The black dog has caught up to me again, even walks at the dog park are not chasing it away. I can feel it on my face, just under my eyes and I want to cry a lot. I miss my children, not my son so much, although I do wish he could get his shit together. My daughter's memory is getting worse and she's using a cane to get around. I'll get a hug from Miss Katie today which will help.
It's that time of year. The long, dark nights get to me. I worry about my middle daughter and her health. I worry about Jack. Kindergarten registration starts in less than two months and I know it will be a fight and a shitshow with his mother when I register him for kindergarten here and not in Edmonton. She doesn't have a job and there is no way she can get to Jack to school on a regular basis but none of that will matter to her because it's only about her.
Last night Jack stayed with his other grandma for the night, hubby and I went out for supper. I started thinking about our lives before Jack was born. We used to have fun. We used to travel. We had a life. Now we have a 4.5 year old to care for, which I'm happy to do, but the other side of the family don't seem to understand that we had a life. I'm resentful I guess.
And sad. I'm not a fan of Christmas. It makes me sad because it never lives up to the hype, does not meet expectations.
Jack is back this afternoon. Perhaps I'll take him to the dog park with me. It is beautiful and as you can see, we've finally had snow.
I, too, can feel depression behind my eyes. And strangely, in my eyes, too. It's not an ache. I don't know how to describe it. Perhaps it is the pressure of mostly unshed tears although I do cry a lot.
ReplyDeleteYou did have a life. You have every reason to be resentful. Just because you are doing the "right" thing does not mean it is the thing you had thought you'd be doing or even the thing you ever wanted to do. And it's hard and it's generally thankless.
Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry.
Hugs, Pixie. I'd be resentful too. It would be hard not to be in your situation. Life is asking so much of you. May things improve in 2024 and may that black dog bugger off.
ReplyDeleteYou did have a life and you do have a life although it's not what you expected or necessarily wanted. The responsibility for Jack, the issues with your son, your daughter's medical problems--they are TOO much. Depression, especially during this time of year, is normal. I'm feeling it too. Sending love and hugs from afar!
ReplyDeleteI have always referred to Christmas as the season of unfulfilled expectations. It's a con, designed to guilt people into spending money they don't have. You have every right to be resentful of having the life you have now, it's a huge thing you've taken on. I admire you greatly for what you're doing, but it's a new job for you and the big guy.
ReplyDeleteYour snow is like a wonderland, your photos of it are magical. I am so sorry you're feeling gray, this season often brings that on for those of us with permeable borders, exposed wiring, no skin. You're dealing with so much, and I know just what you mean about Christmas never being what we think it should be. I am learning to release my expectations around that, now that it's just the man and me, my daughter upstate with her in-laws, my son working that day. Jack's sense of wonder will help a bit, just don't think you have to do anything extra; his wonder and joy will be there regardless on Christmas morning, and he hasn't yet built up expectations in his head. Thinking about you, my dear friend, and sending love. One breath at a time, that is all we have to do. Make the world small.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time and try to get out into nature every day. I know it sounds like a cliche but it's what gets me through the dark days. Sending my best.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you wouldn't feel low considering. Can you just refuse to engage with Jack's mother? I have no fondness for Christmas and since the reason I have no fondness for Christmas (mother) is finally dead I can ignore it. And I do. Take the best care of yourself you can.
ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry. I’m feeling it too though I don’t have the weight of responsibilities that you do. One day at a time, there will be better days.big hugs.
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Barbara
Since I have been on my own, I have pretty much consigned any of the holidays to being just "another day!"
ReplyDeleteI send the kids money and they can get what they want!
I rarely get depressed anymore!
This is what the anticipation of Christmas does to us. You are so right, it never lives up to expectations. It produces a frenzy that we can't help but get caught up in, and then it is over. Raising your grandchild is a whole 'nother level of anxiety and stress.
ReplyDeleteYou have the best readers -- so understanding and supportive.
ReplyDeleteHaving never experienced your level of depression, I don't know how to be understanding and supportive in the way others can. I can't commiserate or advise. Can only send you a friendly hug and a hope that it will soon pass, as everything seems to. Hang in there, girlfriend.
Throw a stick for the black dog and tell it to bugger off!
ReplyDeleteHave you read the book "Wintering" by Katherine May? It's a strange book but somehow it spoke to me and I've just started reading it for a second time. Sending you big hugs!
ReplyDeleteThis is the saddest time of year.
ReplyDeleteYou live in a beautiful part of the world. It is like a magic fairyland but reality still nibbles at your heels.
If you didn't harbour some resentment you would be a very strange beast. Even though you are doing the best for Jack and he will appreciate this one day it doesn't help today.
You are an amazing woman.
You and your husband, and your family have been through so much, I hope you can get some rest / a break. Unfortunately, Jack's mom's side does not seem to want to be as considerate of your needs / wants. You have no choice, if you don't step up Jack would not have safety and love. I wish they would understand that. Yes they have suffered too, but they seem to think they are the only ones. Sending you, Jack and the big guy lots of love.
ReplyDeleteWell, how could you NOT be resentful? I think that's perfectly understandable. As much as you love Jack and as much as you (and he) have gained from your relationship, you've lost something too.
ReplyDeleteThe darkness is difficult at this time of year, never mind the additional difficulties of the holidays. Longer days are right around the corner!
That damn Black Dog. Sorry to hear your Daughter is having further challenges. I see that mine does too now she's in our lives more than she has been for almost 20 Years. It is concerning, I think Decades of the dangerous Drugs has taken a big toll on her and of coarse the SMI never really is easy as a row to hoe, but, she does seem to have accepted she IS Seriously Mentally Ill and learned to live with it better without the self-destructive desires she once had... less likely is she now to want to Die all the time.
ReplyDelete