As so often happens here, spring has been short and swift.  Fires are still burning to the north and to the west of us and the smoke descends upon us at times.  I found this photo of the fire a couple of weeks ago that came close to the dog park.  That's what we saw when we were turned east off the highway.

I'm feeling low, sad over putting down Lucy.  She was a sweet dog and a pain in the ass at times.  She was a beagle, so completely food driven and relentless.  She rarely barked and I only ever heard her howl once or twice in the seven years she lived with us.  I know she was suffering and I'm thankful that she's no longer suffering, but I still miss her.  It's the same with my mum.  I'm thankful mum is not longer suffering but I wish she was still alive and healthy.  

I didn't realize how much stress Lucy's impending death was putting on me until I finally called the vet and scheduled an appointment for her.  I stayed with her while the vet put the propofol in her IV lock and she relaxed, and I stayed with her when the vet put the pentobarbitol in her IV lock and she stopped breathing.  I stroked her head the whole time and she suffered no pain.  Today I go back to the vet's to pick up her ashes.  I wonder how much room a small beagle's ashes take up.  

Jack came back home last night, from his auntie's house.  We told him that Lucy had died and he seemed indifferent but he did have a huge meltdown, complete with slamming doors, later.  I was talking to my neighbor this morning, he's an ER nurse, and he said that Jack has been through so much trauma in his short life, which made me cry again.  Jack's lost his grandpa, his home with his mama (three times), his daycare (also three times), and his innocence.  He's been assaulted by his own mother and placed in foster care with strangers.  He's lived his whole life with an addicted mother who can't even love herself, never mind love him.  I'm thankful he has his poppa, who will always have his back, and I'm thankful for a husband who is willing to start over with small children again.  

We were supposed to have a guardian meeting this evening but Lori (Jack's grandma and guardian) trailer's heater isn't working so she cancelled the meeting, so that she can meet the service guy out at the lake where her trailer is parked.  Last week she couldn't make a meeting because she had plans already, she went to a movie with her other daughter (Jack's other guardian).   It's hard not to feel played by these people at times.  We know nothing about what's going on with Gracie because that family keeps secrets.  

I'm off today so I worked in the garden, planted my annuals in their pots, cut the grass, seeded the brown spots where the dog pee had killed the grass, fertilized and watered the grass and flower beds.  I promised to take Miss Katie to Fort Edmonton this weekend because the park opens this weekends and OMG she is excited.  Work is busy.  Yesterday I had a sixty-six year old man with presumptive lung cancer.  He came for a biopsy because he had a huge mass in his lung.  He had a three month history of weight loss (thirty pounds) and headaches for the past two months.  By the time we were done with him, we knew he was stage four lung cancer with brain and adrenal mets.  He was a nice man who believed (hoped) that his headaches were from the bridge in his mouth.  He'll see the oncologist later this week and be told the news that he his dying. I try not to get attached to my patients but I still do.  More grief.