I feel down today, not sure why.  It will pass, at least I understand and believe that now.  I took the dogs for walks yesterday as it was going to be too cold to walk them for a few days.  Charlie looks like no trouble at all.  

Katie is still having a hard time with the new drug.  She's restless and agitated but not violent which is good. I brought Katie home on Saturday because I wanted to see how she was doing.  She was okay, but not herself.  She didn't hurt me or even try but it was like there was something pushing her from the inside.  Katie makes a noise all the time, I don't even know how to spell it, but it is her sound.  It's almost like a question, or a demand for attention.  Usually when she's happy, there is a longer time between the sounds.  On Saturday she was making that noise every 1-2 seconds.  It upset me because it's not her usual, something isn't right. 

I emailed Elizabeth in LA, asking for her advice, or the advice of anyone she knows about antipsychotic drugs (Elizabeth has a disabled daughter and a wide network of people with disabled children).  She didn't know of anything but suggested we try marijuana again.  Katie's primary caregiver at her group home suggested the same.

I tried Katie on marijuana a few years ago.  It helped but it was a horrible hassle to give to her because it was restricted and so many rules.  Now it's legal and comes in quite a huge variety.  My middle daughter uses CBD oil for her anxiety and to help her sleep; she finds it quite helpful.  So yesterday I went off to a dispensary and bought some gummies with 50mg of CBD in them.  I took one and waited.  Nothing really happened, other than I noticed the voice in my head, that never fucking shuts up, was silent.  I had a hard time falling asleep though, which I don't like, but that's not new either.

Katie has another appointment on Friday so I'll bring it up with her psychiatrist and listen to his feedback.  I have a lot of problems with side effects from drugs, like my dad did.  If there was a side effect, he would have it, in the days before the internet.  He wasn't looking anything up, it was just happening to him.

Today a lot of research has been done on drugs and how they are metabolized in the body.  If you look a drug up on Wikepedia, it will even tell you which enzyme is responsible for metabolizing the drug in your body.  And here's the thing about enzymes, they are produced by genes and are subject to inhibitors, inducers and genetic differences.  There are people who don't metabolize drugs well and they seem to suffer more side effects from drugs, like my dad, me, and I'm guessing Katie.  

Docs don't believe me when I tell them some of the strange side effects I experience, like suicidal ideation from Pepcid, but it's happened to me enough times that I know what it is and what's causing it.  I can take Pepcid sporadically but if I take it regularly for more than a week, I think about killing myself, a lot.  Diclonfenac cream, the kind that you rub on the sore joint, I tried that almost twenty years ago.  A week of insomnia.  Doc wouldn't believe me but today you can find the side effect easily on the internet.

So I'm wondering if reducing the dose of Katie's new antipsychotic would help, still control the violence towards herself and others, but also reduce the agitation she is experiencing.  I don't know but I want to try it.  And maybe a CBD gummy to help take the edge off.
 

And the moon photo?  It's called a cold moon and won't be seen again until 2043, god only knows what shape I'll be in then.  So I got up off my ass, found my husband's telephoto lens, trudged outside and took a photo.  It's actually the first moon photo I've taken.