We drove past this field a couple of weeks ago and it was perfect, strangely perfect in a way.  Nature is much messier and even wheat fields are usually much messier.

I am continuing to work on my thoughts, cognitive behavior therapy.  My brain likes to fuck around with me but I continue the battle.  There was a dust up at work a couple of days ago which left me feeling like a bitch.  I was unprofessional in that I spoke to my coworker loudy, in front of patients, which I instantly regretted.  This particular coworker is a thorn in my side and she always pushes my buttons.  If I confront her, or anyone confronts her, she just looks at you and blinks a few times.  She says nothing, doesn't change ever, never takes responsibility for her actions and basically makes work unpleasant for everybody.  

But her behavior is not in my control, only mine is and I need to remember that.  We have a good manager now but this nurse has had managers for the past eighteen years that let her do as she pleases.  There have never been an consequences for her actions.  I'm not perfect, obviously, but I do try to always put my patients first.  Two days ago I failed.  I will try again.

Protecting vulnerable people has always been my thing.  I always tried to protect my mum from my dad and I think that's where I learned it.  But I need to remember what I can and can't control.  

Today is a new day.  I will not beat myself up but forgive myself, I hope.  I don't wear a hair shirt but I might as well.  This self flagellation does me no good.  I tried and I failed.  I will try again.  

I saw this on Stubblejumpers blog and I loved it.  I didn't stab anybody.  Nobody died.  I am human, not an excuse but a reason to learn and grow.