I still haven't been able to figure out how to work my new post processing program and I really do not have the energy to deal with it right now. It irritates me and I feel frustrated because I like playing with my photos. To add to my irritation, my computer sounds like a jet engine revving up when the program is running. I hate noise, especially machine noises. I've tried to force a stop because the noise is awful and it won't cooperate.
I'm feeling grumpy, obviously. Jack and I visited his grandma, aunt and uncles yesterday. It was nice to see her and we both cried a little. It still seems unreal. She doesn't know what she's going to do but will take six months off work to decide which I think is a good idea. I've been off all week and everything is a struggle; I can't imagine what she's going through. I didn't ask any questions, just listened.
I know it will get better. At least the sun is shining. I've been trying to go for walks. The weather has gotten colder which is my excuse for not wanting to walk but I walk in much colder weather in the winter, so it's not even a good excuse. Mostly I just want the last two weeks to be erased and for all of us to get a do over, but that doesn't actually happen in real life, only in the movies.
I have to go back to work next week which I'm not looking forward to at all. Grief plus the grief of my patients is a lot to carry. I know I'll be tired. Meals will be a pain. I'll worry about bedtime and getting enough sleep for the next day, even though none of that helps to get enough sleep. Laundry. Groceries. Jack.
Jack was saying mama in the car yesterday. I asked him if he wanted to see his mama and he said, No. Last night he had a video chat with his mama, the first time he's seen her in almost two weeks. He was nervous and held his hand up to his mouth. Gracie seems to think he'll forget but Jack's a smart little guy and he has not forgotten. Why would he trust her? She hurt him. She was drunk and she ignored him, neglected him and hit him across the face hard enough to leave a bruise.
I'm angry and sad and worn out. Somebody hurt my grandbaby. I couldn't protect him and that's what hurts the most I think. We couldn't protect him. I feel like we failed which is how it seems to work. We took care of Jack and we feel like we have failed and his mother who didn't take care of him and who did fail him, she seems to get a free pass. To be fair, I have no idea what she thinks but I want her to get down on her knees and apologize to her son. I want her to spend the rest of her life making it up to him, and not with toys and candy, but with attention and love and honesty.
I don't think she can do that but who knows? Maybe god knows because I sure as fuck don't.