Last week there was snow and this week it's all gone.  I'm okay with that.  

Nothing interesting is going on really.  I feel stressed because of COVID and the rising number of cases in my city.  The provinicial government is cutting health care spending, fighting with the doctors and unions and generally being dicks.  The nurses, myself included, have been working throughout this pandemic.  We didn't get any time off, we can't work from home.  We do get to work short staffed often though because if someone has a sore throat or runny nose or a cough like I did last week, they have to stay home until they test negative.

Gracie got a full time job working in a homeless shelter for the next five months which is good but the hours suck and she still doesn't have her license because she failed her driver's test, so we're going to be looking after the little guy even more.  

My back hurts and I'm grumpy.  I'm tired of COVID, tired of the fucking American election and that orange turd they call president, I'm tired of my own government pushing an agenda of bullshit.  They want kids in elementary school to memorize bible verses, as poetry.  The schools can't talk about residential schools in elementary school because it's too sad.  It goes on, more drivel and bullshit.  It is racist and regressive.  

Something good.  

I can still laugh.  I'm thankful for that.  

The skies are still blue, even as the temperature continues to drop.    Thanksgiving is this weekend here and I'm stressed.  My sister in law, whom I haven't seen in seven years, is supposed to come for supper with my neice and nephew.  The problem is that COVID cases are spiking in Edmonton and I wonder if this is a good idea.  I thought about eating outside but it's supposed to be cold with the chance of rain on Saturday.  I'm still undecided which I don't like.  I like to know what's happening and like the rest of the world right now, I don't know what's happening.  

Work has been busy because, cancer.  Yesterday there was a patient who showed up for her MRI scan;  she didn't make it past screening at the front door but still, she came with a cough, runny nose, red nose and eyes, a fever and no mask.  Apparently once someone comes in our front door they become our responsibility so she was covered up and sent to Systemic to a get swab done, but not without first exposing all of the other patients waiting in line and the screeners at the front to her germs.  WTF.

We had our grandson the last two mornings.  Gracie starts work at seven, so she drops him off at our house at 5:45 and then we take him to daycare.  After work we pick him up from daycare, feed him supper, play with him and give him a bath before she picks him up at seven.  We're all tired and I'm thankful I have today off.

The little guy has discovered ketchup.  He's also discovered how much fun it is to play with our beagle.  When he has a piece of food in his hand, Lucy will chase him around the house, sniffing him, trying to get the food out of his hand.  She's surprisingly gentle with him and he laughs and snorts as he runs around the house with Lucy in hot pursuit.

He's such a sweet little guy and I love him so.  He does our hearts good.

It's a lovely fall day here.  The sun is shining and it's warm.  Our grandson is here because Gracie is working.  She had a meltdown the other day so he arrived on Wednesday and he's still here.  Yesterday he went to daycare but today he woke up with a runny nose and he's grumpy.  Right now he's sitting in his highchair watching cartoons while he eats goldfish crackers because he won't eat anything else.  The dogs are stragetically placed around his highchair, in hopes of getting something.

It's been a nice week off.  I painted the little guys bedroom this week, a very nice soft gray.  Never thought I would like gray but it looks nice.  I'm going to make him a flannel quilt this winter to put on the bed in his room.  Right now he's still in his crib.

I'm trying to avoid the news and the shit show that is the world and the US in particular.  So I painted and cooked and walked the dogs.  And I'm reading a book by Fredrik Backman, "Anxious People", which seems appropriate right now.  I like his writing.

I'm going to take the little guy for a long walk, away from people this afternoon to get some fresh air and sunshine for both of us because this time of year, you never know when the snow will arrive.

Stay safe my friends.

Beaver Hills Biosphere on Monday.

 Fall  has arrived and with it, my birthday.  I turned fifty-eight yesterday which seems unbelievable.  In two years I will turn sixty, math and all that.

We took Miss Katie out yesterday for a walk and lunch.  When I told her that it was my birthday she gave me such a big hug.  It was wonderful.  She didn't want to walk much but we did go to the mall and see the sea lions and buy her a new pair of pants that will stay up.  Then we had lunch and bought balloons.  She continues to enjoy her life and I am thankful for that.  

She's not liking the pandemic though as she's not allowed to take the bus which limits her outings and she is a social butterfly.  When we got her back to her place she plonked her ass on the sidewalk and wouldn't budge.  She's far too heavy to move easily now but the big guy was able to pick her up and get her inside.  Katie can't talk but she never fails to communicate.

A friend of mine from Australia called the other night and we talked for a long time.  Her husband has lymphoma and they're struggling.  I so wish I could help but I'm too far away.  I listened though and I hope that helped a little.

I took the dogs for a long walk yesterday at the dog park and the leaves are all changing color.  I took photos and the dogs ate grass and sniffed a lot of butts and the sun was shining.  It was lovely.

The big guy and I are off this week which is nice.  We'll get some things done and take walks and take photos.  I want to paint my grandson's room as well as put up the trim around the window and the put up the baseboards.  

Nothing much else.  I've been collecting burr oak acorns to replant in the spring in the hopes of planting them here and there in the spring.  I didn't know oak trees can live 500 years.  I'm almost finished reading "The Overstory".  It is sad but it makes me want to plants trees.  

I can do that.

 We drove past this field a couple of weeks ago and it was perfect, strangely perfect in a way.  Nature is much messier and even wheat fields are usually much messier.

I am continuing to work on my thoughts, cognitive behavior therapy.  My brain likes to fuck around with me but I continue the battle.  There was a dust up at work a couple of days ago which left me feeling like a bitch.  I was unprofessional in that I spoke to my coworker loudy, in front of patients, which I instantly regretted.  This particular coworker is a thorn in my side and she always pushes my buttons.  If I confront her, or anyone confronts her, she just looks at you and blinks a few times.  She says nothing, doesn't change ever, never takes responsibility for her actions and basically makes work unpleasant for everybody.  

But her behavior is not in my control, only mine is and I need to remember that.  We have a good manager now but this nurse has had managers for the past eighteen years that let her do as she pleases.  There have never been an consequences for her actions.  I'm not perfect, obviously, but I do try to always put my patients first.  Two days ago I failed.  I will try again.

Protecting vulnerable people has always been my thing.  I always tried to protect my mum from my dad and I think that's where I learned it.  But I need to remember what I can and can't control.  

Today is a new day.  I will not beat myself up but forgive myself, I hope.  I don't wear a hair shirt but I might as well.  This self flagellation does me no good.  I tried and I failed.  I will try again.  

I saw this on Stubblejumpers blog and I loved it.  I didn't stab anybody.  Nobody died.  I am human, not an excuse but a reason to learn and grow.

We have little birds here called pine siskins.  They show up in the fall and flutter about for a few weeks, emptying the bird feeders.  They come in flocks;  I'll look outside in the yard and see fifty birds flitting about.  It's lovely.

Yesterday when we got home after work the big guy noticed a dead bird laying on the feeder.  I went outside with a plastic bag and picked it up.  It weighed nothing in my hand.  

This week at work I've been orientating new staff.  I talked, a lot.  Hopefully, I taught as well.  I like to show people how to do the job but I also like to explain why we do what we do.  Why I pull back on the needle just a little once I get blood and then advance the catheter into the vein, why I joke with patients, why we need to know what a patient's kidney function is, why we need to know if the patient is taking metformin, why we use oral contrast and why we use IV contrast, and what organs need IV contrast to be seen.

Then there is also the cancer knowledge that I've gleaned over the years.  Which cancers like to metastasize to the brain, and which cancers prefer the spinal column.  Which chemo drugs need to be infused through central lines and why.  Which cancers grow the fastest and which cancers respond best to treatment.  What a heavy tumor load can do to the body and why.    

There is so much information that needs to be imparted that it overwhelms me at times.  This is probably why I find teaching so tiring, I don't want to miss anything.  We don't have a clinical educator in our department so that means the staff nurses do the teaching and some know more than others which means that teaching can be inconsistent.  I think I need to make up an orientation manual for new nurses, in my spare time obviously:)  I'll take it up with my manager.  I was looking for a project to keep me interested in work.

I'm feeling fine these days which is nice.  My grandson is well.  

I spoke with a girlfriend the other night for a long time. We talked about cancer, she has cancer, and family and kids and life.  We laughed too.  I love her.

Life is good today and everyday I'm working at taking care of myself.  I make a point of walking the dogs, even when I'm tired.  I called a friend.  I'm reading a wonderful book.  I'm learning to forgive myself and to stop accepting the anger of others.  And I will fail again and I will become depressed again and I will get back up again.  I tell my young nurses that it's okay to fail, to make mistakes, because that's how we learn but I have not given myself that same grace.  

We are all works in progress.

 

 

I'm reading a book right now, "The Overstory" by Richard Powers which is about trees, those sentinent beings that play the long story and dwarf our own short stories.

I'm working on the positive, keeping my brain on an even keel, filling my own cup, blah, blah, blah.  It's hard work.  My husband said that it seems I must like being unhappy because that's where I go so often.  It's not that I like unhappy, it's that it's familiar.  Crisis followed by crisis, it's what I'm used to, not just at work but in my family as well.  It's the peace and quiet, the contenment that's hard to accept because it is so unfamiliar.

But I'm trying, my god, I'm trying.  And trees they help me the most, the sound of them, the color of them, the fact that they exist, all make me feel better and for that I am deeply thankful.