I wrote a very angry post and posted it and then deleted it.  It's how I felt in the moment but not how I feel now.  I was mad at trump AKA the Stunt Queen and the Americans who voted for him, and who continue to support him.  And then I realized my angry rant was no different than any other angry rant and decided to retract it.

I'm feeling down which is probably part of the problem.  I visited a friend this afternoon and she said, "It's January."  And it's true, January always kind of sucks.  It's the anniversary of her husband's death on Friday. For her, January sucks in a special way.  It was lovely to see her.  I had found a plate at Value Village, a souvenir plate from Skaro Shrine, a place which is very important to her family, and where her grandmother is buried.  She loved it and that lifted my spirits a little.  She's going to make a little altar with it.

Otherwise, not much.  Jack had his hearing tested, all fine.  I took the dogs to the dog park this morning.  It wasn't cold and there was fresh snow overnight.  Katie had a psychiatrist appointment this morning, she's doing very well on the new meds and her CBD.  

And me.  I felt a little better after writing that last post and then I did some rage cleaning and the anger dissipated.  Now I just feel tired and sad.  Still better than angry.

The weekend in photos.  Charlie and Heidi snuggled up on the couch.

Jack and I had a good walk with Heidi at the dog park on Saturday.  The sun was shining and it was lovely outside.

 

Charlie had his long walk yesterday, in the neighborhood.  This storm pond is one of my favorite places to walk to with him.  There are lots of trees and birds.

The bloody cat got into the drawer when it was pulled out last night and didn't want to get out.  Not much else going on.  Jack had his swimming lesson on Saturday morning and I'll take the dogs to the dog park shortly, before my pottery class.  I'm loving my pottery class.  It's nice to learn and be creative.  I have work to do on Jack's next quilt, but I'm waiting for a cold day.  I just looked at the seven day forecast and it looks like next weekend will be those cold days.  Yay.

I took this photo yesterday morning on my way to pick up Katie.  I could see the sundogs as I was driving and thought the dog park would be the best place to capture them, but like so many things, they didn't last long.  You can faintly see the rainbows on either side of the sun, those are called sundogs and are a result of the the refraction of light through ice crystals.

I want to thank everyone for the kind words on my last post.  It's good to know I'm not the only one.  I know things could be better between my husband and me, but...  Do I have to do all the work?  Am I willing to do all the work?  He's happy with the status quo but I am not.  

The silent treatment.  When I bring things up that my husband doesn't want to talk about, I usually get an angry response, followed by reasons/excuses for the behavior, and then the silent treatment.  It's a form of punishment and it does a good job of silencing me, or at least it did in the past.  I've felt unloved, unsupported, unheard, angry, and frustrated.  I care less and less as time goes by, which I know is not a good thing at all, but dealing with the silent treatment is exhausting.

I know that my husband has been badly hurt in the past and is all about protecting himself, but by doing so, he pushes everyone away from him, even me.  He's not so different from my dad, keeping everyone away, sitting in his fortress of solitude.  Except I know he's lonely and scared and feels unloved.

The thing I learned about love, is that I have to learn to love and accept myself.  It's taken me many, many years to accept myself, and in fact my husband helped me to do that.  But it was hard.  I realized how scared I was, and realized that fear was the basis of my anger.  I was terrified of rejection, of being alone.  Fear ruled my life and I didn't know that.  It's gotten better, much better.  I still get angry at stupid things but nothing like before.  Most of the time I can let things go, be better, take a deep breath, and move on.  

Raising Jack has also forced me to confront my anger and my behavior as well.  I don't do well when I'm tired or hungry (like most of the people in the world), or overstimulated.  I try not to get overtired or overhungry now and that helps. I recognize things that overstimulate me and try to take that into account as well. I also can see it in Jack and try to stand back and not take his anger personally.  But I also apologize when I do get angry with him and explain to him why I got angry (I was tired, or hungry, or overstimulated, or overwhelmed).  Evenutally he will learn that these things set him off too, but right now he's only five and still learning.

I brought up taking Jack to Mexico for a short little holiday, some sunshine and a beach, and got shut down.  My husband said, when he's older.  Everything is pushed to the future, because then he doesn't have to deal with it now, and he also hopes (I'm guessing) that it will just go away.  I'm not willing to wait for Jack to grow up.  I'll be seventy-five when he's all grown up and I plan on traveling before then, with Jack.  I would like it if my husband came with me but if he doesn't, that's ok too.  I want part of Jack's education to be, seeing the world and all the different ways people live in this world.  I'm still young enough and healthy enough to do that now and I don't want to wait because I don't know what will happen in the next year, or the next five years.  Will I get cancer?  Or have a heart attack?  Or a stroke?  All of these are possibilites.  I've lost four good friends to cancer, none of them made it to the age I am now.  I have worked hard all of my life, put things on hold because of Katie and circumstances, and now I'm raising my grandson and I don't want to keep putting things off until tomorrow.  This is tomorrow.

                 

                

Looking east.

I've always had a hard time talking to people, about what I really feel.  I find it hard to organize my thoughts, I'm easily distracted, I wander off on tangents, and if I'm interrupted, I completely forget what I'm talking about.  It's hard.  Add to that the fear, the fear of offending someone, the fear of rejection, the fear of conflict, it's all just hard and usually something I avoid.  

When I was kid I was always told, don't feel like that.  That's what I remember most about growing up, don't feel like that, because what I felt was wrong apparently.  I didn't fit into my family, I felt too much, said too much, I was too much generally.  So many don'ts.

And now I'm sixty-two and I feel less and less that I am too much.  I have ADHD.  I do feel things strongly, I am sensitive, I have a hard time with criticism, I am terrified of rejection, and I have very strong feelings about right and wrong and underdogs.  Being a nurse thickened my skin, taught me to not take everything personally, turned me into an excellent advocate for my patients, and taught me social skills (like listening) that I so desperately needed to learn.

I have ADHD and knowing that helps but I still have an awful time expressing myself verballing.  It takes time for me to organize my thoughts.  I get distracted and overwhelmed during difficult conversations.  I cry, a lot, so I avoid difficult conversations, conversations that need to be had.  I helps to know this about myself, to know that I need to write things out, to get them out of my head, to organize them.

Looking northwest.

My husband is a good man, but he is also an angry man.  He too has a hard time talking about things and I'm sure he's been told many things over the course of his lifetime that have shaped how he feels about himself and his place in the world.  But, we need to figure out how to talk to each other, we need to feel safe with each other.  I can't speak to him that way he speaks to me, he dominates conversations, there is a power imbalance and I end up frustrated; often I just shut down and walk away.  When he believes he is right, he can't hear another side, can't put himself in the shoes of another, can't be wrong.  But things often look so differently if you just turn around and look at things from a different direction.

He'll be upset by this post, airing our dirty laundry, but I need to get this off my chest.  Life is hard and I want it to get better.  

I started my pottery class yesterday and it was like starting a new job, I don't know anything, while the three other ladies in the class have experience.  Oh well, on the upside, I don't mind looking stupid anymore and I'm quite willing to ask questions.  I do remember being young though, terrified of looking stupid, hating to ask where everything was.  Age does bring some benefits:)  I did make a plate/bowl and I'm interested to see how it turns out when I'm all finished with it.

Christmas has finally been put away which is lovely.  It's not that I hate having the decorations up, it's the unspoken thought that if the decorations are still up, I still have work ahead of me.  It didn't even take long, maybe an hour, and only one ornament was broken (by me).  

The wildfires continue to burn in LA.  I have a friend there, Elizabeth, who also has a disabled daughter and I worry about them.  I worry about all the people displaced, those who have lost everything, those who have lost loved ones, and those who have lost their livehoods.  What I will never understand is those people who stay in place, not because they can't get out, but because they believe they will be fine.  And those people who can't get out, why is nobody helping them?  Humans continue to baffle me.

Very little is going on here.  The weather has been mild all week and a lot of our snow has melted, leaving behind lots of ice.  I've been out at the dog park a couple of times with just Heidi and have been walking Charlie in our neighborhood.  Yesterday I walked Heidi in the neighborhood too.  We have a small patch of trees and shrubs not far from our house, with a walking pathway.  When Heidi and I got close to it, her fur went up.  I told her not to be silly, it was just the snowplows making strange noises.  We walked a little further into the woods and still her fur was up.  A little further and she started growling.  I looked up and saw a coyote.  We turned around and I ran out of the treed area.  

Heidi is an easy going, gentle dog who never growls, except when there is a predator around.  The first time she did this was up in Jasper.  We had been hiking on a trail and seen a lot of bear scat.  We decided to turn around and then have lunch at one of the picnic tables near the parking lot.  I got our lunch out and Heidi's fur went up, she started growling, and wouldn't take her eyes off the forest. We packed up our lunch and found a different spot to eat, down the road.  We later found out from our friend that there was a grizzly sow there with her cubs.  Another time it was a bear again, but near Ucluelet, BC.  She's a good girl and I told her so.

Otherwise I've been home cleaning, organizing, and doing laundry.  It's a reckless life I realize.

Jack is fine, except he talks enough to make my ears bleed.  He's been awfully silly and annoying at bedtime lately, more so than usual.  I read somewhere about something called revenge bedtime procrastination.  It's common in people with ADHD.  We put off going to bed because we finally have time to do something we want to do, it gives us back a little bit of control in our day.  So last night, I didn't get irritated with Jack but realized he just wanted a little bit more time to do what he wants to do, gave him a bit more control, and it helped.  

I know people often hate on social media but the one good thing I find about it, is the feeling that I'm not alone.  So often I read something that someone has written, and realize, it's not just me!  It's a good feeling to have for someone who has felt like an outsider her entire life.