Once I went over to Gracie's house to pick up Jack; he would have been a 2-3 months old. I knocked on the door, no answer. She knew I was coming. I went inside, the door was unlocked, called out her name, nothing. I went to her bedroom and banged on the door, nothing. I opened her bedroom door and found her passed out on the bed with Jack beside her. I couldn't rouse her so I took Jack and took him home with me.
When I got home, I told my husband what had happened and he went back. He was able to wake her up and told her where Jack was.
I wonder how many times in that first year of his life, Jack was left to cry alone while his mom was passed out, and it haunts me. We didn't know Gracie was an alcoholic or drug user. We knew virtually nothing about her when we moved her into a rental of ours (she was eight months pregnant), and I didn't want to pry into her life. She was kinda/sorta part of our family now because she was the mother of our grandson, but she was also chaotic and very unpredictable.
When Jack was assaulted by his mother, he was 2 1/2 years old and he was taken into foster care briefly, until we could be named guardians. Since then his mom has retraumatized him twice more that we know of. Both times that he was retraumatized, he became unmanageable, angry, hitting out, screaming and extremely fearful.
This morning, as I was driving to my doctor appointment, I got a call from the Vice Principal at Jack's school and Jack had been trying to force another child to play with him, physically force. We try very hard to ignore his outbursts and reward his good behavior, but we're adults and much bigger than him. He was angry with another child and could have hurt the child. He wouldn't accept no as a reasonable answer and did not understand the social cues the other child was giving him. Part of his brain hasn't learned that, or was shut down when he was younger.
It scares me.
While I was cleaning this afternoon, I was listening to this program. It's interesting and frightening at the same time.
Reith Lectures #3: Does trauma cause violence? | Ideas | On Demand | CBC Listen
And then I start thinking about all the things that happened to me and all the things that happened to my husband and I end up going down a tunnel of despair, wondering if any of this can be stopped, or are we just doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.
There also this, Adverse Childhood Experiences. Sometimes it's overwhelming to think about. I didn't know any of this when my kids were little and now I worry about the future too much.
Nothing terrible has happened really, but, and there's always a but, what if something terrible did happen? I worry not only about Jack's mental health, but I also worry about his physical health. I just worry too much sometimes, and today is that day to worry too much. Tomorrow will be a day for less worry, I hope. In the mean time, I can laugh still, so that's good.
Those future what-ifs can be just as overwhelming as what's in the past, can't they? Trauma is complex, but remember your tools and strategies. Even a hug from a trusted adult can help regulate a child's nervous system. In other words, your presence is actually an antidote to some of his troubles. Despite the inevitable struggles and unpredictable outcomes, there's power against trauma in how we respond to it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have had such a difficult time but the upside, I suppose, is that you have more insight than many into Jack's difficulties and challenges. If anyone can help that wee boy, it's you and hubby.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good grandmother ( and mother!). Makes me sad what Jack’s mother put him through when he was just a baby. He is lucky to have you and your husband to give him love and stability. It must be so hard to deal with all his issues. Hang in there… Jack will remember everything you do for him. His love is your reward. Cali
ReplyDeleteI wish I could tell you not to worry, but I'm not that simplistic. Kids are resilient up to a point, but I'm not sure what that is. So much of what went on in Jack's early life was and is out of your control. You can only give him love, stability, boundaries and understanding. We can hope that from this point on, he'll work his way through that early trauma although it might take a long time.
ReplyDeleteI hear your (justified) concern about Jack’s ongoing issues from early influences and perhaps trauma. As a (retired) teacher, principal, and school district administrator with over 40 years experience with kids, teachers and the school system, I encourage you to continue to work with the people that are working with him daily. It was an extremely rare time that a teacher or administrator I worked with didn’t want the very best for any of those sometimes difficult kids we encountered. We recognized that kids who had difficulties, regulation issues, social scrums, etc. were injured in some ways. Kids do NOT want to be difficult, have issues, or not fit in to their group - they do things that are problematic to protect themselves. It is our job as adults who interact with them to get to the heart of their worries and find a way to relieve their issues. Find people in his world who are knowledgeable and helpful - they are there and will work with you. ( I acknowledge that you know all of this after finding support for Katie over the years - just adding support for this route)
ReplyDeleteYou've been able to laugh as long as I've been reading your blog. Jack may have had a hard start, but you and your husband have been there for him all the way. You have hard-won insight into your feelings, their ebb and flow, and insight into Jack's struggles. You do what you can and it's more than enough. I appreciate your honesty about your feelings.
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