I worry a lot about Jack and what his early life did to his brain.  His father is a sociopath and his mother started drinking and using drugs again when he was a month old (she had stopped while she was pregnant).  He was left in his crib, left in dirty diapers, left hungry, and left alone while his mom was passed out, from the time he was a month old.  We didn't know this at the time but have since pieced things together.  

Once I went over to Gracie's house to pick up Jack; he would have been a 2-3 months old.  I knocked on the door, no answer.  She knew I was coming.  I went inside, the door was unlocked, called out her name, nothing.  I went to her bedroom and banged on the door, nothing.  I opened her bedroom door and found her passed out on the bed with Jack beside her.  I couldn't rouse her so I took Jack and took him home with me. 

When I got home, I told my husband what had happened and he went back.  He was able to wake her up and told her where Jack was.

I wonder how many times in that first year of his life, Jack was left to cry alone while his mom was passed out, and it haunts me.  We didn't know Gracie was an alcoholic or drug user.  We knew virtually nothing about her when we moved her into a rental of ours (she was eight months pregnant), and I didn't want to pry into her life.  She was kinda/sorta part of our family now because she was the mother of our grandson, but she was also chaotic and very unpredictable.  

When Jack was assaulted by his mother, he was 2 1/2 years old and he was taken into foster care briefly, until we could be named guardians.  Since then his mom has retraumatized him twice more that we know of.  Both times that he was retraumatized, he became unmanageable, angry, hitting out, screaming and extremely fearful.  

This morning, as I was driving to my doctor appointment, I got a call from the Vice Principal at Jack's school and Jack had been trying to force another child to play with him, physically force.  We try very hard to ignore his outbursts and reward his good behavior, but we're adults and much bigger than him.  He was angry with another child and could have hurt the child.  He wouldn't accept no as a reasonable answer and did not understand the social cues the other child was giving him.  Part of his brain hasn't learned that, or was shut down when he was younger.  

It scares me.  

While I was cleaning this afternoon, I was listening to this program.  It's interesting and frightening at the same time.

 Reith Lectures #3: Does trauma cause violence? | Ideas | On Demand | CBC Listen

And then I start thinking about all the things that happened to me and all the things that happened to my husband and I end up going down a tunnel of despair, wondering if any of this can be stopped, or are we just doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.

There also this, Adverse Childhood Experiences.  Sometimes it's overwhelming to think about.  I didn't know any of this when my kids were little and now I worry about the future too much.

Nothing terrible has happened really, but, and there's always a but, what if something terrible did happen?  I worry not only about Jack's mental health, but I also worry about his physical health.  I just worry too much sometimes, and today is that day to worry too much.  Tomorrow will be a day for less worry, I hope.  In the mean time, I can laugh still, so that's good.