I wrote a very angry post and posted it and then deleted it.  It's how I felt in the moment but not how I feel now.  I was mad at trump AKA the Stunt Queen and the Americans who voted for him, and who continue to support him.  And then I realized my angry rant was no different than any other angry rant and decided to retract it.

I'm feeling down which is probably part of the problem.  I visited a friend this afternoon and she said, "It's January."  And it's true, January always kind of sucks.  It's the anniversary of her husband's death on Friday. For her, January sucks in a special way.  It was lovely to see her.  I had found a plate at Value Village, a souvenir plate from Skaro Shrine, a place which is very important to her family, and where her grandmother is buried.  She loved it and that lifted my spirits a little.  She's going to make a little altar with it.

Otherwise, not much.  Jack had his hearing tested, all fine.  I took the dogs to the dog park this morning.  It wasn't cold and there was fresh snow overnight.  Katie had a psychiatrist appointment this morning, she's doing very well on the new meds and her CBD.  

And me.  I felt a little better after writing that last post and then I did some rage cleaning and the anger dissipated.  Now I just feel tired and sad.  Still better than angry.

The weekend in photos.  Charlie and Heidi snuggled up on the couch.

Jack and I had a good walk with Heidi at the dog park on Saturday.  The sun was shining and it was lovely outside.

 

Charlie had his long walk yesterday, in the neighborhood.  This storm pond is one of my favorite places to walk to with him.  There are lots of trees and birds.

The bloody cat got into the drawer when it was pulled out last night and didn't want to get out.  Not much else going on.  Jack had his swimming lesson on Saturday morning and I'll take the dogs to the dog park shortly, before my pottery class.  I'm loving my pottery class.  It's nice to learn and be creative.  I have work to do on Jack's next quilt, but I'm waiting for a cold day.  I just looked at the seven day forecast and it looks like next weekend will be those cold days.  Yay.

I worry a lot about Jack and what his early life did to his brain.  His father is a sociopath and his mother started drinking and using drugs again when he was a month old (she had stopped while she was pregnant).  He was left in his crib, left in dirty diapers, left hungry, and left alone while his mom was passed out, from the time he was a month old.  We didn't know this at the time but have since pieced things together.  

Once I went over to Gracie's house to pick up Jack; he would have been a 2-3 months old.  I knocked on the door, no answer.  She knew I was coming.  I went inside, the door was unlocked, called out her name, nothing.  I went to her bedroom and banged on the door, nothing.  I opened her bedroom door and found her passed out on the bed with Jack beside her.  I couldn't rouse her so I took Jack and took him home with me. 

When I got home, I told my husband what had happened and he went back.  He was able to wake her up and told her where Jack was.

I wonder how many times in that first year of his life, Jack was left to cry alone while his mom was passed out, and it haunts me.  We didn't know Gracie was an alcoholic or drug user.  We knew virtually nothing about her when we moved her into a rental of ours (she was eight months pregnant), and I didn't want to pry into her life.  She was kinda/sorta part of our family now because she was the mother of our grandson, but she was also chaotic and very unpredictable.  

When Jack was assaulted by his mother, he was 2 1/2 years old and he was taken into foster care briefly, until we could be named guardians.  Since then his mom has retraumatized him twice more that we know of.  Both times that he was retraumatized, he became unmanageable, angry, hitting out, screaming and extremely fearful.  

This morning, as I was driving to my doctor appointment, I got a call from the Vice Principal at Jack's school and Jack had been trying to force another child to play with him, physically force.  We try very hard to ignore his outbursts and reward his good behavior, but we're adults and much bigger than him.  He was angry with another child and could have hurt the child.  He wouldn't accept no as a reasonable answer and did not understand the social cues the other child was giving him.  Part of his brain hasn't learned that, or was shut down when he was younger.  

It scares me.  

While I was cleaning this afternoon, I was listening to this program.  It's interesting and frightening at the same time.

 Reith Lectures #3: Does trauma cause violence? | Ideas | On Demand | CBC Listen

And then I start thinking about all the things that happened to me and all the things that happened to my husband and I end up going down a tunnel of despair, wondering if any of this can be stopped, or are we just doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.

There also this, Adverse Childhood Experiences.  Sometimes it's overwhelming to think about.  I didn't know any of this when my kids were little and now I worry about the future too much.

Nothing terrible has happened really, but, and there's always a but, what if something terrible did happen?  I worry not only about Jack's mental health, but I also worry about his physical health.  I just worry too much sometimes, and today is that day to worry too much.  Tomorrow will be a day for less worry, I hope.  In the mean time, I can laugh still, so that's good.

I took this photo yesterday morning on my way to pick up Katie.  I could see the sundogs as I was driving and thought the dog park would be the best place to capture them, but like so many things, they didn't last long.  You can faintly see the rainbows on either side of the sun, those are called sundogs and are a result of the the refraction of light through ice crystals.

I want to thank everyone for the kind words on my last post.  It's good to know I'm not the only one.  I know things could be better between my husband and me, but...  Do I have to do all the work?  Am I willing to do all the work?  He's happy with the status quo but I am not.  

The silent treatment.  When I bring things up that my husband doesn't want to talk about, I usually get an angry response, followed by reasons/excuses for the behavior, and then the silent treatment.  It's a form of punishment and it does a good job of silencing me, or at least it did in the past.  I've felt unloved, unsupported, unheard, angry, and frustrated.  I care less and less as time goes by, which I know is not a good thing at all, but dealing with the silent treatment is exhausting.

I know that my husband has been badly hurt in the past and is all about protecting himself, but by doing so, he pushes everyone away from him, even me.  He's not so different from my dad, keeping everyone away, sitting in his fortress of solitude.  Except I know he's lonely and scared and feels unloved.

The thing I learned about love, is that I have to learn to love and accept myself.  It's taken me many, many years to accept myself, and in fact my husband helped me to do that.  But it was hard.  I realized how scared I was, and realized that fear was the basis of my anger.  I was terrified of rejection, of being alone.  Fear ruled my life and I didn't know that.  It's gotten better, much better.  I still get angry at stupid things but nothing like before.  Most of the time I can let things go, be better, take a deep breath, and move on.  

Raising Jack has also forced me to confront my anger and my behavior as well.  I don't do well when I'm tired or hungry (like most of the people in the world), or overstimulated.  I try not to get overtired or overhungry now and that helps. I recognize things that overstimulate me and try to take that into account as well. I also can see it in Jack and try to stand back and not take his anger personally.  But I also apologize when I do get angry with him and explain to him why I got angry (I was tired, or hungry, or overstimulated, or overwhelmed).  Evenutally he will learn that these things set him off too, but right now he's only five and still learning.

I brought up taking Jack to Mexico for a short little holiday, some sunshine and a beach, and got shut down.  My husband said, when he's older.  Everything is pushed to the future, because then he doesn't have to deal with it now, and he also hopes (I'm guessing) that it will just go away.  I'm not willing to wait for Jack to grow up.  I'll be seventy-five when he's all grown up and I plan on traveling before then, with Jack.  I would like it if my husband came with me but if he doesn't, that's ok too.  I want part of Jack's education to be, seeing the world and all the different ways people live in this world.  I'm still young enough and healthy enough to do that now and I don't want to wait because I don't know what will happen in the next year, or the next five years.  Will I get cancer?  Or have a heart attack?  Or a stroke?  All of these are possibilites.  I've lost four good friends to cancer, none of them made it to the age I am now.  I have worked hard all of my life, put things on hold because of Katie and circumstances, and now I'm raising my grandson and I don't want to keep putting things off until tomorrow.  This is tomorrow.

                 

                

Looking east.

I've always had a hard time talking to people, about what I really feel.  I find it hard to organize my thoughts, I'm easily distracted, I wander off on tangents, and if I'm interrupted, I completely forget what I'm talking about.  It's hard.  Add to that the fear, the fear of offending someone, the fear of rejection, the fear of conflict, it's all just hard and usually something I avoid.  

When I was kid I was always told, don't feel like that.  That's what I remember most about growing up, don't feel like that, because what I felt was wrong apparently.  I didn't fit into my family, I felt too much, said too much, I was too much generally.  So many don'ts.

And now I'm sixty-two and I feel less and less that I am too much.  I have ADHD.  I do feel things strongly, I am sensitive, I have a hard time with criticism, I am terrified of rejection, and I have very strong feelings about right and wrong and underdogs.  Being a nurse thickened my skin, taught me to not take everything personally, turned me into an excellent advocate for my patients, and taught me social skills (like listening) that I so desperately needed to learn.

I have ADHD and knowing that helps but I still have an awful time expressing myself verballing.  It takes time for me to organize my thoughts.  I get distracted and overwhelmed during difficult conversations.  I cry, a lot, so I avoid difficult conversations, conversations that need to be had.  I helps to know this about myself, to know that I need to write things out, to get them out of my head, to organize them.

Looking northwest.

My husband is a good man, but he is also an angry man.  He too has a hard time talking about things and I'm sure he's been told many things over the course of his lifetime that have shaped how he feels about himself and his place in the world.  But, we need to figure out how to talk to each other, we need to feel safe with each other.  I can't speak to him that way he speaks to me, he dominates conversations, there is a power imbalance and I end up frustrated; often I just shut down and walk away.  When he believes he is right, he can't hear another side, can't put himself in the shoes of another, can't be wrong.  But things often look so differently if you just turn around and look at things from a different direction.

On the weekend he was rude to my daughter when she woke up.  He said good morning but she wasn't paying attention and didn't hear him or respond, so then he said good afternoon to her and she was offended.  It was 9:30 in the morning, not late, and she felt like she was being criticized for sleeping later on her day off.  She also has MS and is so fucking tired all the time that it makes life hard for her.  He told me it was a joke, but if you're the only one who thinks it's funny, it's not a joke.  When I brought it up later he repeated that it was just a joke and when I mentioned that she feels very sensitive about her MS fatigue he brought up his uncle who had MS, so he knows about MS.  Neither of us "knows" about MS because we have not lived with MS.  Just like people don't know what it's like to raise a disabled child, unless they have raised a disabled a child.  He couldn't accept that somebody saw things differently than he did, couldn't put himself in another's shoes.  I gave up.  I give up a lot lately and just turn away and put another brick in the wall.

He'll be upset by this post, airing our dirty laundry, but I need to get this off my chest.  Life is hard and I want it to get better.  

My daughter and her fiance came for the weekend, for a second Christmas of sorts.  She brought presents for everyone and we had a nice meal.  It even snowed all day Saturday which was lovely.  My son in law to be wanted to see snow and mother nature was kind enough to comply.  My future son in law is a very kind, patient young man and Jack loved hanging out with him.  As well, Katie got to visit with her sister, and flirt with her future brother in law.  My daughter is exhausted from her MS, waiting for one drug to wear off so that she can try a different drug to better control her MS symptoms.  The best part of them being here, was watching them work together as a team.  It was good to see.

I started my pottery class yesterday and it was like starting a new job, I don't know anything, while the three other ladies in the class have experience.  Oh well, on the upside, I don't mind looking stupid anymore and I'm quite willing to ask questions.  I do remember being young though, terrified of looking stupid, hating to ask where everything was.  Age does bring some benefits:)  I did make a plate/bowl and I'm interested to see how it turns out when I'm all finished with it.

Christmas has finally been put away which is lovely.  It's not that I hate having the decorations up, it's the unspoken thought that if the decorations are still up, I still have work ahead of me.  It didn't even take long, maybe an hour, and only one ornament was broken (by me).  

The wildfires continue to burn in LA.  I have a friend there, Elizabeth, who also has a disabled daughter and I worry about them.  I worry about all the people displaced, those who have lost everything, those who have lost loved ones, and those who have lost their livehoods.  What I will never understand is those people who stay in place, not because they can't get out, but because they believe they will be fine.  And those people who can't get out, why is nobody helping them?  Humans continue to baffle me.

Very little is going on here.  The weather has been mild all week and a lot of our snow has melted, leaving behind lots of ice.  I've been out at the dog park a couple of times with just Heidi and have been walking Charlie in our neighborhood.  Yesterday I walked Heidi in the neighborhood too.  We have a small patch of trees and shrubs not far from our house, with a walking pathway.  When Heidi and I got close to it, her fur went up.  I told her not to be silly, it was just the snowplows making strange noises.  We walked a little further into the woods and still her fur was up.  A little further and she started growling.  I looked up and saw a coyote.  We turned around and I ran out of the treed area.  

Heidi is an easy going, gentle dog who never growls, except when there is a predator around.  The first time she did this was up in Jasper.  We had been hiking on a trail and seen a lot of bear scat.  We decided to turn around and then have lunch at one of the picnic tables near the parking lot.  I got our lunch out and Heidi's fur went up, she started growling, and wouldn't take her eyes off the forest. We packed up our lunch and found a different spot to eat, down the road.  We later found out from our friend that there was a grizzly sow there with her cubs.  Another time it was a bear again, but near Ucluelet, BC.  She's a good girl and I told her so.

Otherwise I've been home cleaning, organizing, and doing laundry.  It's a reckless life I realize.

My daughter and her boyfriend arrive this afternoon from Vancouver and I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with them.

Jack is fine, except he talks enough to make my ears bleed.  He's been awfully silly and annoying at bedtime lately, more so than usual.  I read somewhere about something called revenge bedtime procrastination.  It's common in people with ADHD.  We put off going to bed because we finally have time to do something we want to do, it gives us back a little bit of control in our day.  So last night, I didn't get irritated with Jack but realized he just wanted a little bit more time to do what he wants to do, gave him a bit more control, and it helped.  

I know people often hate on social media but the one good thing I find about it, is the feeling that I'm not alone.  So often I read something that someone has written, and realize, it's not just me!  It's a good feeling to have for someone who has felt like an outsider her entire life.

I stopped at a greenhouse yesterday and almost bought another orchid, but left satisfied with just a photo.  The pots for an orchid cost as much as an orchid.  I'll have to look for a cheaper second hand pot before I buy another orchid.

I talked to my daughter yesterday about painting closets and I mentioned I would like to paint my pantry, which led to purging, cleaning and reorganizing of my pantry today.  It's a good job for a cold day.  Unfortunately, one of the bottles that needed to be emptied and thrown out was a bottle of fish sauce.  My whole kitchen now smells like vagina.  The blue and tan striped basket on the bottom shelf of the pantry is the basket I made in my basket weaving class in September.  It works quite well for my onions.

Yesterday I made soap and today I made more clothes washing powder.  Shout out to Debby for giving me the idea of making my own clothes washing powder, very easy, cheaper, and fewer bad chemicals.  I also learned yesterday that I can make soap without heating it up, it's called cold process and is even easier.  I think I'll try that next time.

                       

My middle daughter and her boyfriend are arriving from Vancouver on Friday, for a short visit, which was part of the pantry purging idea.  There are young people that go home to visit their moms, or grandmas, and go through the pantry and fridge to find the oldest best before dates (at least on tiktok).  The oldest best before date I found in there was 2020, so at least this decade:)  I also pulled the fridge and stove and vacuumed behind them.  I feel better when I can see what I've accomplished, and today does it for me.

Just have to walk the dogs, exercise, and make supper.  

Update, I forgot to say that I finally finished Jack's world quilt.  It wasn't hard, I just kept putting it off:)

My orchid has more blooms on it and I've discovered why people like orchids so much, the flowers last for weeks and weeks.  It's been too cold to walk the dogs, or me, so just a photo of orchids.

Winter break is almost over, hurray!  Jack's been pretty good and we've taken him out everyday to get his 90 minutes of exercise in.  Yesterday we went to the swimming pool which also has a wave pool and a lazy river.  We were in the water for almost two hours and I kept a close eye on him, usually within arms reach, as I had to pluck him out of the water a few times.  I was exhausted by the end of it, but we both had a good time.

Today he's gone to a science camp which he was equal parts excited and nervous about.  And then he saw the robotic Rubik's cube solver and he was gone my husband said.  He loves his science, and math.

On New Years day I took him with me to visit his half brother, whom I haven't seen in probably five or six months.  He lives in Edmonton, so there is no excuse, except that his mother, and her family are a hot mess.  Two years ago my son abducted the little boy and brought him to my house and presented him to me like a puppy.  Here, you can raise him, sort of thing.  Oh, and my son was high, the police showed up, it was a shit show.  Since then it's been awkward.

So we drove over there on New Years day with a box of clothes that Jack has outgrown, as well as books and toys.  There are seven people living in a two bedroom, one bathroom house, along with three dogs and two cats, plus some guy with a black eye that bought a tiny puppy off some homeless people the night before.  The TV was at full blast the whole time we were there, with a Denzel Washington movie involving drug dealers, violence, and lots of swearing.  If I sound judgy, I am.  

My grandson, Jack's half brother, is going for an autism assessment at the end of the month.  He's been delayed for a long time.  He doesn't talk, doesn't really make eye contact, likes to be by himself, and while he and Jack played, meticulously stacked up the blocks I had brought for him to play with.  His only stimulation seems to be his tablet.  

I wanted to bring him home with me, like a puppy that needs love and attention.  He has a mother, who struggles but keeps him fed and cared for.  My son, he's nowhere.  He has two children and no contact with either, and definitely no child support.  It's disgraceful.  I kept it together while I was there but when I got home, I had an ugly cry.  

I guess we'll figure something out.  He's going to need enrichment and a quiet place to go as he grows.  I'm still his nana.