Winter is upon us, dogs scattered around the house, along with lego and blankets.  More time is spent inside, playing lego or games.  I signed Jack up for swimming lessons, I remembered, but they don't start until next month.  I also signed myself up for pottery lessons in the new year.  I tried to find a photography class but came up empty handed which was weird.  I did join an Edmonton photography group on Facebook and I'll see how that goes.  

I'm still having a hard time being retired, not sure who I am anymore if I'm not a nurse.  I also find that the days just slip away with laundry, housework, and cooking.  I thought I would have more time for myself but unless I carve some time out for myself, I don't thinks that's going to happen, hence, the pottery class.  It is a commitment to myself.  

I worked yesterday and hugged three patients, with their permission.  One patient had been given two years to live, nine years ago.  I remember her and I'm so glad that she's still on the right side of the grass.  She managed to get divorced, has a new relationsip, and she's happy.  Another young woman with a two year old and an eleven month old, was just diagnosed with uterine cancer.  If I had recieved that news, I would have been a puddle. There was a third patient but I can't for the life of me remember who it was.  It was a busy day yesterday, but nothing bad happened.  As always, I was exhausted after the eight hours.  I think in the new year, I will cut back the shifts I'll take to four or six hours, and fewer shifts.  I need to start the next chapter of my life, figure out who I am when I'm not nursing.  

Steve from London was the inspiration for the orchid below.  He rescues plants and has lovely orchids.  I've never been able to get an orchid to grow or flower.  I also like to see a flower or two in the winter, so I took myself to the nursery a couple of months ago to try to buy an orchid.  They're so expensive, and as I told the lady who was helping me, I also have a cat that may, or may not, destroy the plant.  She pointed me towards the half price table and I picked out this one.  It had no flowers on it, just a stem, but I thought, what the hell.  And then it started to grow and put out buds.   It makes me happy.

 

Miss Katie is still not doing well with the new antipsychotic she's on, very restless and agitated.  The bladder infection seems to have resolved though, so that's good.

I still need to walk the dogs, but I'm waiting for it to warm up a little and the sun has come up, which is much nicer.  Sunrise was 8:43am this morning and not much longer to the solstice.  The days will get longer soon, with a respite from the dark.  I'm off to lunch with a friend today, because I need to cultivate friendships away from work.  Nothing grows without time and attention.

It rained here on the weekend, I can't even remember what day now, but then it started snowing.  As you can see, the snow was able to pile up on everything and it's beautiful.  It truly does look like what you would imagine a winter wonderland would look like.  I took Heidi to the off leash yesterday, leaving Charlie at home (because he's a dick I told him).  She and I had an amazing walk.

Miss Katie is not doing well, again, or still.  She may have a urinary tract infection and I did manage to get her pharmacist to start her on antibiotics (pharmacists here can now prescribe some drugs without a doctor's order).  She spent yesterday crying and screaming, not sure if it was her bladder or something else.  I tried taking her to emergency last night, a seven hour wait to see a doc, so I gave up and took her home. I dosed her with advil and a sleeping pill; she wasn't crying or screaming this morning.  She's on antibiotics now, so either things will improve, or they won't.

Jack has his Christmas concert today.  He said,  "You can't come because you don't know the words to the song."  I told him I was not going to sing, just watch him sing.  Then he said, "You can come."  The other night I gave him a few small cookies for his dessert and I grabbed one out of his bowl before I gave it to him.  He said, "How dare you!".  And last week, as he's walking around and around the kitchen island, while I'm doing dishes, he looks at me and says, "What the hippocampus?"  and then he adds, for my benefit apparently, "It's in the brain."  

This is the same kid that can't find the remote that he put on the couch beside him.

It's been another difficult week, man I'm tired of those kind of weeks.  Katie continues to struggle but her behavior has gotten much worse since starting on her new medication, much worse.  She is not sleeping or eating, and she keeps stripping off her clothes and urinating on the floor.  She seems almost manic, very restless and agitated, all side effects of the drug.  I did mention this to the doctor, and at first he seemed to dismiss it, but then he did change her to another drug.  We'll see how that goes.

On Tuesday I had a very sick patient, who looked like she was dying.  She is dying, but she looked like she was going to go while she was with us.  Her blood pressure was dangerously low, 44/32, at one point but the cardiologist who is caring for her right now, refused to let us give her fluids because of her congestive heart failure.  We were worried all day that she was going to code on us because of her blood pressure.  It was a huge shit show with ambulances to get her back to the UAH, but she was finally returned to the cardiology unit that she was on and proceeded to code.  She survived thankfully, for now.

I'm tired of doctors who refuse to listen to nurses, and I'm tired of men who refuse to listen to women.  I've been a nurse for thirty-eight years and I've seen a lot of sick people and I've cared for a lot of people who are dying.  I trust my gut.  Sometimes I can't tell you what is wrong with a patient, but I can tell you that there is something wrong with a patient.  

I had a young woman with ovarian cancer a few years ago and something wasn't right.  I ended up talking to her surgeon/onocologist by phone, while the doc was in surgery.  She believed me and asked me to send the patient to emerg at the Alex.  I did and the patient had emergency surgery that evening.  

Right now my husband has been unwell for six months and refuses to see a doctor.  I'm scared he's really sick and I've told him that, but he still refuses to see a doctor.  I'm so tired of having my knowledge and experience treated like it's nothing.