I'm still depressed but I have a day off today which means I've made cinnamon knots and will make tomato sauce. I don't think I've ever laid down because of depression. My kids were always fed, the laundry was done, the house was relatively clean and I went to work. Sometimes I left work crying when I couldn't cope. When my father was dying and I had been sexually assualted by a doctor at work, I took a month off work. When my step daughter told us to fuck off and they never wanted to see us again and you can never see your granddaughters again, I ended up wanting to die and was off work for three weeks over Christmas.
It comes and goes, this blackness. When Miss Katie was diagnosed it was hard, so hard. I felt like I had been sucked down into a black hole and there was no way I could ever get back out. I did eventually and limped along.
I've tried cognitive behavior therapy, talk therapy, meditation, exercise, medication, EMDR, visualization and journalling. I still take medications and they work-ish. I write, sometimes. I exercise sometimes. I cry sometimes. And still it persists.
I talked to a friend at work who has used magic mushrooms to reset her brain, successfully, but I'm not a candidate because I take anti-depressants. Ironic.
The wind is blowing and it's cold outside so I'm hanging out indoors doing laundry and cooking.
Jack came to us last night. His mama dropped him off on her way to work. He was frozen, no coat, and his pants reeked of urine. He has a nasty diaper rash again. He was sticky and dirty and quiet in the tub. His poppa held him and talked to him and put him to bed. This morning he was his old self, smiling and happy. Needless to say this doesn't help and there's nothing I can do except love him when he's here, and I do.
Life goes on, good days and bad days. Tears and laughter. This too shall pass but I wish it would hurry up.
You have such a lot on your plate. I'm sending you a virtual hug ()
ReplyDeleteI've often said that people who suffer from depression and anxiety may be the best actors on earth. And I believe that.
ReplyDeleteI worry so about Jack and I know it must be a thousand times worse for you.
May this bout of depression scurry on its way. I wish I could hug you.
I can't even imagine what this is like for you. I am so very sorry. I hope tomorrow looks brighter.
ReplyDelete"Life goes on, good days and bad days. Tears and laughter. This too shall pass but I wish it would hurry up."
ReplyDeleteAs with your depression, nothing I tried, including medication, alleviated the depression I had suffered from childhood until I was 37 years old. Part of my depression was situational and related to trauma and difficult life circumstances but I've come to believe that my consumption of sugar played a key role. From an early age (I remember being 2 years old), I had used sugar to comfort myself and take the edge off the terrible emotional pain I felt. In 1987, I abruptly stopped eating sugar and went through a physically and emotionally excruciating period of withdrawal that lasted for several months but each day was better than the day before until I was free of the desire for sugar. Nobody told me to stop eating sugar, and I didn't stop eating sugar in order to relieve my severe depression but I was astounded to find that my deep depression lifted once the withdrawal period was over. I found that food in general tasted sweeter and was more satisfying after I stopped eating sugar. Except for brief periods when I tried adding sugar back into my menu and suffered from the results, I have not eaten sugar since September 26, 1987, except for that which occurs naturally in foods. I don't eat foods like raisins and other dried fruits which have a high concentration of natural sugar Not an easy answer, that's for sure, but it worked for me.
Maybe you don't eat much sugar at all and don't relate and my story is of no help. Still, I know that there is something that will allow you to live without depression and that you will discover it for yourself. Sending love always. Sending love to your dear grandson who is fortunate to have you and his poppa until his mama finds the balance that is lacking in her life.
That's very interesting! I truly believe processed sugar is responsible for some of the worst ailments our body has to tolerate - not that I've given it up but it's a very interesting idea! Thank you for that!
DeleteThanks for sharing this. Everybody experiences "feeling down" or "feeling blue" but that is not the same as "being depressed" which is what you have been experiencing recently. Sorry to hear about the state that Jack was in when his mother dropped him off. Poor little lad.
ReplyDeleteYes, I too wish it would hurry up and leave you in peace.
ReplyDeleteYou two are making all the difference with little Jack. He knows he is loved and cherished and no matter what cards his life deals out, that alone will be with him all his days. -Kate
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the depression is so much with you. People I know and love struggle with it, and there's just nothing to be said to make it better, even though I wish I had that power. While Jack is so unlucky in who his biological parents are, he hit the triple home-run jackpot with the two of you as grandparents.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for your little guy. But he has you, thankfully. And that graphic you posted about depression, my God, that hit home. If it helps, someone out here understands that you're doing your best, and that it is so very hard, the faking being okay. I am wrapping you in love, and thanking you for posting as you do. You make me feel seen.
ReplyDeleteDid your friend do the mushroom thing with a physician? I've read about people doing that when their cancer becomes terminal and it intrigues me. Would it be an option to go off the anti-depressants long enough to try that?
ReplyDeleteNo, she did the mushrooms without a doctor. I don't know if I could even go off my anti-depressants. I've been on them for almost thirty years and getting off them is supposed to be brutal, plus the possibility of a severe depressive episode scares me. So for now, I'll stay as I am.
DeleteThis is a lot to carry. Depression seems like a logical response but you want to live your life as happily as possible. I have no answers. :(
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