No new photos right now. This photo was taken on the way home from Wetaskiwin about eighteen months ago. That's an Alberta sky for you.
Many years ago my brother had a sweatshirt with the following quote on it. Ecoutez et toute le monde vous entende. In english it means, listen, and the whole world will hear you. My brother left that sweatshirt behind when he moved to Florida for a year. I found the shirt and kept it; I loved it and wore it out.
It also made me think about listening. I have/am ADD and have a huge problem with interuppting people, because if I wait too long to say something, it disappears from my brain, so I blurt. I've gotten better as I've aged, but I know it was bad when I was young. I also know that I'm not alone. Many people do this. Jack does this and I am in the process of gently explaining to him that conversations are two way, which means he can't interrupt and that people take turns talking. It's a social skill and it can be learned.
I interrupt much less, but I also don't get my point across always, because, as predicted, I forget what I was going to say. I've noticed with Jack that he often forgets what he was going to say if he has to wait too long. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That is why I like to write, because I can go back over my thoughts and sometimes I don't even realize what I was thinking until it comes out of my fingertips and onto the keyboard. I can also get a complete thought out without being interrupted, because other people interrupt too.
I looked up I Don't Feel Heard the other day on google. I wasn't at all surprised to find that there were 860,000,000 results for that particular google search. It is a common problem, in the world, in communities, in families, in relationships.
I am a sixty-one year old woman, who is also a nurse. I often feel unheard and unappreciated. I am also a mother and caregiver of a young disabled woman (my youngest daughter), as well as my grandson. I often feel unheard and unappreciated, but as a woman, I also realize that most women feel unheard and unappreciated, 992,000,00 results for that particular google search.
But here's the thing, my husband doesn't feel heard either, and I have no way of making him feel heard. I can listen to him, I can empathize with him, but he still doesn't feel heard. Both of us grew up in homes in which healthy communication was never displayed. Our parents were of the generation that believed children should not talk back, and that children should obey their parents, even if the rules made no sense.
My father was all about the rage and the anger, or fear really. He wanted to control his children's lives in the hopes that nothing bad would happen to them. My mother preferred passive aggressive manipulation. And me, I chose a mix of their styles. One of the most difficult problems I have, is crying when I'm talking about things that I feel strongly about.
My husband grew up in a similar kind of post war family, except it was his mother who was the control freak. She knew better and people should listen to her. I'm guessing that she never felt heard in her family growing up either.
So now we have two people who don't feel heard, don't have their feelings validated and don't know how to communicate with each other, despite their best efforts. The main difference between the two of us is that I think most of the people in the world feel unheard and he doesn't seem to get that. It's not that I don't empathize with him, I just don't think he's unique.
Obviously that answer doesn't help us communicate better, and I'm sure he feels even less understood. But I also think that we have to go back to the source, to fix the problem. I know with myself that it's my responsiblity to tell people how I feel and why. I also know that I struggle with this because of my upbringing, but it's still my responsibility. I also don't expect people to agree with me. It would be lovely if they did, but unlikely. The best that I can do is to be honest with myself and others. I can't make anyone think something or feel something, I can only accept.
And as I wrote that last sentence, a light bulb went on. I can't make my husband look at his family or deal with the issues that stem from his family, I can only accept. I can set boundaries but I can't change him. Hmmm. Well, that sure didn't go the way I thought it would:)