This photo was taken in the fall of 2012, seven years ago already.  I don't look like this anymore and my mum has been dead for almost seven years.  We took her for a picnic lunch down by the river that day.  We had hotdogs over a fire and roasted marshmallows and fed chickadees out of our hands.  It was a lovely day for me and for my mum.

I'm sad today.  The sun doesn't rise until 8:30 now and sets at 4:30, still three weeks until the solstice and another six weeks before we have this much light again.  The dark and the cold get to me, so I thought I would gather all my complaints around me today like a hair shirt I guess.

I miss my mum still.
I am a bitch around one co-worker who is lazy, stupid, disorganized and who refuses to acknowledge her mistakes.  She's also been there the longest and truly believes she is the best nurse to deal with everything.  This appears to be a very firmly held belief despite much evidence to the contrary.
I miss my daughter.
I wish my son would show up for his son.
I wish it wasn't cold and slippery outside so that I could feel safe walking the dog.
I wish my feet didn't hurt.
I wish I didn't feel so alone sometimes.
I wish I didn't get depressed.
I wish I wasn't so fucking tired.
I wish I felt better.
I wish I didn't have depression.

I know this will pass.  I will feel better.  And actually just writing it all out helps, including me missing my mum.  I forget sometimes.  Her birthday is coming up in three weeks so that's probably why she's on my mind.  She's wasn't always the easiest woman but she did have such a wonderful sense of humor, and she was a good mum.


P.S.

I decided to make some oatmeal soap for Christmas gifts and this helped lift my mood a little.  And I'm making cookie dough.  Trying to get into the spirit of the season.

My grandson spent some time with us last weekend.  He's on the move and the dog and cat are no longer safe.  The poor dog, she's not quite sure what to make of the small human that smells like food, milk and sometimes poop.  The food smell is enticing but then it touches her and she's not sure what to do.

The little guy is doing well, meeting all his milestones for which I am eternally thankful.  I have Katie, the only milestone she ever met was smiling at six weeks, and both his parents were drinking heavily when he was conceived, plus the little guy had to be resuscitated at birth.  So yeah, a little worried.  Gracie is doing well which I am also thankful for.  My son is missing in action, not in jail yet but gone to ground I guess.  Sadly, it's just so much easier when he's not in my life.  We fight, he irritates the shit out of me with his constant lies.  He disappoints me and I disappoint him.  I still hope he gets it together one day for the sake of his son but the hope is slowly fading.

The kitchen is almost done and I'm back to work.  My feet are less sore and I'm keeping up with the physio and icing.  Life is good I guess.

I'm off to clean up the detritus of the last two weeks of renos.  When the counters finally arrive, I will post some photos.

The sun's come out and it's shining through the windows now which always makes me feel better.
I'm thankful.

The kitchen is slowly coming along as are my feet.  I will have an enormous island when it's all done which means counter space to work on.  I feel very lucky to be having this done but will be glad when it's all done.  I'm learning patience and I still have a sink which I appreciate.  The countertop for the island won't come for a month because it's a custom piece.  When I ask the big guy about something, he says he wants me to be happy.  I've never had that before.  It's nice.

My feet are a work in progress.  I went to physio again last night and have new exercises and stretches to add to the ones I'm already doing.  I bought memory foam inserts for my shoes and they feel quite pillowy which is nice.

I've been reading up about feet and osteoarthritis and aging and I have come to the conclusion that I have old feet.  Apparently as we age nothing works as well as it once did.  Osteophytes or bone spurs are just my body's way of trying to deal with the damage done by years of walking.  My poor old body is trying it's best and there is nothing I can do to fix the damage done.  Accept yes, fix no.  Like so much of life, aging is about accepting what cannot be changed.  Fuck.

That being said, I'm very lucky.  My mum broke her first bone when she was forty-eight and it was due to osteoporosis.  She broke a lot of bones due to osteoporosis and falls, something which I don't have, the osteoporosis part, not the falling part.  I fall a fair bit although my physio has me working on my balance as well which will be good moving forward, or aging I suppose.

It's strange because I don't feel old.  I feel the same.  I know I've lived longer and compared to many people I'm relatively young but my body would disagree.  The years are starting to add up and eventually the effects of aging will tip the scale and my body will no longer be able to attain homeostasis and the swift roller coaster ride down towards death will occur.  Fun thought.

I'm okay with that though.  It's what happens and can't be avoided.  It's just a strange place to be.  I've never been here before, close to sixty and retirement and who knows what else.  I guess we'll see.  At least I'll have a lovely new kitchen to bake in:)

My feet are still sore but I've taken matters into my own hands.  I saw a physiotherapist because I think they know far more about musculoskeletal problems than doctors do.  They are also proactive.  My doctor prescribed a topical cream for the pain and a proton pump inhibitor for my stomach because NSAIDS bother my stomach.  The cream did nothing for the pain.  The proton pump inhibitor has side effects like increased risk of cancer and heart attack as well as rebound hyperacidity when you stop taking them.  Not helpful, so I haven't taken them.

The physio did a detailed assessment and then gave me exercises and iced my feet, see above.  Hopefully this will help more.  Staying off my feet more has helped.  I'm doing my stretches and exercises with my fingers crossed.

I thought my sourdough starter had died but I took it out of the fridge and fed it and it's doing well.  Yeast are tough buggers.  Sadly I can't make any sourdough right now because of the state of my kitchen but I'm glad the starter is still alive.

It started snowing on Friday and snowed all day yesterday.  The sun has finally come out, a little.  I saw two large flocks of Canada geese flying south this morning.  I guess they've had enough.

I'm breathing when I'm angry or having negative thoughts and it's helping.  Five deep breaths.  I'm doing it a fair bit because apparently I have a lot of negative thoughts.  The good news is I can manage five or ten or fifteen breaths.  I can't seem to commit to twenty minutes of meditation so it's a good compromise for me.  Even the kitchen reno hasn't been awful for me yet.  I don't like it but I know it will end.

My house is a mess and the kitchen reno is ongoing.  I hate chaos but I'm coping.  It shouldn't take long to finish as it's not a huge reno, mostly just cabinets, countertops and island but I can't cook because the stove can't be plugged in.

Fortunately the cat seems to be coping just fine.  She's still on her favorite perch by the window.

The dog seems to be coping as well.

I lose my sink today but there is a sink in the bathroom around the corner.


I'm still at home with my feet up.  I'm knitting, reading blogs, watching movies and dealing with a backlog of paperwork and filing.  I'm bored out of my mind.  Could be worse as I would always tell my mum, it could be a double amputation.

No animals have been harmed in this renovation.

It snowed last night.  This is my view from my computer desk.  Chickadees and woodpeckers come and go throughout the day to feed and I get to watch them.

I worked yesterday and now I'm home for the rest of the week, resting my feet.  On Sunday I was in so much pain I left dirty dishes in the sink, it hurt too much to stand on my feet and wash up.  I went to bed and read so I could be off my feet.  I took naproxen yesterday and went to work but the pain didn't go away.  An ultrasound tech did an ultrasound on my feet.  No surprises, arthritic changes, inflammation, thickened plantar fascia, bone spurs and more inflammation to both feet, although the right foot is worse than the left, even though my left foot has more swelling.  

It seems overly dramatic but I spend pretty much most of my life on my feet, at work and at home.  I told my boss I needed to spend the rest of the week off my feet in hopes of  reducing the pain and inflammation so now I'm at home, knitting and watching TV.

The dog isn't sure what to make of me sitting on the couch.

Neither is the cat.  Neither am I.  I'm bored already because I don't feel awful, I feel fine except for my feet.  I guess I will get a fair bit of knitting done and watch some TV.  I watched "50 First Dates" already and this was the first time I've watched the whole movie.  Made me cry of course.  I like Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore.  It's not a great movie but it is a sweet movie and it's about love.

Time to find another movie.

We've had snow a couple of times but it's all melted which is nice.  The sun is shining as I write this but snow is in the forecast again today.

I think my son is back in jail.  He seems to have gone off the radar.  He did tell Gracie that he would be going to jail, driving without a license, again and again and again but he didn't say when or for how long.  I don't know how long he'll be in this time but he tends to do well in prison.  He gets sober and has someone else's rules to follow.  He hasn't seen his son since the beginning of September and will miss his son's first Christmas.  Nothing I can do about that.

Our grandson spent the day with us yesterday.  We played on the floor, went for a long walk and poppa sang to him.  I'm also starting to teach him sign language.  He pays close attention when I sign.  The dog is a huge fan of our grandson now because food.  The little guy has a very healthy appetite.

My daughter is still angry with me for being me.  I'm fifty-seven years old and so tired of trying to bend myself into some sort of human being that will make others happy.  She'll either get over it or she won't.  It's also out of my control.

We're off to visit Miss Katie this morning which I enjoy so much now.  She continues to do well on her new meds and with her new agency.  I am truly thankful for that.