Happy Solstice.  We get seven hours and twenty-eight minutes of daylight today.  Our yard faces straight east, note how far south the sun is.  Sigh.  On the upside, virtually all of the snow has melted so driving and getting around has been easy.

Charlie and Jack have become best friends.  Jack is so excited about Christmas this year.  He woke up at 4:30 am this morning and wanted to know if it was time to open his gifts.  I'm guessing the next three mornings will be the same.  He and Poppa have a plan for what to leave out for Santa, and no fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve.  Jack also wants to see what reindeer poop looks like, because Poppa told Jack that he had seen some reindeer poop in the gutters when he was putting up the Christmas lights.  I wonder if reindeer poop looks anything like elk poop, and I just looked it up and yes, reindeer poop does indeed look like elk poop.  Good to know.

I'm still struggling with depression and feeling overwhelmed.  Last week I cried twice at work and this week, only once, so far.  Yesterday I had a patient who seemed fine, but I was having a hard time finding a vein on her.  We were really busy and I was alone with ten patients to start drinking, screen them and start their IVs.  Plus this poor lady, whose arm I had to heat for ten minutes and then I still blew her vein. She said she hated this time of year and was tired of people saying, I'm sure 2024 will be better.  She said she didn't know if she would even live through 2024, and then she burst into tears, at which point, I did too.  I gave her a good long hug and then found another nurse to start her IV, someone who was not crying.  She broke my heart.

There are so many new patients and so few old patients.  Some days it feels like an assembly line of sickness and death, which I can deal with when I'm not depressed.  But when I'm depressed, every hour of work feels like an eternity and I keep saying in my mind, only one more day this week.  Next week, I only work two days.  I can do this.  Keep going. 

Another patient, when I asked her if she was ready for Christmas, said, that it didn't really matter.  Christmas would come and go, regardless of whether or not she was ready.  It's only a day she said.  That helped me.  I put a lot of pressure on myself, along with most women, to make Christmas special.  Baking, cooking, cleaning, buying and wrapping of gifts, decorating, and socializing, most of it left to women to organize and accomplish.  It's a lot.

On Christmas day we'll open Jack's stocking and gift from Santa and then take him to his grandma's for a few days.  We'll go pick up Katie and take her out for lunch, at McDonalds, her favorite, and then go home.  The two of us will have supper in front of the TV.  There will be no large family gatherings, no elaborate meal and I guess a part of me misses that.  Not that family gatherings were all that wonderful in my family but it was a tradition.  

Mostly I'm tired and sad.  My back is killing me and I'm tired of everything.  I know this will pass.  It always does.  I'm having a massage for my back at noon and then I'll take the dogs out for a walk at the dog park.  

Another huge plus, my friend in Australia, has just emerged from her own dark pit.  We're a pair.  I'm looking forward to reconnecting with her.  

 

The black dog has caught up to me again, even walks at the dog park are not chasing it away.  I can feel it on my face, just under my eyes and I want to cry a lot. 

It's that time of year.  The long, dark nights get to me. I worry about Jack.  Kindergarten registration starts in less than two months and I know it will be a fight and a shitshow with his mother when I register him for kindergarten here and not in Edmonton.  She doesn't have a job and there is no way she can get to Jack to school on a regular basis but none of that will matter to her because it's only about her.  

Last night Jack stayed with his other grandma for the night, hubby and I went out for supper.  I started thinking about our lives before Jack was born.  We used to have fun.  We used to travel.  We had a life.  Now we have a 4.5 year old to care for, which I'm happy to do, but the other side of the family don't seem to understand that we had a life.  I'm resentful I guess.

And sad.  I'm not a fan of Christmas.  It makes me sad because it never lives up to the hype, does not meet expectations.  

Jack is back this afternoon.  Perhaps I'll take him to the dog park with me.  It is beautiful and as you can see, we've finally had snow.

 

Do you have crayons spread across your kitchen table?

Does lego appear in strange places, bathroom, bedside table, kitchen counters?

Do you regularly dig lego out of your vacuum?

Do you have discussions about poop and pee on a regular basis?

Do you get ongoing notifications of visits to the toilet?

Are you involved in courtesy wipes, post poop?

Is your sleep often interrupted?

Do you buy a lot of milk?

Does anybody in your household point it out to you when you use a swear word?

Have noticed an increase in the amount of laundry you do?

Do you often have to repeat yourself, or ask others to repeat themselves?

Are you exhausted at the end of the day?

You may have preschoolers:)

 

Still no snow here and the dogs and I are enjoying it.  Heidi is concentrating, she's listening for a squirrel.  I was trying to capture her breath in the morning air but was unsuccessful, however, I still liked the shot.

We went to court today and we'll try again to slowly reunite Jack with his mom, with the court watching this time.  We have another court date for the end of February.  I imagine it will go on like this for quite awhile, until things completely fall apart again.   

We're in it for the long haul, regardless.  After everything was over the other grandma and I gave each other a huge hug and both cried.  We both know how fucked up our children are, we just want Jack to be safe.  

Nothing much else going on, work, housework, being at the beck and call of a four and a half year old:)  Last night he crawled into bed with me at midnight and we argued about milk and benadryl.  He said his nose was itchy and he wanted milk.  I said no to both requests, he complained bitterly and then promptly fell back asleep.  I guess technically, I'm not at his beck and call, but it does feel that way at times.

My Christmas shopping is almost done. 

Still warm and sunny here, or it was last weekend when I took this photo at the Beaver Hills Biosphere.  Today it's cold and cloudy and it feels like snow.

It's my day off so I have a whole day to myself, after I drive Jack to daycare and my husband to work and then drive back home again.

When I got home, I put the load of laundry in the dryer, that I had put in the washing machine before we left home at 0630am.  Then I stripped all of the blankets off the furniture and put those in the washing machine; they're the dog blankets that protect the furniture and catch all the dog hair.

I had some breakfast and then left to go to my massage appointment, turns out I dislocated two ribs while coughing with covid and most of the muscles in my upper body where upset with all the coughing I had done.  Not a relaxing massage but necessary.

When I got home from that appointment, I put the dog blankets in the dryer and then put another load of laundry on while I vacuumed the main floor of the house.  Too much dog hair.  I also pulled some chicken out of the freezer and set it to defrost while I cleaned.  I'll start supper before I head back to Edmonton to pick up my husband at work and then Jack at daycare. When the blankets were clean and dry, I put them all back on the furniture.  I still have to clean up the kitchen from last night and this morning.

I also want to take the dogs for a walk at the dog park, before I head back to Edmonton at 3pm.  The photo below is the dog park and the sky, last week.  It was so beautiful.  At some point I'll put the load of laundry from the washing machine into the dryer and hopefully get it folded and put away.

There is also poop scooping to be done in the backyard, preferably before the snow comes.  It's so relaxing to have a day off:) 

 

I'm reading "All The Light We Cannot See", and I'm crying, reading about World War Two and all the terrible, horrible things that happened,.  And I realize that our world right now is not so different from Europe in the 1930's and I get scared and sad.

And I wonder why we humans, as a species, have learned nothing from the past, and keep repeating the same horrible actions, the hatred, the killing, the blind eye.

Why can't we practice compassion and kindness?  Why can't we see that "other" people are no different than us?  Why do we believe there is an other?  There is only us, only we.  And when we hurt another, we hurt ourselves and the whole world suffers.

A doc I used to work with killed herself.   She was only 46.  The world too much for her.

Jack struggles with the anger of others, fearful, remorseful,  afraid that he will no longer be loved and I want to hit Gracie and understand that I am no different than anyone else who can hurt other people. 

And I'm so tired.  Tired of rhetoric,  tired of hatred, tired of bullshit.

It's been a tough week, so many new patients,  so much pain and suffering.  People hoping for miracles where none exist.

I know this will pass but right now, it's painful. 

We're all good here.  I've just been tired and busy.  We took Jack and the dogs to the Beaver Hills Biosphere today for a lovely walk.  The weather here remains mild which is a boon.

We go back to court at the end of November.  Gracie hasn't had much contact with Jack, which seems to suit him.  Last time she called, he refused to talk to her.  

Today I don't think he ever stopped talked, which would explain why I'm so tired:)

Bagheera continues to enjoy the sunshine.  She's too old to get over the fence which means we know where she is when she's outside.