My son fell off the wagon.  He was supposed to come over for supper on July 1st, instead he and his girlfriend got drunk and fought.  He smashed her TV and hit her.  This is the second time that he has hit a woman, that I know of.  The only reason I know what happened is that he left his phone behind and his girlfriend messaged me on his phone.  His defense is that he doesn't remember.  That is not an acceptable defense to me.  He is no longer welcome in my house and I am coming to terms with having an alcoholic son.  It breaks my heart and there is nothing I can do to fix him.

I'm coming to term with the fact that I basically have not control over anything.  I never did but now I'm starting to understand.  Not a fast learner.

I'm feeling out of sorts, not sad, not mad, just out of sorts.  The hunt is still on for a new group home for Miss Katie.  I am hopeful.  Last Friday the behavior specialist came out to my home to go over her recommendations for Katie.  She is not fond of the agency who now cares for Katie and especially dislikes that Katie is in a wheelchair with a cape on.  The agency's way of dealing with Katie's behavior was to put more and more and more restrictions on her.  I feel like I have failed her in someway.  It's one of those things though that happens gradually and it's not until you look back that you can see how far things have gone off the rails.  There is also the divide between the management at Katie's agency and the caregivers.  Most of the caregivers are sad and concerned that Katie has been evicted.  The management blames me and Katie for Katie's eviction.  

So I am hopeful that we find a better place for her to live with an agency that truly does want Katie to be her best and enjoy her life, not just put in time on this planet.

Things I am thankful for today.

A day off in the middle of the week.
I see my massage therapist and my counsellor today.
The sun just peeked through the clouds.
Rain last night.
Cinnamon toast for breakfast.
Time.

I have a knack for pissing people off.  It is my super power as it were.  Two days ago we had a young boy come in for a conformal brain MRI.  The only time we get children is when they need brain radiation and it's never good.  They don't survive.  It buys their family time and maybe improves symptoms.

This little guy is seven, one eye looking the wrong way, probably because of where the tumor is.  His parents and big sister were with him.  The only good thing about children is that they don't know they're dying at this stage, but their parents do and it often feels like a funeral procession walking down the hallway.

I had to start his IV for the MRI scan.  His parents had been told by the staff downstairs in radiation that he wouldn't need an IV.  The staff downstairs were wrong.  The mother was upset because she could have put emla cream on to numb the little guy's skin before the needle poke but she was given the wrong information.  The little guy was stressed because he didn't think he would be getting poked.

I checked with the MRI techs and it was going to be about forty minutes before the little guy was going on the table so I found a vein that looked good and his mom put emla on his skin and I told them to come back in thirty minutes for the IV start and the emla should have helped numb the skin by then.

Then  I called downstairs and left a message for the staff who told the family that he wouldn't need an IV.  I told them he was going to need an IV, that they had given the family the wrong information and had caused a lot of stress for a little guy.  I was not rude but I was assertive.  Two of the MRI techs heard me leave the message.

Later, after the IV start, after the little guy vomited due to stress, after the MRI scan, a message was left on the nursing phone by one of the staff downstairs.  She was obviously angry and said she didn't appreciate the message I had left.

So I went into MRI and told the supervisor that if there was any fallout from this incident, that I was to blame.  He didn't care.  Radiation had sent the patient up without any warning, the whole thing was a shit show, he was frustrated with radiation.  I said that I had a knack for pissing people off and laughed but I also felt bad.  I was advocating for me patient, I was giving information and felt I had been misunderstood.

One of the young techs, also a psych major, said that when people have such an angry response it's usually because they know they are at fault in some way and it was a way to deflect blame, to protect themselves.  I'd never thought of that but it makes sense.  I'm pretty sure I do the same thing without thinking.

I then told her about my sister and my mum dying and my sister's anger with me.  She wondered if my sister did in some way feel responsible for my mum's death and for how poorly she treated my mum in the last year of my mum's life.  I don't think my sister was responsible for my mum's death but I do hold her responsible for hurting my mum's feelings.  My mum felt like a burden when she died because of what my sister said to her.  My sister told mum she should be in a nursing home, not an option I supported.

So perhaps my super power is pissing people off because I hold up a mirror.  It's not my intent to piss people of but I do strive for the truth.  I know we all lie to ourselves, me included, but I do try to look at myself honestly which causes me all kinds of stress because as a human being I am a messy individual with conflicting ideas, believes, values and intentions.  It's not easy being human.

When the big guy and I came back from holidays on Wednesday, the cat had stopped eating.  Not only had she stopped eating but she had vomited throughout the whole house, always a lovely way to come home.  Poor thing, we took her to the vet who did bloodwork and an x-ray but couldn't find anything wrong with her.  He gave us medicine to stimulate her appetite which only made her vomit more.  I tried mixing some food with water and gave it to her by syringe which was only partially successful;  this involved wrapping the cat in a towel and the big guy holding her tightly while I grabbed her head and opened her mouth while I injected the contents of the syringe into her mouth and then held her mouth shut.  I ended up with a fair number of puncture wounds on my fingers and the big guy was covered in scratches but the cat kept the little bit of food down.

Yesterday I came up with the idea of tuna shakes.  I took a can of tuna, added water and liquified it.  Totally disgusting but the cat liked it.  She slowly started to take a little by herself so I offered her the shake throughout the day.  She especially liked it warmed up.  Made me gag.

This morning she said hello like her old self and even ate a little of her food.  She seems to be on the mend.

Tonight my son and his new girlfriend are coming over for supper.  I haven't seen my son since January when we told him he had to leave.  He's sober now even went to AA once that he told me of.  I am wary but hopeful.  We'll see.

I'm back from holidays and I'm just in the process of looking through my photos.  This is a shot of Overlander Falls on the first day of our trip.

We stayed in Vancouver and Ucluelet.  I got to visit with my middle daughter which I enjoyed so much.  She's grown into a lovely young woman, still bossy but with far fewer of the sharp edges that she had as a teenager.  I always worry that my children won't love me, it is a constant fear of mine which is so sad I know.  I stops me from being honest with them at times.  I worry about the big guy getting tired of me as well and that he will stop loving me.  It is my greatest fear I guess, of being unloved, of being unlovable, although that is probably the black dog of depression talking to me.  He lurks always in my mind, waiting to pounce.  It is a daily battle to deal with depression, something that most people don't understand.

But enough about the dark side of my mind.  There is also a bright side, a funny side, a grateful side, a silly side.  Humor gets me through so much.  And the natural world.  The natural world always makes me feel better.  We spent most of our time on beaches or wandering through forests.  It was beautiful and healing.

This photos was taken in Cathedral Grove.  It feels like a holy place, tall trees all around, dead trees laying on the ground providing sustenance for the new growth.  A circle of life.  A reminder that we are born, we live, we die.

My favorite beach, Schooner Cove.  A quiet cove that  requires nothing of me, allows me to just be.

I'm thankful to be home but miss the coast already, or perhaps I miss the nothing required of me while on holidays.  I come home to duty and responsibilities and obligations, none of which are bad things but are things which I allow myself to be dragged down by.  A post holiday funk.

Probably time to work in the garden.

PS I spent 3 hours in the garden and feel much better.

I'm on holidays now for two weeks and I am thankful. Our bags are packed.  The fridge is empty.  The gas tank is full.  Vancouver Island awaits.

The River - written and performed by Coco Love Alcorn

Tangle Creek Falls, probably my favorite waterfall.

I'm off today which is lovely.  The last two days at work were basically a shit show.  One problem after another.  A patient with an occluded superior vena cava, another patient with a sky high creatinine result and a woman near death, sent to us for enrollment in a clinical trial.  Plus an oncologist who often fails to plan ahead and now needs an "emergency" central line for his patient.

I spent two days sorting our problems that were not my fault, not of my making but became my responsibility.  At the end of the two days, the problems were dealt with but it angers me when people don't do their jobs well, leaving it for others to pick up the pieces.

The patient who was sent to us yesterday for a clinical trial enrollments, was in Vegas a week and a half ago with her daughters.  She now only has days to live.  She's mostly comatose.  Vital signs declining.  Her oncologist came to assess her and talk to the husband.  The oncologist, a man who is also a patient of ours as he too has cancer, was kind and gentle when he talked to the patient's husband.  He explained that the cancer is too advanced for any further treatment and that his wife needs to be kept comfortable now in the few days she has left.  The husband was okay with that.   I'm thankful that she's not in pain and that she had a holiday with her daughters while she was still able too.

It's heartbreaking sometimes this job.

So today is nice.  I got the results of my biopsy.  No cancer.  No need to do anything.  Walked the dog.  Listened to birds singing.  And now I sit.

The big guy and I are off on our holiday in just over a week.  We're heading to Vancouver Island which I'm looking forward to.  One of my sister's lives there but I don't think we'll be stopping by to visit.  She is draining and her husband won't allow our dog in the house so not really feeling it.

The search for a new home continues for Miss Katie.  I don't imagine it will happen quickly.  She is doing well though.  We took her out last weekend and had a lovely visit.  No aggression at all.  I'm thankful for the meds that are holding her aggression in check.  It's not easy being Katie.  She lives in a world that doesn't really want her and doesn't make allowances, in my opinion, for her deficits.  She can't talk but she can read body language like nobody's business.  Sadly she gets in wrong, misinterpreting the fear she sees around her.  It's fear of her but she doesn't understand that.  She lives in a state of high anxiety,  always vigilant.

I might be a little like that too now that I think of it:)

Today I'm thankful for the sound of the leaves in the trees as the wind blows.