Acorns.  I'm collecting acorns again with plans to either plant them this fall, or to stratify them over the winter and then plant them in the spring.  Probably planting them now would be the easiest.  They are so beautiful and apparently you can eat them too.

I'm still feeling down and have been since Jack was traumatized again by his mother last month.  Gracie has no understanding, or doesn't care, that her actions affect others.  She is going to rehab and seems to think that is sufficient, no sorries, no explanations, nothing.  I think I'm angry about that, angry about how much she has hurt Jack in his short life, angry about how much my life has changed, angry that once again I am putting my life on hold.

That doesn't mean that I'm not happy to have Jack in our lives at all.  I love him and want to raise him, but it's not what I had planned to do.  And once again I feel like it doesn't really matter what I want to do.  I still take care of Katie, pay her bills, take her to the doctor, take her out for lunch and walks, while my exhusband swans in for a few hours, once a month, sometimes, to visit her.  People like to comment that it's good of him to visit, as he lives in Vancouver.  He chose to move to Vancouver and he's a pilot, so he flies on passes.  He's retired, he could do more for her but he chooses not to.  

And I'm angry with Jack's other family, who also like to swan off whenever they choose.  Rigth now they're in Vegas.  I get that they're different than me but it still irks me that I'm the responsible one.  I don't have any desire to go to Vegas but it bugs me that they can just go, without worrying about Jack.  I spent five days with my brother last month and all hell broke loose, again, while I was gone.

And I worry about my husband and his health, but I'm not going to write about that here because he would have a bird.  It's just kind of piled up on me over the last little while and I'm tired and sad and angry.  Perhaps I'm just grieving, the life I have, versus the life I thought I would have.  I have a good life but it's not what I thought it would be.  It's not like I have high expectations either, I keep those low but life managed to go even lower.  Apparently Barack Obama used to say, "When they go low, we go high."  My life seems to be of a different opinion.  When life goes low, we can go lower:)

I don't have a bad life at all.  I am retired and have more than enough money to see me out.  I'm relatively healthy, touch wood, and active.  I have a lovely grandson who also keeps me young and a daughter who is far more empathetic than people know.  Both Katie and Jack give the best hugs, but I think I am grieving for what existed only in my mind.  Just as I grieved the loss of my dream child when Katie was diagnosed, I think I am grieving the loss of my dream retirement.  Neither of the dreams were very realistic but they lived in my head and now it's time to let go of my dream retirement.  I let go of my dream child many, many years ago and ended up with Miss Katie, who wrapped herself around my heart and never let go.  I'm hopeful that the reality of my retirement is far better than what I dreamed.

To be honest, I think it's the school year and Jack starting school that is getting to me.  I realize that I know have thirteen years of school ahead of me, when I thought I was done with school when Katie graduated eleven years ago.  September is such a time of change.  The days are shorter, time is shorter it seems, things are finishing up and starting, all at the same time.  It's a time of changes.  Sigh.  

I wrote this out, cried hard, and now I'll probably take the dogs for a walk and then clean the house.  It helps me so much to get things out of my head and often I don't even realize what's really bothering me until I do set it down on paper (so to speak).  I'm grieving, I just didn't know that.

Rebecca Cheptegei died today.  She was a marathon runner who recently competed in the Paris Olympics.  She was a 33 year old mother of two daughters, aged 12 and 13.  Two days ago, her ex-partner doused her with gasoline and set her on fire, over a dispute about land.  Two days ago, a man thought it was okay to set his ex-partner on fire, because he was angry, because he didn't get what he wanted.  This man and his culture and the world told him that it's okay to kill a woman.  

Every day, 133 women are killed in the world by their intimate partners or family members.  Every day women are beaten, mutilated and killed.  Every day women are targeted because of their gender.

When I was in grade four, our teacher was beaten to death by her husband.  Shortly after I graduated from high school, one of our classmates was beaten to death by her boyfriend.  When I worked at the RAH, one of the nurses there was killed by her husband.  When I lived in the West End of Edmonton, a young nurse was killed by her ex-boyfriend, after her late shift.  He waited for her to get off work, killed her and then set her car on fire.  And that's just me and some of the women I've known.  

I've been both physically and sexually assaulted by the men in my life and most women you talk to have a story to tell of things that have happened to them.

And my question is, what did we do to piss men off?  Why are men so afraid of women?  This is not a new phenomenom, men having been killing women for thousands of years and my question is why?

So I did very little research and found this article,"The weaker sex? Science that shows women are stronger than men.".  Granted this is confirmation bias but it is also my lived experience.  And is this why men are afraid of women?  Because they know, deep down, that they need us more than we need them?  Do they resent this dependence?  

I don't have answers and I apologize to the men who are not monsters, who read this post, but I am so sad and angry today, to hear that another woman, a woman who was succeeding and doing well, a woman who was showing other women how to succeed, was murdered by her ex-partner.  

It was our anniversary yesterday.  It's a good thing this photo pops up on facebook, otherwise both of us would forget.  We got married up at Jasper, eight years ago.

When Jack started school last week, I realized it will be another thirteen years that I will be tied to a school calendar.  I don't mind, much, maybe a little.  I had wanted to travel a little when I retired, so I guess we'll just pull Jack out of school once in awhile and take him with us.  I would still like to visit Italy.

This photo was taken behind our house.  There are actually houses all around the pond, and a new school being built, but it's still a lovely little pond.  As you can see, there are also a lot of cattails.  Everyday when I go for my walk with the dogs, I watch the progression of the cattails, and they're nearing the end of their season.  This morning I read an article on how to harvest and dry the leaves, in preparation for weaving.  I thought about just watching videos on how to weave a basket, but I decided I would like to get out and meet other people, so I signed up for a course on basket weaving in a couple of weeks.  I'm kind of excited.

Yesterday an old friend drove out to the Park so we could have lunch together.  She kept trying to convince me to move back to the West End of Edmonton but that's not going to happen.  It's only a half hour drive to her place, not so far really.  We had a lovely visit.  We've been friends for thirty-two years.  She has multiple myeloma but she's doing well and enjoying life.  She wanted me to join her card group but that's not going to happen either.  Her friends are rich women, not my type.

On Monday we took Jack out to his grandma's lake lot to spend time.  To be honest it was fun for him, but boring for hubby and I.  We don't really fit in well there.  We don't sit around and drink much, or ever really.  But Jack had a good visit and loved seeing his other family.  Gracie wasn't there, she's not welcome at the lake.  

I had bad vertigo last week that left me very grumpy, nauseous, and very tired, shockingly tired.  It's finally gone now but I couldn't believe how drained it left me.  I have BPPV which is not a terrible thing but it is unpleasant.  I've had it since I was eighteen, and it comes and goes.  I am very thankful the vertigo is now gone.

I'm off to make some supper, so I don't have to cook later, and then walk the dogs.  It's cold and windy this morning, so I'm waiting a bit to walk the dogs.  It's dark now when we get up, sigh.  Winter is coming.

The trees are changing colour, putting on their fall colours.  Most importantly, the days are not so hot, and the nights are nice and cool.

Jack started school yesterday and "It was the best day ever!"

I bought a secondhand bike so I can keep up with Jack on his bike.  The bike is comfortable which is good news for my behind.  I took the bike out for a short ride this morning.  It's been fifty years since I rode a coaster bike, no handbrake, and I think I will have handbrakes added to the bike, either that or run into things:)

Mother nature is doing her job, getting all the flowers and plants ready for winter.  The asters are blooming.

I took both dogs out for a walk this morning.  Nothing much going on which is quite peaceful.

A slightly poisonous toadstool, with some halucinogenic qualities, just growing along the pathway.  I've been digging up baby spruce trees where these mushrooms grow and transplanting them to the pathway behind our house.  There used to be five columnar poplars growing there but they were cut down by the county because the trees were dying.  And now, five years later, still no replacement trees, so I though I would take matters into my own hands.  The spruce are very tiny, maybe three inches tall, but they'll get bigger, eventually.  I also picked some rosehips from the wild roses and planted those as well.  While I'm at it, I think I'll try planting some dogwood berries there as well.  

A few years ago I tried growing oak trees from the acorns, with limited success, but I did give some of those trees away to a colleague who lives on an acreage, and those trees are still alive.  As I've been walking on the paths, and through the woods, behind our house, I've noticed probably half a dozen oak trees trying to grow.  One was doing very well, and was probably four feet tall.  The others look only a year old and I'm sure were a result of a forgetful squirrel.  I hope they survive the winter.

We went to court this morning and asked the judge to restrict Gracie's visits to only supervised visits, once a week.  The application was granted and Gracie's sister will once again supervise visits between Gracie and Jack.  Gracie didn't object.  We don't have to go back until April, unless things change.  So good news but both hubby and I are exhausted, mentally.  

Last night Jack had a giant melt down, complete with screaming, crying, punching, and trying to break the glass door of the office.  We both stayed calm for Jack.  I think he needed to discharge his anger at life, and at his mom.  He was fine last night afterwards and slept well last night.  We did talk about how dangerous punching or banging a glass door is and what could happen if the glass broke.  He seemed to listen and understand.  All the anger seems drained out of him though, thankfully.

Life continues on, the days are shorter, the nights are longer and cooler.  The leaves have started to change colour and summer is ending.  Jack starts school on Thursday, and he's excited about that.  I'm planting trees and I'm excited about that.

I couldn't figure out who this photo belonged to but it definitely makes a point.  I'll try to start answering comments again, but I lack energy right now.  Sorry.

 

When I'm feeling down, I tend to drag all the bad stuff closer to me, to wallow in it, to confirm my belief that the world is not a good place.  Except that it's not true.  There is much good in the world, there are loving parents, there are people who dedicate their lives to helping others, and there are dogs.

I took this photo of Charlie last night.  It's hard to believe that a year ago I considered getting rid of him.  He's not without his issues but every morning he wags his tail and greets me as if I am his long lost best friend.  He loves me and I love him.

I worked yesterday and remembered how hard it is to care for dying people, both physically and mentally.  By the end of the day, the big guy and I were both exhausted when we picked up Jack from daycare.

On Wednesday, I served both Gracie and her mom with the court documents.  Gracie is angry as hell with her mom and me;  she didn't say a word to either of us when we stopped by her apartment to drop of the documents and a tablet.  Gracie is convinced that all will be resolved if she has a job.  In the last year and a half she has only worked two weeks.  I agree that she needs a job but she also needs to be sober.  She no longer recieves any money from the government for Jack.  We applied to the CRA to have Jack declared as our dependent and the CRA agreed, which means no more child benefits for her, about $900/month when they're all added up.

I had a long talk with Jack's grandma on Wednesday.  I drove out to her lake lot to pick her up and drive her home, as she has no car right now.  She agreed that she can't see Gracie ever being able to raise Jack, she can't even take care of herself.  That helped, hearing that.  I also told her that I made a conscious decision to give Jack the best care that I can, until he's an adult.  I hope that helped her as well.

Other than that, I have my garden, a good book and dogs to walk.  

I don't have much right now, feeling down and tired.  We saw the lawyer this morning and back to court next week.  I haven't even felt like going through my photos and processing them.  Here's a few.

 

Flowers on top of Mount Revestoke.

 Creamer, Creamy or Creamsicle.