Wednesday, September 30, 2015

MOREOVER by Jack Gilbert

We are given the trees so we can know
what God looks like. And rivers
so we might understand Him. We are allowed
women so we can get into bed with the Lord,
however partial and momentary that is.
The passion, and then we are single again
while the dark goes on. He lived
in the Massachusetts woods for two years.
Went out naked among the summer pines
at midnight when the moon would allow it.
He watched the aspens when the afternoon breeze
was at them. And listened to rain
on the butternut tree near his window.
But when he finally left, they did not care.
The difficult garden he was midwife to
was indifferent. The eight wild birds
he fed through both winters, when the snow
was starving them, forgot him immediately.
And the three women he ate of and entered
utterly then and before, who were his New World
as immensity and landfall, are now only friends
or dead. What we are given is taken away,
but we manage to keep it secretly.
We lose everything, but make harvest
of the consequence it was to us. Memory
builds this kingdom from the fragments
and approximation. We are gleaners who fill
the barn for the winter that comes on.

Thank you to Erin for sharing this lovely poem with me.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

We had a lovely weekend in Jasper with my cousin and her husband.  On the drive to Jasper though I had a huge meltdown beside the Pembina river.  The big guy gave me my birthday gift early and I'll probably never use it so I asked him if he would mind if I returned it.  He got huffy and then I got mad and started crying.  It went downhill from there. 
I don't like receiving gifts.  I am often disappointed which sounds so awful and self centered.  I remember being a kid at Christmas time and I often felt disappointed on Christmas morning.  Except for one year.  Our dog was sick that year and needed an operation.  My parents told us that we wouldn't be getting gifts because they couldn't afford the operation and Christmas gifts.  I was ok with that.  And then on Christmas morning there was a brand new Easy Bake Oven under the tree for me.  It was the best gift ever.  Not only because it was what I wanted but because it was such a surprise.  I expected nothing. 
And that's where my disappointment comes in, right behind my expectations.  Except there's more and I can feel it just outside of my consciousness but can't quite grasp it.  I don't like telling people what to get me or what I want because that feels fake and uncomfortable.  And to be honest I pretty much have all that I want already.  Expectations always bite me in the ass.  The gap between how I want the world to be and how the world really is. 
The big guy let me have a good cry and then told me that I was a wonderful person.  I didn't feel that way.  I've pretty much always felt like the difficult, prickly, hard to get along with person.  Turns out we had a lovely weekend.  It was probably the nicest holiday I've had a long time.  I had a chance to get to know my cousin much better and really get to know her husband who happens to be a very down to earth, warm, funny, kind man. 
The strange thing is, I love giving gifts.  So why am I such an ungrateful gift recipient?

Thursday, September 17, 2015

We're off to the mountains again today to meet up with my cousin and her husband.  The renos are almost done as the big guy's daughter and her family move in a week and a half.  No stress whatsoever.

Yesterday I had a patient two years younger than my son.  This young man is dying.  His skin is yellow, his liver is shutting down and he is so thin.  His poor father is watching this, unable to accept that he will have to bury his son who is forty-two years younger than him.  Who would be able to accept this?  It broke my heart.  The radiologist had to wipe away her tears and gather herself before she could go back out of the room to talk to him.

I've been so tired this week.  I'm very thankful for a few extra days off. 

Things I'm thankful for today.

My children are healthy, even Miss Katie.
Miss Katie is well cared for and even loved by her caregivers.
Stones on a beach, stacked up by someone else, left for others to come across.
The big guy figured out what was bugging him.
My birthday this weekend.  Although getting older is difficult because of the losses that accompany aging, it is a gift that not everyone is given. 
A glass of iced tea and a few moments to sit and write.
My children coming for Thanksgiving dinner in a few weeks.

What are you thankful for today?

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Things I'm thankful for today.

This little bean.  She's so sweet.  She prefers tools over toys.
Rain.  We need it.
Renovations are coming to an end thank goodness.
My birthday in two weeks.  I'll be fifty-three.  I'm thankful I am able to get older.  I buried two friends this year who will never hit fifty-three.
My son called me and talked to me.  He was mad at me in July because I called him on his lying and he wouldn't talk to me. 
Taking Miss Katie out for lunch today.
I sold a photo!  Not the first one I've sold but this one is printed on canvas. 
The big guy and I are going to print up a calendar as well for sale.
My mortgage will be paid off in two weeks.  My ex husband convinced me that I was bad with money.  So there!
A long weekend to cook.  I'm making tuna noodle casserole for Katie right now which reminds, time to go.

What are you thankful for today?

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

I'm tired.  Tired of bullshit at work.  It's stressful in the long run.  This day to day bullshit that seeps into everything, makes everything stink.  We have managers that can't manage, not even a little.  I asked to work one less day every two weeks and was refused so that's going to the union which is not something I've ever done before but I'm tired.

I want more balance in my life.  When Katie lived at home it was her care all the time.  It consumed my life.  And now my life is being consumed by work and I don't want that.  I turn fifty-three in less than three weeks and I'm tired.  My knees hurt when I climb stairs.  My feet hurt when I stand up.  I keep gaining weight because I'm too damn tired to exercise. 

Everyday I care for people who have had the rug pulled out from under them.  People my age.  People much younger than me and people much older than me.  People who had to retire.  People who were set to retire.  What's the point of continuing to work at something that makes me so tired for money that I may or may not live long enough to need or enjoy? 

I have a beautiful little granddaughter whom I want to spend more time with.  I want to help out my stepdaughter with childcare.  I want to garden again.  I want a dog and I want to walk a dog. 

I want to get off this treadmill because it's not fun anymore.  I love my patients but I work in a toxic work environment.  We are asked to do more every month but without more resources.  We now have to recover patients in a room which is used for storage.  There are no curtains in the room that holds up to two stretchers so no privacy.  Last time I recovered two patients there were seven of us all together in the room.  Me, patients and family.  The patients are wonderful about it but I am appalled that this is considered acceptable. 

I work with a nurse who to be honest couldn't tell the difference between a real problem and an imaginary problem.  She spends an enormous amount of time making mountains out of molehills and it wears me out.  She doesn't pay attention to anything.  I can't imagine how she manages to drive to work everyday without incident.  She is oblivious.  And if I say anything to management, I am "bringing the whole department down with my negativity". 

I'm tired.  It will pass but tonight I am so damned tired of bullshit I could scream.  The writing it out helps.  The screaming would probably just upset my neighbors anyway.