Monday, February 28, 2022

I'm stuck at home again with feet too painful to stand on all day at work.  I can manage the plantar fasciitis when I'm at home with stretches, anti-inflammatories and ice but when I go to work the pain just increases.  I went to work this morning and was limping around;  then I took a patient upstairs and at one point it felt like a nail was pushing into my left heel and that pain didn't go away.

So I came home and I'm sitting on my ass with my foot on ice.  I made an appointment for physio tomorrow morning and I'm hoping they'll be able to reduce the pain.  Because I'm limping, my left ankle and right toes are increasinly painful too.  Sigh.  

On the weekend we missed Jack's swimming lesson because he fell asleep before the lesson, so I took him for a very slow walk at the dog park.  We took Heidi and wandered through the woods with Jack saying the whole time, "Dis way.  Dat way".  I walked like an old lady and we both got to enjoy the trees, the fresh air and the sunshine.  It was a lovely day, no mittens required.

Last night my daughter in law came over for supper with her daughter and my grandson, whom I had not yet me.  My son remains in jail which is safer for everyone.  So this woman is not Gracie, but another woman whom my son married and got pregnant.  She's been through a lot these past two years with my son and is traumatized.  Her daughter is nine and is a sweet girl.  I didn't want to meet my grandson because I didn't want to get invovled with my son again but he's out of the picture now.  That sounds awful but he is either a sociopath, or brain damaged from drugs, or mentally ill, or all of the above.  I don't want contact with him to protect myself.  But his wife and stepdaughter and son do need help.   

So this little guy, I'll call him Charlie, is now a part of our lives.  I joked at work this morning that I can start an orphanage just with my son's children.  Charlie lives with his mom and she's doing better than Gracie.  She's not an alcoholic, has a job and can drive.  I guess we'll see what happens in the future.

Last light I felt myself holding back with Charlie, the big guy didn't hold back, but I could feel myself holding back.  Fear, I'm guessing.  Fear of attachment, fear of watching another child get hurt.  Fear of raising another child.  When I think of all the joy that Jack has given us, I need to let go of these fears.  

Friday, February 25, 2022

I can hear a chickadee outside, chirping away.  The other morning I heard a chickadee mating call.  Spring must be coming.  The sun is shining through the windows and the cat had curled up on the counter for awhile until the sun moved.  I filled up my car with gas after I dropped the big guy off at work.  Life seems so normal, except it's not anymore.

Last night we watched the news until bedtime.  Yesterday morning while I was driving to the hardware store I listened to my Prime Minister talk about the Russian invasion of Ukraine and I was reminded of the Polish Invasion by the Germans.  My mum told me she had been on a boat with friends and the holiday was cut short.  When she got home her mum had already made and hung black out curtains for their house.  My mum was fourteen years old.

Today there are children in Kyiv, mothers, fathers, sisters, uncles, grandparents, all terrified of what will come.  Ukraine wanted to join NATO, Russia didn't want Ukraine to join Russia and now NATO won't help Ukraine because it's not part of NATO.  It is a catch 22.  

I understand that NATO countries are reluctant to escalate the situation.  I understand that we're talking about a pyschopath with access to nuclear weapons.  I understand the gravity of it all but if we stand by and watch this unfold, what does that make us?  Complicit?  

This is happening.

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

Lucy is getting old quickly.  She had a hard life before she came to us and now she has congestive heart failure (CHF).  I've taken care of many humans with CHF but never a dog.  She coughs a lot and she sleeps more than she used to.  She still enjoys her walks but sometimes she doesn't want to eat.  I guess we'll just wait and see what happens.  She is on medication for it but that doesn't fix anything, just makes it bearable.

I'm off for  most of this week, only have to work tomorrow and that's it, still burning holidays which is fine with me.  It gives my feet a rest.

I'm going to go visit my friend this afternoon, the one whose husband died suddenly at the end of January.  She has cancer so doesn't go out much and we haven't seen each other in quite awhile.  We talk on the phone but it's not the same.  I want to hug her.  I made some cinnamon buns to take to her;  she's not a baker or a cook.

I don't really feel like doing much today.  Russia seems to be on the brink of invading Ukraine, because why?  Some guy?  Why is one guy allowed to make decisions that affect so many people?  It's not so different in Alberta.  There's a guy here who apparently doesn't like science much and is hell bent on catering to the 10% of the population that like him.  He changes his mind more often that I change my underwear, whatever is politically expedient.  He doesn't respond to letters.  He does as he pleases it seems, although, I'm sure he would argue that and say that there is so much more right wing bullshit that he would like to implement but can't because he wants normal people to vote for him as well.  

I'm in a mood obviously:)

Thursday, February 17, 2022

Life continues on.  It's still winter.  I'm still taking care of living and dying people.  There's been so much suffering already this year and I'm trying to make sense of it, trying to accept it, trying to grow flowers in the heap of shit that is life.  I'm not sad, not angry, but some days it feels like I'm just going through the motions.  Both of my parents died in February.  Winter is long here in Alberta and by February I'm usually tired of it, and this winter was particularly difficult both weather wise and family wise.  It's just winter.

Jack is still staying with us three days a week.  He's a little different every time he comes back to us.  Last night he didn't want to sleep in his own bed, he wanted to sleep in Nana's bed.  He's having terrible temper tantrums about things.  He has a diaper rash, but mostly he's just happy to be home.  He threw himself into poppa's arms when he got home last night and then he checked his toys.  When he went to bed, in my bed, it was too dark.  His other grandma sleeps with the TV on.  I don't have a TV in my room and I like to sleep in the dark.  He fell asleep just fine and when I went to bed, I moved him to his own bed.  As I carried him I wondered how long parents have been carrying sleeping children to beds.  Hundreds of years?  Thousands?  

This morning he couldn't find his favorite blue car so there was much crying and much sadness.  Nana found it and then the world was once again right.  He has another cold with a runny nose and a cough.  He coughed so hard this morning that he vomited.  Lucy, the beagle, was kind enough to clean up that mess.

I have some rapid tests so I thought I would check Jack for covid before he went to daycare.  I stuck a swab up his nose which he protested very loudly and then asked me to do it again.  He was negative but I'm guessing the big guy and I will have another cold very soon.

I want to retire this fall but if I do that I have to use all my vacation days before then and those vacation days have to be allocated before the end of this month.  We don't know if we'll have Jack full time again this summer and if we do, what will holidays looks like?  Where can we go with him for a vacation that isn't too far of a drive?  Would Lori take him for two weeks so that we could have a vacation?  What would that look like with daycare in Sherwood Park and her living in Edmonton?  Lots of questions.

I have to get off my feet.  Once again my bone spurs are acting up and they are so painful that I'm limping.  I'm taking anti-inflammatories but they bother my stomach so I take a pill for my stomach which messes with my depression.  OMG I'm an old woman!

As usual I want answers when I already have the answer, wait.  Sigh.  I want different answers:)

Sunday, February 13, 2022

I took the dogs for a walk this afternoon.  The weather was warm and sunny but the ice was everywhere.  I'm very thankful for my ice cleats but man they're noisy.

The big guy and the little guy having a pillow fight, or the little guy's version of a pillow fight.  Just pile the pillows on top of poppa and then join poppa.

Miss Katie went out yesterday with one of her caregivers and they watched the swimmers.  She looks so grown up and happy.

I was trying to distract her with snap chat and she was having none of it.

In the news there are blockades at border crossings because some value personal freedoms more than the flip side of the coin, responisibilites.  We all live together.  We all need to take care of each other because none of us can do this on our own.

Sunday, February 6, 2022

The drama continues, as it always will in Gracie's life I imagine.  Jack is safe and loved but also confused I think.  I think he's developing trust issues as well or maybe that's just part of growing up, learning that the adults around you are not always worthy of your trust.  

Gracie was supposed to have moved out of our house last weekend but hasn't moved anything yet.  We have a new renter, a friend of Gracie's, who is a lovely, clean, hard working young woman.  Gracie has just left all her shit at the house and is "too stressed" to move it.  She left behind a helluva mess which will cost thousands of dollars to fix.  

She also didn't bother to attend the last meeting with the social worker, because she "forgot", even though the social worker had only talked to her that morning.

I'm going to talk to Lori, Gracie's mom.  We need a plan B when everything goes off the rails in April.  Lori goes back to work in April and Gracie's sister is going back to BC in April.  Gracie won't have anyone to supervise her visits anymore.  Children's Services is now out of the picture because Jack has two grandmas as guardians.  It's up to us and Gracie now, and Gracie can't cope.  She has no job, her EI runs out soon, she has no daycare and no money to pay for it, and she's started using weed again because she's anxious.  Her life is just one continuous loop.

My plan is to make sure we have daycare in place, which means us paying for it, and then continuing to care for Jack, along with Lori.  Because Lori and I are guardians now, we can take Jack home with us if we feel he is unsafe or uncared for.  We have the legal right.  We can also call for welfare checks to make sure he and Gracie are ok if Gracie doesn't answer the door or the phone.

Not last week but the week before, I got some news from my daughter that felt like a punch to the gut and which I won't share here because it's her story. I know she values her privacy, or at least I know now that she values her privacy.  I grew up in a family where there was no privacy or boundaries so I'm not very good at privacy and boundaries but I'm trying.

I'm better now but the news dragged me under for a bit.  I couldn't stop crying.  And then this past week, my best friend called me, her husband had died in his sleep on Monday night.  He was only sixty-six.  My friend has cancer, her husband was healthy, or so we all thought.  It felt like a one two punch from the universe and I cried hard.

And then on Wednesday Jack came back to us, along with us sunshine. Yesterday we took Jack to his swimming lesson.  I go in the pool with him and we have fun in the water.  We play.  I forget about play sometimes which is why grandchildren are such a good idea, they remind us to play.

And this is how I feel somedays.  Adulting is hard:)