Saturday, April 26, 2014

It's been a difficult but interesting two weeks.  Two weeks ago I kicked the big guy out.  I won't go into details but things weren't working.  The next day I woke up with a sore neck.  Two days later I agreed to try one more time with the big guy but there were conditions to his coming back.  We're trying.  It's not just him, it is me as well.  I have baggage that I drag along with me that dates back to my childhood, as do we all.  We're both working on things with a counselor.

My shoulders continue to pain me and yes, I know it is stress. Last week I had to come home from work because I was in so much pain.  I've tried physio, massage, hot packs, ice packs, stretches, muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories with mixed results.  Last Tuesday I spent over an hour wearing my lead apron at work and my neck went into such spasms that I wanted to cry.  That's when I went to the physiotherapist.  My neck is better but still tight. 

I talked to my girlfriend with cancer two days ago.  The radiation therapy and the chemotherapy have not eradicated the cancer in the lymph nodes;  she will need surgery in June to remove the lymph nodes.  She told me, "Then I will be cured."  I wanted to cry when I heard her say that.  I no longer believe in cancer cures.  Her cancer has spread beyond it's original site.  The doctors can try to slow it down but she now has cancer cells circulating in her system.  It's only a matter of time before these cells set up shop someplace else. 

I'm not sure if she believes she can be cured or if it's only her minds way of protecting her from the awful truth.  It doesn't really matter I suppose, what will be, will be.  She still has now.  I don't know how I would be, a basket case I'm thinking.  I hesitate to call or visit her for fear that what I know will show on my face and destroy her hope.  I don't want to do that.  She is my friend and I love her dearly.  I would never want to destroy her hope.  I guess I need to take a deep breathe and visit her, listen to her, love her. It's all I can do.  I need to put away my own fears, my own knowledge and be present for her.

And so it goes.  Spring has finally arrived in the north.  The snow has gone.  Spring rains have been washing the city clean in preparation for all manner of blooms to burst forth.  It's so strange, me who hates change so much, enjoys spring and fall the most, the times of change. 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

No words, just this kite caught in the tree, unable to free itself.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Miss Katie at Special Olympics bowling.

It's been a difficult week.  Not because of Katie, she's doing well, but because of work.  We've been short staffed to the point of insanity.  I work in cancer care.  The things we do can't really wait.  Patients need to start their chemotherapy, they need their scans.  Cancer doesn't take a holiday.  So I worked my ass off this past week and last night I crashed.  I came home, almost too tired to eat.  The big guy let me cry, cooked  supper and we went to bed at eight.  I slept for almost twelve hours and feel like a human again.  I am thankful.

Katie's dad is coming this weekend to take her out.  He comes out usually twice a month to visit her which is good and  I appreciate the break on the weekends.  I don't care for her full time anymore but I'm still responsible for paying her bills, for doing her shopping, for making her meals, for any emergencies that come up, for attending doctor's visits and meetings.  Writing it down makes me realize that it's still a lot of work.  It's the forms I hate most.  I loath filling in forms. 

The estrogen replacement is slowly righting my tipped over hormonal system.  I know that menopause is normal.  I know that it's what is supposed to happen but I couldn't cope any longer without estrogen.  The hot flashes happened once or twice an hour, all day and night, making me dizzy enough to sit down, disrupting my sleep, bathing me in sweat.  I couldn't think straight.  I forgot things.  I couldn't make sense, didn't make sense.  It scared me.  I'm starting to feel like my old self again. 

I continue to judge others and myself.  My sisters are both on hormone replacement therapy and I thought, to myself only, what is wrong with them?  Menopause is normal.  Why can't they just suck it up and deal with it?  And now I know why.  The universe has conspired, once again, to teach me a lesson.  I learn everything the hard way apparently.   Note to self, slow down, be kind, you don't know it all.  Respect the universe.