I'm so tired.  Last week while we were in Jasper, I had some adverse effects to the antibiotic I was taking for my endometritis.  I burned the hell out of my head and my hands felt very strange, prickly, cold and hot, and then started to swell a little.  So I threw out the pills and talked to the doctor yesterday who is sending me for another ultrasound and gave me a prescription for a new antibiotic.  One of the side effects of the new drug is insomnia.  Yay.

I went to bed at nine last night, read for an hour, tried to sleep, got up, read some stuff on the computer and went back to bed at midnight.  The last time I looked at the clock it said, 1:52.  My husband woke me up at 6am to drive him to work because I need the car today;  I have a massage, a physio appointment for my foot and then an ultrasound for my uterus.  

The book I was reading last night was called "The Dictionary Of Lost Words" and I would highly recommend it.  Part of the book is about the writing of Oxford English Dictionary but it's far more than that.  The book is about family, love, class, war, motherhood and sisterhood.  I cried so hard last night towards the end of the book and I couldn't stop crying.  I was reading about WW1 and the young men dying in the trenches and I thought, we have learned nothing!  More than a hundred years later and still people are killing each other in the name of war and all the stuff that's been eating at me for the past few months came up and I sobbed, unable to stop.

So this morning I'm tired and a little weepy still.  The weather is awful, rain, wind, clouds and it's turned cold again.  

The big guy is having a hard time too.  He's grieving his father's decline and inevitable death and he's angry as hell at his family and how they've treated him over the past thirty years.  Add to that his concern about Jack and he's feeling overwhelmed and overloaded as well.  I know this will pass but it's hard right now.  

We had a lovely week with Jack and my daughter and her boyfriend but then we came back to real life which still sucks.  I can see Gracie starting to slide backwards and wonder how long we have to let her slide before her family acknowledges it.  We keep a close eye on Jack but I imagine he grieves too, as a three year old, unable to rely on the woman who is supposed to be his safe place to fall.  Gracie is not a safe place, not for Jack and not even for herself.  This wears on my heart.  

I have the chance the reduce my hours to half of what I work now but I crunched the numbers and it's not possible right now, not without my pension.  So I'll wait until next year.  We will sell the rental house and the condo, pay off our mortgage and then I will work casual.  One more year.  

Update-I had a massage and came home and did some stretching that my body desperately needs and I'm feeling better.  Writing things out also helps get things out of my head, which also helps.  I'm okay, just spilling my guts to feel better.