We have little birds here called pine siskins.  They show up in the fall and flutter about for a few weeks, emptying the bird feeders.  They come in flocks;  I'll look outside in the yard and see fifty birds flitting about.  It's lovely.

Yesterday when we got home after work the big guy noticed a dead bird laying on the feeder.  I went outside with a plastic bag and picked it up.  It weighed nothing in my hand.  

This week at work I've been orientating new staff.  I talked, a lot.  Hopefully, I taught as well.  I like to show people how to do the job but I also like to explain why we do what we do.  Why I pull back on the needle just a little once I get blood and then advance the catheter into the vein, why I joke with patients, why we need to know what a patient's kidney function is, why we need to know if the patient is taking metformin, why we use oral contrast and why we use IV contrast, and what organs need IV contrast to be seen.

Then there is also the cancer knowledge that I've gleaned over the years.  Which cancers like to metastasize to the brain, and which cancers prefer the spinal column.  Which chemo drugs need to be infused through central lines and why.  Which cancers grow the fastest and which cancers respond best to treatment.  What a heavy tumor load can do to the body and why.    

There is so much information that needs to be imparted that it overwhelms me at times.  This is probably why I find teaching so tiring, I don't want to miss anything.  We don't have a clinical educator in our department so that means the staff nurses do the teaching and some know more than others which means that teaching can be inconsistent.  I think I need to make up an orientation manual for new nurses, in my spare time obviously:)  I'll take it up with my manager.  I was looking for a project to keep me interested in work.

I'm feeling fine these days which is nice.  My grandson is well.  I haven't heard from my son which is always a boon.  I need to remember that he is a sociopath.  The only time he ever contacts me is if he wants something.  He manipulates me, always.  He lies, always.  It is a sad fact but one which I need to accept.

I spoke with a girlfriend the other night for a long time. We talked about cancer, she has cancer, and family and kids and life.  We laughed too.  I love her.

Life is good today and everyday I'm working at taking care of myself.  I make a point of walking the dogs, even when I'm tired.  I called a friend.  I'm reading a wonderful book.  I'm learning to forgive myself and to stop accepting the anger of others.  And I will fail again and I will become depressed again and I will get back up again.  I tell my young nurses that it's okay to fail, to make mistakes, because that's how we learn but I have not given myself that same grace.  

We are all works in progress.