I tried to take Katie to Fort Edmonton on Sunday because I know it closes for the season soon.  We got there at 10:30 and it was closed.  Apparently they changed the hours of operation but I didn't know until we got there.  We weren't about to hang around for an hour and a half, so I took her for a walk along the river for some fresh air.  She got to pet some friendly dogs and said hi to everyone who was running the race that was going on.  We also ran into someone who knew Katie from Little Bits Theraputic Riding.  Edmonton is a large city now and it always surprises me when we meet people who know Katie.

I had my birthday on Saturday.  I always find birthdays don't meet expectations, a lot like Christmas day.  I'm sixty-three now.  Still waiting for my wisdom:)

I went to pottery yesterday and had a lovely time.  The ladies there are wonderful, supportive, and funny.  The two new ladies are sisters which I didn't realize.  They are also funny as hell.  I managed to make a large fruit bowl.  It wasn't perfect but I stopped messing with it because the longer I mess with things, the more damage I do.  I let it go.  It's a good lesson for life and perhaps pottery should be a mandatory course in school.

The Wednesday course that Jack and I are going to too had a slide about what children want/need.

1. Love

2. Empathy

3. Connection

It made me think about my son and I realized I want to repair our relationship.  He's says he's sober, but time will tell.  I'm not about to rush into anything, but I do love him, despite everything.  I put a wall around my heart years ago when it came to dealing with him, but walls don't really protect people, they just keep us apart from others. The same with anger and grudges and resentment.  All of those keep us from letting people in.  We hold them close like they are the most precious things in our lives, when really all they do is isolate us, making it even harder for us to love, and be loved.

My dad could never let anyone close to him either and it caused so much pain and suffering in our family, for all of us, and most especially for him I think.  It's no way to live, or die.

Enough sad for now, made myself cry.

The fall equinox has come and gone.  The sun rises in the east again, briefly, before it heads further south in the sky.  It's that time of year and I love the golden light that shines into my kitchen.

And a funny.

 

 Hops from my walk the other day.  Apparently hops are female and naturally bitter, much like myself:)

I've had a cold for a couple of days, nothing terrible, cough and phelgm, hasn't slowed me down much thank goodness.  Charlie got a slightly shorter walk yesterday as a result, and I only worked in the yard for about 45 minutes.  I'm in the process of picking up all the tiny pears that are falling from our tree.  The pears are not big enough to eat, about the size of a small plum tomato.  Tedious work.  The front yard has tiny, tiny crapapples, the size of small grapes that need to be raked and picked up as well.

A couple of days ago, while walking Charlie, I spotted a man standing in the midle of the road, talking on his phone.  He was there for awhile and as I got closer, he still didn't move.  I went up to him and gently suggested he move to the sidewalk.  He told me to get away, then called me crazy, and then called me a Karen.  I yelled back at him, "I hope you get run over", because I'm classy like that.

As I walked away from him, he was still yelling at me.  WTF!  I was worried about the guy, wondered if he had dementia.  Turns out he was just an entitled, old, white guy.  If he's still married, I feel sorry for his wife.  I'm tired of entitled men who think the world is all about them as they cut you off in traffic, or tailgate you while you drive the speed limit.  

Of course I started crying as I finished my walk home, because strong emotions do that to me, make me cry.  The last time I came across a man standing in the middle of the road he was a very sweet man who was confused and had a head injury.  Nobody stopped for him, they just drove around him.  I stopped for him and called 911 and stayed with him until help came.

One man was indegenous, one was white.  That says a lot right there.

I'm so tired of the racism, sexism, ableism, ageism, homophobia, transphobia, and religious discrimination.  trump and his ilk (Danielle Smith in this province) promote this sort of division because it suits their purpose.  Give the people someone to hate, to blame all of their problems on, and they'll leave the politicians alone to pursue their own agenda.

It's horrible and I can't block it out because it's everywhere right now.

As I told Boud, I'm going to buy some wool and start crocheting again, and walk my dogs, because dogs are better than people.  And I'll work in the yard where nobody calls me crazy and my plants grow beautiful flowers for me.

Sunflowers on the deck.

My hubby's sister and her partner came over for supper last weekend.  We found out that apparently we are trying to force his mother into a nursing home, not something either one of us was aware of, at least that's what the other sister is telling people.  We haven't heard from or seen his mother since his father died two years ago.  I hate people spreading lies about me.  

I started up my pottery classes again yesterday.  There were two new ladies there, both widows, lovely, funny women.  One of them is a death doula which I found fascinating, the other is an artist and they moved into together four months ago to keep each other company.  Seems like an excellent way to deal with loneliness.

The one lady was telling us that she had gone on a date, by accident; she didn't realize it was a date.  The guy was creepy, tried to kiss her, told her she had man hands (which he thought was sexy).  He asked how her husband had died and while she talked, he scrolled through instagram, looking at memes.  She finally told him that he obviously wasn't interested and she was leaving.  He kept texting her and when she said she only wanted a friend, he told her that she needed to get laid.  He was sixty-five.  She blocked his number. 

And me?  Hubby is sick but insisted on going to work today.  Jack is fine, going to school five days a week, so lunches every morning for a boy who will only eat cheese (options are limited).  The rental house should be finished today and the work on my own garden is coming along nicely.

I thought about my son and Gracie the other day, how they want to spend time with Jack, but both of them wanting it to be more exciting than it really is.  Child rearing is so boring, schedules, routines, and boredom.  I had forgotten how boring it was.  It was much worse with Katie, I had three children, always tired and stressed, but she needed so much predictability and stability, so much sameness.  Every night was the same.  It was a daily grind.

And now I feel the same way again.  Bored.  I need to find something to do in the evenings.  I'm restless and it's only September, usually I don't feel this way until February and winter has dragged on for far too long.  

I'm bored, which is funny, considering how stressful this month has been so far, but now that the house has been dealt with, I'm "now what".  I'm retired.  I'm raising a six year old.  I have limited adult contact during the day.  I need to find something else to do.

Fall is upon us, although the weather doesn't quite match up.  The days are just as hot as this past summer, but at least the nights are cool, which means the house can cool off.

I made the mistake of working in the rental house yard on Friday and ended up with a mild case of heat stroke I think.  It was hot and I was working hard in the sun, and I'm not young anymore.  I was very wobbly, dizzy, headache, nausea, dry skin, and just generally felt awful.  I came home, had a shower, lay down in the basement and still didn't feel better.  Then I got cold and went upstairs to lay on my bed, with my fleece pyjamas on.  I couldn't sleep but I couldn't get up either, just lay there feeling crappy.

Finally after a few hours I felt a little better and had ice cream and toast for supper.

I'm feeling gun shy about being outside in the heat now, with still more work needed.  Slow down I guess.

Jack went to visit his grandma yesterday and stayed overnight so we had a little free time.  Hubby's sister and her husband came over for supper.  They're nice enough, but a couple of odd ducks.  They also both talk as much as Jack:)

I took Katie out for lunch today and she's doing well.  Her forehead skin as actually healed for the first time in what feels like years.  She has permanent scars on her forehead and usually has either an open wound or scabs.  She's happy, happy enough to not bang her head on the floor.  Big win.

The cleaners are still working on the house but the best news is that all the cat pee and poop have been cleaned up.  I may buy some sage and smudge the house before the new owners move in.

Otherwise, life goes on.  

Because the world needs more smiles right now.  

 

Some before and after photos of the rental's backyard that has been neglected for the past eight years (this one is on me and the hubby).  Aspen has invaded the yard and my lord those things grow fast.  The mountain ash tree is dying so it sent out hundreds of suckers it seems.  The apple tree had gotten out of hand too, not to mention the fact that the renter had not cut the grass in the last two years (I know, we should have inspected the property on a regular basis but we didn't).  Steve would have loved the yard.

I've been depressed for the past couple of weeks, tired beyond belief, and feeling so down.  Yesterday in the shower I thought, I could just drown myself, and then it hit me, Pepcid.  I have reflux and I take Pepcid occasionally but I've also been taking advil for sore muscles from the yard work which means more Pepcid.  One of the side effects of Pepcid for me is depression with suicidal ideation.  It's a fine line between reflux and depression for me.  This time depression won again.  I've bought more tums and will treat the heartburn with tums again.  I've stopped the Pepcid and feel better already this morning.  Fuck I hate depression.  

We've sold the rental house, or conditionally sold it I guess.  We didn't need to use a realtor as the next door neighbor's son wants to buy it.  We had cleaners come in yesterday, they'll be back today and tomorrow if need be.  Apparently they've seen worse.  I don't see how people can live like that.  I think part of how I feel is betrayed and resentful.  We went out of our way to help the young woman who was living there and this is how she repaid us.  It feels like a slap in the face and we've had a lot of those.

I had three renters in my condo and the first two left if filthy.  Hubby's daughter lived in the rental, rent free, and left in a huff and told us we could never see her children again.  Then Gracie, flooded the place, destroyed the flooring and some drywall, walked away from all her garbage, and now this last woman.  It felt like no deed goes unpunished and I think that contributed a lot to how I felt too.  The past came flooding back.

One of things about people with ADHD is that they have strong feelings about justice, and all of this garbage and crap left behind from everybody else, left for us to clean up, feels unjust.  I clean up my  messes.  I can't even imagine leaving behind the mess that was left behind for other people to clean up and I'm so tired of cleaning up other people's messes, not just garbage, but emotional messes too.

The other day Jack was asking questions about his mama and we ended up having a discussion about her addictions, her abuse of him, her arrest, his time in foster care, and what came next.  I kept the discussion at a level for a six year old but I shouldn't have to have a conversation with a six year old child about shit like this and that makes me sad and angry too, cleaning up Gracie's mess.

I guess it's been a stressful month, I just didn't realize how stressful.  

Some ladybugs I found under a tiny piece of wood that I moved.  A loveliness of ladybugs, huddled together to stay warm.

I've been so tired lately, shockingly tired, dragging my ass tired.  Not sure why.  I feel down too but not sure if it's just depression or something else.  The beauty of mental illness, you're never really sure:)

I worked at the rental house again yesterday, cutting back trees and bushes that had gotten out of hand.  I have a large pile which will need to be removed and I'll call a service tomorrow and see if they will come and put the stuff through a chipper.  No sense in all that good stuff going to a landfill when it could be used as mulch.

I also have a crew of cleaners coming on Tuesday and Wednesday to clean the house, including the cat pee and poop in the basement.  I'm thankful they're going to clean it all up and not me.  Our renter has said she will pay some of the cost of garbage removal, half of it was her stuff.  Gracie refuses to pay anything because she never takes responsibility for her actions.  She only blames others, and even said it was our fault because if we hadn't claimed Jack as a dependent, she would have the money (I'm damned sure she wouldn't have paid for anything, even if she had the money, because it's always someone else's fault).

Jack can read a little now and he happened to see a file on my desktop that said his name and CRA (Canada Revenue Agency).  He asked what that was about and I told him that we had to apply to the tax agency to have him as our dependent.  He said, "So you can keep me?"

I said, "Yes, so we can keep you.  Do you want us to keep you?"

He said, "Yes".

So we're keeping him.  He's so sweet sometimes.  The rental house and all the junk in it was a treasure trove for him and he ended up bringing some balls home, a MarioKart game, a golf ball, a key, a marker, a penny, and a few other treasures.  The MarioKart game kept him busy all morning.  You lay out an AI assist track on the floor, and then the car has a remote control.  He loved setting out the track.

The big guy has gone over the rental because the neighbor's son is interested in buying it.  Both the neighbor and his son are contractors (builders in England), and the work that needs to be done on the house doesn't scare them.  Good.  I guess we'll see.

I need a laugh:)  I should probably get that shirt.

I'll be missing in action for a little while.  We have to get our rental ready for sale.  The young lady moved out and left a mess, not all of it hers, some of it was from four years ago when Gracie walked away from all of her shit.  

We had a company come and haul away 7 loads of garbage and furniture for a cost of $4000.  I know.  The place is still filthy, including cat pee and poop back from when Gracie lived there.  Apparently her cats pulled the insulation off the walls in the crawl space and peed and pooped all over it.  It will take more money to clean the place up.

I'm in the yard cutting back loads of growth from the last eight years, that ones on me, or us.  We should have kept up with it but didn't.  It's often easier to just close your eyes and pretend everything is fine.

So I'm cleaning up the yard which will be at the very least one more load to the dump.  I came home because I need my chainsaw:)

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, although we don't celebrate it, and often don't even notice it was our anniversary until after the fact.  This is my hubby, the big guy (he's 6'5"); it's so nice to see him smiling.  We've been together for fourteen years now.  We were both divorced when we met and I swore I would never remarry, but I did.  And now we're raising a six year old which has been hard on our relationship and hard on us in general.  Neither one of us thought we'd be raising a child at this age, but here we are.  

We have different ways of parenting, as do most parents.  We've also done this before and seen the results.  Jack has ADHD, and I have the advantage there, as two of my kids have ADHD, so I think Jack is pretty normal (fucking tiring, but normal).  My husband did not raise a child with ADHD and finds it difficult at times; fortunately he is a calm, patient man.  Both of us feel unappreciated by the rest of Jack's family, we have that in common.

Otherwise, not much.  Jack started school and promptly came down with a virus.  He's better now, no fever today, just a cough.  We saw his doc this morning and she confirmed he has asthma and put him on a steroid inhaler, along with the ventolin when needed as a rescue inhaler.

I'm so tired.  I don't know why.  I do the same things, but I drag as I do them.  I just took the dogs for a walk and it was hard to keep going.  Now I feel like having a nap, but Jack will be home soon.  The threat of a teachers strike looms large as our useless premier blames the teachers and schools for all the problems of underfunding.

My husband built this beautiful shed this summer and I love it.  I'm calling it our anniversary gift to each other.

And now for some funny, because god knows we all need it.