I took this photo yesterday morning on my way to pick up Katie.  I could see the sundogs as I was driving and thought the dog park would be the best place to capture them, but like so many things, they didn't last long.  You can faintly see the rainbows on either side of the sun, those are called sundogs and are a result of the the refraction of light through ice crystals.

I want to thank everyone for the kind words on my last post.  It's good to know I'm not the only one.  I know things could be better between my husband and me, but...  Do I have to do all the work?  Am I willing to do all the work?  He's happy with the status quo but I am not.  

The silent treatment.  When I bring things up that my husband doesn't want to talk about, I usually get an angry response, followed by reasons/excuses for the behavior, and then the silent treatment.  It's a form of punishment and it does a good job of silencing me, or at least it did in the past.  I've felt unloved, unsupported, unheard, angry, and frustrated.  I care less and less as time goes by, which I know is not a good thing at all, but dealing with the silent treatment is exhausting.

I know that my husband has been badly hurt in the past and is all about protecting himself, but by doing so, he pushes everyone away from him, even me.  He's not so different from my dad, keeping everyone away, sitting in his fortress of solitude.  Except I know he's lonely and scared and feels unloved.

The thing I learned about love, is that I have to learn to love and accept myself.  It's taken me many, many years to accept myself, and in fact my husband helped me to do that.  But it was hard.  I realized how scared I was, and realized that fear was the basis of my anger.  I was terrified of rejection, of being alone.  Fear ruled my life and I didn't know that.  It's gotten better, much better.  I still get angry at stupid things but nothing like before.  Most of the time I can let things go, be better, take a deep breath, and move on.  

Raising Jack has also forced me to confront my anger and my behavior as well.  I don't do well when I'm tired or hungry (like most of the people in the world), or overstimulated.  I try not to get overtired or overhungry now and that helps. I recognize things that overstimulate me and try to take that into account as well. I also can see it in Jack and try to stand back and not take his anger personally.  But I also apologize when I do get angry with him and explain to him why I got angry (I was tired, or hungry, or overstimulated, or overwhelmed).  Evenutally he will learn that these things set him off too, but right now he's only five and still learning.

I brought up taking Jack to Mexico for a short little holiday, some sunshine and a beach, and got shut down.  My husband said, when he's older.  Everything is pushed to the future, because then he doesn't have to deal with it now, and he also hopes (I'm guessing) that it will just go away.  I'm not willing to wait for Jack to grow up.  I'll be seventy-five when he's all grown up and I plan on traveling before then, with Jack.  I would like it if my husband came with me but if he doesn't, that's ok too.  I want part of Jack's education to be, seeing the world and all the different ways people live in this world.  I'm still young enough and healthy enough to do that now and I don't want to wait because I don't know what will happen in the next year, or the next five years.  Will I get cancer?  Or have a heart attack?  Or a stroke?  All of these are possibilites.  I've lost four good friends to cancer, none of them made it to the age I am now.  I have worked hard all of my life, put things on hold because of Katie and circumstances, and now I'm raising my grandson and I don't want to keep putting things off until tomorrow.  This is tomorrow.