Friday, August 30, 2019

Life continues on.  My grandson has two teeth now.  We have to talk to Gracie about her drinking because she's drinking a lot.  I have so much fear and loathing around alcoholism.  It has been in my life forever it seems.  One alcoholic after another.

My grandmother was an alcoholic.  I never met her, she died before I was born but I can see now the damage she did to my father.  He was an angry, controlling man.  He wasn't a bad man, he was a very fearful man.  I can see that now.  When I was younger I only knew fear around him.  Until he died at the age of seventy-nine I was afraid of him.  He never laid a hand on me and after he died, my mum told me that I was his favorite, something that I did not pick up on in all the time I knew him.  I wish I could have talked to him as an adult.  We never had conversations.  He dictated.  He yelled.  He controlled.  He did not converse.

The next alcoholic was my brother in law.  He moved in when I was twelve.  My sister had left him and flown across the country to stay with us while she decided what to do.  About six months later my brother in law showed up.  I cared for my sister's children when her husband was too drunk to take care of them himself.  He never did stop drinking and died when he was the age I am now.

It goes on and on.  A lot of pain around alcohol.  A lot of bad memories so it's very difficult to remain objective.  I don't want my grandson hurt by a drunk mother and father and yet he will be and there is not much I can do to prevent that.  There will come a day in the not to distant future when Gracie will be drunk and yelling at my grandson.  He will not understand that this is about her and not about him.  He will think there is something wrong with him.  Her drinking will plant a seed of doubt and fear in him that will remain with him forever.  It will change him.

I'm trying to live day to day.  It's hard but I am trying.  I know I have no control over the future, or even today for that matter.  It's like letting go and falling.  It's terrifying.

My daughter is still angry with me, or herself.  Who knows?  My greatest fear has always been rejection and I realize now that I will survive even rejection by those I love.  I don't have to turn myself into a pretzel to be what others want/expect me to be.  I can be my own imperfect self.  Not everyone will like that.  But I will live.  And I continue to love.  I will cry and I will still see beauty in the world because there is so much love and beauty around me if I only take the time to see it.

Saturday, August 24, 2019

The sun is shining this morning.  I just saw a woodpecker at the suet feeder.  Our grandson is coming over this afternoon for a few hours and we have friends coming for supper.

It's the big guy's birthday today.

I'm thankful for the sun and the birds and the big guy.
I'm thankful I'm not obsessing about the future and what will or will not happen.
I'm thankful I'm just enjoying today.

What are you thankful for today?

Thursday, August 22, 2019

One of the waterfalls we saw on our to Vancouver.  I do love waterfalls.  They're right up there with trees in my estimation.

Life continues on.  I'm doing a good job of not being impulsive and doing stupid things that I will regret in the future.  I'm starting to understand and believe that most things are outside of my control.  I started taking CBD oil at night a couple of days ago and I'm sleeping much better and my knee hurts less.

Fall is starting around here.  Already leaves are starting to change color.  The shadows are getting longer and the days are getting noticeable shorter.  My garden looks worse for the wear.  Flowers are making their last ditch effort to reproduce.  My tomatoes are looking scraggly and the bottom leaves are turning brown and curling up.  Slugs and scarlet lily beetles are taking their toll on some of my plants.  It will be time to put the whole thing to bed soon and let it rest for the winter.

We took our grandson down to Red Deer on Sunday to visit his great grandma.  She has dementia but she was so happy to see him.  She still lives in her own home, supported by her children.  She asked us the same questions again and again and we kindly answered them again and again.  She has always been kind to me even though I broke up with her son thirty-four years ago.

The little guy was not a happy camper on Sunday and on Monday a tooth finally busted through his gums so at least we know why he was so cranky.

Drama continues to swirl around him and so far he remains oblivious to it which I am thankful for.  I am even more thankful that I am stepping back from the drama and not letting it affect me so much.  

I have buns baking in the oven and I will take the dog for a nice long walk this morning before I pick up Miss Katie for her doctor appointment and maybe lunch.  Gracie and the little guy are coming over for supper.  And I'm learning.  Learning to wait.  Learning to listen.  Learning to stand back.

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

A photo I took while at Shannon Falls north of Vancouver.  It's for the ceiling in the CT room, something for patients to look at while getting their CT scans.

I came across this website through a friend on Facebook, thanks John.

The School of Life and The Book of Life

I've found it to be a good site for me this week.  I'm struggling with an overwhelming desire to throttle someone and protect someone else.  I did not have good models while growing up with regards to dealing with stress, anger, conflict, etc.  My father shouted and stormed out of the house and my mother cried and manipulated.  Needless to say I learned both of these methods of dealing with problems.  I'm not blaming my parents, just stating facts.

My own children didn't learn how to deal with problems very well either.  I was depressed and angry and my ex-husband was a depressed alcoholic.  Poor buggers.

I am learning now and I hope that my own children continue to learn and grow as they mature.  I have always tried my best and still I fail at dealing with conflict in a constructive manner.  My fear of rejection is so overwhelming that it feels hard to breath at times when someone I love is angry with me.  It is physically painful.  I lash out like an angry cat and then curl into a ball to protect myself.  For fifty-seven fucking years.  I suppose there is hope for me in that I don't want to keep doing this and want to do better.  It's just so damned scary and painful.

I hate feeling vulnerable, like every other human being on the planet I imagine.  It's also so much easier to write things down than to speak them out loud.  I can cry and type at the same time:)

So today I am thankful the sun is shining.
That I got to kiss my grandson goodbye before they left for Grande Prairie.
That I'm off work today.
That I have time to relax.
That there is sourdough bread in this world.
That I can still learn.

Saturday, August 10, 2019

The big guy and I drove out to Vancouver to visit my middle daughter this past week.  I made a mistake and she was pissed with me.  I apologized and fixed the mistake.  I was truly sorry and what I did I did because I'm a mama bear.  I forget that she is an adult.  I told her that she didn't need to spend time with us unless she wanted to and I would understand.  She chose to spend time with us and then moped and was generally pissy for the two days that we spent with her.

There are so many things I want to say to her but I don't for fear of making things worse.

I'm not perfect.
I will fuck up.
I will own my mistakes.
I love you.

My middle daughter is a prickly young woman who thinks she knows everything, much like I was when I was young.  She is easily offended and very critical, again, much like me when I was young.  But I'm tired of being a disappointment to those I love.  I was a disappointment to her father as well and that probably carries some weight as well.  But I am tired of being criticized by a young, self centered woman because we have different goals in life.  

I don't know.  Maybe she thinks moms don't have feelings.  Maybe she thinks because I love her I will put up with it, because I always have.  But I'm done.  

I'm an imperfect human being who is doing her best to be a decent human being and I often fail and fall on my face.  I love deeply and I hurt deeply.  I am terrified of rejection and put up with a lot of shit because of this.  But I'm tired of being treated like shit.