The walk home the other night.

It's been kind of an awful summer so far.  We had a huge dump of rain yesterday at lunch and the window well filled up again but I was home and I bailed it out.  It's just the volume of rain.  Streets are flooding, sink holes are appearing, and underpasses are impassable.  The waters recede and then it happens again.

I went online to figure out what to do about the window well and about flooding.  I found out that it's not an unusual problem, which is good to know, and it can be fixed, also good to know.  I was worried it would be something that would require tens of thousands of dollars to fix and my neck and back muscles tightened up.  I also learned about the purpose of window wells, how they're designed, and how they drain.  All good information that I managed to make it this far without knowing.

The damaged part of the basement has been cleaned out and I let the contractor know that he can come at anytime to do the repairs.  He told me after the long weekend.  Yesterday I bought the flooring and I've decided not to replace the nasty old utility sink in the basement, I just removed it.  I don't need it and it leaves more room in the furnace room.

I'll order a bin and I'll get rid of all the garbage that is now sitting in the garage and after the drywall is up, I can install shelving and organize the utility room so that we can find stuff, instead of buying another__________ (fill in the blank with any tool imaginable).

Jack has only a morning camp this week so I think I'm bummed out about that too.  I like it when I have the whole day to myself.  I think I'll make him go dog walking with me this afternoon and I'll keep the morning for myself.  I'll also be happier when my house is put back together.  

Europe is on fire, we're drowning, the US government has lost their collective mind, and the children of the world continue to die or be traumatized because old men who are afraid to die fight wars that nobody needed and nobody wanted (I suppose the argument could be made that war is never needed or wanted).  Climate change is real, it's not new but it has been sped up exponentially and the poorest among us will be the ones to suffer the most, as usual.  We're supposed to do better when we learn and yet it appears that human beings have learned nothing.  It breaks my heart.

 A basement flood can be a gift of sorts.  I had to empty out a closet downstairs and came across a box labeled Mum's stuff.  Obviously it was packed up after mum died in 2013 and I hadn't looked at it since.  The newspaper used to wrap stuff was also labeled 2013 so I know I haven't looked at those things for thirteen years.  It's hard to believe that she's been gone that long and I miss her still.  

So what was in the box?  This Hummel figurine for one, which I didn't realize I had kept.  Mum had a few Hummel figurines that she had bought in Germany while we lived there.  Mum had quite a few knick-knacks and they were part of my life growing up; each one had to be moved to dust underneath it on a regular basis.  I have no memory of what happened to them when mum died but I kept one which I'm glad of.  Mum kept a clean house.  When I was growing up she cleaned the bathroom daily, something which just boggles my mind now.

There were also pay booklets that belonged to my dad when he was in the army during WW2 which will be 100 years old in just a few more years.  There were letters and a few other things.  Jack was with me when I opened the box and started pulling things out.  I ugly cried and he gave me a hug.  He's so very gentle and kind with me, sometimes.  I didn't know what to do with the stuff, don't know who might want it, so I packed it up and moved it to an upstairs closet. 

Everything that was damaged has been removed from the basement except for the utility sink which wasn't damaged but which was a piece of crap.  I can't disconnect the sink by myself so my husband will do that.  A bin will be ordered to put all the garbage in and have it hauled away.  The new flooring has been picked out and once I get that our contractor will come back and fix everything up for us.  Then I will put lots of shelving into the utility room and organize the room so we can find things.  The bedroom will be set up once more and hopefully things return to normal.

Jack spent last night at the lake with his grandma and mom.  His mom appears to be medicated, with what I don't know but her affect is blunted.  Grandma will be with them supervising, I hope.  Because we had the night off, my husband and I went out for supper and I ran into a nurse I worked with for years.  She actually doesn't live far from us but we rarely see each other.  It was nice to catch up with her and meet her baby grandson.

I don't feel 100% this morning, coughing and congested, so I called and cancelled my outing with Katie.  I feel guilty because I know Katie will be upset but I also don't want to make her sick.  Last night I thought it was just the smoke making me feel congested and making me cough, but it's a cold (not a man cold thankfully) so I will survive.

Jack is finally back to normal this morning it seems.  I was tickling him this morning and lots of laughter.  It's hot as hell though and humid.  I'm not good with temperatures of 30C, I suppose it could be worse though.  

We had new windows installed in May and they seem to have helped somewhat, keeping the house a little cooler than previously.  There are also blinds on all the west facing windows, but we will need to get AC going forward.  Our neighbors just had a new AC unit installed, I guess their old one died.  It only took a day and it's so quiet.   

My yard has been taken over by weeds, overgrown lamium, and dogwood.  I need to get out there and do something with the garden and did make one small effort, but it seems I just don't have time.  The mosquitos may have something to do with my reluctance to get out there as well.  It just seems like too much work right now.  My tomatoes are going great guns though and it looks like I'll have a huge crop of Roma tomatoes this fall.

I saw my counselor again yesterday and it was good to talk to someone who listens and asks excellent questions, making me question things, making me think.  I'm starting to see how much of a toll it's taking on me to be guardian for both Katie and Jack.  

Everything to do with Katie requires a huge effort.  It's not as simple as a doctor's appointment, sitting in a waiting room requires constant vigilance so that she doesn't have a meltdown, or pull someone's hair.  One of the hardest things I find is other people asking me what Katie is signing.  I'm introverted and I talking to strangers all the time when I'm out with Katie is stressful.  People are kind and don't want to just ignore her but it's often more stressful for her and for me if they stop and keep talking to her.  I don't feel like teaching every person who walks by about autism, ASL, and Katie.  It also seems that Katie attracts some very odd people who want to talk to her and to me.  I really don't have the energy to listen to them when I'm trying to keep Katie from getting overstimulated and have a meltdown.  The odd people also don't seem to understand social cues either.

Jack requires enormous amounts of energy as well, just because he's young and has ADHD.  There is almost no support from the other guardians and I resent that.  I guess I resent that with Katie was well.

I can juggle everything reasonably well when everything is going smoothly, but illness, emergency departments, and doctor appointments become overwhelming, especially when it's times two.  This will pass but this week has been tough.  

Jack is off to camp again today and hopefully I won't have to drive there and pick him up in the middle of the day.  Maybe I can even make some time for myself today.

I stole this from Deb at She Who Seeks.  Me too my friend, me too.

There appears to be a bug going around.  Katie is fine, fully recovered.  Jack went to wilderness camp yesterday and I got a call after lunch to please come pick him up.  He wasn't feeling good.  It took me an hour to get there because I was in Fort Saskatchewan, there was a road closure, and I got lost in a very large neighborhood of acreages, and my phone still isn't working properly, so no google maps.  I called my husband and he got me going the right way thankfully.  I finally got there, picked him up and he seemed ok but wasn't interested in eating any supper.

At 2am, he crawled into bed with me complaining of stomach pain, which I have come to realize means nausea.  He vomited a bunch, there was much drama, but all of the vomit ended up in the bowl.  It happened again and then the third time was not the charm, it ended up all over the floor.  It was 4:30 by then and he went downstairs to talk to poppa.  I tried going back to sleep but that was no use.

He's now sitting watching TV and has vomited two more times.  No diarrhea, just nausea and vomiting.  No fever either.  All of it just like Katie.  

Poppa is going to get me some gravol suppositories for Jack before he goes to work, and hopefully Jack will be able to keep something down then.

So, there is a bug going around.  I've been washing my hands lots and just looked up norovirus, cleanups with bleach, so I'm going to do that, the floor, not my hands:)

 Update.  I took him to emergency and he was treated in the waiting room by a very nice nurse practitioner.  She gave him quick dissolving Zofran under the tongue, we waited, and then he had some pedialtye and a popsicle.  We're home already.  He still felt nauseous in the car but he's playing video games now.  Fingers crossed.

We're back in emergency again.   This time with vomiting.   She can't keep anything down  poor girl.  She's vomited 5 times so far, but only once on me so I got that going for me.

The best part?  The 7 hour wait to even see a doctor.  I could cry but it wouldn't help.

Right now waiting  for hubby to bring me a sandwich before he takes Jack to his brother's birthday party.  He's also bringing  a big blanket for Katie.   She's freezing and the heated blankets only stay warm for about 5 minutes. 

I hate watching her suffer and I hate sitting in an emergency department doing nothing and I especially hate that the Provincial government has orchestrated this health care shortage as an excuse for private health care. 

Update.  Katie is much better and I just dropped her off at home.  She was hungry and tired.

 It's hot.  It's too damned hot.  I'm still working on the basement but tonight I'm just going to lay my mattress on the floor in the basement and sleep there.  The bedroom in the basement is still ripped apart due to some minor flooding but upstairs is too hot.

Jack has a black eye.  He whacked it on a piece of equipment at the playground the other day.  It's not really black, looks more like he's wearing eyeshadow.  I have given up on limiting his screen time right now because it's just too damned hot to do much except stay inside.  Did I mention I'm hot and tired?

Jack saw his pediatrician on Monday and she changed his medication due to concerns about his weight and growth, or lack of.  On Tuesday we tried the new medication and it was not strong enough.  The day was horrible for me and horrible for Jack.  We put him back on his other medication and I'm waiting for the pediatrician to call us back.

Yesterday I got a tiny bit of yard work done which felt good.  I haven't had much time in the garden since we got home.  Everything grew wild while we were away and I'm in the process of pruning back overgrowth and deadheading.  I suck at pruning by the way, especially tomatoes.  I hate cutting back plants, even when they need it, except for lamium, I'm ok with pulling that stuff out by it's roots.  It's a good thing it's so pretty with it's green and white leaves and purple flowers but it self seeds itself very aggressively.

Right now I'm just trying to stay cool and even the dogs aren't enjoying their walks.  I may also be grumpy:)

I turn sixty-four in September.  I've found this decade very disappointing with regards to my health.  I am now pre-diabetic, although my A1C remains stable at 6.3, so I'm happy about that.  I now have to take high blood pressure medication to reduce my blood pressure.  My last blood work showed quite high cholesterol levels, so I imagine the doc will want to start me on a statin, which I really don't want to take because of possible side effects.

I was watching TV the other day and saw an ad for Metamucil and it said that it could reduce cholesterol.  I didn't believe it so I did some research and sure enough, it can reduce cholesterol.  So I have started to take Metamucil, good for my gut health and hopefully it can reduce my LDL.  I thought I'd give it a try.

Mum died of a stroke and dad had heart disease, although that's not what killed him.  Dad was the youngest boy and he was lucky enough to get open heart surgery in the mid seventies which probably saved his life, so cholesterol is a concern.

My arthritis continues to add new joints to it's roster.  Both knees are having a hard time, along with toes, fingers, back, neck.  So far my shoulders and hips are okay.  All of my mum's family had arthritis and one of my sisters has arthritis quite badly, requiring joint replacement.

I've noticed a marked decline in my short term memory which is frustrating.  I'm making an effort to be more mindful when I'm doing things but that is only somewhat helpful.  My memory which was always so good is not nearly as good as it once was.  Of course, I worry I have dementia but according to my research, it looks like ordinary aging.

My kidney function is declining as well which means that blood pressure and blood sugar need to be closely monitored to preserve my kidney function.  It also means that I should not be taking ibuprofen for pain, which is my go to for pain.  Sigh.  And because of my blood pressure medication, I can't take cold medicine which means I am dreading the next time I have the flu or a cold.

Massive biomolecular shifts occur in our 40s and 60s

"Although much research has focused on how different molecules increase or decrease as we age and how biological age may differ from chronological age, very few have looked at the rate of biological aging. That so many dramatic changes happen in the early 60s is perhaps not surprising, Snyder said, as many age-related disease risks and other age-related phenomena are known to increase at that point in life."

There is so much new information about the human body available, compared to when I graduated from nursing school forty years ago.  It's quite shocking actually and I find myself constantly trying to keep up with what has been newly discovered.  Bodies aren't that different from machines, they require upkeep and preventative maintenance to extend their life span as long as possible.  

So I'm lucky.  I have age-related diseases.  I made it to 64, older than my four friends who all died of cancer in their 40's and 50's.  But I don't feel lucky.  I want to have my younger body back, the body that could sit on the floor and get up easily.  The body that could eat whatever it wanted.  The body that I never worried about.  I'm not alone though, I imagine all people feel like this.  Even though I knew it would happen, it's still come as a shock.

 Botanical Beach on Vancouver Island.

I saw my counselor today.  I feel much better and I'm working on speaking my mind, instead of holding it inside and just being pissy, but I am a work in progress.  One of things she said is how much compassion I have for others and I kind of squirmed in my chair a little.

I don't think of myself as an overly compassionate person.  I just assume that most people feel like me.  It's like when we're kids, you just assume that all families are like yours, except I haven't grown out it, maybe.  I have always been told that I'm too angry.  I'm impulsive and have a very short fuse.  I hate to see injustice, it makes me very angry.  I had an alcoholic ex-husband and a severely disabled daughter, so yes I was often overwhelmed and angry.  But even before Miss Katie was born, I was an angry young woman.  

I hated out my dad treated my mum and our whole family.  I saw how angry my dad was and tried on the angry armor and found it to be an effective form of protection.  Except it keeps everyone away.

My best friend broke up with me after being friends for thirty plus years because I was "too angry".  I as a pain in the ass at work because I always put patients first, even if it angered others.  I have strong beliefs about what's right and wrong that not everyone shares apparently.

So I saw myself as an angry woman, not a compassionate woman.  But I was compassionate.  I hate to see suffering and I do try my best to alleviate the suffering of another.  I try to put myself in their shoes to see things from their perspective which can be confusing and confounding at times.  I wonder if part of my anger was my own disappointment in myself because I know that I caused pain to others by my actions. Hmmmm.

And now that I know about autism and ADHD, I better understand both myself, Katie, and my other two children.  I can see how much I struggled, and I can see how much all of my children struggled within our family.  Katie broke me and I stayed broken for a long time.  Katie needed much more care than my other two kids, so they got less.  I tried, my god I tried, to make it not so, but it was.  My other two got the angry, overwhelmed scraps that were leftover after I took care of Katie.  I wish it could have been different but I did the best that I could.

There are a fair bit of mushrooms sprouting up, the fruiting body of fungi, right now.  We had another huge rain this morning.  I woke up to the sound of the rain thundering on the roof and then the thunder.  I checked the basement and no more water than previously.  Thankfully.  I'm very, very slowly plugging away.  Very slowly.  I need to emphasize the slowly because I still find it kind of overwhelming.  The smell is receding though and a lot of water has been removed by the dehumidifier which is very cool.

I'm feeling meh.  Jack has had a good week at camp.  Next week, it's him and me all week which will be interesting.  Last night we went to the playground which just reopened two days ago.  He was on his electric scooter and going far too fast, 19 km/hr.  A little boy moved in front of him on the pathway and Jack ended up bailing and hurting himself.  The scooter is grounded and there was a long talk about speed, reaction time, making mistakes, accidents, other people on the pathways, and personal responsibility.  Jack ended up with a big bruise and abrasion on his leg but the other boy was not hurt thank goodness.

There is no sunshine this morning which probably explains the meh, plus I'm having a terrible time falling asleep.  

I took Katie to her meet and greet with a new doctor yesterday and when we arrived, found out the appointment had been canceled.  They had tried to contact me but left no messages and when I called back, nobody answered the phone.  Sigh.  On the upside, I didn't cry or get upset.  Katie was happy to see me and looks good.  I cut her hair just before we left on holidays and it's grown out a little and looks lovely.  It's short again and slightly curly.

There are many things I want to write about, Medusa, women's rage, books (The Road to Tender Hearts and Revenge of The Tipping Point), aging bodies, and other things that of course as soon as I sit down to type, disappear out of my head (that might be one of the things).  But for now I need to go back downstairs and do a little work before I head out to the pottery studio this afternoon.  

Port Renfrew.

I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't know why.  The basement will need some work and it smells funny down there.  There is a dehumidifier going now to pull the moisture out but everything needs to be moved out of that utility room, the drywall needs to be removed, and then new drywall put up.  It feels like a lot right now but I don't know why.  I've dealt with floods before.  It's not that big of a deal, but it feels like it.  Why?

I wrote that last bit last night when I couldn't sleep.  Something smelt funny in the basement bedroom as well, which is where Jack and I sleep when it's too hot.  This morning I pulled everything out of the closet and found out where the funny smell was coming from.  Water had seeped through from the utility room on the other side of the closet and stuff was growing on the carpet.  I moved the dehumidifier and the fan from the utility room into the bedroom and pulled up some of the carpet.

The flooding isn't terrible and it's confined to a relatively small space in the basement.  It's certainly much less than a lot of people in Sherwood Park are dealing with, but this is my basement and what I have to deal with

I moved what I could on my own but there is much more work to be done.  I did contact our contractor and he's going to come and give us a quote for repairs.  Our insurance does not cover overland flooding, so we're on our own.  

I lay in bed last night, trying to decide where I wanted to put my energy over the summer, Jack, garden, pottery, house, etc.  This morning I got my answer, house first, but I am going to try to spend time doing each of the things that I enjoy.  Usually I hyperfocus on just one thing because that's how my brain works, but it doesn't make me happy in the long run.  So I'll try to spread out my focus.

There is a new name for ADHD making it's way around the internet,  DAVE. The video explains it very well and it's short, 22 seconds.  It certainly explains how I feel ALL THE TIME.  My brain is the worst at night, going over my day, trying to decide what I want to do tomorrow.  Retirement opened up so much room in my life (in theory), that I sometimes feel like I have too many options.  I know, a terrible problem to have:)

So I'm going to have a little cry, I'm going to do a little pottery and walk the dogs, and then I'll tackle the wet shit in the basement.

 Helmcken Falls.

We made it home yesterday.  I'm still working on cleaning, laundry, and putting everything away.  Apparently we had two flash floods while we were away and there is some water damage in the furnace room from the water entering through the window wells, but nothing terrible, just needs some work.

Jack is at day camp this week which will give me time to catch up.  He had a good trip, despite a rough start.  The second day there he was farting around in the swimming pool, did a flip and cut his head open.  The cut was small enough that I didn't worry about it too much.  I cleaned it up and applied steri-strips to hold the skin edges together.  The steri-strips only lasted the night, he picked them off in his sleep.  I left the wound alone, just kept it clean and checked for signs of infection.  It's in his hair and is healing fine.

Back to real life where there is stuff to do.

Helmcken falls.

Chicory

 

Clearwater.

 Cathedral grove.

Jack running.