Spring has arrived.  Today, as we worked in the backyard, we could hear the call of the sandhill cranes as they flew overhead.  Hundreds of these beautiful birds fly over our house every spring and I'm just thankful that I happened to move into a house that is on their annual migration route.  

Jack is back with us, his mom is having a meltdown, again.  I'm just thankful he's safe and home with us.  He is too.  I just want Jack to be safe.

Life goes on.  Jack is sweet and contrary, all at the same time. Work was kicking my ass but I'm starting to get the hang of the new computer system.  However, I have overdone it with my walking and now my knee is sore, so back to the lovely physiotherapist who gave me exercises and hope.  Lucy is nearing the end of her days sadly and that's breaking my heart.

It's what awaits us all but it still hurts.  

The photos are out of order but I don't care to put them order this morning.  I'm fine, everyone is fine, although Jack has taken to hiding when it's time for someone to pick him up to visit his mama.

The top photo, Jack and the big guy at the Easter Egg Hunt, yesterday.

The condo has been repainted and cleaned within an inch of it's life.  It's on the market and we're just waiting now.

Today is Jack's real birthday but we celebrated on Friday, as he is spending today with his mama.  He's four.  I can't believe how much he's grown.

Yesterday, he got the chance to see the inside of a cop car, from the front seat, and turn on the siren.

We got him a children's camera for his birthday and he loved it.  It holds something like 3000 images.

 And best of all, the snow is almost gone and spring is here.

I've been writing here for almost ten years and before that there were other blogs where I wrote for about another ten years.  I even went to a blog conference many years ago in Chicago.  My blog was called tired mummy and it was about taking care of Katie.  When I told people at the conference the name of my blog, their eyes glazed over and they found an excuse to wander away, except for one or two people.  One woman I met was wonderful; she felt like one of those people you've always known.  She was familiar.  We kept in touch for awhile, but life.  I wonder what happened to her.  She had a son name Roan who must be fully grown now.

I think it's time to take a break for awhile from blogging.  I will probably still read blogs and maybe even leave comments but something's changed for me, not sure what, but blogging has become work instead of an outlet for me.  

We had some new snow last week, I think it was.  I can't remember, not long ago.  It's made everything nice and clean looking again, for a few days anyway.  Heidi and I are enjoying are walks at the dog park.  She likes to poop in the woods (who am I to judge).  I just like listening to the birds and petting friendly dogs.

 

I have to go to physio today for another assessment and for rehab, despite having no foot pain.  Have I mentioned how much I dislike being told what to do?  Because I really hate it.  The worst part is that every person I talk to about my foot has the wrong diagnosis, except for my podiatrist.  Fortunately my podiatrist comes back from holidays next week and I have an appointment on the 11th so that she can clear me to go back to work.  Sigh.

Just got back from physio, what a nice young man.  He asked me why I was there and he was fine with my swearing.  He assessed my foot and did give me some toe exercises because I have big toe pain.  He doesn't think I need physio. HAH!

My renter moves out of the condo this weekend and next I will paint the condo.  Hopefully I can get it done in a week.

Jack is now spending four nights with us and three nights with his mom.  He's exhausted when he comes back to us, not getting enough sleep.  He also has a TV in his room at her apartment, because every child needs that to improve their sleep habits.  She put one in his room when he was nine months old.  We have a guardian meeting on Monday so I guess we'll see comes of that.  Last night at supper he wouldn't eat what he had asked for, pizza and then yelled at me that he wanted candy NOW after he refused to eat it.  I told him that didn't work with me and he didn't get any candy.  His behavior is getting worse, the more time he spends with his mom.  It's so strange how that seems to happen.  It's almost like there's some kind of correlation there.

My depression has lifted, thank god.  

I checked to see if he had really written this and he had.

The anniversary of my mum's death almost passed without me realizing it.  Both of my parents died in February and it seems to drag me down.  Mum was a beautiful woman but even more importantly she had a wonderful sense of humour, something she passed down to me.  I don't pretend to understand my parent's marriage but they stayed together through thick and thin; their ashes both sit together at the bottom of Ladysmith Harbour on Vancouver Island.  Or more likely, their ashes drifted off, spread wide and far in the Strait of Georgia.

I mostly feel like crying.  There's a long list of things wrong with the world and I drag all of those things together, pile them up around myself, stare at all the pain and hurt in the world and cry.  My heart hurts.  Death and destruction in Ukraine, the same in Turkey and Syria (mother nature and corrupt builders this time), babies who won't know their mama's, the United States seems to be sinking into a dictatorship with the rights of women and girls being smashed under the boots of the Republican party, mass shootings (in the US), climate change and fossil fuels.  Closer to home Lucy is doing worse on the Lasix, her cough and breathing have declined and I realize how much I'll miss her when we finally have to put her down, and how do we decide that time?  And Jack, caught in the world of adults, he doesn't get a say in his life and that breaks my heart too.  He fights for control, all the time, I recognize it and feel the same way myself but it's hard.  And the insurance company is telling me that I can't work.  I hate being told what to do.  I dig in my heels and it brings out the worst sort of bitch in me which makes me sad too.

I just get so tired of feeling depressed.  It comes and goes of it's own accord.  I try to feel better.  I write, I breathe, I walk, I practice gratitude every single night, I take my pills and still it hounds me.  Depression is a life long disease that robs me of good feelings on a regular basis.  It is a bastard.  

Lucy

It's bloody cold today, -36C with the wind chill.  Hopefully this will be the last cold snap before spring starts to slowly arrive.  I did wonder how Gracie managed to get Jack to daycare today with the cold.  I hope she took a cab instead of a bus.  I pick him up this afternoon from daycare and he'll stay with us until Sunday.

We're trying, actually Gracie's family is trying, to get Jack and Gracie back to living together.  I have my doubts but I guess time will tell.  I'm not getting fussed about it this time.  Everything seems to just follow the same old patterns.

I don't know how much help Gracie is getting from her sister this time.  The sister and her boyfriend had a very close friend murdered earlier this month.  Gun violence is not that common in Canada and when it does, it usually revolves around drugs or mental illness.  Their friend was gunned down on the street at 5:30 in the afternoon.  Not sure what their friend was involved in, or if it was a case of mistaken identity.  

I'm making progress on getting the condo ready for sale.  The ceiling will be painted for $1000.  The painter can do the walls for an additional $2000 but I'm far too thrifty to pay that much money for someone else to do what I can do.  It will take me a week to paint but I enjoy it.  The cleaners have been booked and the screen door will be replaced (the renter's cat tore a hole through it).  I'll be glad to have it sold and the money will go toward our mortage.

Yesterday was a down day, no car, nothing that needed to be done.  I cleaned the house, washed the floors, made shortbread and watched a movie that wasn't as bad as I had expected (Shotgun Wedding).  But I felt down all day.  Today is a better day, I have errands to run and things to do.  I do like to feel productive which is something I will have to deal with when I retire.  I will still work part-time I think, or volunteer, because I need a purpose.  Or maybe Jack will be living with us, I don't know.

Speaking of Jack, my hubby ordered glow in the dark stars for his bedroom.  So far I have put up stars in the shape of the big dipper (the only constellation I can recognize) and Orion.  I'll put up another one today.  I'm guessing Jack will love them.  Maybe this summer we can get him out to Elk Island National Park which isn't far from us, and is a dark sky preserve.

My ode to nursing, which I miss so much.