It's snowing, again. I am officially done with winter.
The high blood pressure medication is making me irritable, to put it nicely. And I can't sleep, last night I was awake until 2am. I'm awake and tired, at the same time.
I went to see my counselor last week, what a lovely lady. She worked in health care for 20 years and has a lot of empathy for nurses which is deeply appreciated. I told her my life story, why I was there, and then I told her about Katie and I couldn't stop crying.
Katie is going to 34 this June and it still hurts so much to tell her story, to tell my story. Katie changed my life forever and I will carry that for the rest of my life. She taught me about grief and about empathy. Thirty-two years ago I described her as my hard gift, and she still is. We are tied together, the two of us.
Mostly I'm just tired of feeling crappy and unappreciated. And I'm tired of winter.
I'm glad you have a counselor. You needed to talk to her. And yes, of course you're tired. You're carrying a lot of responsibility.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, girlfriend. Surely this too shall pass! I'm tired every afternoon these days too and it does get a gal down, but not in my case bitchy (though Scott may tell, if he dares, a different story).
ReplyDeleteThere's a special grief that comes along with mothering a special needs child, even after they become adults. I feel it upon occasion when comparing Emil to people his age who have such a different life than he will ever know. Fortunately he's content, relatively independent, and verbal, so that lets me off the regret hook -- I can be thankful that he enjoys his life as it is. There have been hard times, but they're not his doing; tendon-release surgeries when he was small.
I'm grateful not to be raising a child now. Even having the grandchildren here is stressful, and not because of their behaviour so much as the noise their normal healthy high-spirited childness creates! I would get over myself if they stayed at least 10 days, but they only stay five when they come out. Meanwhile when they're in the house I jump out of my skin often, easily startled by sudden loud noises. And I admit I get cranky when noise indoors is allowed to continue, and then behave like a charging, trumpeting elephant. Not proud of it. After they leave, I am useless for at least a day and just rest, deeply exhausted. It's crazy! It's not as if I'm overworked when they're here; their mother is an angel and if I lift a finger it's to make a favourite food the kids have requested ("Grandma's" this or that) or wash a few dishes. The counsellor I see asked if wearing earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones would help, but I'm not resorting to that; it would be rude and send the wrong message. So during the latest visit I closed my bedroom door and lay down often; and went for one or two walks a day.
Pixie, we need our retreats. You need one. Alas, even a week away from childcare never worked for me when mine were young. We need two weeks, and how easy is that to come by? Not!
-Kate
It's good to open up to someone trained to listen.
ReplyDeleteI am so done with our endless winter too.
I hope the counselor can bring you some peace of mind, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you have a counselor, and I hope she can help. Please take care of yourself as best you can. ❤️
ReplyDeleteYou are doing all you can and you are accepting support. That is important to remember.
ReplyDeleteI hope it helps for you to write this and know people care.
ReplyDeleteSending love to you and Katie. You've been through so many winters and springs in the past 34 years.
ReplyDeleteWe learn and grow from those hard gifts, but they are also stressful and agonizing. My younger daughter is my hard gift. I'm so sorry for the continuation of winter. Perhaps some spring and flowers will alleviate a little of the crankiness? I hope you don't have to wait too much longer for them! Hugs to you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteMaybe your doc could change the new meds? Or the dosages? Miserable isn’t good!
ReplyDeleteI think the endless winter doesn't help at all with anyone's psyche. I am glad that you have a counselor that you like. That makes a huge difference I think.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I want to say I'm on medication for high blood pressure and it doesn't give me any of the symptoms you're having. I know this means nothing. Could be a different medication, we're all different with different chemistries...
ReplyDeleteEtc.
But I wonder if you've considered hormone replacement therapy? A lot of the symptoms you're having sound like that might be a help. Possibly. Who knows? I know that mine have saved my life and sanity.
I'm really glad you've got a counselor. Just the relief of having someone LISTEN is huge.
And I do not know at all what it's like to have a child like Katie but to me it seems as if it must be an incredibly hard gift. And you've been carrying all of it for so very long.