It's been a difficult week. Not because of Katie, she's doing well, but because of work. We've been short staffed to the point of insanity. I work in cancer care. The things we do can't really wait. Patients need to start their chemotherapy, they need their scans. Cancer doesn't take a holiday. So I worked my ass off this past week and last night I crashed. I came home, almost too tired to eat. The big guy let me cry, cooked supper and we went to bed at eight. I slept for almost twelve hours and feel like a human again. I am thankful.
Katie's dad is coming this weekend to take her out. He comes out usually twice a month to visit her which is good and I appreciate the break on the weekends. I don't care for her full time anymore but I'm still responsible for paying her bills, for doing her shopping, for making her meals, for any emergencies that come up, for attending doctor's visits and meetings. Writing it down makes me realize that it's still a lot of work. It's the forms I hate most. I loath filling in forms.
The estrogen replacement is slowly righting my tipped over hormonal system. I know that menopause is normal. I know that it's what is supposed to happen but I couldn't cope any longer without estrogen. The hot flashes happened once or twice an hour, all day and night, making me dizzy enough to sit down, disrupting my sleep, bathing me in sweat. I couldn't think straight. I forgot things. I couldn't make sense, didn't make sense. It scared me. I'm starting to feel like my old self again.
I continue to judge others and myself. My sisters are both on hormone replacement therapy and I thought, to myself only, what is wrong with them? Menopause is normal. Why can't they just suck it up and deal with it? And now I know why. The universe has conspired, once again, to teach me a lesson. I learn everything the hard way apparently. Note to self, slow down, be kind, you don't know it all. Respect the universe.
