The black dog has caught up to me again, even walks at the dog park are not chasing it away.  I can feel it on my face, just under my eyes and I want to cry a lot. 

It's that time of year.  The long, dark nights get to me. I worry about Jack.  Kindergarten registration starts in less than two months and I know it will be a fight and a shitshow with his mother when I register him for kindergarten here and not in Edmonton.  She doesn't have a job and there is no way she can get to Jack to school on a regular basis but none of that will matter to her because it's only about her.  

Last night Jack stayed with his other grandma for the night, hubby and I went out for supper.  I started thinking about our lives before Jack was born.  We used to have fun.  We used to travel.  We had a life.  Now we have a 4.5 year old to care for, which I'm happy to do, but the other side of the family don't seem to understand that we had a life.  I'm resentful I guess.

And sad.  I'm not a fan of Christmas.  It makes me sad because it never lives up to the hype, does not meet expectations.  

Jack is back this afternoon.  Perhaps I'll take him to the dog park with me.  It is beautiful and as you can see, we've finally had snow.

 

Do you have crayons spread across your kitchen table?

Does lego appear in strange places, bathroom, bedside table, kitchen counters?

Do you regularly dig lego out of your vacuum?

Do you have discussions about poop and pee on a regular basis?

Do you get ongoing notifications of visits to the toilet?

Are you involved in courtesy wipes, post poop?

Is your sleep often interrupted?

Do you buy a lot of milk?

Does anybody in your household point it out to you when you use a swear word?

Have noticed an increase in the amount of laundry you do?

Do you often have to repeat yourself, or ask others to repeat themselves?

Are you exhausted at the end of the day?

You may have preschoolers:)

 

Still no snow here and the dogs and I are enjoying it.  Heidi is concentrating, she's listening for a squirrel.  I was trying to capture her breath in the morning air but was unsuccessful, however, I still liked the shot.

We went to court today and we'll try again to slowly reunite Jack with his mom, with the court watching this time.  We have another court date for the end of February.  I imagine it will go on like this for quite awhile, until things completely fall apart again.   

We're in it for the long haul, regardless.  After everything was over the other grandma and I gave each other a huge hug and both cried.  We both know how fucked up our children are, we just want Jack to be safe.  

Nothing much else going on, work, housework, being at the beck and call of a four and a half year old:)  Last night he crawled into bed with me at midnight and we argued about milk and benadryl.  He said his nose was itchy and he wanted milk.  I said no to both requests, he complained bitterly and then promptly fell back asleep.  I guess technically, I'm not at his beck and call, but it does feel that way at times.

My Christmas shopping is almost done. 

Still warm and sunny here, or it was last weekend when I took this photo at the Beaver Hills Biosphere.  Today it's cold and cloudy and it feels like snow.

It's my day off so I have a whole day to myself, after I drive Jack to daycare and my husband to work and then drive back home again.

When I got home, I put the load of laundry in the dryer, that I had put in the washing machine before we left home at 0630am.  Then I stripped all of the blankets off the furniture and put those in the washing machine; they're the dog blankets that protect the furniture and catch all the dog hair.

I had some breakfast and then left to go to my massage appointment, turns out I dislocated two ribs while coughing with covid and most of the muscles in my upper body where upset with all the coughing I had done.  Not a relaxing massage but necessary.

When I got home from that appointment, I put the dog blankets in the dryer and then put another load of laundry on while I vacuumed the main floor of the house.  Too much dog hair.  I also pulled some chicken out of the freezer and set it to defrost while I cleaned.  I'll start supper before I head back to Edmonton to pick up my husband at work and then Jack at daycare. When the blankets were clean and dry, I put them all back on the furniture.  I still have to clean up the kitchen from last night and this morning.

I also want to take the dogs for a walk at the dog park, before I head back to Edmonton at 3pm.  The photo below is the dog park and the sky, last week.  It was so beautiful.  At some point I'll put the load of laundry from the washing machine into the dryer and hopefully get it folded and put away.

There is also poop scooping to be done in the backyard, preferably before the snow comes.  It's so relaxing to have a day off:) 

 

I'm reading "All The Light We Cannot See", and I'm crying, reading about World War Two and all the terrible, horrible things that happened,.  And I realize that our world right now is not so different from Europe in the 1930's and I get scared and sad.

And I wonder why we humans, as a species, have learned nothing from the past, and keep repeating the same horrible actions, the hatred, the killing, the blind eye.

Why can't we practice compassion and kindness?  Why can't we see that "other" people are no different than us?  Why do we believe there is an other?  There is only us, only we.  And when we hurt another, we hurt ourselves and the whole world suffers.

A doc I used to work with killed herself.   She was only 46.  The world too much for her.

Jack struggles with the anger of others, fearful, remorseful,  afraid that he will no longer be loved and I want to hit Gracie and understand that I am no different than anyone else who can hurt other people. 

And I'm so tired.  Tired of rhetoric,  tired of hatred, tired of bullshit.

It's been a tough week, so many new patients,  so much pain and suffering.  People hoping for miracles where none exist.

I know this will pass but right now, it's painful. 

We're all good here.  I've just been tired and busy.  We took Jack and the dogs to the Beaver Hills Biosphere today for a lovely walk.  The weather here remains mild which is a boon.

We go back to court at the end of November.  Gracie hasn't had much contact with Jack, which seems to suit him.  Last time she called, he refused to talk to her.  

Today I don't think he ever stopped talked, which would explain why I'm so tired:)

Bagheera continues to enjoy the sunshine.  She's too old to get over the fence which means we know where she is when she's outside.
 

This was my kitchen this morning, a mess and I don't cope well with messes.  I got it all cleaned up, not nearly as bad as my mind thinks it is but I find it overwhelming to look at.  I've also made an appointment for dog training, for Charlie.  Last week, he and Heidi were fighting over a stick in the back yard and Heidi ended up with the two black eyes, bleeding into the whites of her eyes.  She was yelping, I didn't hear her because I had the vacuum on, but the neighbor came over to tell me that Heidi was being hurt.  Heidi was afraid of Charlie for the rest of the day and avoided him.  Charlie has also got into fights over sticks at the dog park.  I was talking to a co worker yesterday and she had concerns about Charlie's aggression and I realized I need to take it seriously.  When I contacted the rescue society that we got him from, they sent me a link for surrendering him back to them, which is not something I'm ready to do right now.  Charlie's a smart dog and I'm hoping training will help him.

I also had a zoom meeting with Katie's psychiatrist this morning. I couldn't get my camera or microphone to work but I troubleshooted the problem and fixed it (turned the computer off and on).  I got to see Katie, haven't seen her in a few weeks because of covid.  She looked good and I told her I'd see her on Sunday.  The psychiatrist also suggested we try less stimulation, rather than more, because of her autism, so we'll work on that.  Noise in particular is a trigger for her.  I'm still concerned about her head banging but the group home is going to focus on looking at triggers for the head banging.  I think it's usually frustration for her, or attention seeking.

Jack dressed up as an astronaut last night and had a good time.  My husband said Jack just announced at one point that he was done and wanted to go home.  I like this photo because you can see Charlie peeking around the corner.  I put the vacuum there to keep him from coming to the door; it works better than a fence.

 Interview with Matthew Perry.  Quite an interesting listen about drug and alcohol abuse, and fame.  It's so sad that he died when he did.  The interview made me cry and I tried so hard to be empathetic with Gracie, but it's hard and I failed.