Monday, June 29, 2020

Just something pretty to make me smile. 

Poor Lucy's back is so painful.  She's on anti-inflammatories but they only work so so.  She has spinal spondylosis or bone spurs;  it hurts and she doesn't understand why.

Miss Katie is doing well but is bored and tired of this bloody pandemic.   I took her out by myself on Sunday as the big guy's back is sore and she enjoyed her time out.  We sat and watched three people horseback riding at an outdoor arena down by the river.   Then we went to Walmart to pick up a few things that she needed.  She wouldn't leave her mask on and she knocked on the plexiglass divider between us and the cashier, unsure of what it was there for.  We're having a small party for her on Saturday to celebrate her birthday which she's looking forward to.

We were short again at work which made it a long day.  I'm tired of wearing a mask all day at work and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.  I know it could be worse but I am tired of it. 

A quintessential Alberta photo I think.  While we were away a storm came up and we had a chance to take photos of it. 

I need to be in bed.  Stay safe.

Saturday, June 27, 2020

The picture above is of the Frenchman River in Grasslands National Park;  a park far more beautiful than my photos can convey.  It's wild there, what the prairies used to look like before Europeans arrived.  A place full of sage and grasses and gophers. 

There were also bison.  I didn't know that North American doesn't have any buffalo, they are bison. 

We had a lovely trip and saw parts of the country I'd never seen before.  I learned how to remove ticks from the dogs and one from myself.  I also learned that rattlesnakes in Alberta don't have enough venom to kill a human being, just make you feel like crap.  I also learned that they're shy creatures and prefer to not deal with humans.  I feel the same sometimes.  I also learned that Heidi is much faster than I thought;  she grabbed and killed a gopher while we walked and she was on her leash.  She dropped the gopher and I had to wash the blood off her paws.

I had a wobble while on holidays and couldn't stop crying at one point.  The culprits, my brain that can't let go of things and acid reflux meds, again.  I had to start taking them again because when my arthritis flared up in my foot I had to take anti-inflammatories which led to heartburn which led to the acid reflux meds. 

And my brain, it still struggles with leaving things alone.  It tends to go round and round and then down a gopher hole, even on holidays.

It's lovely to be back home.  The garden is damp and green, the laundry is done and our grandson is coming over this afternoon for awhile. 

Friday, June 19, 2020

I worked late shift this week which means I had time to go for a nice long walk before work.  The dandelions were letting their seeds go.  I know they're a weed but they feed the bees first thing in the spring, produce such beautiful yellow flowers and then these seed heads.  I admire them.  They're resilient and dependable. 

My grandson helped me with watering last weekend.  He likes the rain barrel and the watering can but most of all he loves the water. 

  Phlox, I think, growing in a back alley.

We can see Miss Katie again which is wonderful.  She will even wear a mask when we're out.  Will wonders never cease.  I am always surprised when she copes with things I didn't think she'd be able to cope with.  I don't give her enough credit obviously. 

Another photo from my walks before work.  My clinic is close to the river so I am able to walk there when I have enough time.  The river valley is so beautiful, my favorite part of Edmonton.

The wild roses are all in bloom, unselfishly sharing their scent with the world.

A week of late shifts also means not much time for reading blogs, that and the garden.  The poor dogs didn't even get walks this week.

Tomorrow morning we're heading out of town for a week.  We're visiting Grasslands National Park, Cypress Hills Park and Waterton Park.  Fresh air, walks, dogs and beautiful scenery, enough to soothe my poor overloaded brain.  Right now I have nothing much left to give anybody.

My son has a new girlfriend who believes in him and thinks she can fix him.  She has two children and my son has a home again.  He likes to move in with women, easier than paying his own way.  He does have a job which is good and this girlfriend is communicating with me instead of my son which is good, the text messages actually make sense and don't come in the middle of the night.  I hope she can fix him but I worry about what happens when she finds out about all his lies and addictions.  I still hope though.  He's started paying child support, well once and half of what he should pay.  Time will tell. 

I'm stocking up the car with masks and hand sanitizer and most of our time will be outdoors, away from people, heaven really.  I can feel my shoulders relaxing.

Stay safe my friends.

Saturday, June 13, 2020

Another busy week at work, it doesn't seems to end.  My grandson started daycare last week and he's doing well.  It's good for him to have the stability, routine and socialization that daycare will bring him.  His mother continues to cause herself inordinate amounts of drama which I try to stay out of and I'm getting better at this.

Life is opening up here, more cars on the road and more people out and about.  I don't really like it and I have become quite people averse.  We wear masks all day at work so no smiles.  I imagine we will be wearing masks at work until a vaccine is available.  Oh joy.

My arthritis acted up this last week which makes me feel old and well just old.  It was my big toe joint which doesn't seem like a big deal except wow, can that ever cause a lot of pain.  It felt like someone was hammering a nail into my toe all night long.  I took anti-inflammatories, ice and rest and it's much better now.

There is a small house wren who has taken up residence in our back yard.  We have a couple of birdhouses and he has moved into one.  He spends all day singing his song, trying to lure a lady in I'm guessing.

The dogs are wellish.  Poor Lucy still has a sore back but she's slowly improving as you can see.  She was using Heidi as a stepstool to help her see out the car window.

I have been trying to not read the news, very unsuccessfully.  Between the racism and the ignorance and the hatred I feel heartsick.  It feels like the world is careening into oncoming traffic and a crash is inevitable.  tRump is despicable but that's not new, although the depths to which he will sink are breathtaking.  Images of police officers dressed in riot gear beating people, people looting, setting fires, hating on each other, it's too much.  I also worry about so many people gathered together right now in the midst of a pandemic.  I guess time will tell how bad it will be.

Today we have our grandson.  He was up early and has already had pancakes and is down for a nap again.  My god he's a sweet, good natured little boy.  Not sure where he came from, a fairy perhaps but he does my heart good.

Sunday, June 7, 2020

The week got much better yesterday with the addition of an empty box and our grandson. 

It's raining here, a lot, but that's okay.  Everything is turning green.

When it did stop raining yesterday for awhile, Heidi and I headed out for a nice, long walk.  I even found new paths I'd never been on before.  The birds were all singing and people had left painted rocks all along the paths.  It's was good for me.

Thursday, June 4, 2020

I'm feeling heartsick this week.  Last week was difficult and this week was worse.  I am fortunate to live someplace peaceful, to have a job that supports me, to have a husband who loves me, to have enough money in the bank to not worry, to not live in fear that I will be apprehended and beaten or killed by the police, to feel safe.

The world has turned upside down these past five months and I'm having a hard time coping with one thing on top of another.  There is so much fear and anger and violence in the world and I want to duck my head and hide inside myself.  I feel powerless and hopeless.

I go to work and I help people.  Yesterday I talked a patient through a procedure that terrified her.  We got the procedure done;  her treatment will be easier now.  I did something good and it seems like not even a drop in the bucket compared to all the anger and fear in the world right now.

The big guy pointed out to me that I don't have control over the world just over myself.  True.

I'm not stupid or uneducated and yet I am continually shocked by the amount of hatred in the world, even though I feel hatred towards others at times.  So I am shocked that there are others, just like me, who are scared and angry.  What differs I guess, is what we're afraid of.

I try so hard to be a good person, to be compassionate, to be kind and still I get angry and anger feels like the antithesis of compassion but I suppose it's not really.  Anger may be the antithesis of compassion but perhaps it's what you feel anger about that decides if it is truly the antithesis.

At work I get angry when people treat patients poorly, when they make patients who are dying of cancer wait.  I get angry at work when I watch a certain doctor treat people like shit.  When he is rude and condescending and unpredictable.  I get angry with my children when they lie to me, when they freeze me out because I am not who they want me to be.  I get angry with tRump when I watch him
lie and shit on people, when his incompetence gets people hurt and killed.

I can take criticism, I don't like it but I can listen.  I do judge people and I do hold a grudge over time but I am also willing to change my mind and apologize as well.  I do dwell on the bad things in my life and I have been battling this for twenty or more years.  I recognize it though and I try.  I am impulsive which combined with my thin skin and fear of rejection gets me into a lot of trouble.  And my anger, sometimes is justified and sometimes is just fear.

I'm human, neither good or bad, just human.  But aren't we all?  And that's where I get into trouble.  I see people do terrible things and I know I have done terrible, hurtful things.  I see people struggle with their worst selves and I do the same.  I have a hard time separating myself from others and yet I feel so separate and alone from others.

So yes, it's been an awful week watching people do horrible things and kind things to each other.  It's so confusing.  It feels like some part of me is still a child trying to figure out why my parents are fighting and why my mum is crying and me just feeling scared and alone.

So I garden and I plant flowers and I pull weeds and I try to stop feeling so much and I try to remember to breathe.