I took Katie for her ultrasound on Monday afternoon.  Her caregiver had given her some ativan but she was also in pain so asked that she be given another tylenol #3.  She's been having pain all week.  When we got into the US room, I helped Katie lay down on the stretcher, at which point she started sobbing and continued to sob throughout the entire ultrasound.  Of course I started crying too.  It was heart wrenching.  

She still has ovarian cysts. She is still having pain and we still have to wait forever to see a gynecologist.  Katie doesn't understand why she is having pain and she doesn't understand why we have to wait so long for something to be done.  She also doesn't understand that she has to tell her caregivers that she is having pain to get some pain relief. 

I want to do something to help her but I don't know what to do.  She has pain medication and ativan to help with the pain and the acting out but I would like this to be resolved for her.  I had an ovarian cyst which had to be removed about 20 years ago, the good old days when the provincial government was not trying to dismantle public health care and specialist access was much better.

I was upset and emptied out after I dropped her off at her house, into the arms of strangers (to me).  I could not go home empty so I stopped at the greenhouse to refill my cup, just a little.  It helped, a little.

The snow has mostly melted and Jack had me out bike riding again yesterday, after school and after supper.  He's doing so well on his bike and cannot wait to ride back and forth to school.  I will be riding with him, so I'll be getting a fair bit more exercise, which is not a bad thing but my knees do hurt when I ride.

There has been some success in regenerating cartilage that gives me hope that one day I will not need a knee replacement but can regenerate my own cartilage.  That would be amazing.

A couple of friends and I have joined a pottery studio in Fort Saskatchewan which will allow us more time to work on our pottery and will give us access to much nicer glazes.  It's actually cheaper than the lessons we're taking right now.  My beef with studio we go to now is that 1.45 hours is not enough time to work on much.  It's hurry up, hurry up.  We have asked for a longer class, or more frequent classes but they don't want to do that, so we found someplace that will allow us more time in the studio.  We checked it out yesterday and it's lovely, so is the owner.  Tomorrow we're heading out there for 4 hours.  I would go for longer, but Jack get's home at 4pm and I have to be home for that.  

Taxes are done and paid.  Quilts are finished and the sewing machine has been put away for the summer.  Yard work should begin shortly.  I have crocuses coming up and the leopard's bane leaves are pushing their way through the soil, all signs of a true spring.  

 

Charlie looks deeply unimpressed.  Today the sun is shining and it's warming up.  Once the snow melts I'm guessing the plants and trees will bust out green.  I'm hoping that was the last snow fall.

I'm off to pottery this morning to see my friends and make things with clay.  Is there a better way to spend a morning?  I think not.

Yesterday I took the baby quilt over to my friend's house, for her daughter.  Her daughter and son in law to be were there and I made the poor girl cry.  She loved the quilt.

Katie's caregiver yesterday, knows Katie quite well.  She saw Katie getting increasingly agitated as the morning progressed and she gave Katie meds before I got there, so that Katie was calm and happy by the time I got there.  We went out for lunch, which we had to eat in another part of the mall due to a drug addict freaking out in the food court.  As Katie and I were heading to the other end of the mall, we passed by half a dozen cops and I asked if they were heading to the food court.  They weren't but I told them about the guy freaking out and they headed over there. Katie and I ended up by Tim Horton's and there was another young woman doing the fentanyl hunch in line for Timmy's.  The woman was hunched over and Katie kept watching her and telling me that the lady was sick, which she was poor thing.  This is a nice mall but it's also on the LRT (light rail transit) line and so many drug addicts end up here that I now carry Narcan in Katie's backpack.  It's heartbreaking.  I'm just so thankful Katie remained calm throughout it all.  Today I'm taking her for an ultrasound to check out the ovarian cysts again.

Jack has been very difficult to deal with at bedtime lately.  The ADHD meds are wearing off and he starts stimming, enough to drive me crazy when I'm tired.  It usually starts while I'm making supper and even though I know why he does it, it doesn't make it easier for me to deal with.  I'm also overwhelmed, trying to get supper on the table while he decides to play soccer, or hockey, or basketball in the kitchen.  We are a work in progress.  Once the snow is gone, we can head outside after supper and get some more exercise.  Next Monday outdoor soccer starts up and he'll be doing that two evenings a week.  The days are much longer now and his brain gets that, it wants to be active because the sun is still shining.  Deep breaths.  I tried that on him, the deep breaths, he was pissed off.  "Just stop", is what he said/snapped.  Sigh.

And now for some good advice.

On Monday it was 23C and then yesterday it started snowing and it's still snowing.  Sigh.  As you can see I was hopeful enough to put out a couple of chairs on Monday.  It will end, the weather will warm up.  

My husband discovered a site that offers free 3D printable instructions for pottery rollers.  I immediately went through the site and he is now printing off a lot of rollers for me, which I deeply appreciate.  I started this casserole dish on Wednesday in class but two hours is not enough time, so I brought it home and worked on it yesterday morning.  I did a few more touch ups this morning but I'm mostly satisfied with it.  I don't like that you can see the seam but that just means I have more to learn.  It will end up either blue or green, there are not a lot of choices for glaze at my class, at least not a lot of choices that I like:)

I got the baby quilt back last night and now I just have to add the binding.  I hope to finish it today because my friend's daughter is coming to visit this weekend and I would like for her to have it now.  

I saw my counselor again yesterday and I like her.  We're close to the same age and she has a different perspective, a gentler, more compassionate perspective than I do.  

Katie had a meltdown last Monday, pooped her pants, acted out, and was complaining of pain.  The staff cleaned her up and gave her pain meds.  There is a pattern!  I didn't get attacked, and Katie didn't have to go to emergency for pain meds.  A win.  I'm taking her for an ultrasound on Monday and we'll see what that tells us about her cysts.  She's good now and I'll take her out for lunch on Sunday.

I had an ultrasound on Wednesday.  I've had a lump on my clavicle for almost a year and now it feels like something is pressing into my esophagus.  There is something pressing into my esophagus, but it's just synovial hypertrophy, an overgrowth of the lining of my sternoclavicular joint, caused by arthritis.  One I didn't know that was a thing, and two, I didn't know that you could get arthritis there.  The learning never ends:)

I've been practicing "how to deal with big emotions" and I've done a lot of jumping jacks.  I received a letter yesterday from the government about Katie and her AISH payments.  I'm not done yet though.

Life continues on, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, it just is.  And because I love dad jokes, may I present this one.

 

The snow has gone again, hopefully for the last time.  Jack is out riding his bike, Charlie and I follow behind.

I watched a video on Cheerful Monk's blog this morning and it resonated with me.  I have always struggled with my emotions and regulating those emotions, among other things like organization, impulsivity, and fear of rejection.  

The video named five things I can do to help with my emotional regulation.

1.  Scan my body immediately and to see what it's doing, clenching, tightness, etc. and relax what is tight.

2. Inhale and exhale with the exhale twice as long as the inhale.

3. 2 minutes of intense physical exercise like jumping jacks.

4. Name it to tame it.  Name the emotion, feel it, and then let it go.

5. Give love and specific appreciation to someone.

None of this is new but it also explains in scientific terms when you would feel better.  I'm a science nerd and I appreciate knowing the why of things, makes me more likely to follow through on something.  I remember when I was a young nurse and a resident wanted me to start an insulin drip on a patient who was not diabetic.  He had to explain it to me a few times before I finally understood and then I was willing to do it.  Understanding helps.

Anyway, that's been my week so far.  Pottery was wonderful yesterday, my plants are outside enjoying the outdoors which is good because I just checked the weather and we could have snow again later this week.  At least Alberta is never boring:)

And because summer is coming.

Heidi is going to be ten next month and she is aging faster now.  She has arthritis and I noticed that she wasn't getting up on the couches to sleep like she usually does.  She's also been yipping at random times and looking at us like she's in pain, but she's not sure what caused the pain.  She still loves going for walks, and still wrestles hard with Charlie in the back yard, but something is up with her.  I bought her a new bed for the main floor of the house and she's using it, which is also unusual.  She has been the best dog I've ever had, sweet and gentle.

I was out doing errands yesterday and when I walked into Home Depot the scent of flowers hit me hard.  It was wonderful and then I saw these and needed a photo.  I also went back to work to visit with everyone and get signatures for the petition to stop any new coal mining on the Eastern slopes of the Rocky Mountains.  Water Not Coal. It was nice to catch up and get the signatures.  I'm too uncomfortable asking people I don't know to sign, so I go where everyone knows my name:)

Jack has his soccer orientation this afternoon, where he'll get his jersey and have a skills assessment.  He is pumped!

I'm still thinking about generational trauma and how much if affects the world.  Imagine if trump was loved properly as a child, or putin, or netanyahu, the world would be a different place.  Why do some people turn out like Gandhi?  And some like hitler?  It's still a puzzle I'm working on for myself and my family.  

The field and sky three days ago when I took one of the dogs out for a walk.

It started snowing afterwards and now we have snow again.  Sigh.  So done with winter, but the robins have arrived.  Mum loved seeing the robins arrive every spring, and I do too.  They don't look too impressed with the weather though.  I can see them outside my window in the backyard on the pear tree, all puffed up against the cold.  It's supposed to be 20C next week.

It was going to be crappy all day yesterday so I decided to make a moon jar with coils and stay inside.  I hated working with coils when I first learned about them, but like most things, the stuff I hate the most, I work at the hardest.  As this jar got taller, the weight of clay was making it wobbly.  What to do?  I stuck a balloon inside, blew it up, and voila, I had a sturdy jar that I could keep adding coils to.  I also put it on a pillow to support the bottom.  I removed the balloon this morning because it's dry enough now to stay sturdy on it's own.  I'm not done with it yet, but I am happy with it.  I want to change up the neck of the jar, maybe later today.  Not bad for my second attempt.  The first attempt was awhile back and didn't make it beyond three coils.

Katie had her psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday and he agreed that the ovarian cysts may have been causing Katie's meltdowns over the the past couple of years.  Poor girl.  He wanted to know when she was going for surgery and I told him we were waiting for a gyne consult.  God only knows when that will be.  If the meltdowns are tied to her ovarian cysts, the next meltdown should happen in about two weeks, but now I have meds to deal with it and keep her out of emergency.

Katie's AISH funding has been cut by $200/month, despite proof from the federal government that she does not qualify for the Canada Disability Benefit at this time.  The UCP is a party filled with despicable dirt bags, who prey on the weak and vulnerable.  They are maggots 2.0.  I am in the process of emailing reporters to get them involved with this.  Don't mess with my daughter.  

I get to do our taxes today.  The husband of a good friend of mine is coming over to teach me about capital gains and losses and how to add those to our taxes this year.  I appreciate this so much.  He won't take money but he will taking baking apparently:)

I'm off to bake.

Some animal, no idea what kind, was busy scraping the bark off trees at the natural area.  I love walking there, 168 acres of untouched land, just a five minute drive away.

I have noticed that I no longer have time to write or read blogs on the weekend.  We seem to be busy with Jack and Katie all weekend.  Jack had his birthday party on Saturday and he had a great time.  Yesterday I took Katie out for lunch and she was good, no pain, no agitation.  Weekends have become my work days:)  A two day work week isn't bad.

The snow is almost all gone now, ice persisting in the shadows, but it's starting to look like spring outside.  The birds are all busy making nests and looking for a girlfriend to share their nest with.  The birdhouse in our yard has been taken over by a busy squirrel who spent weeks moving his food into the birdhouse, using it as a silo of sorts.  The sun now shines through the windows, it's high up in the sky, and making it's trek north as it does every year.  

There is something I'm trying to understand, it's called trauma attachment.  Every time I start reading about it I keep shifting back and forth between my children, my grandson, and myself.  I guess it wouldn't be unusual for something like this to echo through the generations and it's probably part of generational trauma, but every thing gets mixed up in my head and I can't sort it out.

For instance,

"There are several basic mechanisms for the transmission of trauma across generations. Attachment is assumed to have a mediating role in the transgenerational transmission of abusive and neglectful behaviors. Mothers’ styles of attachment are passed on to their children. Traumas of attachment in childhood, negative experiences that affect one generation, are likely to affect subsequent generations, as well (Gravener et al., 2012; Özcan et al., 2016).

Intergenerational patterns of insecure attachment have also been widely substantiated, particularly when examining the impact of parents’ unresolved trauma on their children. The presence of unresolved trauma or loss can impair the mother’s ability to respond sensitively and effectively to the infant’s needs and increase the risk of developing an insecure attachment. Unresolved trauma or loss can alter a mother’s expectations and perceptions of her child, as well as her ability to respond sensitively, thereby compromising the infant’s development of secure attachment (Iyengar et al., 2014)."

And then I think about my mum, and her mum, and grandmas, and great grandmas and it all becomes too much and I start crying which doesn't help anybody, including me.  I'm thinking this will require more research, more reading, and more self reflection.  

It also makes me wonder, how far back does this go?  Forever?  To the stone age? Five hundred years?  two hundred years? There have always been awful things that have happened in the world, that have happened to mothers, that have happened to children.  Wars, diseases, famines, abuse, addictions, none of these are new.  I guess we know better now and when we know better, we are supposed to do better. 

Right now it's a gordian knot, an endless, unsolvable problem, but hopefully we can improve things for him, for my children, and for myself.  We'll see.

My tomato plants are coming along nicely, as is everything else, except for the blue asters which never grew.  I will have some nice delphiniums, rudbeckia and white Maltese cross to plant next month.  The fan in the background blows on the plants from time to time to make them sturdier for when they have to move outside into the real world and face the wind.  It works amazingly well.

My mood is back to normal, thank god, and I feel so much better.

Yesterday was Jack's birthday.  He got a handheld microscope which he loves, along with a robot that needs to be built by poppa and some clothes.  I bought him a Messi hoodie because he loves Lionel Messi, and all things soccer.  He had a good day, not too overwhelming.  I fear Saturday will be overwhelming with a nerf gun birthday party, but that's part of birthdays too.  

Robot has been built by poppa and is ready for Jack when he gets home from school.

Jack also his pediatrician yesterday and his growth is declining so she told him he needs to eat more.  He listens to her so I'm hopeful he will eat more.  He rarely eats any lunch because, "I don't have enough time."  He wants to be outside is what he means.  She told him that not eating will affect his height in the long run and that caught his attention.  Poppa is 6'5", so that's his goal.

Not much else going on. Walked the dogs, had blood work done, and bought groceries.  I'm off to poop scoop in the back yard.  Try not to be jealous:) 

Another photo from the biosphere on the weekend.

I reduced my blood pressure medication by half yesterday in the hopes that I won't bite anyone's head off, or kill the cat.  The insomnia persisted last night but it wasn't as bad as the night before, so that's something.  I told my girlfriend that I wanted to bite everyone's head off and shit down their necks, and then I wanted to cry about wanting to bite their head's off.  It feels like really bad PMS.  I'm back to the doctor in a week and a half for a discussion about the medication.

I mentioned to my husband that I was kind of grumpy this past week and he wholeheartedly agreed and I apologized.

When I was talking to my girlfriend, she mentioned how tired she was of her family here in Edmonton and how they treat her (like she's the rich auntie and that she will just pay for anything or everything, because she used to).  They don't respect her and she blames a university education on that.  I don't agree with her but I do agree that they are entitled young people who want to blame anyone else rather than look in the mirror.

She's considering to moving to Victoria even more strongly than before.  I pointed out to her that her cancer is not going to get better or go away.  When she was first diagnosed, the doctor gave her ten years, that was eight years ago.  In the past year she's had pneumonia twice (one of the most common causes of death among multiple myeloma patients).  I told her that she should move, that she needs her family, she needs her children to take care of her.  She has spent her entire life taking care of everyone else, now they need to take care of her.  

Then I started crying, I told her that I loved her and would take care of her here, but she needs her children.  We are both straight talkers, her and I, part of the reason we're friends.  I hope she moves so that she can spend what time she has with her children and her grandchild.

I'm off to pottery this morning, to make me not sad:)

And yes, I know this too shall pass.

 It's snowing, again.  I am officially done with winter.

The high blood pressure medication is making me irritable, to put it nicely.  And I can't sleep, last night I was awake until 2am.  I'm awake and tired, at the same time.

I went to see my counselor last week, what a lovely lady.  She worked in health care for 20 years and has a lot of empathy for nurses which is deeply appreciated.  I told her my life story, why I was there, and then I told her about Katie and I couldn't stop crying.

Katie is going to 34 this June and it still hurts so much to tell her story, to tell my story.  Katie changed my life forever and I will carry that for the rest of my life.  She taught me about grief and about empathy.  Thirty-two years ago I described her as my hard gift, and she still is.  We are tied together, the two of us.

Mostly I'm just tired of feeling crappy and unappreciated.  And I'm tired of winter.

Very little happened this weekend.  We did go for a nice long walk at the biosphere which was lovely and Charlie got to stretch his legs.

Jack went to stay overnight with his grandma and mom on Saturday night and came back home last night after supper.

I took Katie out for lunch yesterday and she was good.

I made an Easter supper last night and even used one of the casserole dishes that I made in pottery class.  I bought the smallest ham I could find and we will still be eating ham for awhile.

Mostly I'm just tired and I'm not sure why.  Maybe because it's a cold, windy day.  Maybe because the bank teller wouldn't let me deposit two cheques that my husband had endorsed, because we didn't have a shared account.  That was new, although the young woman swears it's been like that for a long time.  She was probably all of 25 years old, so a long time for her is not the same as a long time for me.  She told me that he would have to come to the bank with me (like I was a child, or incompetent), to deposit the cheques.  I left the bank, drove to another branch and used their ATM to deposit the cheques into my account and then cried a little.

I don't know why I cried.  Something's bothering me but I'm not sure what.  Not being respected?  Not being appreciated?  Being taken for granted?  

I'm reading a book right now called, "The Bookclub for Troublesome Women" by Marie Bostwick and that might be it.  Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the last century.  

Or maybe it's the general fuckery in the world.  The world feels like it's stuck in the last century.  Today is a down day.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

Things I'm thankful for today.

Indoor toilets

Hugs

Being able to retire early so that I can raise my grandson

Katie has wonderful caregivers

Pottery classes start again on Wednesday

Lego for Jack

Charlie staring at the cat.  He's not sure what to do with that cat.  He likes to lick her and he likes to bother her, but he doesn't hurt her.  He's some kind of sight hound though because it's usually her moving that gets his attention.  

I sent off a terse email yesterday to AISH, the Premier, the Minister for Assisted Living, my MLA, and my ex-husband.  My ex-husband surprised me and "replied all" with support for Katie.  A few hours later I heard from someone at AISH and we went through all the bullshit again.  Yes Katie had been refused the benefit.  Yes I had emailed AISH the refusal letters from the Canada Disability Benefit.  Yes there were two letters.  The one letter specifically says I need to be Katie's trustee to be able to apply on her behalf.  The trusteeship takes up to a year now to process because of our provincial government's general uselessness and lack of forethought.  The gentleman said he would "look into it" and "discuss it with his supervisor".  You do that sweetie, is what I didn't say.

It's easy, give Katie her full AISH benefit, or the news media will get involved.  I've done it before and it's highly effective.

So, that's that.

With my extra anger yesterday, I focused it and got the rest of the painting done in the bathroom (only the ceiling was left to do), and then I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the tiles and grout.  Everything looks clean and fresh and my anger got discharged safely.

I'm starting to see a counsellor today to help me deal with everyone's opinions on how I should act and be in the world.  I'm tired of being told that I am unacceptable as I am.  I'm happy to learn new ways of being, if they benefit me, but I also struggle mightily with just accepting myself as a deeply flawed human being that is trying their best. I will never be perfect.  I will never make everyone happy.  And most of all, people need to stop telling me what to do or think.

 

And happy Easter everyone.

I am not a happy woman, despite having walks in the woods and lunch with a friend yesterday.  I even finished a baby quilt yesterday, which did make me happy yesterday, but today I checked Katie's bank account, and she was short changed by $200.  Our incompetent, cruel government is stealing money from disabled people.  Why?  Because they can.  Apparently they can do whatever the fuck they want.  Even if you jump through all their hoops.  I tried calling the AISH office but had to hang up because I couldn't stop crying.  

 

I talked to a lovely lady at Canada Disability Benefit who assured me that I can reapply on Katie's behalf when I have her trusteeship sorted out, in the next year.  Some asshole on instagram called me a sandbagger when I complained ( I had to look up what that meant and basically it means trump).  So I gave that man a piece of my mind and told him he should do something useful with his life like volunteering with disabled people.

Now I get to write emails to AISH, Jason Nixon, and Danielle Smith, because I haven't done that enough in the last nine months.  And I have to do it without expletives.  Is that even possible when dealing with despicable government?

On the upside I did use the 5-4-3-2-1 mindfulness method that is hanging on the fridge to remind me and Jack about how to deal with stress, anxiety, and anger.  It helped.  Note to self, keep using this with Jack.

Off to write emails because talking to someone in person is too difficult and makes me cry.