Jack had a good sleep last night and he still managed to have four meltdowns before I dropped him off at daycare.

#1  Last night, he and poppa made a bead bracelet with all of our names on it.  I put some glue on the knot last night, to make it strong and to ensure the knot didn't come undone.  He put it on this morning and within thirty minutes it broke, because he kept twisting it.

#2  He wanted to remake the bracelet this morning and asked for my help.  He was mad because the glue rendered some of the "gold beads" unuseable this morning and he had to change his design.  The glue was my fault he said.  Not happy.

#3  He dropped an "A" on the floor, the last "A" in the bottle of beads and he couldn't find it, so he couldn't spell out papa.  I said we could change it to poppa, not happy.

#4  I told him I could remake the bracelet later, because it was time for OSC (out of school care).  He wanted to know what later meant.  Did that mean I would be home all day?  Which, if that was the case, he figured he could stay home all day.  That was not going to happen after three meltdowns.  Then he was crying because he said, "I'm only a kid, and you yelled at me."  I told him that I understand that he is a kid but I did not yell at him, and I was very frustrated with him.  More tears.

A lot of tears this morning.  I know he has ADHD, but so do I, and I can only take so much in the way of overstimulation I realize.  It's been really cold this week so he hasn't been outside for exercise and I should have put him on the elliptical before supper last night.  But I didn't think of it.  I was tired.  So I felt like a failure as I drove home after dropping him off.  It's too cold to walk the dogs.  I had a cry, but  I'll get on the elliptical later to burn off some of my excess energy and stress.

Part of Jack burning off his energy involves pacing around the kitchen while making lots of noise.  Last night he was doing this while naked because again there was an issue about his shower/bath at bedtime.  The pacing and the noise was too much for my poor brain. He pushes me to the limit and then I walk away to stop me from yelling.  There is something about ADHD called rejection sensitive dysphoria (which I realize now, I've had all my life and it explains A LOT).  So the feelings Jack has when I walk away, rejection and a feeling of failure, are intense for him.  All of his feelings are intense, full disclosure, so are mine.  We're quite the pair.  

But now I know and I'm trying so hard to be patient with him and with myself.  We feel things strongly.  Our feelings get hurt easily.  We feel rejection often.  This is hard but I feel like I have more tools available to me this time round.  My two oldest also have ADHD and I can honestly say I feel like I failed them, but when you know better, you do better.  Or at least that's the theory:)

Tomorrow I think we'll head to the pool for some exercise and to burn up some of that excess energy of his.

Furmaggedon.  Charlie sheds in the fall, which is now, according to his body.  He's pacing a lot because he wants to go for a walk, but it's too cold for his feet.  I could buy him booties I suppose, and maybe I will, but today I'm playing catch-up on housework and making a nice supper.  I'm vacuuming up dog hair and washing dog blankets, then I'll wash all the dog footprints off the floors.  I sense a theme here:)

The cat is pissed.  She wants to go outside but every time I open the door for her, there's still snow and cold.  She meows, very loudly, goes away, and then comes back a few minutes later.  We play this game for most of the day;  it's great!  

Jack is feeling better and is back to school.  He's sleeping through the night again, which means I'm sleeping through the night again.  Yay!  I'm not good without my sleep.  I worked yesterday and it was busy as hell (another theme), so I was grumpy after work.  Jack had a field trip yesterday and a busy day at school, so he was grumpy too.  We bumped heads when it came time for a bath and I just walked away and let him cry.  He didn't really know what he wanted and I was just too tired to deal with it.  When I came back, I explained to him that we were both really tired and that people often get grumpy when they're tired.  We decided he would not have a bath, but rather just put on his pajamas and go to bed.  He was sound asleep by 6:30pm.  I went to bed at 8pm, and we both slept until 6am, both of us much happier this morning.

Off to vacuum up Charlie's dog glitter (fur).  Christmas decorations will have to wait for another day, but not too long.  Christmas is coming up fast and Jack asks everyday when Christmas is, because everytime he asks for a new toy, we tell him Christmas is coming.  He did point out that last year Santa's gifts did not meet expectations (do better Santa).  He'll end up as a lawyer or hostage negotiator.

It's been a rough week.  Jack has been sick off and on, sleeping in my bed off and on (loosely translated as lots of coughing, kicking, and general tossing and turning).  Jack visited his grandma and mom yesterday; they took him to see Disney on ice, even with a fever and a cough.  He had a good time while there, but wouldn't eat when he came home and then vomited.  If I had said no, I would have been the bad guy, again.

I took Katie to Southgate Mall on Sunday and they had a light installation there.  Overall it was too crowded and noisy for her but they did have some massive, handpainted, ornaments that were beautiful.  I'll go back with Jack before Christmas.  He likes lights and he can visit Santa as well.  Katie saw Santa walking through the mall, going to work, and she LOVED it!  She even got a hug from Santa and I told him how much it meant to her.  He's a very kind man.

It snowed a lot over the weekend, 19 cm, and winter is definitely here.  The temperature dropped too and now the cat won't go outside, she's been complaining about it, a lot.  It's too cold for Charlie's feet to spend more than a few minutes outside.  Heidi is made of tougher stuff and will sit out on the deck for awhile.

And me?  I'm just tired, between work on Friday, depression (which is lifting), and Jack keeping me awake half the night.  I made some Christmas cookies yesterday and will make more today, with Jack's help (god help me).  

I'm also becoming much less willing to put up with patriarchy and general bullshit.  A bunch of entitled white men (because they're white and male) bitching and complaining about how hard they have it.

It's beautiful outside, gently snowing.  Inside, my poor brain is stuck in overthinking, and catastrophic thinking.  I've been taking a lot of pepcid the past couple of weeks for heartburn and depression has caught up with me again.

Charlie attacked another dog at the dog park and the owner of the dog verbally attacked me, so I did what Charlie does and I verbally attacked her back.  Then I cried and went back to apologize to her.  She apologized to me as well and told me about dog parks with only one dog at a time.  It's called Sniffspot.  You pay to take your dog to someone's acreage and the dogs have it all to themselves.  So more work (booking and paying) to take Charlie for a walk, which I don't even want to do right now anyway, because it's cold outside.  Right now it's all too much for my poor embattled brain.

I texted briefly with my middle daughter and her MS has been progressing, in her gut and in her eyes.  I so desperately want to fix this for her and there's nothing I can do.  She doesn't want to talk about it right now, so I have to honour that.  Impulse control and patience are not my strong suit though.

Depression sucks the goodness out of life.  I know it will pass but today it's dragging me under.

Truth.

I worked yesterday and we were busy as hell.  By the end of the shift, I was done.  We came home, I made a very easy, frozen food supper, got Jack ready for bed and then I went to bed at 7:10pm.  I thought I would have an amazing sleep but that was not to be.  At 11pm, Jack crawled into bed with me, not sure why, and then proceeded to toss and turn until 5am when he got up.  When I say toss and turn, I mean he would sit bolt upright, make a noise and then lay back down.  I didn't get much sleep and I'm hopeful that tonight I will have a good sleep.

I'm dragging my ass today, mostly fatigue, but also cold weather, and the general dumbfuckery in the world.  I did manage to make it to the dog park but even that was unpleasant.  I'm not used to the cold yet and even with my long johns on, it was cold.  The dogs however had a great time and everything was covered in hoar frost, which always makes the world look beautiful.

I need to get up and make a stew for supper and vacuum because roomba seems unable to charge.  Sigh.  My life is so difficult:)

The soon to be trump administration, AKA a goat rodeo.

I took the dogs to the dog park early this morning, after dropping Jack off at daycare.  Jack was happy to go, they're riding the double decker bus into Edmonton today.  Very exciting.  Yesterday, they went to Sherwood Park Mall and all the kids got to buy themselves lunch.  Also, very exciting.  I got gas at Costco after I dropped Jack off at daycare, also exciting?

This afternoon I have to pick Katie up and take her to see her family doctor.  Katie has been having a very hard time this past month, months. We tried putting her on birth control pills to stop her periods and perhaps stop her PMS which seems to be getting worse as she gets older.  Her periods didn't stop and her behaviors have gotten worse, which I'm guessing means the PMS is worse for her.  It's hard to tell, she doesn't understand and can't tell us, except with her behavior.

Katie has been evicted from two group homes because of her behaviors, so an escalation in behaviors makes me worry.  I don't really know what to do.  I'm going to talk to the doctor about other options like depo-provera, an implant, or even a total hysterectomy.  All of the options have their own side effects and down sides, and I feel torn about what to do.  Mostly, I don't want to see Katie suffer, or have to move again.

When Katie's upset she attacks other people, pulling their hair, or in one instance last month, bashing somebody at the gym with her wheelchair.  She also breaks things, strips off her clothes, urinates on the floor, and bangs her head against the wall or floor.  The staff try to stop her as quickly as possible but Katie has permanent scars on her forehead from banging it against things.  

So, what now?  I don't know.  I just really don't know.  

On the upside, Jack's behavior has improved radically with less screen time and more exercise.  I'm trying to play more games with him, to help him learn concepts like turn taking, counting, waiting, impulse control, and not being a asshole when you lose or win.  He spent a night last weekend at his grandma's house, saw his mama, and came home with a fair bit of attitude, but I told him that wasn't going to work with us.  He settled down pretty quickly.

There is also a ten week course being offered through AHS which teaches kids and parents/guardians, new skills such as making friends (for the kids I'm hoping) and dealing with ADHD issues (for the parents I'm hoping).  So we'll sign up for that, and Jack and I will go to it.

I saw this on Margaret's blog and loved it, so I stole it.  Thanks Margaret.

I'm avoiding the news as best I can, trying to get fresh air and exercise, and even worked for five hours yesterday.  

Update.  Katie saw the doctor, we've stopped her birth control pills for now and will wait to see if her behavior changes.  Katie sees her psychiatrist next Friday and her family doctor suggested we talk to him about medication changes.  Depo-Provera is a hard no because of osteoporosis and weight gain.  She also didn't like the idea of a hysterectomy at all.  I think I'm just scared of her being evicted but the staff last night assured me that Katie's behavior is far from the worst they've seen and she will not be evicted.  I want a quick fix, when there are no quick fixes.  Sigh.  Sixty-two and still learning that one:)

 RIP dad.  I'm so sorry you had to go to war, and even sorrier that we still have wars in which young men and women will be forever changed.

 

Jack had an appointment yesterday, to see a pediatrician who is connected to the ADHD clinic at the Mis hospital.  The appointment took two hours and was comprehensive.  At the end of the two hours, yes, Jack has ADHD.  No surprise there.  He also has a peditrician now, which was a surprise.  Jack has seen a doctor maybe five times in his life.  His mom wasn't concerned with stuff like that, and then it was hard to find a doctor taking patients.  Fortunately, he is a relatively health child but it's so much nicer knowing you have someone who has your back.

There are things we can do to help him.  When the doc asked how much milk he drank a day, she was shocked when I told her a litre a day.  She told me that he shouldn't have more have 500 ml/day, otherwise it suppresses his appetite too much, and she was concerned he might be anemic.  Less milk and a blood req to test for anemia and ferritin stores.

She also told us to not allow him to have more than 2 hours of screen time a day.  He usually has more than that, because life.  He also needs 2 hours more sleep daily.  Lately Jack's been waking up between 4 and 5am because of Halloween excitement and the fucking time change.  No TV in the morning when he wakes up, so no reward for waking up early, hopefully equals longer sleeping.

The biggest and probably the hardest thing is 90 minutes of activity a day, preferrably outside.  So this morning Jack and I went to Capilano Park, someplace I'd never been.  There is a pedestrian bridge across the river.  We went early and saw four people.  Jack pretended the Siren Heads had killed just about everybody, we were avoiding Siren Heads, and looking for survivors.  Not creepy at all but he had a great time running and chatting away.  He warned two men on bicycles to watch out for Siren Heads.

The city looked very pretty in the morning light.

That's it.  More exercise, less TV, for everyone.  

And one last shot, an homage to Steve's street photos.

And just like that, the snow has mostly melted.  It's warm today and supposed to be even warmer tomorrow, which means I have more time to work in the garden.

I raked and poop scooped the backyard, until the compost bin was full.  Now I wait until my neighbor is home so that I can ask her if I can put some leaves in her bin as well.  As I was standing on the deck, surveying my yard, two little nuthatches flew down to the suet feeder and chattered away to themselves as they fed. 

I had a bad, awful day yesterday.  I snapped at Jack and the dogs, then I cried, and I screamed (I was alone for that).  I know it's not my country but people are going to die because of the election.  Women will die, having miscarriages or back street abortions.  Illegal immigrants will die.  More people will die in Ukraine and Gaza.  I'm not too sensitive, I just give a shit about humans and their suffering.

Today is a better day.  

It snowed last night, not a lot, but a harbinger of things to come.  Snow itself is not a bad thing, but when it's combined with the cold and the dark, it gets me down.  Life is just harder in the winter.  Navigating snow lined, slippery streets is hard, getting groceries is harder, getting childen in and out of coats and boots is harder, everything just becomes that little bit harder.  

Jack stayed home yesterday because he wasn't feeling well.  He had a very slight fever and he was still coughing, so I said fine, but I also told him what I had to do yesterday and that he would have to come with me.  We hung out at the rental for a couple of hours, waiting for the repair guy to come and finally fix the washing machine (it's been broken for three months, long story), took the dogs for a run at the dog park, and took Katie's wheelchair to be fixed.  He also got his vaccinations at a local pharmacy which did not go well.  It was done by a pharmacist who was fine, and did a good job, but he was no public health nurse and didn't really know what to do with a crying, screaming child.

By the end of the day I was feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated because Jack also talked for most of the day, except for the two twenty minute naps he took in the car while we drove Katie's wheelchair to the city.  I hate feeling like that.  I feel like a failure.  I understand it's how my brain works but I wish it didn't.

Five less commonly known symptoms of ADHD in women.

1.  Emotional dysregulation that includes intense mood swings. Difficulty regulating emotions.

2. Verbal processing, talking things out to understand them, often seen as oversharing.  

3. Internalized hyperactivy, racing thoughts, anxiety, internal chaos.

4. Low frustration tolerance, minor setbacks can feel major or feel like defeat.

5. Impulse decision making.

Women often attribute these to a personal flaws, instead of recognizing these as core symptoms of ADHD.  Yep.

Deep breaths.  I took the dogs for a walk in the snow, now it's down to the basement to use the eliptical and lift a few weights.  Hopefully that will help lift the fog in my brain.

 This is one of videos that my hubby copied and saved for me.  Of course I ugly cried when I watched it.

Hubby was cleaning out the garage last week, getting things ready for winter, when he brought down two big plastics bins marked "Mum's mementos".  I asked him to put them in the mud room for me because I wanted to go through them.  The bins must have been sitting up in the rafters for the past eight and a half years, and prior to that, sat in my storage unit at my condo for four years.

I cleaned off the exterior and started going through the bins and the past came flying back to me.  I stored most of mum's knitting that she had done for the kids, old books and artwork that the kids had done at school.  I pulled out sweaters, baby blankets,baby shoes and even a first edition book of my mum's, "Babar The King".

Mum made baby blankets for all my children, actually for all her grandchildren, and for anyone she knew who was having a baby.  She also knit sweaters and hats and mitten for everyone.  She always had knitting on her needles, even when she was dying.  I still have the outfit she made for me to bring my son home from the hospital, over forty years ago.  All my children came home in that outfit.  I washed the outfit, carefully laid it out to dry and then packed it away again.

 

The Cowichan sweater in the top photo, was made by my son's paternal grandmother.  I had forgotten that I had saved it, but I'm so thankful I did.  When I was a young woman, Cowichan sweaters were the thing to have.  Mum even made me one, swearing the whole time she made it.  Sadly, most of the knitted sweaters are too small for Jack already, so I washed everything and put things back in the bin for him when he's an adult, and may or may not have children.  

I talked to my middle daughter, asking if she would want her baby shoes and blankets, she surprised me by saying yes, so I have a pile of stuff to send her.  When I talked to my daughter, she asked if I had all the old family videos.  My ex husband took a lot of videos when the kids were young and at some point had transferred them to CDs.  I told her that I couldn't remember if I had them but would look.  I found them in the first place that I looked, the drawers in my hutch, which also got cleaned out.  

The CDs were sitting on the counter when my husband came home and I told him that I was sending them to my daughter, that I didn't want them anymore.  When I woke up the next morning, he was copying them and cleaning them up, so that I would be able to watch them.  When I saw the video of my young daughters that he was working on, I burst into tears and thanked him.  Not all of the past was bad.

So this past week has been about memories and death cleaning.