I'm struggling again with depression. I just wish it would go away and never come back. I'm just so damned tired.
I called an old friend this evening and we talked for almost an hour. It was wonderful. We talked about addictions, anti-vaxxers, trauma, grief, children, cancer, family, you name it. It felt good.
Maybe tomorrow night I'll call another friend. I often forget I have friends I can lean on. Actually, the real problem is, I fear rejection, always. Fucking messed up brain.
I wonder if anyone who suffers from depression actually ever "gets rid" of it? I am proud of you for reaching out. That is a very healthy thing to do.
ReplyDeleteYou can call me. I am always here, and I'm sending you a surge of loving feelings right exactly now.
ReplyDeleteSorry that the black dog has come back Lily. Look after yourself and be patient. Before too long he will slink away again.
ReplyDeleteI was just going to say the same as Yorkshire Pudding. The Black Dog is very real and very distressing for people who suffer from it. But he's right - it will run away with its tail between its legs. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteDepression is horrible. That's for sure. I appreciate your honesty about your periods of depression. I know that you know that you are not alone. I used to wish that a car or train would run me over. I didn't want to kill myself but I felt that I wouldn't have minded being put out of my misery by something besides myself. There are so many ways I relate to you emotionally.
ReplyDeleteOur bodies and minds are mysterious. Depression is especially mysterious in the way it comes and goes. My hope is that you will have the experience I have had of being free of depression. Everyone is different. Everyone has to find their own way. No simple answers. What I did, without prescription medication, for my depression might have no absolutely no effect on another person's depression.
Without the depression, I have still had to deal with the tremendously difficult spectrum of painful feelings that are part of being human but the darkness of depression that I knew for so much of my life has been lifted for a long time. Yesterday was a dark day for me but nothing like the darkness of depression. Sending love and encouragement always.
I am so very glad you have a great Network of Friends to call and to lean on, that's Priceless. Depression is such a difficult Space to occupy and hold, especially when you never know for how long. I tend to Sleep a lot and feel Tired when Emotionally or Mentally I'm not in a good Head Space. Shutting Down isn't always an option when Caregiving tho', mustering Energy when it's absent is a challenge. Lately I can hardly stay Awake so it must be meaning I'm Emotionally or Mentally spent, not surprising given the State of the World... I think many of us are struggling with all of that, along with whatever else is on our plates.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you called your friend -- and yes, call more of them! It does make a huge difference to reach out and make contact, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read this. Wish I could help.
ReplyDeleteI've come to believe that depression, like anxiety, is at least partly in our wiring. It's about managing it, not making it go away.
ReplyDeleteI think so too. It's part of how my brain works now. The first time I was depressed I was only eight years old which means it's pretty well entrenched in my brain and there is also a genetic component as it's rampant in my family.
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