Monday, June 27, 2022

We had Jack this weekend, most weekends.  He was full of piss and vinegar.  Saturday night I thought I would die of exhaustion, but I didn't.  Yesterday was much better and I took an hour to sit outside and read a book.  I say this often and tell others to do the same, but I need to care for myself and I haven't done that, ever.  I take care of everyone else.  

I picked up a book last week at Walmart, I think.  It's called "The Change" by Kirsten Miller, a young woman; I wondered what the hell the writer would know about menopause and then, math.   I looked her up and she was born in 1973, not as young as she looks and apparently I have a mental block when it comes to people born in the seventies.  How can they be old enough to go through menopause?  

Anyway, the book is about menopause but it's also about women and women's power, the treatment of women, murder, and friendship.  I've recommended it to Ms. Moon but I would highly recommend the book to everyone.  It's well written and made me think about my own power which I seem to have given up.  

I've felt old this past year.  It's been a horrible year but I'm not old or powerless and it was the kick in the ass I needed to get my own head out of my ass and reclaim my own power.

I don't know why men are so afraid of women and our power, or us having power.  I don't know why men think that women are disposable, expendable or replaceable.  Not all men, obviously, but it's more common than many would have us believe.  Even lovely men who love us don't understand what it's like to be treated differently because we are a woman.  I had one doc grab me and tell me that I must obey him because I am a woman.  Another doc put his hands on me and sexually assualted me at work, in the report room.  He lost his license and I testified twice against him.

The United States is a case in point right now.  The US has the highest maternal mortality rate in the developed world.  Look it up.  The supreme court in the US has decreed that abortion should be once again be illegal.  Who decided this?  Six men and three women.  Six people who don't have uteruses decided for an entire country what women should be able to do and not do with their uteruses.  Six men have decided that thousands of women are once again expendable, that their lives are forfeit because they may get pregnant and if an abortion is needed, they cannot have access to one.

So a country that doesn't provide universal health care, or a year of paid maternity leave, or affordable daycare or free childhood vaccinations or health care, has decided that what's needed is more unwanted children.  That will solve everything, all of society's problems.  WTF!

It's more complicated than that, but it's not really.  These six men and three woman have decided that what they believe is right.  Except fifty years ago that was not the case.  Are they both right?  Are they both wrong?  Is it any of their fucking business what women do with their bodies?  

If women can't have safe abortions there will be more back street abortions.  Unwanted pregnancies will not go away, not with wishing and not with this throwback of a law to the dark ages.  No contraception is 100% effective.  Women will die and children will suffer. 

So again I will ask the question, why are men so afraid of women and of us having autonomy over our own bodies?

Friday, June 24, 2022


Heidi at the dog park.

We've had a lot of rain and huge black clouds.  The rain came down so hard yesterday while we were on the highway that was hard to see and scary.  The black clouds match my mood.  I'm still tired and feeling down.  I'm going to take the dogs for a walk shortly and I'm hoping that will help lift my mood.

The big guy had his cataract surgery this morning and they gave him an ativan.  He's sleeping on the couch right now and I'm sure he'll stay there for most of the day.  All went well and he is the proud owner of a new lens.

Jack came back to us yesterday.  Poor guy was so tired but he slept well and went to daycare today, happy as a clam.  This weekend he'll get a chance to visit with his little brother and Miss Katie.  Hopefully that's a good thing.  Katie's kind of on his shit list right now because she laughed at him.  

My brother in law is coming again next week for a visit which will be nice.  A chance for the two brothers to visit their father together.  My father in law is doing well, now that his UTI has been successfully and correctly treated.  Time will tell but for now he's enjoying my homemade cheesecake with bumbleberry coulis.  

I'm still on holidays and will need to see the podiatrist before I go back to work.  My foot is starting to feel better which is nice.  This morning I didn't even use my cane when I got up out of bed.  Progress.

Tuesday, June 21, 2022

My lilacs are blooming and my tomatoes are starting to flower.  The sun is shining today and my girlfriend and I are meeting up to visit greenhouses and then she's staying for a BBQ.  I love that woman.  She is the sister I never had.

Me and the big guy on holidays seven years ago.  I love that guy.  He has cataract surgery this Friday so the eye drops started this morning.  

Not really much going on.  We're off for two weeks but staying home to catch up on life.  There are some projects around the house that need doing and I hope to take Miss Katie to Fort Edmonton.

Jack will be back with us on Thursday evening.  I always worry about him when he's with his mom.  Although we have permanent guardianship, we don't have day to day parenting of him, she does.  However, we do have the same rights as a parent and can intervene if she starts using or drinking again and we have proof of it.  She's starting to fall apart already and I know I should feel some empathy for her but I don't.  I just worry about Jack.  He's my priority.  

Friday, June 17, 2022

My apologies to everyone who has wondered where their posts have gone.  I only found my spam folder tonight and all comments have now been published.  Thanks to Yorkshire Pudding.

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

I'm so tired.  Last week while we were in Jasper, I had some adverse effects to the antibiotic I was taking for my endometritis.  I burned the hell out of my head and my hands felt very strange, prickly, cold and hot, and then started to swell a little.  So I threw out the pills and talked to the doctor yesterday who is sending me for another ultrasound and gave me a prescription for a new antibiotic.  One of the side effects of the new drug is insomnia.  Yay.

I went to bed at nine last night, read for an hour, tried to sleep, got up, read some stuff on the computer and went back to bed at midnight.  The last time I looked at the clock it said, 1:52.  My husband woke me up at 6am to drive him to work because I need the car today;  I have a massage, a physio appointment for my foot and then an ultrasound for my uterus.  

The book I was reading last night was called "The Dictionary Of Lost Words" and I would highly recommend it.  Part of the book is about the writing of Oxford English Dictionary but it's far more than that.  The book is about family, love, class, war, motherhood and sisterhood.  I cried so hard last night towards the end of the book and I couldn't stop crying.  I was reading about WW1 and the young men dying in the trenches and I thought, we have learned nothing!  More than a hundred years later and still people are killing each other in the name of war and all the stuff that's been eating at me for the past few months came up and I sobbed, unable to stop.

So this morning I'm tired and a little weepy still.  The weather is awful, rain, wind, clouds and it's turned cold again.  

The big guy is having a hard time too.  He's grieving his father's decline and inevitable death and he's angry as hell at his family and how they've treated him over the past thirty years.  Add to that his concern about Jack and he's feeling overwhelmed and overloaded as well.  I know this will pass but it's hard right now.  

We had a lovely week with Jack and my daughter and her boyfriend but then we came back to real life which still sucks.  I can see Gracie starting to slide backwards and wonder how long we have to let her slide before her family acknowledges it.  We keep a close eye on Jack but I imagine he grieves too, as a three year old, unable to rely on the woman who is supposed to be his safe place to fall.  Gracie is not a safe place, not for Jack and not even for herself.  This wears on my heart.  

I have the chance the reduce my hours to half of what I work now but I crunched the numbers and it's not possible right now, not without my pension.  So I'll wait until next year.  We will sell the rental house and the condo, pay off our mortgage and then I will work casual.  One more year.  

Update-I had a massage and came home and did some stretching that my body desperately needs and I'm feeling better.  Writing things out also helps get things out of my head, which also helps.  I'm okay, just spilling my guts to feel better.

Sunday, June 12, 2022

We all survived our trip to the mountains.  Jack had a good time but I think he was very happy to come home too.

Actually, I know he was happy to come home.  Every day he said, "We go home now".  He loved the mountains but he loves his own bed even better.  Me too.

This photo was taken on the Icefield Parkway, one of the most beautiful highways in the world.  Not sure of the names of these peaks but they're just south of the Columbia Icefield.

Jack enjoyed the snow at the Columbia Icefield.  He's standing on top of a picnic table.

We took him by sky tram up Whistlers Mountain.  There's still a lot of snow up there.

He also decided he needed to start taking photos at the tender age of three.  He actually took some good photos.  I was impressed.

On the way home we stopped at the sand dunes beside the Athabasca River to wade in the water.  The water is always warmer there and he had a great time.  He peed in the water which was the most exciting part I think.

My daughter and her boyfriend stayed with us, as well as Reggie, they're beautiful pup.  There are no photos of my daughter, at her request.  

Everybody is gone now and all that lingers is the covid exposure.  We'll be testing for the next few days.

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

We're staying at Patricia Lake Bungalows.  Elk wander around the place, eating and just hanging out.

Today we drove out to Medicine Lake and came across this lovely bear, casually eating dandelions.  Jack was sleeping in the car so we sat and watched the bear for probably half an hour.  I've never been near a bear for that long.  It was amazing.

We also saw a young grizzly bear yesterday, about ten feet from our car.  The poor thing is young and spending time close to town because he's a teenager and not very smart yet.  A couple of park wardens helped him out, kept the bear and the people all safe.

We met up with my daughter and her boyfriend here and are have a lovely visit with them.  Jack has a crush on his auntie.

But Jack, Jack has been awful.  He's a three year old out of his routine.  There have been tantrums over toys, bandaids, toilets, TV and bedtime.  He wanted me to buy him a $100 toy and had a meltdown over it.  I carried him crying out of the store.  Sippy cups and toy cars have been thrown at us from the back seat of the car and just generally a lot of crying. 

I had forgotten how unpleasant three year olds can be.  I know it's all part of his development but right now he is an unpleasant little person to be around for a good part of the day, and then he's his old self again.

I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow and back to our routine, back to his routine.   We've had lots of fresh air and exercise.  Jack's gotten to see lots of new things but he's also over stimulated and over tired.  We're all tired.  I'm glad we came but I'm glad we're going home and three days was long enough. 

Monday, June 6, 2022

Talbot Lake.  There was a fire here in 2003.  As long as I've been going to Jasper this area has been bare.  Only now can I can I see the pine coming back and they'll still be relatively small by the time I die.  Nature makes me understand how insignificant we are.

Saturday, June 4, 2022

I visited my daughter in law this evening to drop of a carseat, clothes and a stroller, all outgrown by Jack.  My daughter in law is also a grandmother now; her grandson is only seven months old and he's already been through hell.  The baby had three broken ribs and a broken collar bone.  He ended up in hosptial for almost three months because he also had covid, complications and four surgeries.  He was also born two months early and spent a month in NICU.  I wrote this poem for him.  His great grandmother now has guardianship of him and is caring for him.  He broke my heart.  

I met a little boy tonight

his daddy broke his ribs 

and mommy didn't tell

I met a little boy tonight 

tired of the hospital cribs

and tired of the hell

I met a little boy tonight

tired from his bath 

I held him tight

and rocked him close

as nanny warmed his milk

I met a little boy tonight

who's been through hell and back

he drank his milk

and closed his eyes

asleep in nanny's arms

Thursday, June 2, 2022

Very little going on here.  Family drama I suppose, not my family, my husband's and I won't go into it but it is causing him a lot of stress.  My father in law has rallied again thankfully.  He's a tough old man.  

The sun is shining and my plants are coming along.  I have one more container to plant and then that's pretty much it.  The only reason I haven't planted it yet is because I need soil and I just haven't had time to get some.

My foot continues to bother me and I'm still stuck at a desk.  I'm going to physio now as well and I'm tired of limping and having pain in my foot.  For some reason my arthritis is acting up today and all of my joints are very unhappy now too.  Sigh.  

Miss Katie is getting out and about again now that the pandemic restrictions have been lifted and her staff take her out regularly again.  Jack and her are not buddies anymore now though.  Jack was not a fan of her calling him a baby and got mad at her.  Last Sunday she laughed at him for some reason and that offended him as well.  He told her she was not funny.  Of course Katie laughed.

Next week the we visit the mountains with Jack.  I'm looking forward to it.  I can't remember the last time we stayed in Jasper; it's been awhile.  We'll meet my daughter and her boyfriend there for a few days and then they're coming back to Edmonton with us for a couple of days.

Aside from work, Jack, Katie and driving back and forth to Wetaskiwin a few times a week, nothing much is going on:)