It's been another difficult week, man I'm tired of those kind of weeks.  Katie continues to struggle but her behavior has gotten much worse since starting on her new medication, much worse.  She is not sleeping or eating, and she keeps stripping off her clothes and urinating on the floor.  She seems almost manic, very restless and agitated, all side effects of the drug.  I did mention this to the doctor, and at first he seemed to dismiss it, but then he did change her to another drug.  We'll see how that goes.

On Tuesday I had a very sick patient, who looked like she was dying.  She is dying, but she looked like she was going to go while she was with us.  Her blood pressure was dangerously low, 44/32, at one point but the cardiologist who is caring for her right now, refused to let us give her fluids because of her congestive heart failure.  We were worried all day that she was going to code on us because of her blood pressure.  It was a huge shit show with ambulances to get her back to the UAH, but she was finally returned to the cardiology unit that she was on and proceeded to code.  She survived thankfully, for now.

I'm tired of doctors who refuse to listen to nurses, and I'm tired of men who refuse to listen to women.  I've been a nurse for thirty-eight years and I've seen a lot of sick people and I've cared for a lot of people who are dying.  I trust my gut.  Sometimes I can't tell you what is wrong with a patient, but I can tell you that there is something wrong with a patient.  

I had a young woman with ovarian cancer a few years ago and something wasn't right.  I ended up talking to her surgeon/onocologist by phone, while the doc was in surgery.  She believed me and asked me to send the patient to emerg at the Alex.  I did and the patient had emergency surgery that evening.  

Right now my husband has been unwell for six months and refuses to see a doctor.  I'm scared he's really sick and I've told him that, but he still refuses to see a doctor.  I'm so tired of having my knowledge and experience treated like it's nothing.

Jack had a good sleep last night and he still managed to have four meltdowns before I dropped him off at daycare.

#1  Last night, he and poppa made a bead bracelet with all of our names on it.  I put some glue on the knot last night, to make it strong and to ensure the knot didn't come undone.  He put it on this morning and within thirty minutes it broke, because he kept twisting it.

#2  He wanted to remake the bracelet this morning and asked for my help.  He was mad because the glue rendered some of the "gold beads" unuseable this morning and he had to change his design.  The glue was my fault he said.  Not happy.

#3  He dropped an "A" on the floor, the last "A" in the bottle of beads and he couldn't find it, so he couldn't spell out papa.  I said we could change it to poppa, not happy.

#4  I told him I could remake the bracelet later, because it was time for OSC (out of school care).  He wanted to know what later meant.  Did that mean I would be home all day?  Which, if that was the case, he figured he could stay home all day.  That was not going to happen after three meltdowns.  Then he was crying because he said, "I'm only a kid, and you yelled at me."  I told him that I understand that he is a kid but I did not yell at him, and I was very frustrated with him.  More tears.

A lot of tears this morning.  I know he has ADHD, but so do I, and I can only take so much in the way of overstimulation I realize.  It's been really cold this week so he hasn't been outside for exercise and I should have put him on the elliptical before supper last night.  But I didn't think of it.  I was tired.  So I felt like a failure as I drove home after dropping him off.  It's too cold to walk the dogs.  I had a cry, but  I'll get on the elliptical later to burn off some of my excess energy and stress.

Part of Jack burning off his energy involves pacing around the kitchen while making lots of noise.  Last night he was doing this while naked because again there was an issue about his shower/bath at bedtime.  The pacing and the noise was too much for my poor brain. He pushes me to the limit and then I walk away to stop me from yelling.  There is something about ADHD called rejection sensitive dysphoria (which I realize now, I've had all my life and it explains A LOT).  So the feelings Jack has when I walk away, rejection and a feeling of failure, are intense for him.  All of his feelings are intense, full disclosure, so are mine.  We're quite the pair.  

But now I know and I'm trying so hard to be patient with him and with myself.  We feel things strongly.  Our feelings get hurt easily.  We feel rejection often.  This is hard but I feel like I have more tools available to me this time round.  My two oldest also have ADHD and I can honestly say I feel like I failed them, but when you know better, you do better.  Or at least that's the theory:)

Tomorrow I think we'll head to the pool for some exercise and to burn up some of that excess energy of his.

Furmaggedon.  Charlie sheds in the fall, which is now, according to his body.  He's pacing a lot because he wants to go for a walk, but it's too cold for his feet.  I could buy him booties I suppose, and maybe I will, but today I'm playing catch-up on housework and making a nice supper.  I'm vacuuming up dog hair and washing dog blankets, then I'll wash all the dog footprints off the floors.  I sense a theme here:)

The cat is pissed.  She wants to go outside but every time I open the door for her, there's still snow and cold.  She meows, very loudly, goes away, and then comes back a few minutes later.  We play this game for most of the day;  it's great!  

Jack is feeling better and is back to school.  He's sleeping through the night again, which means I'm sleeping through the night again.  Yay!  I'm not good without my sleep.  I worked yesterday and it was busy as hell (another theme), so I was grumpy after work.  Jack had a field trip yesterday and a busy day at school, so he was grumpy too.  We bumped heads when it came time for a bath and I just walked away and let him cry.  He didn't really know what he wanted and I was just too tired to deal with it.  When I came back, I explained to him that we were both really tired and that people often get grumpy when they're tired.  We decided he would not have a bath, but rather just put on his pajamas and go to bed.  He was sound asleep by 6:30pm.  I went to bed at 8pm, and we both slept until 6am, both of us much happier this morning.

Off to vacuum up Charlie's dog glitter (fur).  Christmas decorations will have to wait for another day, but not too long.  Christmas is coming up fast and Jack asks everyday when Christmas is, because everytime he asks for a new toy, we tell him Christmas is coming.  He did point out that last year Santa's gifts did not meet expectations (do better Santa).  He'll end up as a lawyer or hostage negotiator.

It's been a rough week.  Jack has been sick off and on, sleeping in my bed off and on (loosely translated as lots of coughing, kicking, and general tossing and turning).  Jack visited his grandma and mom yesterday; they took him to see Disney on ice, even with a fever and a cough.  He had a good time while there, but wouldn't eat when he came home and then vomited.  If I had said no, I would have been the bad guy, again.

I took Katie to Southgate Mall on Sunday and they had a light installation there.  Overall it was too crowded and noisy for her but they did have some massive, handpainted, ornaments that were beautiful.  I'll go back with Jack before Christmas.  He likes lights and he can visit Santa as well.  Katie saw Santa walking through the mall, going to work, and she LOVED it!  She even got a hug from Santa and I told him how much it meant to her.  He's a very kind man.

It snowed a lot over the weekend, 19 cm, and winter is definitely here.  The temperature dropped too and now the cat won't go outside, she's been complaining about it, a lot.  It's too cold for Charlie's feet to spend more than a few minutes outside.  Heidi is made of tougher stuff and will sit out on the deck for awhile.

And me?  I'm just tired, between work on Friday, depression (which is lifting), and Jack keeping me awake half the night.  I made some Christmas cookies yesterday and will make more today, with Jack's help (god help me).  

I'm also becoming much less willing to put up with patriarchy and general bullshit.  A bunch of entitled white men (because they're white and male) bitching and complaining about how hard they have it.

It's beautiful outside, gently snowing.  Inside, my poor brain is stuck in overthinking, and catastrophic thinking.  I've been taking a lot of pepcid the past couple of weeks for heartburn and depression has caught up with me again.

Charlie attacked another dog at the dog park and the owner of the dog verbally attacked me, so I did what Charlie does and I verbally attacked her back.  Then I cried and went back to apologize to her.  She apologized to me as well and told me about dog parks with only one dog at a time.  It's called Sniffspot.  You pay to take your dog to someone's acreage and the dogs have it all to themselves.  So more work (booking and paying) to take Charlie for a walk, which I don't even want to do right now anyway, because it's cold outside.  Right now it's all too much for my poor embattled brain.

I texted briefly with my middle daughter and her MS has been progressing, in her gut and in her eyes.  I so desperately want to fix this for her and there's nothing I can do.  She doesn't want to talk about it right now, so I have to honour that.  Impulse control and patience are not my strong suit though.

Depression sucks the goodness out of life.  I know it will pass but today it's dragging me under.

Truth.

I worked yesterday and we were busy as hell.  By the end of the shift, I was done.  We came home, I made a very easy, frozen food supper, got Jack ready for bed and then I went to bed at 7:10pm.  I thought I would have an amazing sleep but that was not to be.  At 11pm, Jack crawled into bed with me, not sure why, and then proceeded to toss and turn until 5am when he got up.  When I say toss and turn, I mean he would sit bolt upright, make a noise and then lay back down.  I didn't get much sleep and I'm hopeful that tonight I will have a good sleep.

I'm dragging my ass today, mostly fatigue, but also cold weather, and the general dumbfuckery in the world.  I did manage to make it to the dog park but even that was unpleasant.  I'm not used to the cold yet and even with my long johns on, it was cold.  The dogs however had a great time and everything was covered in hoar frost, which always makes the world look beautiful.

I need to get up and make a stew for supper and vacuum because roomba seems unable to charge.  Sigh.  My life is so difficult:)

The soon to be trump administration, AKA a goat rodeo.

I took the dogs to the dog park early this morning, after dropping Jack off at daycare.  Jack was happy to go, they're riding the double decker bus into Edmonton today.  Very exciting.  Yesterday, they went to Sherwood Park Mall and all the kids got to buy themselves lunch.  Also, very exciting.  I got gas at Costco after I dropped Jack off at daycare, also exciting?

This afternoon I have to pick Katie up and take her to see her family doctor.  Katie has been having a very hard time this past month, months. We tried putting her on birth control pills to stop her periods and perhaps stop her PMS which seems to be getting worse as she gets older.  Her periods didn't stop and her behaviors have gotten worse, which I'm guessing means the PMS is worse for her.  It's hard to tell, she doesn't understand and can't tell us, except with her behavior.

Katie has been evicted from two group homes because of her behaviors, so an escalation in behaviors makes me worry.  I don't really know what to do.  I'm going to talk to the doctor about other options like depo-provera, an implant, or even a total hysterectomy.  All of the options have their own side effects and down sides, and I feel torn about what to do.  Mostly, I don't want to see Katie suffer, or have to move again.

When Katie's upset she attacks other people, pulling their hair, or in one instance last month, bashing somebody at the gym with her wheelchair.  She also breaks things, strips off her clothes, urinates on the floor, and bangs her head against the wall or floor.  The staff try to stop her as quickly as possible but Katie has permanent scars on her forehead from banging it against things.  

So, what now?  I don't know.  I just really don't know.  

On the upside, Jack's behavior has improved radically with less screen time and more exercise.  I'm trying to play more games with him, to help him learn concepts like turn taking, counting, waiting, impulse control, and not being a asshole when you lose or win.  He spent a night last weekend at his grandma's house, saw his mama, and came home with a fair bit of attitude, but I told him that wasn't going to work with us.  He settled down pretty quickly.

There is also a ten week course being offered through AHS which teaches kids and parents/guardians, new skills such as making friends (for the kids I'm hoping) and dealing with ADHD issues (for the parents I'm hoping).  So we'll sign up for that, and Jack and I will go to it.

I saw this on Margaret's blog and loved it, so I stole it.  Thanks Margaret.

I'm avoiding the news as best I can, trying to get fresh air and exercise, and even worked for five hours yesterday.  

Update.  Katie saw the doctor, we've stopped her birth control pills for now and will wait to see if her behavior changes.  Katie sees her psychiatrist next Friday and her family doctor suggested we talk to him about medication changes.  Depo-Provera is a hard no because of osteoporosis and weight gain.  She also didn't like the idea of a hysterectomy at all.  I think I'm just scared of her being evicted but the staff last night assured me that Katie's behavior is far from the worst they've seen and she will not be evicted.  I want a quick fix, when there are no quick fixes.  Sigh.  Sixty-two and still learning that one:)