I'm so tired. Last week while we were in Jasper, I had some adverse effects to the antibiotic I was taking for my endometritis. I burned the hell out of my head and my hands felt very strange, prickly, cold and hot, and then started to swell a little. So I threw out the pills and talked to the doctor yesterday who is sending me for another ultrasound and gave me a prescription for a new antibiotic. One of the side effects of the new drug is insomnia. Yay.
I went to bed at nine last night, read for an hour, tried to sleep, got up, read some stuff on the computer and went back to bed at midnight. The last time I looked at the clock it said, 1:52. My husband woke me up at 6am to drive him to work because I need the car today; I have a massage, a physio appointment for my foot and then an ultrasound for my uterus.
The book I was reading last night was called "The Dictionary Of Lost Words" and I would highly recommend it. Part of the book is about the writing of Oxford English Dictionary but it's far more than that. The book is about family, love, class, war, motherhood and sisterhood. I cried so hard last night towards the end of the book and I couldn't stop crying. I was reading about WW1 and the young men dying in the trenches and I thought, we have learned nothing! More than a hundred years later and still people are killing each other in the name of war and all the stuff that's been eating at me for the past few months came up and I sobbed, unable to stop.
So this morning I'm tired and a little weepy still. The weather is awful, rain, wind, clouds and it's turned cold again.
The big guy is having a hard time too. He's grieving his father's decline and inevitable death and he's angry as hell at his family and how they've treated him over the past thirty years. Add to that his concern about Jack and he's feeling overwhelmed and overloaded as well. I know this will pass but it's hard right now.
We had a lovely week with Jack and my daughter and her boyfriend but then we came back to real life which still sucks. I can see Gracie starting to slide backwards and wonder how long we have to let her slide before her family acknowledges it. We keep a close eye on Jack but I imagine he grieves too, as a three year old, unable to rely on the woman who is supposed to be his safe place to fall. Gracie is not a safe place, not for Jack and not even for herself. This wears on my heart.
I have the chance the reduce my hours to half of what I work now but I crunched the numbers and it's not possible right now, not without my pension. So I'll wait until next year. We will sell the rental house and the condo, pay off our mortgage and then I will work casual. One more year.
Update-I had a massage and came home and did some stretching that my body desperately needs and I'm feeling better. Writing things out also helps get things out of my head, which also helps. I'm okay, just spilling my guts to feel better.
Oh my, I'm not surprised you've been overwhelmed, what with the reaction to the antibiotics AND the Gracie/Jack situation. I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through all this but I can't help thinking crying helps - even if just a little! I also wish you could reduce your hours sooner rather than later but we have to do what we have to do don't we. I'm so sorry for your troubles!ReplyDelete
There is much to be overwhelmed about, both globally and on a personal level. Poor Jack! My heart breaks for him and for those who love and want the best for him. Bitterness and drama in the family, I know it well.ReplyDelete
Lady, this is absolutely the time to take care of yourself in whatever ways you can. I'm glad you're cutting your hours and that you got a massage. Your life would be overwhelming to anyone right now. I wish I could hug YOU and tell you in person how amazing you really are.ReplyDelete
Blogging is the perfect place to spill one's guts. I hope you feel better soon. Crying is good for the soul even though it hurts like hell at the time.ReplyDelete
I don't always comment, but I read every post you write. Not only for the text, but for the photos. Your strength is astounding. And I am of the opinion that there is absolutely no virtue in suffering in silence. You make art of your life and struggles. You make people think. And your eye for beauty always brings me joy.ReplyDelete
I so completely understand writing things out to get them out of your head. I'm glad you're feeling better. The situation with Gracie and Jack will not soon be resolved. You and the big guy are Jack's safe space, and thank heaven for that.ReplyDelete
It's good that you can use your blog to offload and to clarify how you are feeling. Just like the massage, blogging can be a kind of therapy too. I always think that sleep is one of the best medicines available so it is a shame that your current antibiotics can cause sleeplessness. Hang in there girl!ReplyDelete
I'm out here listening, sending you love.ReplyDelete
You carry so very much on your shoulders. Whatever it takes, give yourself a break.ReplyDelete
It's not surprising that you are exhausted - you're living a stressful life.ReplyDelete
Did my comment go to Spam?ReplyDelete
Sometimes it feels good to just write everything out and thus, think it through. I totally get the gut-spilling! Glad you got a massage and I hope the new meds work better than the other ones.ReplyDelete
Your other readers give you so much kind feedback and acknowledgement, with which I agree, that there is nothing for me to add, really. So I'll just send you a virtual hug, a wave, and a "Hang in there," along with my hope that things soon start looking up for you, Big Guy, Little Jack, and even Gracie. Stranger things have happened. Thanks for sharing all that you write about. -KateReplyDelete