Monday, May 16, 2022

My mother in law called this evening and my father in law is doing poorly again.  Then the police called and we were worried it was about Jack but it was about my son.  The police officer just wondered if I would make a statement regarding why and how I called 911 in March with regards to my son and his wife.  The phone calls upset both me and my husband.  

I didn't realize how much they had upset me until I started looking for something but couldn't find it; it was a hand written note I had made about some rambling voicemails my son had left me in February.  The voicemails made very little sense but I made notes and now I can't find them.  A lot of memories came flooding back while I was looking for those notes, none of them good sadly and now I can't sleep.

I'm feeling sad mostly.  Sad for my son, sad for his sons, sad for my father in law, sad for my husband.  I could feel myself starting to spin in place and decided instead to write it down.  The tears came but that's okay.  I'm feeling overwhelmed again but that too will pass.  I want to fix, to change things and can't.  I suck at acceptance and yet that's what is required.  

My father in law is dying.

My son is in jail.

My grandsons are okay.

I can't change these, no matter what I do. 

Thursday, May 12, 2022

Nothing much going on here.  Work.  Make supper.  Clean up.  Do laundry.  Clean the bathroom.  I have a good book to read.  My foot is better some days than others but overall, the direction is positive.  I have more shockwave therapy tomorrow.

We've had snow again this week, but just gentle flakes and nothing stayed.  This morning it's sunny and warm.  My tomatoes are sitting in my new greenhouse, enjoying the sunshine and stretching up towards the sun as they do their thing.  I have zinnia, lupin and pumpkin seeds growing now as well.  My frittilaria is up and blooming.  The allium are doing well and the tulips are almost ready to bloom.  We have such a short season but the plants persevere.   Maybe that's why I love them so much.


Saturday, May 7, 2022

I went back to work this past week.  I'm only working on the floor for two hours, which is 3000 steps approximately, and then I go into film library to make confirmations calls to patients for upcoming appointments.  My foot is bearing up, still a little sore, but not bad.  What amazes me though is how much less tired I am at the end of the day when I'm not on my feet all day.  It's quite shocking.  I don't feel like a bag of shit at the end of the day and still have energy to make supper and enjoy my evening.  Who knew?  I've been a nurse my whole life.  I didn't know how much less tiring desk work was.

Calling patients doesn't sound like the most interesting job, and it's not, but yesterday I talked to a new patient for half an hour.  She is younger than me and she was diagnosed with lung cancer a month ago.  I listened for a long time and gave her as much information as I could about how things work, what we need prior to treatment starting and also told her that her life is not over.  Yes, she has cancer, yes, it's awful, yes, it sucks, but her life is not over and when she comes to the Cross, she will discover a whole lot of people with cancer, living their lives.    

On Friday morning when we were just driving into the Cross, I noticed a Canada goose laying in the gutter in front of the hospital, which some feathers on the road.  I went back to check on the goose and it had been hit by a car but wasn't dead.  I did have some blood in it's mouth and seemed dazed.  I managed to convince it to get up on the sidewalk, out of the traffic.  Canada geese are military grade birds, large and dangerous.  This poor bird was so dazed that it let me touch it as I helped it get out of the way.

I started calling places to see if someone could take care of an injured goose and in the middle of that, the goose decided to start wandering across the road again to be with it's partner who was still waiting for it.  So now I was on the phone, herding an injured goose across a four lane road with cars who wanted to whizz by.  I did end up yelling at some people to, "Just fucking stop!", and they did thankfully.  The goose was feeling more itself because it hissed at the car.

The goose made it safely across the road and I don't know what happened after that.  It either survived or it died.  What really pisses me off is that whoever hit that bird, knew what happened.  You can't hit a Canada goose and not notice.  They weigh around ten pounds and this time of the year they're everywhere with their gooslings.  They also get right of way on the roads.

Gracie has been a pain in the ass this week, but I'm not going to go into it.  Jack is with us until tomorrow morning and he's happy.  He's been helping me in the garden and this morning he watered Big Red, the name I gave the maple tree that I planted in the back yard.  I've always wanted a maple tree and this year I did it.

I was also outside planting some wild lupins in pots to start them and transplanted my tomatoes into bigger pots.  Jack enjoys helping me in the garden.  Last night Jack and I went for a walk after supper and he held my hand all the way to the park.  On the way home I pretended I was a sportscaster narrating the race he was having with me.  He seemed to enjoy that and I had a lot of fun.

Wednesday was a bad day but my girlfriend and I went to a garden centre and the world was a better place.  Her and I talked and enjoyed the flowers.  We also both had hard cries.  She has cancer and her husband died suddenly in February.  I have Gracie.  Sigh.

Right now the dogs, my hubby and Jack are all napping.  It's quiet and peaceful.  I'm thankful.

Saturday, April 30, 2022

My first flower of the year; a tiny little crocus.

I had my ultrasound shockwave therapy yesterday.  It was painful but not too painful to have it.  My foot feels better already so I'm a fan.  I also made an appointment for next Friday as well.  I'm back to work on Monday, two hours of nursing work and the rest of my shift confirming patient appointments, at a desk.  The big guy has told me that I make sure I don't walk more than 3000 steps which is what the podiatrist ordered, or there will be hell to pay.    

The time off has been nice; although the sore foot made me cranky, it was nice to have time to breathe.  Taxes got done, paperwork got sorted and put away and we made a lot of trips to Wetaskiwin to visit my in-laws which was nice.  My father in law is doing better.  He's a tough old bird. 

Jack had swimming lessons this morning and then we went out for lunch and a drive in the country because that's the best way to get him to fall asleep.  We came across these deer browsing in a field.  After his nap, we'll take him to the dog park for a walk and then he has to go back to his mom's.  Sigh.  At least this time he didn't have a diaper rash although there were issues with Gracie not answering her door and I had to get hold of her mom to get Gracie to open the door for us.  

We're watching "Flack" right now on Prime and the main character is called Robin;  Robin's mom is an addict and a narcissit and reminded me so much of Gracie when we watched the episode last night.  It's a tough way to grow up and usually results in damage.  The character Robin is a trainwreck and it's painful to watch at times.  It hits a bit too close to home.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my daughter, her partner, Jack and my hubby in the mountains in five weeks time.  It's been too long since I've seen the mountains.

Monday, April 25, 2022

We took Jack to his swimming lessons on Saturday and then after he had a nap, we took him to the dog park.  Last year he wasn't big enough to climb up on this rock but this year he is.  The photo makes it look like we're in the middle of nowhere when in fact we're a short walk from the parking lot.  There is a hill behind him and what looks like trees in the far distance are actually just the tops of the trees, not that far away.  Perspective.

I read yesterday about despair which made me think about depression.  I feel much better now but when I'm depressed my perspective suffers severely.  When I am depressed, my brain tells me it is forever, that there is no hope, that every day will be this awful.  And then my brain starts dragging all kinds of awful things towards me, building a nest of sorts made up of death, hurt, pain, tears, rejection, anger, sadness and every hurtful thing I've ever said and every hurtful thing that has been said to me.  Anger is a hallmark of my depression because my brain likes to think it protects me and in a way it does because when I am depressed, I am vulnerable.  My dad was the same.  Anger is big, anger protects, anger keeps others away so they can't hurt me.  

And when my depression lifts, I have perspective again.  Nothing is forever.  Today is lovely.  People try to do their best, even when their best falls short, they have tried.  We all make mistakes and that's okay.  We all need more love.  Being vulnerable is okay.  Letting people in allows more love, both the getting of love and the giving of love.  There is good in the world and there is hope.  Good people exist and there is kindness all around us, if we only take the time to notice it.

My brain is a strange place to live but it's the only home I've ever known.

Friday, April 22, 2022

Yesterday I worked at the rental, painting and pulling up flooring.  I think the wall colour turned out nicely.  It's a soft grey which will be a shade lighter in the bathroom.  We're still waiting for the contractor to come back and pull up all the old flooring and put in the new flooring.  I had some anger issues around Jack yesterday so hard work was in order.  I felt much better afterwards.

We're taking Jack to the mountains in June for the first time, so we wanted him to have some experience eating in a restaurant.  With the pandemic, he hasn't gotten much practice.  We went to IHOP which I think he thought was not a real name, because why would you call a restaurant I Hop.  We hopped into the place and he did well.  He's always happy to be with his poppa and poppa is always happy to be with him.

I had to take Katie to the doctor's this morning, just for a check up and blood reqs, nothing bad.  She did well and was just so happy.  She still sees the same doctor who delivered her thirty years ago, which means I've been going to my doctor for over thirty years.  We also stopped at the dog park to watch the dogs and got ice cream after her visit.  Then we stopped at the grocery store to buy a helium filled balloon.  She was a happy girl.

I left Heidi out of her kennel because we keep trying to trust her out of her kennel when we're out.  Sometimes she's okay and sometimes she's not.  I never did find all the pieces of either the rabbit or the army man.  I'm guessing they'll turn up in the backyard at some point, covered in dog poop:)

Jack starts swimming lessons again tomorrow which he'll enjoy and which we'll enjoy watching.  I don't have to go in the water this time.  We'll probably go out for a long walk too because it's sunny and all the snow has melted again.  It's beautiful out and my bulbs are starting to burst out of the ground.  I can't wait for my flowers.  They make me happy.