Marsh marigold.

I had a mammogram a few weeks ago and they saw something different on it, something that had not been on previous images, so the radiologist suggested I have an ultrasound to investigate.  I had the ultrasound the other day at work, they had a cancellation and could fit me in, and it turns out, it's just a cyst.  Of course I never thought it was cancer (I can hear laughing in my head, of course I was convinced it was cancer) and I'm so thankful it's just a cyst.  Colour me happy.

One of the nurses in our building, a nurse in chemo, has been diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer.  She's only forty-six years old and she's one of us, that's breaking my heart.  I make sure I put up funnies on instagram for her, because I think laughter is the best medicine.

I still miss Lucy and I think Heidi is missing her as well.  I've been taking Heidi for extra walks and she's been getting extra love.  This morning I filled in an application for a new dog.  We'll see what happens.  It's a male dog, which I haven't had in a long time, not sure how he and Heidi would get along.  Heidi is not very keen on males sniffing her back end.  I think she's had enough of males, lots of litters, and would prefer they just leave her alone.  

I've been planning my funeral, because you never know when you'll kick it.

As so often happens here, spring has been short and swift.  Fires are still burning to the north and to the west of us and the smoke descends upon us at times.  I found this photo of the fire a couple of weeks ago that came close to the dog park.  That's what we saw when we were turned east off the highway.

I'm feeling low, sad over putting down Lucy.  She was a sweet dog and a pain in the ass at times.  She was a beagle, so completely food driven and relentless.  She rarely barked and I only ever heard her howl once or twice in the seven years she lived with us.  I know she was suffering and I'm thankful that she's no longer suffering, but I still miss her.  It's the same with my mum.  I'm thankful mum is not longer suffering but I wish she was still alive and healthy.  

I didn't realize how much stress Lucy's impending death was putting on me until I finally called the vet and scheduled an appointment for her.  I stayed with her while the vet put the propofol in her IV lock and she relaxed, and I stayed with her when the vet put the pentobarbitol in her IV lock and she stopped breathing.  I stroked her head the whole time and she suffered no pain.  Today I go back to the vet's to pick up her ashes.  I wonder how much room a small beagle's ashes take up.  

We were supposed to have a guardian meeting this evening but Lori (Jack's grandma and guardian) trailer's heater isn't working so she cancelled the meeting, so that she can meet the service guy out at the lake where her trailer is parked.  Last week she couldn't make a meeting because she had plans already, she went to a movie with her other daughter (Jack's other guardian).   It's hard not to feel played by these people at times.  We know nothing about what's going on with Gracie because that family keeps secrets.  

I'm off today so I worked in the garden, planted my annuals in their pots, cut the grass, seeded the brown spots where the dog pee had killed the grass, fertilized and watered the grass and flower beds.  I promised to take Miss Katie to Fort Edmonton this weekend because the park opens this weekends and OMG she is excited.  Work is busy.  Yesterday I had a sixty-six year old man with presumptive lung cancer.  He came for a biopsy because he had a huge mass in his lung.  He had a three month history of weight loss (thirty pounds) and headaches for the past two months.  By the time we were done with him, we knew he was stage four lung cancer with brain and adrenal mets.  He was a nice man who believed (hoped) that his headaches were from the bridge in his mouth.  He'll see the oncologist later this week and be told the news that he his dying. I try not to get attached to my patients but I still do.  More grief.  

 RIP Lucy

Miss Katie stole her caregiver's shoes and then they put a lovely dress on her.  She's so beautiful and she loves high heels.  When both of my girls still lived at home, Katie would always steal her sister's shoes to wear, even the four inch heels.

We've had some rain, this was the sky last night when we took Jack and the neighbor's little girl for a bike ride.  Jack has a stryder bike, no wheels, and he's doing so well on it.

Spring has arrived in a rush.  I've planted all of my plants outside, three weeks early, because it doesn't look like we'll be having frost anytime soon, usually the May long weekend is for planting.  What can I say,  I lead a reckless life.

Not much else going on.  We're driving down to Wetaskiwin this morning to wish my father in law happy 89th birthday.  I honestly didn't think he'd survive the past year but he's a tough old guy.  I made him a nobake cheesecake with bumbleberry coulis, his favorite.

Highway 21 and 14 have been closed because of  smoke and fog, causing multi vehicle collisions, so we'll have to work our way around that to get to Wetaskiwin. 

Last night after supper, the big guy took Jack for a walk around the block and he noticed black smoke in the not so far distance.  Because I'm nosey, we put Jack in his pyjamas and loaded him into the car so that we could go see what was happening.

This spring has been hot, windy and dry.  The winds have been ferocious and make me quite grumpy.  There are fires burning all over Alberta.  A week ago my manager and her husband lost ten acres to a fire caused by assholes in the next field over.  I don't know how much damage was done to their neighbor's property, but the bill from fire services was going to be $80,000 for the neighbor.  

We drove towards the dog park which is 6 kilometres away but were turned east by police.  We then drove down highway 21 and again got turned east by roadblocks.  At one point we could see flames crossing highway 21 and it looked like the dog park was going up in flames.

This morning we drove to the dog park and it was spared thankfully.  The fire which looked close enough to touch last night was in fact 1 kilometre south of the dog park; the flames must have been huge.  No houses or barns were destroyed, although a lot of people were evacuated.  The fire itself burned a narrow strip through farmland.

I feel like this tree right now, still standing, but surrounded by scorched earth.  Work is busy, my knee hurts a lot, which is making my toes spasm.  Jack is with us six nights a week again and he's not spending time with his mom alone anymore.  He is also very suspicious of his grandma and auntie, worried that they might be taking him to his mama's.  When they come to pick him up, he hides under the coffee table now.  I wonder again if I should be taking him to see a therapist.

This morning he asked us why he has so many parents.  Last night he asked me if his dad was dead.  I thought raising my own kids was hard, raising a grandchild is next level.