Tuesday, March 10, 2020

As you can see, we still have lots of snow.  I'm so thankful we adopted Heidi and now spend time everyday among the trees.  The walks are good for all of us, fresh air, exercise, trees, all good.  I've had a bit of time off these past few weeks, burning up leftover vacation time which is nice.  I've always got lots of things to do at home and it's nice to have the time to do them.  

The quilt is coming along.  It's sewn together and now I need to put a border on it and then send it for quilting.  It turned out even nicer than I thought it would and I'm so pleased with it.  The colors make me happy.  It's a wedding gift for a young friend whose favorite color is teal.  I hope she likes it.

I looked at my retirement investments this morning, even though I thought it was a bad idea.  It was a bad idea.  My portfolio is down a lot.  I know it will eventually come back up but still...

The virus is a hot topic everywhere now.  If only half of the earth's population gets sick and 2% die, that's still 150 million people.  Two percent of a big number is a lot.  Nobody has immunity to this virus, except those who have recovered.  Anybody with preexisting diseases such as cancer, diabetes, COPD, and the frail and elderly are at increased risk.  People over 85 have a 15% risk of death from the virus.  The biggest concern I have is our health care system which is already maxed out.

In the mean time, life goes on.  Heidi has the right idea.  Stay calm and sleep.

My depression is lifting which is always a good feeling.  I listen to Tapestry on CBC radio on Sundays if I can.  Rabbi Harold Kushner was the guest and he was talking about dealing with serious disappointment.  My dream as a child was to be a mother, to have a family.  I wanted my children to be close to me.  I wanted to have family suppers on Sundays with my children, their spouses and their children.  I wanted to be a grandma like my own mum.  That was my dream.  I didn't really care about my job, I wanted a family, a better family than my own family.

I didn't get that and giving up that dream has been hard for me.  I left my husband, I broke up my family, my son is lost to addiction and my middle daughter is a spoiled child who blames me for her own problems.  And then there is Miss Katie, the hardest dream to die.  When she was diagnosed as disabled, that plunged me into a years long depression.  That was the hardest, losing my dream child.  Of course today Katie is a happy, healthy young woman who enjoys her life for the most part.  She is loving and has a wicked sense of humor but I didn't know that would happen when she was only a year old.

Listening to Rabbi Kushner talk made me realize how stuck I was with my dream and how hard I had hung onto it, even to my own detriment.  I have a lot of love in my heart and I need to give it to someone.  I love my children, even though I dislike who they have become, not Katie of course.  But that love is not returned.  I love my grandson and that love is returned.  I love my husband.  I love my animals.  I love my friends.  I love my patients.  Perhaps my dream of family is a dream of giving love and I can still do that, it will just look different than I imagined.

If you click on Rabbi Kushner's name above it will take you to the broadcast.

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