I'm going to take a break from blogging for a bit.  I'm busy with the garden and my pottery.  Jack is seeing a counselor every two weeks and so am I, which means a counselor every week.  I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with responsibilities and obligations right now.  

Mertensia paniculata, also known as tall bluebells. Spring has finally arrived here.

We're down to the last nine days of school for Jack.  He's tired.  Tired of the routine I think.  Tired of using his brain all day long.  Tired of having to sit and pay attention.  Tired of having to reign himself in all day.  He's also not gaining any weight, despite a diet high in calories and fat.  I think this summer will be a welcome respite for him.  He is signed up for a variety of camps-sports, arts, water, and outdoor camp, which I know he'll enjoy.

We leave for holidays in two weeks.  We're heading out to Vancouver Island and will visit my sister and my husband's brother.  We'll spend time by the ocean and just take it easy.  I love the ocean, the sounds, the sights, and the smells.  It also makes me realize how small I am in the universe, much like the mountains.  Feeling small helps put problems in perspective.

Last week Jack asked me if my life was hard.  I told him that sometimes it was, but mostly I had a very good life.  I asked him if his life was hard and he said it was.  I asked him why, (wondering what horrible things he was dealing with) he replied because he didn't have an e-scooter, which made me smile.  His mom never did give him his scooter, so poppa bought him one and Jack has been busy cruising the neighborhood.  

I dropped my phone on Sunday night and it never recovered.  Sigh.  I miss texting friends and taking photos, but otherwise it's been fine.  A new phone is supposed to arrive today.  

I'm off to the pottery studio again today.  Roomba is vacuuming, the dishwasher is cleaning the dishes, and all of the laundry got done yesterday.  I even got the grass cut yesterday which was satisfying.  We had a lot of rain and it's growing fast.  All of the clover seeds that I threw on the dead patches appear to have sprouted as well.  We have a lot of dead patches on the grass, dog pee:)

Obviously I made a mistake but I can't be bothered to fix the text with the white background.  I might not have the skills either:)

I saw this on Instagram the other day and saved it.  The woman who produced it is fine with it being shared.  This is what it was like with Katie when she was growing up.  Everything was hard.  Even now going out for lunch with her requires a level of alertness that is exhausting.  Katie is fine right now but when things go sideways (ovarian cyst, broken arm) everything is much harder to deal with, for her, for me, and for her caregivers.  If a drug addict at the mall has a meltdown, it affects Katie.  If a child is screaming, it affects Katie.  If I'm tired or not feeling well, it affects Katie.  If the music or the general mood in the mall is higher, it affects Katie.  None of this is her fault, it's just the way it is.

 

 We've had a lot of rain this past week and everything is green and growing and blooming.

I'm seeing my counselor every two weeks and I look forward to talking to her, even though I cry.  Yesterday was hard though.  We talked about my children and my ex-husband.  She would ask me questions and I was shocked when I didn't know what had happened.  I had no memory of what came after.  I always thought I had such a good memory but so many times I had to say, "I don't know".

I kept journals for years, writing down what was happening and I dug them out yesterday when I got home.  I tried reading them but it was hard.  So much of my life was chaos and I was just really trying to hold on.  My counselor made some interesting observations. 

-my ex-husband was abusive, that was hard to hear.  I didn't think of my marriage like that, and I didn't think of myself as an abused woman because he never hit me.

-my children gave me their worst selves, because I was their safe space. There was also a lot of competition with bad behavior to try and get my attention because Katie took up the bulk of my attention.

-my boundaries are hard places and probably surprising after putting up with shit for years from people, but when the boundary comes crashing down, I'm completely detached.  When I've had enough, I'm done.

-much of my married life I parented as a single parent.  My husband was a pilot and worked out of town.  Towards the end of our marriage he flew to Asia and even on his days off he was not present because of the jet lag.  He was also a binge drinker and he drank heavily on his days off, so not present.

-I had very little support and few friends.  I didn't talk to my family about everything that was happening because I felt judged.  You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. I was embarrassed.  I was overwhelmed and worn out.  I tried to pretend that I was okay and that my life was okay.

So that was counseling yesterday.  Hard.

This morning I'm off to the pottery studio with two of my girlfriends to play with the clay.  The clay is more forgiving than people and if I screw up, I just break what I made, rehydrate it, and try again.

The dogs need walks, the housework can wait until tomorrow, and there are leftovers for supper.  

The hot sunny days are gone, replaced by cold rainy days.  It's been raining since Saturday night, not a light rain either.  Heavy rain, flooding in places in the province.

I went to pottery this morning.  I tried new things with the glaze and we'll see how they turn out.  It's the only way to get better, practice, fail, practice more, fail some more.  It's a slow progression and the clay lives by it's own set of rules.  You can't rush clay, it will crack.  Clay has a memory and will try to return to the shape it once was.  Clay requires patience and practice, like most things in life.  Clay doesn't judge you and clay teaches you the beauty of imperfection. 

We're having some troubles with Jack which I can't write about, but which worry me and bring up old resentments of why are we doing this without help from the other guardians.  I always worry that things with Jack are related to his early neglect, and I don't know if things are a part of normal child rearing, or his trauma.  And sometimes I'm just tired of dealing with the shit that other people just walked away from.

Things I'm thankful for today.....

- Cinnamon Bun Cake

- Pottery

- Iced tea with lemon and ginger

- I cleaned the bathrooms yesterday and they're not dirty, yet.

- Pottery friends

- The three pieces of cinnamon bun cake that I ate instead of my lunch, although I have a stomachache now.

- Flowers starting to bloom

- I'm not American and don't have to deal with the embarrassment of having a cockwomble as my country's leader (sorry to my American friends).

- Knowing tomorrow will probably be better

My first mug, back from the new studio I'm going to.  I love that colour so much.  I'm still making mostly mugs, still hoping to improve on them.  Hubby has been 3D printing me rollers to use on the clay, this design is one of those rollers.

 All of the crabapple trees are in bloom.  We don't get cherry blossoms here but we do get gorgeous crabapples blossoms and the scent is worth the mess in the fall when all the crabapples drop on the driveway.

Jack's been having a hard time with hay fever and his eyes.  We ended up going to see a doctor yesterday, I was worried he might have scratched his cornea because he said the pain was so awful.  The doc decided it was probably either pink eye (I don't think so, no discharge), or allergies.  She ordered drops and they are helping already.

I met a new GP yesterday and she has agreed to take me on as a patient.  She's also only ten minutes away, as opposed to the last one who was a 30 minute drive, longer in the winter.  She also looks young enough to still be working when I'm an even older lady:)

Really not much going on.  Walk dogs.  Do a little pottery.  Put laundry away.  Pick Jack up from school.  Katie is doing well, which I appreciate and my son starts back to school in October for carpentry.  I'm very proud of him.  He's trying to rebuild his life and it's not an easy thing to do.

I've been taking Heidi to the dog park once in awhile.  Charlie is still an asshole, so he doesn't get to come.  I tried to take him for a walk yesterday afternoon and he was too busy barking at the dog on the corner, through the fence.  I was mad and told him, "That's it, we're not going for a walk."  It might have been quite hot too.  I took him earlier this morning and it worked out better.  I wasn't so hot and bitchy.

I was sad for a couple of days, things happened, I got sad.  But this time I just let it be and acknowledged that I was sad and that was ok.  Sad is a part of grief.  And today, I feel much better.  I didn't go down the rabbit hole of depression, but just Named it to Tame it.  I even told myself that it was ok to feel sad, instead of pretending I wasn't sad, or beating myself up for feeling sad.  This shit works:)

Who knew that emotions could come and go, like waves on a beach?  Well, a lot of people actually, but not me.  

My friend with multiply myeloma saw her oncologist and got an update.  He said she's doing well enough to come off the drug she's been on for the last eight years, an immunomodulator.  He told her she can give her body a rest for a couple of months and he's given her a few more years, based on how she's doing.  Happy news, but of course I cried when she told me in the middle of the greenhouse.  He also has no idea what's causing her dizziness, but the GI problems are likely linked to the drug.  She feels better already.

Katie meets with the person who will assess her to see if she's competent (Katie, not the woman), tomorrow morning.  This is for the trusteeship.  I'm going too.  Should be interesting.  My ex husband is sulking because he wasn't consulted on something that he forgot to fill in on the trusteeship forms.  Oh well.

My husband is making me two new planters which should last for the next twenty years.  They are solid and I can't wait to plant some flowers in them.  It's hot as hell here but is supposed to cool down on the weekend.

Life goes on.