Thursday, September 23, 2021

I had a patient yesterday, who when I asked him if his ostomy had been reversed yet, replied, "They took my ass."  I asked him if they had made a politician out of it.  He can't have his ostomy reversed because they had to remove his anus but we both laughed about it. 

The medical director who was so awful that there was a joint complaint in May, has made a 180 degree turn and is nice to work with now.  He makes jokes, is nice to staff and best of all, is kind to the patients.  In fact a patient this week commented on how kind the doctor was.  I passed that message onto him this morning and he was nonplussed.

A young friend of mine at work gave me a belated birthday gift today, a can of coke and an almond croissant along with a lovely card.  She knows me so well.

Jack is with us tonight and he's happy.  Poppa is sick but Jack is just glad to be back with us.  We have him for two nights. 

Our ICUs are overflowing with Covid patients thanks to our half-witted premier who declared the pandemic over in July and did away with Covid precautions.  People are dying because of him, well that and stupidity.  The majority of ICU patients are unvaccinated, something like 92%.  If only there was some way of knowing that this would happen.  Who could have foreseen this?

A patient who has been coming to us for awhile now came for her last scan this week.  If her scan was clear, she wouldn't be back.  I gave her a big hug and told her, "Don't come back."  

One of my coworkers told me that there was a very grumpy old man in a wheelchair.  She gave me his papers and said, "Can you take him?"  At least she looked a little sheepish.  Grumpy patients don't bother me and I can usually jolly them along.  In this case though, I was unsuccessful.

Life continues on.

Saturday, September 18, 2021

I'm starting to feel like a human being again which is nice.  Jack has been with us since Wednesday night.  

I got a call from Gracie on Thursday and her toilet was plugged and overflowing and so was the kitchen sink.  There was a plumber there to fix the sink and toilet but there is damage to the floors and drywall.  She's also been fired from her job.  I walked over there after the call to talk to the plumber, I couldn't even talk to her.  She was sitting crying and didn't want to talk to me either.  Sigh.  

We took Jack to the park this morning, down by the river.  We had a lovely walk and the trees are turning color.  He spent a fair bit of time walking in the bush.  He wanted to walk through the bush instead of on the trails.  I told him to go for it but to be careful that he didn't get poked in the eyes.  He was careful and got tired of walking with his hands up in front of his face.  It was very cute.

I planted some bulbs today.  I've been meaning to plant tulip bulbs since I moved here five years ago and haven't.  Last weekend I bought tulip, crocus and grape hyacinth bulbs, and this afternoon I got them all planted.  Jack and the big guy joined me outside and there was water and dirt and some fun with the neighbor boy.  We also got a chance to chat with our neighbors which was nice.  My neighbor is an emergency nurse and he's done with stupid people too. 

Our ICUs and hospitals are overflowing in Alberta, there is talk of the military stepping in to help and or shipping patients to Ontario.  Nurses are discouraged and angry but there is a small ray of hope with the new restrictions instituted last week.  Masks are back.  Vaccinations are becoming mandatory, or at least mandatory if you want to do anything.  Gatherings are limited.  

I've been reading a lot and making a lot of tomato sauce.  I've also booked more time off in the next few months and will see if I can get some talk therapy.  It's hard to get help when you feel depressed and then when you're not depressed, you think, but I'm doing pretty good.  And so it goes.  

My sense of humor and the absurd remains solidly intact though, thank goodness.  

Thursday, September 16, 2021


I'm still depressed but I have a day off today which means I've made cinnamon knots and will make tomato sauce.  I don't think I've ever laid down because of depression.  My kids were always fed, the laundry was done, the house was relatively clean and I went to work.  Sometimes I left work crying when I couldn't cope.  When my father was dying and I had been sexually assualted by a doctor at work, I took a month off work.  When my step daughter told us to fuck off and they never wanted to see us again and you can never see your granddaughters again, I ended up wanting to die and was off work for three weeks over Christmas.  

It comes and goes, this blackness.  When Miss Katie was diagnosed it was hard, so hard.  I felt like I had been sucked down into a black hole and there was no way I could ever get back out.  I did eventually and limped along.  

I've tried cognitive behavior therapy, talk therapy, meditation, exercise, medication, EMDR, visualization and journalling.  I still take medications and they work-ish.  I write, sometimes.  I exercise sometimes.  I cry sometimes.  And still it persists.  

I talked to a friend at work who has used magic mushrooms to reset her brain, successfully, but I'm not a candidate because I take anti-depressants.  Ironic.

The wind is blowing and it's cold outside so I'm hanging out indoors doing laundry and cooking.  

Jack came to us last night.  His mama dropped him off on her way to work.  He was frozen, no coat, and his pants reeked of urine.  He has a nasty diaper rash again.  He was sticky and dirty and quiet in the tub.  His poppa held him and talked to him and put him to bed.  This morning he was his old self, smiling and happy.  Needless to say this doesn't help and there's nothing I can do except love him when he's here, and I do.  

Life goes on, good days and bad days.  Tears and laughter.  This too shall pass but I wish it would hurry up.

Monday, September 13, 2021

I'm struggling again with depression.  I just wish it would go away and never come back.  I'm just so damned tired.

I called an old friend this evening and we talked for almost an hour.  It was wonderful.  We talked about addictions, anti-vaxxers, trauma, grief, children, cancer, family, you name it.  It felt good.

Maybe tomorrow night I'll call another friend.  I often forget I have friends I can lean on.  Actually, the real problem is, I fear rejection, always.  Fucking messed up brain.

Sunday, September 12, 2021

I'm exhausted, again.  Jack's had a tough week but today he's mostly back to normal, except for a half hour of wrestling and crying to take his afternoon nap.  Gracie doesn't bother with afternoon naps, they're too hard.

I'm trying not to complain but damn, it's hard.  I'm thankful I'm off today and that I'm doing some meal prep for next week.  I'm thankful the laundry is done and I made a nanaimo square yesterday, very yummy.  I'm thankful I don't have to water the tomatoes anymore.  I've picked all of them and they're sitting on my kitchen counter, ripening.  I'm thankful I made some delicious tomato sauce this morning with my new food mill.  I'm thankful food mills don't make any noise and I don't have to peel the tomatoes.  

Jack and his nana and poppa are enjoying the hot wheels track.  I like making bridges to go under and obstacles to ram into, because I'm so mature:)

The last photo is for Ms. Moon.  I haven't been commenting much, again, too tired, but I am reading.


Wednesday, September 8, 2021

I can't figure out how to use my new photo editing software so I'm stuck with phone images for now.  I might have cried when trying to figure things out.  I don't know why I'm so weepy this morning;  I do actually.  The world.  When I'm on holidays I can much more easily ignore the world but in real life, there is too much world.

The world seems to consist mostly of screaming, angry people right now, myself included.  Covid rates are skyrocketing here, as are hospital admissions and ICU admissions.  If only we could have known this would happen, if only there had been some kind of warning.  My employer is now hiring travel ICU nurses for between $5 and $33/hour more than I make, and they still want us to take a pay cut.

There are anti vaxxers protesting outside of hospitals here, making it difficult for staff and patients to get to hospitals, angry that their rights are being assaulted.  They have no responsiblity apparently for this fourth wave, even though they make up 75% of hospitalizations.  

Texas hates women, or so it seems.  Greg Abbott said, “That said, however, let’s make something very clear,” Abbott continued, his voice gaining emphasis. “Rape is a crime, and Texas will work tirelessly to make sure that we eliminate all rapists from the streets of Texas by aggressively going out and arresting them and prosecuting them and getting them off the streets.”

So he isn't going to stop rapists until after they have raped someone, unless he plans on locking up all men as potential rapists. Apparently logic and critical thinking skills are not taught in Texas schools.  So women will die having non medical abortions.  WTF!

Jack stayed with us again last night.  He was beside himself at bedtime, screaming and crying and flailing.  This is not him.  His poppa sang to him and held him.  He woke again in the night crying and restless so I lay down with him until he settled.  This morning there was more screaming about leaving the house and going to daycare.  Two weeks with his mom have turned Jack into a monster and it breaks my heart.  Gracie needs to be an adult and can't it seems.  

And my son is back in the picture.  He keeps trying to contact me.  Nothing has changed, except he's lonely.  Does that mean his wife has kicked him out of the house?  No idea.  I just know I don't want to get dragged down with him.  I have enough shit.

Not everything is bad, sometimes it just feels like that.  I'll get outside today with the dogs and that will help.  My coworkers missed me which was nice to hear.  Jack will get better with time and consistency.  I can do nothing about stupidity and ignorance.  I can breathe.  There is still good in the world, despite appearances to the contrary.  

Monday, September 6, 2021

This sky, this field, this is why I love Alberta.  BC was beautiful, the ocean, the beaches, the huge trees, but it's not home.  This is home.

We went to Westakiwin yesterday to visit the big guy's parents.  His dad is home from the hospital but needs a wheelchair now to get around as he's unsteady on his feet.  He still needs a urine bag as well because of his enlarged prostate.  They're waiting to see a urologist but once again things have slowed down thanks to covid.  But he's well and happy to be home.  My mother in law is worried;  she's afraid her husband is closer to dying than he was before and it's scary for her.  They've been together for sixty years.  

She told me the story of my father in law falling again.  I'm old enough now to understand that people need to tell their stories more than once, as many times as they need to in fact.  I listened to her.  That's all any of us really want, isn't it?  For someone to listen to us.  I can't fix anything but I can be there for her. 

We also took Katie for a walk and out for lunch.  It was so nice to see her and she was happy to see us.  
Saturday we spent the day with Jack.  He was out of sorts, whiny and demanding.  He spent the night too and was up for almost an hour until I took him to bed with me.  He sat and cried in bed.  I don't know if he didn't feel well or if he was just sad but it broke my heart.  He's back again tonight for the rest of the week I think.  

The weather is cooler now.  Fall is here.  The days are noticeably shorter and the nights are much colder.  The crops are being harvested and the geese are gathering in larger numbers.  The trees are turning color and my garden is fading away.  It's always my favorite time of year.  

Friday, September 3, 2021

Long Beach.  Well named.  

We made it home from our holidays and it's so nice to be back home.  The big guy fell and hurt his knee the first night of our holidays and it hurt for him to walk and bend his knee.  On the fourth day, Lucy, our beagle, hurt her back and she was in a lot of pain.  There was no vet available in Ucluelet or Tofino so I went online and discovered I could give her baby aspirin, so that's what I did.  The big guy also got anti-inflammatories which helped somewhat.  There was less walking than normal, less photos and more general grumpiness.  

The big guy and Lucy are both feeling much better now and I'm thankful for that.

We saw friends and family while we were away which was wonderful.  I hadn't seen my sister in law in eight years and we just picked up where we left off.  My brother was very odd.  He had visited us in June and had a nice visit and he seemed happy.  He was not very talkative when we got there, wouldn't sit down and just kept busy.  He was supposed to go back to work in July but my sister in law said that didn't work.  He's only just gone back to work now.  I didn't realize how depressed he was.  My sister in law said he was suicidal more than once which is scary.  Of course he didn't talk to me about any of this.  

My brother can be very sarcastic and cutting and he was when we first got there.  He's not that funny and his sarcasm can be mean spirited.  When my sister in law told me how depressed he was though I had a better understanding of him.  He pushes people away and does it with sarcasm.  He's sad but it comes across as anger and just general assholery.  He's like our dad in that way.  

But when I hugged him and told him I loved him he responded in kind.  He lost two good friends these past few months and he's grieving but I don't think he knows how to.  He just pushes everyone away, much like my dad.  Much like me.  

On the upside, it is our fifth anniversary today.  We often forget and don't really celebrate but tonight I made a special supper and dessert.  I'm thankful I met the big guy.  

Covid numbers continue to rise in Alberta and our Premier finally showed up today to address this issue.  It wasn't much but it was better than nothing.  I was so upset last night about the whole thing that I had a hard time falling asleep.  It's so frustrating when you can't fix things, when you don't have control:)  It's hard to accept things, for me anyway.  

We see Jack tomorrow which will be wonderful.  I called Gracie this evening to tell her we're home and she had cancelled her shifts for the weekend because she couldn't get anyone to watch Jack for her.  Her parents didn't want to I guess.  It's the long weekend which means a three day party instead of a two day party.  

The laundry is done and put away.  There are clean sheets on the bed and my kitchen is clean.  When I went to bed last night it was so nice to just be back in my own bed with my things nearby.  I didn't have to arrange anything or look for anything.  My clock was beside my bed and so was my book.  Something I take for granted until I'm away from home.  

I'm thankful we're home.