  We got her in the car and her nose was running with green snot.  She kept signing all the way home that she wanted to go for a bus ride.  I told her it was too cold today.  She wasn't happy with the answer but she didn't cry either.

We dropped her off at home with her staff.  I felt so bad leaving her.  Her staff take wonderful care of her but part of me wanted to sit with her on the couch and feed her ice cream, give her a hot bath and put her to bed.  But I know that if I stayed I would be pinched and abused.  The hot bath would turn into a wrestling match with me soaking wet and her crying as she got out of the tub. 

She's not my baby anymore.  Our old ways, old habits, they no longer work, are no longer possible.  I miss them and I don't.  When KT lived at home I was beyond tired, ALL THE TIME.  She abuses me, though that wasn't always the case.  The abuse of me has gotten worse over time.  I know where it comes from, from her anxiety, but it still hurts, still leaves marks, still leaves me shaking.

But I am the kind of person who wants things how I want them to be, not how they are.  A trait I share with my mother, god rest her.  She taught me well. 

Note to self, accept things as they are.   Yeah, I've never been any good at that.  Fortunately the universe gives me many, many, many chances to learn this lesson. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

I was at work yesterday afternoon, standing in the hallway, trying to start an IV on a patient, when I looked up and saw an old friend.  I smiled and hugged him and asked him what he was doing in my hospital.  His wife, my friend, has cancer he told me and I promptly burst into tears.  I asked him how bad it was and he said stage four.

I work with cancer patients all day long.  I love my job.  My patients remind me everyday how precious life is, how random life is and for the most part I'm okay with that.  Occasionally I cry with a patient, but it doesn't tear me up inside.  I understand that we all die.  I'm a nurse.  I've taken care of many, many dying patients.  It think it's an honour to be with someone when their soul slips away from their body.

But all that seems to disappear when it's someone I know and care about.  My friend and I spent many hours together, talking, shopping, laughing, crying.  I missed her when I got divorced.  We drifted apart.  Why did I let that happen?

I sat and talked with my friend a bit yesterday.  We cried, just a little, got caught up.  I showed her photos of my kids, we talked about her kids.

I don't know what will happen to her but I hope for the best.  Mostly I want to make sure I keep in touch with my friends, those people who cared for me and supported me during some very difficult times.

Note to self.  Tell my friends how much they mean to me, keep in touch. 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

A walk in the woods.

Things I'm grateful for today.

I finally believe that I am worthy.  Why now, I don't know.  I believe we all possess a spark of the divine within us.  The fact that we are born, that we live, means that we are all worthy, worthwhile, that we matter, even if others have convinced us otherwise, we still matter.  Every one of us.  Me too.

Even if I make mistakes (it's how I learn, how we all learn), I am worthy.

Even if I hurt others, sadly I do this, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose, often because I'm hurt and want to lash out at others or because I am selfish and want what I want, when I want, or because I'm tired or hungry or in pain.  But I hurt others, I know this.  I am still worthy, although this one gives me a hard time.

Even if I disappoint others, don't do as they want, have different ideas, beliefs, wants, needs, I am still worthy.  What I need still matters, it may not be what you want or need but it is what I want or need now.  I am worthy.

What I see, what I hold dear, what I love, what I believe, these things are all worthy simply because they are mine.