We went on a short trip to Jasper this weekend.  Pyramid Lake and Pyramid mountain.

 

 

Also Pyramid Lake.

Medicine Lake.

 Athabasca River.

Some of the devastation from last summer's wildfire

 

My crocuses are coming up and the snow is finally gone.  We're busy cutting down the rest of the tree that's dying from black knot fungus.  It was a huge tree, and the second tree in our yard with that disease; thankfully, also the last tree in our yard with that disease.  Hubby and I worked all day in the yard, cutting and burning.

Now we have to deal with our rotting fence which involves, moving soil, putting down a retaining wall, and then putting the soil back.  Next year we're going to replace our fence and hopefully that will see us out (mum used to say that).

After school yesterday, before I picked up Jack from daycare, I got an email from his teacher that Jack had been punching other kids in their private parts and bums.  She asked that we have a conversation with him, which we did.  He said he didn't know why he was punching the other kids but told us about three boys that punch him.  I don't know if that's true or not, but we did tell him, that it's no excuse.  And strangely, he didn't punch any of the kids that he said punched him, just other kids. So that was a fun conversation to have, which involved a lot of crying on Jack's part.

After Jack had his bath, he wouldn't get out of the bathtub.  I asked him several times and he ignored me, the bath was empty and I sat with a towel to dry him off, waiting impatiently.  When he wouldn't get out, I told him he could get himself dried off and I went downstairs.

The last time I did this, he flooded the bathroom with water.  He was mad at me.  Last time, I told him to ask me for help instead of getting angry with me.  Last night he asked me for help several times and I ignored him, because I'm stubborn, because I was tired, because I wanted to do something else.  When he finally did come downstairs, he was apologizing for what he had done.  He was talking about something that was heavy and didn't smell good.  I had just bought scented epsom salts and sure enough he had some in his hair that had just been washed.  He said he was sorry again.

I went upstairs to the bathroom and found epsom salts all over the bathroom floor, so I yelled.  I told him that I was angry and I left the house with a dog, acutally I stormed out of the house with one of the dogs.  I was only gone about 5 minutes because I realized as I stomped down the path, that my father used to do this, get angry as hell and storm out of the house.  I remember how scared I was of my dad and his anger.  So I went back.

Jack was sitting with Poppa, crying.  He thought he would have to move out of our house because I was angry with him.  I told him that I always loved him, even when I get angry and that he could stay with us forever.  I was still mad but I explained why I was angry.  I felt disrespected and I was tired.

Jack's biggest fear is my biggest fear, rejection and/or abandoment, except I never went into foster care, I never ended up with strangers when I was only two years old.

We all had a good night sleep and this morning he and I talked.  I asked him if he was angry with me last night because I didn't help him out of the tub and didn't dry him off.  He said yes.  I told him that I had asked him to ask for help instead of acting out, and then I remembered that he has asked for help and I just ignored him.  I told him that and I apologized.  I told him that I love him no matter what, that he can always live with us.

And then I asked him if it was strange living with nana and poppa instead of his mom and dad.  He said it was and he said he wanted to meet his dad, although he was worried about his dad drinking.  I hate that my six year old grandson has to deal with grown up shit, while he's just a kid.  I told him that I would try and arrange for him to meet his dad and left it at that, but that's going to be a whole new can of worms.

So, nana fail.  I did tell Jack that I am human and that I make mistakes, more for me than him I think.  Did I mention how tired we all were?  Do I know that fatigue makes me do and say stupid things?  Yes, and it still happens, but I expect a six year old to rein himself in when he's tired.  I am going to forgive myself.  I am trying to be a good role model for Jack and fortunately he has a grandpa who is a good role model for staying calm, even in the eye of the storm.  I will do better next time.

  

I really don't think I have a difficult life, my daughters however do have difficult times in their lives, as do we all.  Some of us have crippling anxiety, some of us have autoimmune diseases, some of us have the diseases of age, some of us have broken families, some of us have cancer, some of us have lost their partners to disease or suicide or divorce, some of us have to deal with traumatic brain injuries, some of us are living in a war zone, some of us were abused by parents or spouses, some of us deal with discrimination, and some of us deal with addictions.  My point is, we all have difficult things in our lives and those difficult things are unique to our life.  I also think that difficult things is how we grow and learn, not just about ourselves, but about the world and life in general.

I don't write about things for sympathy, although it's nice, I write about things to get them out of my head, because if they stay inside my head, they swirl around and turn into shitty thoughts, which in turn become depressed thoughts.  It's how I deal with things.  I have good days and bad days.  I have good moments and bad moments.  Often times I can so easily forgot the good days and the good moments, and just ruminate, but that's not just me either.  It's part of being a human being.  Our brains are designed to pay attention to the dangerous times, because that's how our ancestors survived for 300,000 years.  The ones that didn't pay attention to the dangerous, scary stuff, died before they could leave behind progeny.  Nervous people survived:)

I've been going through old photos because I found a bunch of them in the basement and it was a good reminder of all the good times in my life, things I'm so thankful for.  Life is never perfect, never without difficulty and never without pain, but it can also be wonderful at times.

1985

1999

1998

1998ish

1998

1999

I've been banned from instagram (for now), no reason, no explanation.  My crime if I were to guess, disagreeing with politicians and people who accept lies as facts.  Because I'm such a people pleaser, I feel down, like I've done something wrong, not something right.  I have been silenced which does not feel good at all.

On the upside, it's Jack's birthday today and National Unicorn Day.  On the way to daycare, we stopped and bought a box of fifty Timbits for Jack's daycare.  He was pretty pumped about that and excited to share with everyone.  This morning hubby and I sang him Happy Birthday while he sat with a big smile on his face.  For his birthday present, we bought him a new bike.  Now he has to learn to ride without training wheels:)

Yesterday went well at court, and unless things change drastically, we won't have to go back.  The case was adjourned sine die which means it could be opened in the future, if things changed, but for now, things stay as they are.  We had a long talk with Gracie and her sister afterwards and that went well also, so a win for everyone which is very good.  We talked about TV, bedtimes, school, ADHD, exercise, expectations, and going forward.  You never know what the future will hold because if someone had told me about this conversation three years ago, I wouldn't have believed them.

I also had an appointment with Katie's psychiatrist.  Katie's behavior has not improved, ten incidents in the last month and I'm out of ideas.  The psychiatrist started her on clonidine and I guess we'll see if that helps.  It hurts my heart to see her hurting herself, and having meltdowns.  Maybe this will help.  I also requested an OT consult to check her sensory processing.  A long time ago, Katie had a weighted vest which helped her at school, it gave her more sensory feedback.  I just ordered her a weighted blanket and maybe that might help too.  Sometimes it feels like I've been looking for solutions for her my whole life.  I just want her to feel good and have some peace.

Which brings me to my middle daughter who is being knocked on her ass by MS fatigue, something I didn't even know about before she was diagnosed.  It's not regular tiredness.  Somebody described it as the feeling of staying up all night, having the flu, and having a hangover, all at once.  I want to help her and I can't.  I inadvertently upset her yesterday and I apologized, but I still feel bad.  Fuck MS.

The sun is shining though and it's supposed to go up to 15C today which is lovely and which means I want to be outside.  The garden is still mushy and muddy, but I'll find something to do out there.  I saw tiny crocuses pushing their way up through the dead leaves in the garden.  Plants amaze me.  They don't worry about the weather, or their children, they just do their thing.  Sometimes I wish I could be a tree.

The weather has warmed up considerably.  Jack wanted to wear shorts and a t-shirt and then put his winter boots on to go out.  The snow that we had a week ago is almost gone and it got up to 17C today.

We had Jack's birthday party today and it was a success.  I invited Gracie, and Jack and I went and picked her up.  We talked in the car.  She's been through a lot.  Her psychiatrist had her on five different meds, including an anti-psychotic, an anti-depressant, and a benzodiazepene, plus she was drinking.  Her family doctor got her off all those meds and sent her for testing.  Gracie was diagnosed with ADHD and is now on Vvyanse and feeling good.  She's sober and wants to stay that way.  Her anxiety has gone down to almost nothing.  The change in her was shocking and wonderful to see.  She's seeing a counselor and going to group therapy.  She's getting better and I'm so thankful for that.  After the party, I drove her and Jack back to her place so that he could stay with her overnight.  I feel hope.

There was cake and ten children in my house, screaming and running, literally.  It was chaos and at some point, I think every children ended up crying.  Jack had a hard time and cried a fair bit, until he finally let go and just enjoyed himself.  He wanted to be in charge and tell everyone how to play the games and nobody listened to him, a feeling I am familiar with:)

The kids were supposed to play cornhole and knee hockey, but that didn't work out.  The hit of the afternoon was painting little egg cups. 

 And trump.  Well the world does not like him right now and that's a very good thing.

I'm trying to remain calm.  Jack's birthday is coming up quickly and he's having a party for his school friends on Saturday which is keeping his brain busy with plans.  There will be cornhole, knee hockey, and a painting craft.  There will be junk food and cake, and then everyone will go home after two hours.  To be honest, his behavior is pretty good, considering how much he's looking forward to it.

He's still talking about mama and her tablet, because mama lets him spend lots of time on his tablet playing games and watching TV.  I did talk to her about it, and hopefully she cuts back on his screen time so he's equally mad at us.  I also looked up five year olds obbessions with games, and it's not uncommon, so he's normal.  He is a funny guy though.  Every morning before we leave the house for daycare or school, he paces around the kitchen island, all the while talking to me about every thing.  He has so many thoughts inside his brain and they all have to come out.  I just realized he's like me that way.  I do so much better if I can talk about things out loud, get those thoughts out of my head.  He talks more than any boy I've met:)  He'll either drive some woman crazy, or she'll love it.

The US continues to circle the drain, economically, with it's insane policies and politicians.  It's stressful to watch because Canadians worry about getting dragged along with them.  We have an election coming up 3.5 weeks, and I guess that will help to decide which way we're heading.  For me, I'm voting Liberal because I believe humans should be helping each other and working together.  I don't believe in every man/woman for themselves.  

In other news, I gave our renter at my husband's old house, notice to vacate.  We want to sell the house and really don't like being landlords.  She doesn't pay much, $900/month for a three bedroom house with utilities included.  She wasn't happy.  She's a single mom of three kids and works hard.  But on the upside, she got hold of her dad, who literally lives about a five minute drive away from her (who knew),  whom she hasn't talked to in twenty years, and he wants to help her.  They are looking at ways to get financing to buy the house.  We don't want to do anymore work on that house and it will be sold as is, for probably less than market value.  If they can buy the house, no realtors and everybody wins.  I have my fingers crossed for her and for us.

My condo will also be repaired, shortly?  Again, who knows, but the realtor said we can sell it as is, as long as the new buyer knows it will be repaired.  Fingers crossed.

Now for some funny, because there really isn't anything funny going on.

 Yesterday was not a good day.  We took Jack to visit his mother on Saturday.  We went in to Gracie's apartment, it was clean and didn't smell of weed, but Gracie was off.  Her eyes were dull and her affect was flat.  She seemed okay otherwise but something was off.  I texted Gracie's mom and sister to let them know.  Gracie's mom told me that Gracie had been diagnosed with ADHD and was on medication for it; her sister told me the same thing.  Nobody had told me that, just like nobody had told me that Gracie had lost her job, again. I asked both of them the name of the medication, Gracie's mom didn't know and Gracie's sister either didn't know or wouldn't tell me.

Of course it got worse from there.  According to Gracie's sister, Gracie was tired and hadn't put on any makeup.  Gracie is also intimidated by me.  It was really none of my business because Gracie was doing well, her words, not mine.  In the past when Gracie's sister has told us that Gracie is doing well, Gracie has ended up traumatizing Jack and ending up in detox and rehab.

I texted Gracie's sister that I was tired of fucking secrets, I admit my bad, but I don't think it was the use of fucking that offended her as much as the use of the word secrets.  Everything is a secret with that family and I am so tired of it.  

Then Gracie's sister went on because she had been fasting and this was a special day for her and why wasn't I respecting that.  Probably because I didn't know that she had converted to Islam.  Unless you tell people, how can they know?  I'm not a fucking mind reader.  

Then she went on about how much she does, driving back and forth to pick up Jack so that he can visit his mother.  She's been driving her mother's car for the past year, but of course it's a secret about what happened to her car.  Four people are sharing one vehicle, for a year.  

We go to court again next week to decide how to move forward and this past weekend convinced me that we can't move forward yet.  I need some honesty about what's going on with Gracie.  I am placing Jack in her care, I need to know he's safe.  Gracie has a history of abusing prescription and illegal drugs, as well as alcohol.  It's my job to keep him safe, even from his mom.

So there was a lot of crying yesterday.  My hubby was pissed and silent for the rest of the day.  Yesterday was my day to visit Katie and my mood transferred to her, and then that went sideways too.  All in all, a very shitty day.  Probably the worst day since last August when Gracie's mom found Gracie and her drug dealer passed out on her bed, and Jack by himself, again.

So now Jack is acting out because he's stressed and me?  I just want to run away from everything, but of course I won't.  Me dealing with Jack's other family.