I've never grown pumpkins and couldn't get over the size of the flowers. And they're yellow, my favorite.
My son is out of jail. He was kind enough to text me at 5:53am on Sunday morning. He wants to see Jack and would like us to facilitate that. I am always shocked, even still, at his ability to just ignore reality. I told him what the judge told him a year ago, he has to go through an agency that arranges supervised visits. He's burned all his bridges with us and we will not supervise his visits with Jack. I do not want to get drawn back into his crazy world of lies and manipulations. He also has a court date for September, because of all the times he's ignored no contact orders (at least seven times that the police have charged him with). Pesky details for him.
Gracie is going off the deep end too. She not sleeping and then sleeping all day. Not taking Jack to daycare. I'm not sure what she's been feeding him, mostly milk I think, but he was so constipated when he got here last Thursday that he was complaining of abdominal pain. Sunday, the damn burst and he pooped six times. When we drove home with him last week he explained to us that mama's apartment dangerous. He must have heard Gracie say that, which makes me wonder if she's hallucinating again.
I'm kind of done with mental illness right now. I know I have a mental illness, depression, but I'm done with mental illness too. I get help. I take my pills. I try to practice my breathing, try to stop my repetitive thoughts with mixed results, but I deal with it. When I start thinking dark thoughts, I realize, it's my depression, hijacking my thinking. I try to avoid toxic people. I try to get enough sleep and until I hurt my foot, I would walk in the woods which always helps me deal with my depression.
But my son and Gracie think everyone else is the problem. It makes me feel crazy and I start to second guess myself.
The only good thing that has come out of this is Gracie's family is concerned as well. Who knows what that will do, but they're concerned. Gracie's mom, Lori, is taking Gracie and Jack to the lake next weekend to observe and assess Gracie. Gracie will be fine at the lake because she doesn't have to do anything. She doesn't have to function as an adult and has other people to take care of Jack. I keep sending Lori info on borderlline personality disorder but she is still in denial. Gracie's family thought that the drugs and alcohol were the problem, but they were just a symptom of the problem. Gracie was self medicating which is not uncommon with borderline personality disorder, in fact, it's very common. Gracie still has a mental illness which needs to be acknowledged by her family.
I know how long it took for me to accept that my son was mentally ill, years and years. But Jack doesn't have years and years. He needs a safe, stable environment now to grow up in.
And so it goes. This morning at work was a gong show and I was actually happy to go into the film library and make phone calls. It was peaceful in there:)