Thursday, February 22, 2018

Both photos were taken on Kitsilano beach in Vancouver last week.

I was reading through old posts this morning.  Two things struck me.  One is that I need to proof read better and two I am often depressed, or at least, often write about my depression.  I find writing very helpful when I am depressed.  When things are good I tend not to write about it because, well, things are good.

Last week I visited my daughter in Vancouver.  She graduated with her Bachelor of Business Degree.  I'm very proud of her.  She worked  the whole time she went to school and graduated with virtually no debt.  It took her six years to get her degree which included an internship in Zambia.  Africa was difficult for her.  It was a huge culture shock, she did without, she was harassed for being so pale skinned and ended up contracting malaria.  She also grew up a lot and realizes how entitled she was growing up.

We had a wonderful visit.  The first time in years and years that we had spent so much time together.  We talked and talked and talked.  One morning she asked me what I thought about god and we had an hour long conversation about everything.  No surprise, we're pretty much both on the same page.  We shopped, a lot.  She and her boyfriend are moving and needed furniture, they had lived in a furnished house.  We talked a little about her father and her brother.  We went to the gym and she designed a workout for my older, out of shape body.  She's also a personal trainer.

She's happy enough and she likes the person she has become which makes me happy.  I miss her but I am thankful she has built a life for herself that includes a good man, also a big guy, and a job she likes.

Last week while I was Vancouver I received a text message that my girlfriend with metastatic breast cancer had been admitted to the hospital and was given only days to live.  She defied the docs and was discharged home on the day they expected her to die.  She's at home quilting and going for short walks.  We're driving up to Jasper this weekend to visit her and I am so thankful I will get a chance to see her again.  She inspires me so much.  She doesn't suffer.  She lives her life.  Perhaps she can teach me how to do this.

The sun is shining today.  It's warming up.  I'm baking cookies and made a Shepard's pie to take to my girlfriend on the weekend. I feel good.  I am thankful.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Things I'm thankful for today.

My girlfriend had her stem cell harvest today and it was successful.
Bad jokes, actually all jokes and humor in general.
Flying to Vancouver tomorrow to visit my middle daughter.
The weather warmed up today.
Time to sit with a patient's family and answer all of their questions.
The big guy.
Homemade cookies.

What are you thankful for?

Friday, February 9, 2018

My beautiful son, thirty-four years ago.  I was far too young to be a mom but that's how things happened.  When he was two weeks old I applied for nursing school and was accepted.  I knew that his father would never be able to care for us;  I would need a good job to support us.  When he was ten months old I broke up with his father but never stopped either his father or his grandparents from seeing him.  He was always a part of their family too.  I still talk to his grandmother on a regular basis.

I left his father because of lies and alcohol.  I didn't want my son growing up with a father who lied about everything.  I thought I could protect my son.  Turns out I couldn't and it breaks my heart.

My son was in jail last summer for domestic violence.  He and his girlfriend were drunk and he hit her.  This happened twice, once in February and once in June.  Both times there was a no contact order and he violated those no contact orders four times.  He spent 100 days in jail and was released last September.  He is on probation for one year with the requirement that he not drink alcohol and not contact his ex girlfriend.  He did both.  He's still in contact with her, he still drinks himself into oblivion.

He has texted me twice in the last two weeks telling me he wants to die and is surprised he's still here.  He asks for money, begs for money.  He tells me he will end up on the street.  He's hungry.  He pulls every string he can think of to get what he wants which is just money.  More money to drink or buy drugs or fuck women.

And I tell him no.  What he doesn't understand, couldn't possibly understand is the price it costs me to say no to my son.  It's painful and always drags me under a little.  Eventually the drag that is only a little adds up and I'm drowning again.

The big guy says my son needs to hit rock bottom.  I know this.  I get it but it's awful to watch.  He is a part of my heart.  I don't even like him anymore but he still lives in my heart.  And oh my god it hurts.

And the worst part is the knowledge that I couldn't protect him from his father, from his genes, from his fate.  He is his father's son.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Another one of the big guy's shots. 

Things I'm thankful for today.

Going back to the mountains next weekend.
My girlfriend got her central line in yesterday and I got to hang out with her while one of our awesome radiologists put it in.
Spent last evening with a young friend and her two year old daughter.  I got to play and my friend got to clean her place.
A clean dog.  She got a bath this morning because she stunk.
Going to visit my daughter in Vancouver in two weeks.
A furnace that works.  Ours quit on the weekend and a very nice man came and fixed it for us.
The big guy.
Speaking up for myself.
Talking to a counselor.
Lunch with a friend today.

What are you thankful for today?