Life continues on. It's still winter. I'm still taking care of living and dying people. There's been so much suffering already this year and I'm trying to make sense of it, trying to accept it, trying to grow flowers in the heap of shit that is life. I'm not sad, not angry, but some days it feels like I'm just going through the motions. Both of my parents died in February. Winter is long here in Alberta and by February I'm usually tired of it, and this winter was particularly difficult both weather wise and family wise. It's just winter.
Jack is still staying with us three days a week. He's a little different every time he comes back to us. Last night he didn't want to sleep in his own bed, he wanted to sleep in Nana's bed. He's having terrible temper tantrums about things. He has a diaper rash, but mostly he's just happy to be home. He threw himself into poppa's arms when he got home last night and then he checked his toys. When he went to bed, in my bed, it was too dark. His other grandma sleeps with the TV on. I don't have a TV in my room and I like to sleep in the dark. He fell asleep just fine and when I went to bed, I moved him to his own bed. As I carried him I wondered how long parents have been carrying sleeping children to beds. Hundreds of years? Thousands?
This morning he couldn't find his favorite blue car so there was much crying and much sadness. Nana found it and then the world was once again right. He has another cold with a runny nose and a cough. He coughed so hard this morning that he vomited. Lucy, the beagle, was kind enough to clean up that mess.
I have some rapid tests so I thought I would check Jack for covid before he went to daycare. I stuck a swab up his nose which he protested very loudly and then asked me to do it again. He was negative but I'm guessing the big guy and I will have another cold very soon.
I want to retire this fall but if I do that I have to use all my vacation days before then and those vacation days have to be allocated before the end of this month. We don't know if we'll have Jack full time again this summer and if we do, what will holidays looks like? Where can we go with him for a vacation that isn't too far of a drive? Would Lori take him for two weeks so that we could have a vacation? What would that look like with daycare in Sherwood Park and her living in Edmonton? Lots of questions.
I have to get off my feet. Once again my bone spurs are acting up and they are so painful that I'm limping. I'm taking anti-inflammatories but they bother my stomach so I take a pill for my stomach which messes with my depression. OMG I'm an old woman!
As usual I want answers when I already have the answer, wait. Sigh. I want different answers:)