Happy Solstice. We get seven hours and twenty-eight hours of daylight today. Our yard faces straight east, note how far south the sun is. Sigh. On the upside, virtually all of the snow has melted so driving and getting around has been easy.
Charlie and Jack have become best friends. Jack is so excited about Christmas this year. He woke up at 4:30 am this morning and wanted to know if it was time to open his gifts. I'm guessing the next three mornings will be the same. He and Poppa have a plan for what to leave out for Santa, and no fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve. Jack also wants to see what reindeer poop looks like, because Poppa told Jack that he had seen some reindeer poop in the gutters when he was putting up the Christmas lights. I wonder if reindeer poop looks anything like elk poop, and I just looked it up and yes, reindeer poop does indeed look like elk poop. Good to know.
There are so many new patients and so few old patients. Some days it feels like an assembly line of sickness and death, which I can deal with when I'm not depressed. But when I'm depressed, every hour of work feels like an eternity and I keep saying in my mind, only one more day this week. Next week, I only work two days. I can do this. Keep going.
Another patient, when I asked her if she was ready for Christmas, said, that it didn't really matter. Christmas would come and go, regardless of whether or not she was ready. It's only a day she said. That helped me. I put a lot of pressure on myself, along with most women, to make Christmas special. Baking, cooking, cleaning, buying and wrapping of gifts, decorating, and socializing, most of it left to women to organize and accomplish. It's a lot.
On Christmas day we'll open Jack's stocking and gift from Santa and then take him to his grandma's for a few days. We'll go pick up Katie and take her out for lunch, at McDonalds, her favorite, and then go home. The two of us will have supper in front of the TV. There will be no large family gatherings, no elaborate meal and I guess a part of me misses that. Not that family gatherings were all that wonderful in my family but it was a tradition.
Mostly I'm tired and sad. My back is killing me and I'm tired of everything. I know this will pass. It always does. I'm having a massage for my back at noon and then I'll take the dogs out for a walk at the dog park.
Another huge plus, my friend in Australia, has just emerged from her own dark pit. We're a pair. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with her.
The dark, the cold, the expectations of the holidays (merry and bright-not so much), they can push most of us toward depression. The tragic stories from your work exacerbate that. I'm starting to feel the pressure to bake and clean and have everything "perfect." An impossible standard. I hope that Jack and you guys have a happy and pleasant holiday, relaxing and special. Or at least a bit of those things! xoxo
ReplyDeleteWhen we lived in Seattle we went to work in the dark and got home in the dark. It was just gruesome. I do hope the dog gives up soon.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you're having a Blue Christmas. But your patient is absolutely right. It IS just another day in just another month. I'm a big believer in opting out of most of the Christmas Madness. I only do what I want to do. Screw the rest!
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly how I handle any of the holidays anymore! Trying to please everyone and not pleasing anyone is just too much stress for anyone!
DeleteI hear you. Usually I can keep my anxiety under control, but not in the weeks before Christmas. Then Christmas Day is always a bit of a let down - even when it's fun. I don't understand what it is I expect. I'll be happy to experience it, and even happier to have it behind me. I do best when life is without expectations.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. The solstice has become my landmark. Let's celebrate every 30 seconds of light we gain every day starting now.
ReplyDeleteI firmly chucked Xmas out of the house after my daughter left for uni. It has been wonderful. Last year we had a weird antipodean Xmas by the Pacific on a hot summer's day, so much a novelty it was actually not bad. But I wouldn't want that to become a habit again.
Your little boy looks a charm with that smile!
I love the picture of Jack and the dog. This is a trying time of year, and you have one of the most trying jobs imaginable -- so I can see how you'd be struggling. As you said, it will pass. We're all on your side! (Are there sides?)
ReplyDeleteCharlie and Jack do look like great Buddies now. And, I do hope you Scored some Reindeer poo? *LMAO* As for Holiday depression and being overwhelmed, well, ditto... and it's not so uncommon I suppose. I saw more people struggling this Year than usual too, so much toxic stuff in the World right now that it's hard to feel optimism for the Future being improved upon. You have a difficult job, so that surely adds to he ability to stay buoyant. It is hard to see people suffer, as an Empath it's harder for me than when I'm trying to get thru things myself. It's good you have Dear Jack with the Wonder Children have this time of the Year and we do try to make the Magic stay Alive for them... it's a lot of Work, but so worth it. I still am like a Big Kid at Christmas, I do enjoy Holidays... so I didn't like being glum and overwhelmed this Year.
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