Thursday, February 17, 2022

Life continues on.  It's still winter.  I'm still taking care of living and dying people.  There's been so much suffering already this year and I'm trying to make sense of it, trying to accept it, trying to grow flowers in the heap of shit that is life.  I'm not sad, not angry, but some days it feels like I'm just going through the motions.  Both of my parents died in February.  Winter is long here in Alberta and by February I'm usually tired of it, and this winter was particularly difficult both weather wise and family wise.  It's just winter.

Jack is still staying with us three days a week.  He's a little different every time he comes back to us.  Last night he didn't want to sleep in his own bed, he wanted to sleep in Nana's bed.  He's having terrible temper tantrums about things.  He has a diaper rash, but mostly he's just happy to be home.  He threw himself into poppa's arms when he got home last night and then he checked his toys.  When he went to bed, in my bed, it was too dark.  His other grandma sleeps with the TV on.  I don't have a TV in my room and I like to sleep in the dark.  He fell asleep just fine and when I went to bed, I moved him to his own bed.  As I carried him I wondered how long parents have been carrying sleeping children to beds.  Hundreds of years?  Thousands?  

This morning he couldn't find his favorite blue car so there was much crying and much sadness.  Nana found it and then the world was once again right.  He has another cold with a runny nose and a cough.  He coughed so hard this morning that he vomited.  Lucy, the beagle, was kind enough to clean up that mess.

I have some rapid tests so I thought I would check Jack for covid before he went to daycare.  I stuck a swab up his nose which he protested very loudly and then asked me to do it again.  He was negative but I'm guessing the big guy and I will have another cold very soon.

I want to retire this fall but if I do that I have to use all my vacation days before then and those vacation days have to be allocated before the end of this month.  We don't know if we'll have Jack full time again this summer and if we do, what will holidays looks like?  Where can we go with him for a vacation that isn't too far of a drive?  Would Lori take him for two weeks so that we could have a vacation?  What would that look like with daycare in Sherwood Park and her living in Edmonton?  Lots of questions.

I have to get off my feet.  Once again my bone spurs are acting up and they are so painful that I'm limping.  I'm taking anti-inflammatories but they bother my stomach so I take a pill for my stomach which messes with my depression.  OMG I'm an old woman!

As usual I want answers when I already have the answer, wait.  Sigh.  I want different answers:)


  1. You are dealing with a lot, and so is the little guy. It is hard to let things just unfold, I so understand that. Yet what choice do we have. My heart goes out to you all and Jack, so much uncertainty and change. A day at a time. You are doing your level best. I hope the bone spurs ease soon.

  2. The term "putting out fires" comes to mind; there are just TOO many for us sometimes. Bodily aches, family issues, question upon question...with answers yet not the ones we want. I'm there with you. Hope that Jack isn't too sick and that you can escape it. See how hopeful (naive?) I am? ;)

  3. Making the decision to retire has got to be so frustrating for you, as so much is "unknown". I really, really hope you get to retire as early as possible. I'm sure it will do you the world of good!

  4. Patience is the hardest thing. And not really knowing what's coming next so that at least tentative plans can be made is the next hardest. But as Rosemarie said above, things will unfold no matter what.
    I just want you to know how incredible I think you are, doing what you are doing for Jack, for your patients, for your family.
    Please don't forget you.

  5. Different answers!!! I understand that completely. You've got lots of answers but they have not been all that pleasant much of the time. New answers please!

  6. I hear you, baby. I think you're a spectacular human being that needs to go away on vacation.

  7. You have had a lot to cope with, a lot to hold together. No wonder you needed to let some of the pressure out by sharing a blogpost like this. But life is only a "heap of shit" when you allow yourself to see it that way. Let's put this down partly to "the winter blues" for there are better, happier days ahead - that's for sure.

    1. I think thete is a lot of suffering and shit in life, not just mine, I'm not special. Living life is figuring out how to grow flowers in that shit, how to grow and get good stuff from the suffering.

  8. I'm happy to hear you are thinking of retiring in the fall. Retirement is a joy. You need some joy.

  9. At a certain age and whatever the challenges, we are on that road to retirement and I hope you will get there soon and with excellent prospects in all the important departments for it.
    You certainly have earned it.
    Hugs to the grandson!

  10. Poor Jack! I hope you can avoid his cold. Hang in there -- February will loosen its grip soon enough and hopefully life will seem more manageable as spring arrives.

  11. "And yet she persisted" describes you perfectly, Ms Stout-Hearted. -Kate

  12. It's hard to be where you're at. Some days, all you can do is keep one foot in front of the other.