I was talking to my manager on Monday and she said something about me being an extrovert and I corrected her and said that I am indeed an introvert, but she only sees me at work.  At work, with my patients, I am outgoing and funny.  I joke a lot with my patients but I also have compassion for my patients and I try to meet them where they are on their journey.  I talk to all my patients, try hard to remember their names, I want them to have a good experience in our department.  In real life I am quiet, have a hard time making small talk and tend to keep to myself.  I refill my cup when I'm alone.  I like to walk alone.  I bake alone.  I sew alone.  I  need that time alone to recharge my batteries.

When I was a kid I was painfully shy.  I don't think I'm shy anymore but I still like my alone time and when I thought about that this week I realized part of the reason I feel so drained at the end of the day is me being extroverted at work.  I'm not about to change that because my patients matter but for me understanding how much extroversion takes out of me is a good start.  

Gracie came over the night to pick up the little guy and told us that she has been sober for ten days which is wonderful and I told her that.  I hope it sticks.  Our grandson needs a least one parent who is present.  My son also tells me that he has been sober for ten weeks.  I hope his sobriety sticks as well but I'm not holding my breath for either one of them.  

The little guy has us and the ladies at daycare and between all of us, we provide a lot of predictability for him which little people need.  I don't know what the future holds for any of us but right now it's good enough.

Poems by Mary Oliver, a much wiser woman than myself.  

Last week I told a youngish man that he had cancer, that his colonoscopy had shown cancer and that they had sent him upstairs to us for a CT to see if and how much it had spread.  But the doctor didn't tell him that.  I told him what was on the requisition, because he asked and if it was me, I would want to know and it broke my heart.  But we were busy and I had so many more patients to deal with so I left him with a warm blanket and a broken heart and the memory of being told he had cancer in a busy waiting room without his wife to hold his hand.  To live in this world is to have your heart broken over and over again.

On Tuesday I joked with a patient before we put a central line in him for his treatment.  The radiologist literally glared at me and I felt afraid like when I was a small child.  This doc is a bully who has been left unchecked for years.  After the procedure I asked the patient if I had offended him by my joke and he told me no, that he had appreciated the humor.  

I continue to find humans confusing and difficult to deal with.  I asked a young friend of mine at work the other day why do I only have toxic people in my life.  And then I said, "But you're in my life and you're not toxic."  There are really only three toxic people in my life, my son, Gracie and one doctor but they take up a lot of room in my brain.  So again, a reminder of all the good people in my life.

I asked my young friend if she would take care of me when I was an old woman and she said, "You already are an old woman!"  and laughed.  But she did agree to care for me when I'm eighty.  She is one of my adopted daughters and it is her daughter that I'm making a quilt for right now.

We're picking our grandson up from daycare today and keeping him until Sunday.  Gracie seems to have gotten over her paranoia.  We haven't seem him since last Saturday which was actually a nice break, even though we miss him.

I picked up an old chest of drawers for his room and I'm in the process of painting it with chalk paint.  I'm painting it a lovely gray.  His crib will be put away for good this weekend as he doesn't stay in it at all.  He is a ninja now.  He's figured out how to push chairs around so that he can climb up on them and reach a whole new level of previously off limits things such as light switches and remote controls.

The weather is warming here finally after two weeks and I'll be able to take the dogs for a walk today which I'm looking forward too.  The sun is shining and there are birds at the feeders outside the window.

I'm thankful for

hugs

friends

sunshine

walks

dog love

grandson love

my patients who remind daily what's really important in life

my hubby who loves me as I am

a day off today

and quilting, the fabric at the bottom of the photo will be the backing of this quilting, moons and stars

What are you thankful for today?

Very little has changed around here.  I finished my grandson's quilt just in time.  He won't stay in his crib anymore.  He's a freaking ninja.  It's been a tough week here for us and him, trying to get him to sleep.  I know it will pass but I don't do well without a good sleep.  

I've started a new quilt for the daughter of a friend of mine.  Celina will be six in June and she loves blue.  I wanted to do a wave quilt but it was too complicated so I'm making this one instead.  Lots of cutting and sewing and pressing but I enjoy it and get to listen to CBC while I work.  

I'm still eating a soft diet, waiting for my TMJ to heal.  I've started baking this, amish baked oatmeal.  I keep adding spices and it's quite tasty with no chewing required.  

Life continues on.  Work is work.  I'm minding my own business and staying calmer.  When the one coworker who always pushes my buttons starts doing irritating shit, I walk away and stay out of it.  Much less stressful for me but all of us right now are feeling stressed with the pandemic nearing it's year mark.  

We've been in and out of lockdown a couple of times now and it doesn't seem to make any difference to our lives.  We still go to work, still need groceries and still don't really go out.  We're not overly sociable, two introverts, so staying home isn't all that difficult.  

Gracie had to leave her job at the shelter because she was being targeted by gang members who were trying to take over the shelter, running drugs and recruiting prostitutes.  She reported them, called the police and they started following her when she left work.  She's back to work at the transition house which is safer but less work.

I'm trying to take care of myself, breathing through my nose, paying attention to my breathe, it actually helps.  Trying to sleep better.  Trying to eat better.  I still wobble a little but only a little which feels pretty good.  We're in the middle of a pandemic and I feel okay.  That's a huge win for me.  I'm coping.