I grew some sunflowers from seed this year, dwarf sunflowers, and they're just starting to bloom.  They make me smile.  I also bought some prairie coneflowers which I have never seen before.  We'll see if they survive the winter.

The pole beans are amazing.  They have climbed the trellis and I've had to top them off as they wanted to climb higher.  They've only started to flower now.  I'm not sure how long they take to produce the beans, hopefully, less than a month.

The tomatoes have been enjoying the heat and I've had to top them too because they've gotten ridiculous.  

It's been busy at work.  When isn't it?  Two days ago I had a young man with a rare form of cancer.  He's only twenty-seven but looks much older.  I thought his mother was his wife.  He's dying but I don't know if he knows or understands that yet.  His belly is distended with something called ascites, a buildup of fluid in his belly.  This happens with end stage cancer and liver disease, but in his case, it's the cancer.  Once we see ascites, patient don't live a long time.

He had a drain put into his abdomen a week ago, to drain the fluid because it continues to build up, making it hard to breathe, and the drain was causing him pain.  I changed the dressing, had him assessed by the doc who put the drain in and we talked, the patient and I.  He wants to have children he said.  He still thinks that's a possibility and it broke my heart. I didn't tell him he's dying.  Didn't tell him that he's only going to get worse.  He's twenty-seven.  He still believes there is a future for him.  He still has hope and I couldn't destroy that.  

Yesterday we had a woman, a year older than me, slated for a port insertion.  On the requisition it said that the patient was autistic and nonverbal.  I talked to the doc and he said he wouldn't do it.  He said it would traumatize the patient and the nurses and himself.  This poor lady had a biopsy in our department a month ago and had to be held down, even after giving her ativan.  She sat up and contaminated the sterile field during the biopsy.

I talked to the patient and her caregiver.  I told her what was involved.  She would get a minimum of eight needles into her neck and chest.  There would be a metal tunneler going under her skin and there would be a lot of pressure on her neck and chest.  The patient would have a drape over face and would have to keep her neck turned the whole time and not move while we did this.  I told her all the facts that I usually gloss over.  The caregiver agreed that it wouldn't work.  

The caregiver seemed to think the patient didn't know what was going on because she can't talk.  The patient sat up during the biopsy;  she was clearly communicating that this was not what she wanted.  Katie can't talk and doesn't miss a thing.  Behavior is a form of communication.  I told the patient that we would not be doing anything to her today, no needles and she relaxed.  As they were leaving I also noticed that the patient had a huge burn scar on her right neck and chest, another reason we couldn't have put the port in.  It will have to go into the left side of her chest which is more difficult and more painful.  

I called the oncologist, who seemed slightly irritated that we wouldn't put the port in and then told him he would have to arrange for it to be done at another hospital, which also irritated him.  What I didn't say is that if it was my disabled daughter, I would not do any of this.  The patient is sixty years old.  I'm sure she has had a lot of trauma in her life, even if she can't express it.  Chemotherapy would only add to that trauma.  It's inappropriate in my opinion.  We all have to die but we don't have to traumatize this poor lady again before she dies.

I'm off today.  A day to weed the garden, work on some sewing, clean the floors and walk the dogs later.  I'm trying to not push myself so hard to get things done, to take some time for myself, to relax.  I'm not stressing over my children, they have their lives that they will have to sort out and I need to let go of what I think they should be doing.  I have my own life to deal with.  Of course I want them to be happy but I also don't have control over that.  

I read an article the other day, and heard a radio program the same day, about magic mushroom reasearch.  Apparently there is research going on to treat depression and PTSD with micro doses of magic mushrooms.  The article is here.

It would be nice to be rid of the black dog for good.

 

I went for a walk with the dogs after supper yesterday and the light was so different and beautiful.  I walk the same paths most days and every day there is something different in the light or in the growth.  It's never the same path twice.

My son messaged me on instagram this morning, the only app I don't know how to block;  the baby was born yesterday.  A little boy that my son named after himself.  It's also the same name that the police use for my son as I always called my son by his second name.  So a new baby has come into the world, already saddled by his name.

I'm not getting involved.  I hope that my son turns his life around.  I've quit praying because I realized I only prayed for what I wanted to happen and I needed to let go of that, but I always hope for my son.  I hope he can love his son.  I hope that he will be there for him.  I hope that he will support him.  I hope that he never lays a hand on him.  I hope that he doesn't lie to his son.  I hope he stops drinking and using.  I hope he pays attention to and listens to his son.  

I know it's a lot to hope for.  Go big or go home, right?

The sun came out yesterday, for the first time in almost a week.  The smoke haze has been hanging over the city, obscuring the sun, forcing most of the insects to lay low.  I didn't know bees use the sun to navigate but they do.  Apparently, most insects use the sun to navigate.  Another effect of climate change I was unaware of.

I came across this word the other day on someone's blog and had no idea what it meant, so I looked it up.  I don't know why I always find it amazing to realize that other people on this planet have dealt with the very same problems that I have dealt with.  Giving up expectations is a human problem and is not new, and here I thought I was unique.  

I'm painting the basement bedroom because there's nothing else to do.  It's still smoky outside.  Jack is with his mama.  The big guy is at work and I'm puttering.  

As you can see, the bedroom definitely needed a paint job.  

The tansy is blooming which always makes me smile.  I know it's a weed, but it's so pretty and I love yellow flowers.

I'm also doing some work on patient teaching power point presentations for central line insertions.  This is what we do at work.

And this is why we don't allow cats in our interventional suite.

The scene of the crime.  We went to the Lego store again yesterday.  Money exchanged hands.  There are now more pieces of dangerous plastic on the floor, waiting for an unsuspecting foot.  Jack loves ambulances, firetrucks, police cars and all heavy equipment such as excavators and dump trucks.  Poppa thought there should be a fire station, for Jack of course.  A good time was had by both of them.

The temperature has cooled down considerably here.  Today it's only supposed to get up to 16C, or 60F.  It's been smoky here since last Thursday because of all the wildfires burning.  I don't have any lung issues but for people who do, it's tough.  I'm off for another week, burning holidays.  Fortunately that doesn't cause any smoke.  I'm hoping to paint the downstairs bedroom this week but we'll see.  If it doesn't get done, I'll live.  

I finalized our holiday plans, booking the rest of the hotels for our trip and the ferry.  I made the big guy check the ferry trips because I may have booked the wrongs days last time we went on the ferry.  We're going to spend five nights in Ucluelet on Vancouver Island.  We'll also get to visit my sister and my brother which will be nice, as well as visit a lovely lady I met through blogging;  she lives in Nanaimo.

I suspended my ancestry account, as only two weeks were free, but I did manage to make it back to the early 1700s.  You don't realize how large your ancestor pool is until you start going backwards.  My family comes from England and Scotland for the most part, not wealthy people, coal miners, carpenters, servants and men who served in the military and militia.  So my family isn't just the people I knew, or the people my mum knew, it's thousands of people spread over centuries.  I came across one illegitimate birth so far, three if you add in my son and my grandson.  I'm thankful it's no longer such a stigma, although I wonder if it was such a big deal as we assume.  Men and women have been having sex without birth control since the beginning of time, whether they're married or not.  I imagine babies were folded into families, much like they are today.  

A great aunt of mine who lived in California.  It did surprise me how much my family moved around prior to the 20th century.  

I'm off to walk the dogs, before I talk myself out of it.

I took the dogs for a walk early this morning, before it gets too hot.  It's hazy and smoke has started to blow into the city, obscuring everything.  

I'm so tired and cranky.  Last night I had awful dreams about misplacing small children.  I went to a retirement party, less than ten of us, and it was so hot outside on the patio that I ended up feeling faint and had to lay down on the patio.  Of course this was quite hilarious to some of my co-workers and videos and photos were taken while I lay there.  I sat in the air conditioned house for about fifteen minutes, drank ice water and felt revived enough to drive home.

I just realized that I'm not so much tired as depressed, again.  My feet have been hurting so I've been taking ibuprofen which gives me heartburn, so I take pepcid.  I can take pepcid for a day or two but after that it drags me down.  I was feeling okay until I wasn't and now it has to work it's way out of my system and let my gut back to normal and then I'll be back to normalish, or as close to normal as I come.  

We were shortstaffed on Tuesday and I promptly burst into tears.  I got it together and made it through the day okay but I hate crying at work, even though my co-workers are used to it.  Our shit for brains politicians have decided that nurses should take a 3% pay cut.  The pandemic isn't even over, nurses are worn out and are working short staffed because nurses are not being replaced as they leave;  why not kick them while they're down?  Meanwhile, in the past ten years, these very same politicians wages have more than doubled.  I feel disrespected.

I know I'll feel better soon but I do hate feeling down and weepy.  I need to let go of my expectations and just accept it, sometimes I get depressed and some medications make me feel more depressed.  It's frustrating though.  I work so hard at dealing with my depression and it still bites me on the ass.  

Not much going on around here.  It's still hot, not like Death Valley hot, but hot.  When I was a young woman, I loved the heat.  My friends and I put on our bikinis and went to the lake to lounge around and people watch, sometimes we even went in the water.  I love to swim.  

I took the dogs out last night to the dog park.  We had a few drops of rain and then the heat came back but they needed a walk.  So did I.  We walked through the woods you can see in the distance.  It's always cooler in the woods and the birds were singing away.  Heidi even managed to scare up a squirrel which was exciting, less so for the squirrel I'm thinking.  No animals were harmed.

Jack has gone to the lake this weekend with his other grandparents.  Usually they only want to drink and socialize on the weekend but Gracie guilted her mother into taking Jack.  Gracie is trying.  She has good weeks and bad weeks but the good weeks are increasing which is good to see.  She still gets weird some days but we're getting used to that.  It's part of who she is.  We've only known her for three years so we're still learning her.  Her drinking has gone way down which is a huge plus.  Jack loves her, although I think he prefers the consistency in our house.  He's a tidy little guy, probably because of the chaos in his home.  When he comes in to our house, he takes his shoes and coat off and put them on the deacon's bench by the door.  I've never asked him to do that, he just does.  The other morning he patted the couch beside himself and said, "Poppa, come sit."  So poppa did.

Our medical director at work, the one we made a huge complaint about, has done a 180.  He's kind and thoughtful with the patients.  He jokes.  He's not an asshole to anyone anymore.  I can only imagine what kind of threats were made for him to change so dramatically but I am thankful.  It makes work so much more enjoyable.  No more dread when it comes to working with him, atlhough it will take a least of year of this kind of behavior before I trust him.  Short term change is easy.  Long term change is much harder.

We're finishing up our plans to visit the coast in August.  On the way home we're going to stop and see my brother and his family, and while we're on the Island, we'll visit my sister and her husband.  I'm looking forward to seeing the ocean again.  I wouldn't want to live there full time but I do love the ocean.  

We're going to pick up Katie soon and take her out.  She's allowed to travel on the buses again so she'll start getting out again.  She's been a trooper during this pandemic but her behavior is starting to escalate again.  She wants to go out.  She misses the world.  Her group home has a plan in place to get her out regularly again which she'll enjoy.

I read this article yesterday and was disgusted, dismayed and revolted, mostly just fucking angry.  What fucking centruy is this?

How to treat disabled people like shit.  That's not the name of the article but it might as well be.  I've learned with Katie, who is nonverbal, that behavior is a form of communication.  These people, these human beings, are self harming for a reason and shocking them is not the answer.   All of the people involved in this school need a throat punch.

We're back to more normal temperatures which I appreciate, as do my plants.  That tall, green plant on the right is a tomato plant that I grew from seed back in March.  I'm impressed at how well they've been doing.  I ended up with five tomato plants in total.

I had a tarot card reading from a lovely lady, which was spot on.  I'm trying to let go of my anger and grudges because I know I do hold onto them.  My two biggest problems which came up were my stubbornness and my defensiveness with ideas on how to deal with them.  My husband would agree with those two being my biggest problems, along with my impatience.  In my defence (yes, I get the irony) I am less stubborn and less impatient than I used to be:)  She also suggested I spend more time on self care and get in touch with the little girl I used to be.  I tried this last night and when I talked to her, the little girl I used to be, I ended up crying quite a lot.  It wasn't a bad kind of crying though, more of a realization of how vulnerable children are and how much they need to feel safe and loved.

This morning I'm going for a massage which will help my back.  It's been so sore these past couple of weeks, along with my right arm.  I try to ignore them but that doesn't really work.

I started looking into my geneology which has been quite interesting.  I found family going back into the 1700s on ancestry.ca, with a free trial.  I found a great-great uncle who was born in New Brunswick and a homestead in Alberta that my grandfather, or great grandfather (can't remember which), homesteaded in Alberta.  On my father's side there were a lot of coal miners;  and on my mother's side, I found a lot of military men in England and Ireland.  

It's the kind of stuff that leads you down a rabbit hole and it's been an enjoyable way to pass a few hours.  It may be slightly addicting.  I didn't realize my family had come to Canada earlier than I thought they had and I also didn't realize how much people moved around even in the 1800s.  I thought it was a modern phenomenom but apparently that's not true.  

This is my mum as a young girl, maybe three or four.  I can't ask her anymore and that's sad.  I still have questions for both my parents but I can't ask them and never thought to ask them when they were alive.  Maybe that's why I'm enjoying this genealogoy search, it feels like a connection to both of them.  Names will come up and then I remember something that my mum said many years ago and it's a connection back to mum.

I'm off today and I'm going to try to take it easy and spend some time in the woods with the dogs because we're all happiest there.

Jack has been with us since Tuesday night.  It's all blurring together.  He's such a sweet little boy but he's such a little boy.  He has so much energy and he's two so he's busy asserting his independence, both of which can be exhausting.  

This morning we took him to the zoo, to see some animals and to run off some energy.  Mission accomplished;  he's sleeping on the couch behind me with the fan on.

His best buddy right now is his poppa which can be hard on a poppa because everybody needs time to themselves.  Poppa is sleeping right now on the livingroom couch.

It's still hot here but the temperature has dropped to something that is manageable.  It's only supposed to be 28C today and I can live with that.  

Nothing much else going on.  Still haven't heard back from my daughter.  That young woman can hold a grudge but that's on her.  I did reach out to her and she ignored me.  

My son hasn't contacted me either which is lovely.  His wife is due this month.  I have no idea if they're still together or not.  I doubt it.  I feel so sad for his wife but I am not getting involved.

I sent my spit off to 23 and me, for genetics testing, out of curiosity.  Turns out I have more neanderthal genes than 75% of the people who use 23 and me.  Not really a surprise there.  My ancestors were into cross border shopping, so to speak.

I also found out that I am 98.8% English and Irish.  Again no surprise.  I'm at higher risk for type 2 diabetes.  My father, brother and one sister all have type 2 diabetes.

What did surprise me is that I have 1500 cousins.  Hopefully this is not in my future:)

We're having a heat wave here and we're the lucky ones.  The interior of BC set records this past week for heat.  The small community of Lytton got the worst of it.  It hit 49.6C there and now a wildfire has ripped through the village, destroying 90% of the community.  It's going to get worse too I would imagine.

Our house is an oven.  We don't have AC but I did buy a mattress for the basement and Jack and I have been sleeping down there.  The big guy toughs it out upstairs with the dogs.  The dogs are suffering too, panting and generally just draping themsevles across the tile, hoping to cool off even a little.  I've been giving them cold sponge baths which the vets recommend.  No walks.  Too hot.

And still we're the lucky ones.  My work has AC.  I can afford a house with a basement.  To be homeless at a time like this is dangerous.  To be elderly at a time like this is dangerous too as sudden deaths in the elderly have spiked in BC this past week, much like in France in 2003 when almost 15,000 people died due to the heatwave.

I have no answers.  Right now I'm just trying to get through the days until we get a respite but it's obvious that climate change is occuring and we need to deal with it somehow.  It's not going to go away.