Tuesday, July 26, 2022

I've never grown pumpkins and couldn't get over the size of the flowers.  And they're yellow, my favorite.

My son is out of jail.  He was kind enough to text me at 5:53am on Sunday morning.  He wants to see Jack and would like us to facilitate that.  I am always shocked, even still, at his ability to just ignore reality.  I told him what the judge told him a year ago, he has to go through an agency that arranges supervised visits.  He's burned all his bridges with us and we will not supervise his visits with Jack.  I do not want to get drawn back into his crazy world of lies and manipulations.  He also has a court date for September, because of all the times he's ignored no contact orders (at least seven times that the police have charged him with).  Pesky details for him.

Gracie is going off the deep end too.  She not sleeping and then sleeping all day.  Not taking Jack to daycare.  I'm not sure what she's been feeding him, mostly milk I think, but he was so constipated when he got here last Thursday that he was complaining of abdominal pain.  Sunday, the damn burst and he pooped six times.  When we drove home with him last week he explained to us that mama's apartment dangerous.  He must have heard Gracie say that, which makes me wonder if she's hallucinating again.

I'm kind of done with mental illness right now.  I know I have a mental illness, depression, but I'm done with mental illness too.  I get help.  I take my pills.  I try to practice my breathing, try to stop my repetitive thoughts with mixed results, but I deal with it.  When I start thinking dark thoughts, I realize, it's my depression, hijacking my thinking.  I try to avoid toxic people.  I try to get enough sleep and until I hurt my foot, I would walk in the woods which always helps me deal with my depression.

But my son and Gracie think everyone else is the problem.  It makes me feel crazy and I start to second guess myself.  

The only good thing that has come out of this is Gracie's family is concerned as well.  Who knows what that will do, but they're concerned.  Gracie's mom, Lori, is taking Gracie and Jack to the lake next weekend to observe and assess Gracie.  Gracie will be fine at the lake because she doesn't have to do anything.  She doesn't have to function as an adult and has other people to take care of Jack.  I keep sending Lori info on borderlline personality disorder but she is still in denial.  Gracie's family thought that the drugs and alcohol were the problem, but they were just a symptom of the problem.  Gracie was self medicating which is not uncommon with borderline personality disorder, in fact, it's very common.  Gracie still has a mental illness which needs to be acknowledged by her family.  

I know how long it took for me to accept that my son was mentally ill, years and years.  But Jack doesn't have years and years.  He needs a safe, stable environment now to grow up in.  

And so it goes.  This morning at work was a gong show and I was actually happy to go into the film library and make phone calls.  It was peaceful in there:)

I have tomorrow off.  I'm going to make a Korean dish for supper and then tomorrow I can work in the garden for as long as I want.  It will be a good day.

Friday, July 22, 2022

My other little grandson, Charlie, turned one this week.  His mother was kind enough to invite us to his birthday party.  The party was a bust, his mom was tired and stressed but the little guy had a good time and that's all that matters.  His one eye looks red because his big sister tried to put his face in the cake but only managed to get icing in his eye.  We got to meet her family which was interesting.  They've all had difficult lives.  

My garden is coming along nicely, enjoying the heat after a wet, cool spring.

The veg, especially the tomatoes, are growing great guns, as my mum would have said.  Next to the bird feeder in the photo, is a bird house which has been filled with a family of sparrows.

I saved some pumpkin seeds from Jack's Halloween pumpkin last year and they've grown well too.  I had no idea how big their blossoms were.

I planted some sunflower seeds on the deck planter and they've grown well too.  I can't wait to see them bloom.  I love yellow flowers.

Life continues on.  Gracie was a huge bitch to me this week when I asked how Jack was.  I think she has borderline personality disorder.  I try really hard to not take things personally when she attacks me but it's hard and this week was really difficult.  Then she wouldn't answer any of my texts or phone calls when I told her we were picking Jack up so I had to contact her mother, who had to contact her sister, to contact Gracie.  So you can see how it goes; lets pull everyone into my dysfunctional life and make their lives hell as well.

Jack is with us and had fun at his brother's birthday party last night.  Tomorrow we're off to the zoo where we'll meet up with my daughter in law (still feels strange writing that) and Charlie. On Sunday Jack is going to another birthday party.  Our neighbor's little girl is turning six and Jack has been invited to her party.  Which reminds me, I have to pick up a barbie doll for her.

Today we're going to Wetaskiwin to visit my father in law who is still with us and is doing well, thankfully.  I'm going to make him a treat to take down for him, kapucijners.  Not something I would view as a treat but he loves them.

I have a hard time allowing people into my life, for many reasons, and my family seems to have exploded in number this year.  It's not a bad thing but it does cause me some stress, more balls to juggle, more people to get along with, more people to worry about.  I was always told that I was a difficult person by my family and my ex-husband and yet the people who know me now think I am a kind, wonderful person and it's confusing to me I guess.  Did I change, or was I just difficult for them?  I have different people in my life now and less stress.  Dealing with Katie's diagnosis and caring for her was the hardest thing I ever had to do, with no support from my family.  It hurt a lot and I imagine I lashed out at them in anger.  But when I look back, my family was never there for me, they never had my back.  I told my brother in law not that long ago that I was the black sheep of the family and I was. I have a lot of hurt still I guess.  So unusual, I know, pain and disfunction in a family, how novel:)  

Sunday, July 17, 2022

A photo of Medicine Lake that I took last month when we had a few days in Jasper.  The lake is endlessly fasinating, emptying and refilling over the course of the year, never the same twice.

I've been reading a lot, as per usual.  One of the books was a reread, "When God Was A Rabbit" by Sarah Winman.  An excellent book which is about our own history, how we tell it, who remembers it and what happens when it's lost.  It's mostly a book about a brother and a sister though.  I enjoyed it just as much this second time around and it made me think about our own stories.

The other book that I just finished reading was "The Messy Lifes Of Book People" by Phaedra Patrick.  Her books are lighter fare but this particular book is about writing.  It made me think about writing, about me writing, something I've toyed with for many years, thirty plus years and I guess blogging is a way for me to write too.

I have stories I want to tell and I started writing one and then realized, it's not my story anymore, I'm not tied to my past, it's the characters story.  It was a liberating and slightly terrifying realization.  We shall see how far this goes.  I have a track record of starting out strong and then getting bored and writing is hard work that takes a long time.

Jack's with us this weeknd.  We both missed him terribly last weekend which he spent with his other grandma at the lake.  It was nice to have the break but it's so wonderful to have my back too.  He and I are sleeping in the basement because the house is so hot and he's still sleeping at 8:47.  We went to the spray park the last two days which he's enjoyed and last night he took his supper outside on the deck while our supper cooked.  It was a late supper and everyone was way too hungry.

We took him to see the new Minions movie yesterday but it was not a success.  He only lasted half an hour and then we left.  We thought the Minions would hold his interest but he's still too young obviously. He did like the arcade there though.

I've been back on the floor for six half days and my foot is more painful.  Fuck.  I'm so tired of this and I feel so bad for my manager who struggles to ensure we enough staff.  It will heal but it's taking so long and I'm tired of limping everywhere.

It's been bloody hot and humid here.  The plants are happy, especially my tomatoes.  The wild lupins and the echinacea that I grew from seeds are both doing well.  I also bought an indian paintbrush and planted that, so I have a small wild flower garden going on which I'll probably need to expand next year.  The last couple of years I have planted blanket flowers (so named because it used to blanket the prairies) there and they have self seeded themselves which makes me happy.

We're off to visit Miss Katie shortly.  Have a good day.  

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

I'm back at work half days on the floor and half days making phone calls.  My foot hurts but it's not terrible.  The podiatrist said it can take six to twelve months to heal.  I even went into the interventional suite for the first time in three months yesterday morning.  Of course, everything that could go wrong did, a wire with no luer lock on the casing, tiny veins, four pokes, bleeding post PICC insertion and a securacath that wouldn't lock to keep the line in place.  But we made it through and the patient and I talked about books the whole time.

A coworker of mine also works in one of the emerg departments in the city.  She was working triage last week and a guy came in by ambulance because he couldn't fart.  He had a bowel movement in the morning but felt like he had a stuck fart; but instead of driving to emerg, or taking a cab, he called 911 for an ambulance.  A fart.  It boggles the mind.  Another patient had a stuck butt plug which had to be removed and the patient left the butt plug behind, why?  

The older I get, the less I understand people.  

I haven't talked to my mother in law yet because I don't have a poker face and can't hide my feelings.  I've learned a lot about her this past month and none of it has been good.  My father in law is still alive, despite several brushes with death.  His mind is going but if we talk about the far past, he's pretty good, or at least nobody can confirm or deny his stories:)  He's a sweet, old man whom I shall miss when he's gone.

He has a mouth full of chocolate in this photo.  

Jack spent the weekend with his other side of the family at the lake so we had a free weekend.  We worked on the yard all weekend which was nice.  Got a lot of things done that had been neglected over the past year.  My tomato plants are doing very well.

Life continues on.  I feel restless.  Our holiday was not a holiday and both my husband and I feel put upon by everybody else.  We are both duty bound and put duty before pleasure, when in fact there needs to be a balance.  

Wednesday, July 6, 2022

The weather here remains cool and damp.  Last summer I enlarged my front flower bed and planted a peony.  This flower was the only bloom on the plant this year and when I got home yesterday it was handing quite low due to the rain, so I cut it and like Ms. Moon, stuck it a jar of water and admired it in the house.

My brother in law has gone home.  His last day here was Sunday and I phoned my mother in law to let her know that J would be visiting his father from 10-2pm.  He doesn't want to see his mom and his sister said she didn't want to see him.  It was his last visit with his father, probably the last time he will see his father, a father he hasn't seen in almost thirty years.  

My sister in law showed up there about forty-five minutes after he got there.  I've learned a lot about her this past visit.  She supplied her thirteen year old brother with alcohol, a lot of alcohol, enough alcohol to make him puke.  She did this for him until he was old enough to buy his own alcohol.  WTF!

My brother in law texted me when his sister showed up at the hospital and he drove back to Edmonton in a rage.  All he wanted was to visit with his father and that was not allowed.  His visits were interupted by his mother and another sister as well.  

My brother in law is a lovely man who reminds me of a lost boy.  He swears a lot and gets mad a lot and his emotions leak from him, especially the hurt and the pain.  Him and his brother, the big guy, are a lot alike, two lost boys who have been treated horribly by their family.  It's heartbreaking.  

It wasn't all bad though.  I got to meet Aunt and her husband.  Aunt is my mother in law's sister, and another person my mother in law won't speak to. Aunt played a large role in the family; she was a safe place for her sister's children and she's important to my brother in law.  

Families are fucked up and not just my own family apparently:)

Saturday, July 2, 2022

Our holidays end tomorrow.  We didn't go anywhere, other than Wetaskiwin to visit my father in law and Fort Saskatchewan for the big guy's eye surgery.

My father in law is back on antibiotics for another UTI.  Eventually his kidney function will decline to the point that he can no longer recieve the tobramycin or the bacteria will become resistant to it.  Who's to say which will happen first?

On the upside, my brother in law is here visiting and the big guy is smiling again.  They've been swapping stories about the last thirty years and ratting each other out about things they did as kids.  He can talk to his brother and that's what he needs, what they both need.  I'm thankful they have reconnected.

My foot is still sore, although nothing like it was, but still too sore to go back to work on the floor so I'm not sure what will happen at work.  It's been three months now and it make take another three to six months.  I see the podiatrist on Wednesday so she'll be able to give me some idea but I wonder if I'll make it back on the floor before I retire.  I guess time will tell.  Not sure how I feel about that, although I do plan on working casaul even after I retire.

The days just seem to slip away somehow.  It's wet and cool here and is supposed to stay cool all week.  It doesn't bother me like it would have when I was younger.  My plants are doing well, especially the newly planted maple tree, Big Red.  He's happy and growing well.  

Jack woke up at 3am this morning.  He's got a bit of diarrhea, probably from drinking the damn pool water.  We have a little inflatable pool and he drinks water out of, despite repeated warnings not to.  He likes to fill up his water guns in the pool and then drinks out of the water guns.  I'm sure it's good for his immune system but not so much for his intestinal system:)  He's sleeping now after a bitchy morning, both Nana and Jack were bitchy and tired.  

Me on Monday when I go back to work and have to make phone calls for six hours.