Wednesday, November 27, 2019

This photo was taken in the fall of 2012, seven years ago already.  I don't look like this anymore and my mum has been dead for almost seven years.  We took her for a picnic lunch down by the river that day.  We had hotdogs over a fire and roasted marshmallows and fed chickadees out of our hands.  It was a lovely day for me and for my mum.

I'm sad today.  The sun doesn't rise until 8:30 now and sets at 4:30, still three weeks until the solstice and another six weeks before we have this much light again.  The dark and the cold get to me, so I thought I would gather all my complaints around me today like a hair shirt I guess.

I miss my mum still.
I am a bitch around one co-worker who is lazy, stupid, disorganized and who refuses to acknowledge her mistakes.  She's also been there the longest and truly believes she is the best nurse to deal with everything.  This appears to be a very firmly held belief despite much evidence to the contrary.
I miss my daughter.
I wish my son would show up for his son.
I wish it wasn't cold and slippery outside so that I could feel safe walking the dog.
I wish my feet didn't hurt.
I wish I didn't feel so alone sometimes.
I wish I didn't get depressed.
I wish I wasn't so fucking tired.
I wish I felt better.
I wish I didn't have depression.

I know this will pass.  I will feel better.  And actually just writing it all out helps, including me missing my mum.  I forget sometimes.  Her birthday is coming up in three weeks so that's probably why she's on my mind.  She's wasn't always the easiest woman but she did have such a wonderful sense of humor, and she was a good mum.


I decided to make some oatmeal soap for Christmas gifts and this helped lift my mood a little.  And I'm making cookie dough.  Trying to get into the spirit of the season.

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