Friday, February 22, 2019

I was here a year ago, visiting my middle daughter.  She loves living in Vancouver, not all the time but most of the time.  I spoke to her on the phone the other night and she was happy.  Most of the time the only I hear from her she is going somewhere, driving home from work, going for groceries, or in this case, walking to her boyfriend's place after work.

She was excited because she found an apartment she can afford on her own.  She's never lived on her own.  She got a promotion at work and a raise.  She's happy with her boyfriend.  She's happy and independent which is what I always wanted for my children but I feel a little bereft which is my problem.

Katie is also doing well.  She still needs me but it is not one crisis after another.  Now we take her out for lunch and enjoy her company.  She is healthy and happy.

My son is another story but I have come to accept that I can't fix him, only he can do that.  I've also, mostly, stopped blaming myself for his addictions and behavior.  I have told him that I love him and that's all I can really do.  I will not be drawn into his lies and addictions.  I have a relationship with his baby's mama and I'm glad for that.  It breaks my heart that he is missing out on so much but again, not my fault.

I've been sick with a cold all week and I hate being sick.  I don't like sitting around all day, skin hurting, throat hurting, head pounding.  I'll be better soon but I am an impatient cow:)

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Bohemian Waxwing and thank you to Elizabeth and Carl for the correct name.  I don't know much about birds but I'm learning.  As I sit here typing there is a little chickadee eating at the feeder outside the window.  They are tough little birds that stay here all winter.

It's still cold and we're all getting tired of it.

Work has been good for the most part.  Two co-workers that were always awful to work with took temporary jobs elsewhere so it has been wonderful for the most part.  All of the nurses I work with now are young and kind and full of energy.  Sadly, the two co-workers will both be back in six weeks.  Fuck.

It's that time of year when winter seems like it will never end.  The trees are bare, the world is covered with snow and it's too cold to walk outside.  I'm waiting.  Waiting for winter to end.  Waiting for my grandson to be born.  Waiting for holidays to start.  Waiting for the shit to hit the fan at work again.  Instead of bitching about it perhaps I should take this time to just pause and gather my strength, use this time to take care of myself.

I never know what to do with myself when I have time on my hands.  I'm not good at relaxing, don't know how to be, only how to do.

It's just the time of year.

Sunday, February 10, 2019

It's been so cold that I haven't been outside except to run back and forth between the car and buildings.  But that same cold has forced me to take different kinds of photos.  There is a pair of woodpeckers that live nearby and love the insect filled suet.  I love watching them.

The cedar waxwings were back yesterday, stripping the trees of their berries.  I went upstairs to the bedroom to get a better view of them and a couple of them decided to fly into the window, not sure why.  After two bird strikes, I shut the blind and left them to their business.  I don't want to find bodies on the ground.

In the fall the juvenile waxwings come back and strip fermented berries off the trees.  One day I had twenty-five drunk teenage birds hit the windows.  Apparently drinking and flying is as dangerous as drinking and driving for teens.  Two birds died but the rest survived.

I always feel restless this time of year.  I'm done with winter and want spring to come but that won't happen for awhile.  My grandson is due in seven weeks and I try not to stress about what kind of father my son will be.  I don't where he's living or what he's doing.  He is leaving Gracie alone which is good but I worry what will happen once the baby is born.

Miss Katie is doing well.  I took her for a doctor appointment last week and the receptionist had never seen Katie out of her wheelchair, didn't know Katie could walk, didn't know how tall Katie was.  We have a referral to a new psychiatrist who has training working with people with developmental disabilities which will be good.  And we also have a referral to a geneticist.  The last genetics appointment Katie had was twenty years ago and things have changed since then.  The human genome has been mapped and I would still like answers.  I understand that nothing can be fixed but I would still like to know what happened.

Last Sunday the big guy and I took Katie out for lunch at the mall.  We drove to see the horses on Fox Drive and then went to the mall.  Katie ran/walked for awhile, we had lunch and then Katie sat in her wheelchair with her legs crossed and proceeded to high five everyone we walked by.  I'm happy the valproic acid has helped with her anxiety and moods.  She's like her old self.  I enjoy spending time with my daughter again and I am so thankful.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

It's cold here.  Very, very cold.  On the weekend the cedar waxwings arrived and descended on our yard to eat the berries off the trees.  They come in flocks and remind me that spring isn't that far away.

I've been thinking about grief a lot lately.  How we each experience grief.  How we process it.  What we do with it.  For myself I tend to carry grief with me, it trails along behind me, kind of like this dress.  I wear my grief.

I wonder how other people deal with grief.  How do you deal with your grief?

Friday, February 1, 2019

It's cold and snowing here, a good day to stay inside and hibernate but I'm not going to do that.  Today I'm off to have lunch with my girlfriend whom I haven't seen in a few months.  The roads are covered in snow and it's fucking cold but that's never kept me home before.

My friend has multiple myeloma and had a stem cell transplant.  She is now on chemo until she dies.  What will happen eventually is the chemo will stop working and then the cancer will come back full force.  The doctor gave her 8-10 years which sounds like a long time until you start to think about it.  Only eight more harvest moons.  Eight more springs.  Eight more Christmases.

Anyway, she was very pissed off to find out that other cancer patients don't have to take chemo for the rest of their lives, so I told her that patients with neuroendocrine tumors have to have treatment for the rest of their lives as well.  She was somewhat mollified by that news.  I love this woman and we have known each other for close to thirty years.  We recently decided to adopt each other as sisters because our own sisters suck.

I made cinnamon scones to ward off the cold and I think tonight for supper I'll make tomato soup with a grilled chilled sandwich.  I don't cook for the big guy on Friday nights, it's free for all Friday and we both have whatever we feel like.  My meal is usually meatless, his is not.  He always says you don't get to be this big without eating meat.  I haven't bothered to counter his argument with facts such as cows, moose and bison are all much bigger than him and are all vegetarians.  I love him just as he is.