Waterton, Prince of Wales Hotel, a photo from five and half years ago.  I'd like to go back and take better photos now but it's not the same anymore.  They had a massive fire in the summer of 2017.  Medicine Lake up in Jasper had the same fate, massive fire in 2015.  I will never see these forests regrow to their original beauty in my lifetime.

Work has been very busy sadly.  New patients everyday, old patients that just never come back.  One of my favorite patients told me that she's not doing well.  Her cancer is spreading and she's dying.  She maybe fours year older than me.  A couple of weeks ago she was in hospital and her husband picked her up from the hospital and just dropped her off at home so he could go back to work.  She was so hurt.

I told her about how angry I was with my mum when I realized my mum was getting old and would die.  I couldn't understand what was making me so angry all the time until I realized I would lose my mum in the near future.  Once I told my mum this, my anger disappeared.  It's not uncommon to be angry with someone for dying.  Even though it's not their fault and it makes no sense, it's what happens.  I told my patient this.  Anger is a part of grief.  My patient's husband is angry he's losing his wife just when they should be retiring.  It's not her fault and it's not his fault, it just is.  He's grieving and so is she.

My patient is a loving woman, mother and grandmother but she said she's just so tired.  She's been dealing with her cancer for years and it's getting worse.  We cried, we hugged and we shared photos of grandchildren on our phones.  I fucking hate cancer but at the same time I'm thankful for my job that allows me to meet such wonderful people.

Life continues on.  I'm having supper with my niece tonight and then the little guy will be spending the night with us.  My niece is a lovely, thoughtful, outspoken young woman whom I admire and like a great deal.  I'll have to remember to tell her that.

Gracie continues to struggle with depression and anxiety and we continue to support her.  I have no idea how this will eventually play out but we're in it for the long haul with our grandson.   The sheriff came to the door the other night to serve my son papers but I told him we have no idea where he lives.  I hope that one day he'll be the father his son needs.

I'm off today so I have a full day of baking Christmas cookies and bread.  I'll listen to the radio and stay warm.  The dog is curled up on the chair beside me, sleeping hard as only dogs can.

I'm thankful for the gift of time.

The kitchen will be almost finished today, the last countertop will be installed on the island and I will have my kitchen back.  The dishwasher will be hooked up tomorrow and I will be happy.  It hasn't been hard and it didn't take long but it is a disruption and I have a hard time with disruptions.  

My feet are feeling better which is a huge relief as well.  They're still sore but only a little.  I'm walking normally again and trying to be more mindful of them.  There is nothing I can do to stop the arthritis or the aging of my feet and I have to accept that.  My body is slowing down, despite what my brain wants to do.  

It's been incredibly busy at work.  We even had an extra nurse yesterday, six instead of seven, plus a CT tech and we were all run off our feet.  Everything got done but just busy, busy.  We have a new provincial government who wants to cut health care and education funding so most people are anxious, myself included, about what will happen in the coming year.  The big guy pointed out that I am senior, the most senior nurse and I won't be laid off or bumped but it brings back memories of the early 1990's when there were massive health care cuts and lay offs.  I was laid off for three years.  An entire generation of nurses were lost to other areas, a lot went to the States.  It was a horrible time and those memories came flooding back.

I'm trying to take better care of myself.  I've been so tired lately with one thing and another.  Fatigue affects my depression, plus the short days.  I took a couple of days of vacation this week to rest and restore myself.  The weather is nice right now so I'll take the dog out later, when the sun comes up, for a walk which both of us will enjoy.  The dog discovered the waste basket filled with Kleenex in my bathroom this morning and had a great time shredding them.  She's never done that in that 3.5 years that we've had her and I don't know why she did it this morning.  Boredom?  Irritation?  Who knows.

We had a lovely visit with Katie last weekend.  She continues to do well in her new home.  I am thankful.  She is happy and she is learning.  She continues to enjoy the new word "with" and loves to use it.  I accidently popped her balloon on the weekend, minutes after I paid for it and she was not pleased with me.  I apologized, said sorry but she persisted.  I had to laugh because when she hurts someone she always, relentlessly says sorry.  On Sunday she found out that a sorry is not that satisfying sometimes.  The shoe was on the other foot and she noticed it for the first time.  It's progress.  

My feet are still sore but I've taken matters into my own hands.  I saw a physiotherapist because I think they know far more about musculoskeletal problems than doctors do.  They are also proactive.  My doctor prescribed a topical cream for the pain and a proton pump inhibitor for my stomach because NSAIDS bother my stomach.  The cream did nothing for the pain.  The proton pump inhibitor has side effects like increased risk of cancer and heart attack as well as rebound hyperacidity when you stop taking them.  Not helpful, so I haven't taken them.

The physio did a detailed assessment and then gave me exercises and iced my feet, see above.  Hopefully this will help more.  Staying off my feet more has helped.  I'm doing my stretches and exercises with my fingers crossed.

I thought my sourdough starter had died but I took it out of the fridge and fed it and it's doing well.  Yeast are tough buggers.  Sadly I can't make any sourdough right now because of the state of my kitchen but I'm glad the starter is still alive.

It started snowing on Friday and snowed all day yesterday.  The sun has finally come out, a little.  I saw two large flocks of Canada geese flying south this morning.  I guess they've had enough.

I'm breathing when I'm angry or having negative thoughts and it's helping.  Five deep breaths.  I'm doing it a fair bit because apparently I have a lot of negative thoughts.  The good news is I can manage five or ten or fifteen breaths.  I can't seem to commit to twenty minutes of meditation so it's a good compromise for me.  Even the kitchen reno hasn't been awful for me yet.  I don't like it but I know it will end.

The days are getting much shorter.  The cold is coming and it will probably start snowing next week.  It's not a surprise;  I've lived here for almost fifty years but still  I miss the light.

I love the fall, it's what comes after that's hard.  The monochromatic landscape which has it's own beauty but I do love colors.  Right now everything is brown.  When the snow starts, everything will be white and the light will be blue to me.  Maybe not everyone sees the blue light but it feels like that's all I see in the winter.

It's been busy at work.  One young guy has been coming to us for the past three years.  He has metastatic bowel cancer.  Every time he visits I can see the decline.  He came in yesterday for a scan and he's in a wheelchair now.  He's thirty-four years old.  I asked him if I could give him a hug and he said yes.  Another seventy year old lady with lung cancer came in two days ago.  She was only diagnosed five months ago and the cancer has spread to her liver and adrenals.  She's still in shock and started to cry when I talked to her.  I hugged her too, twice for good measure.

We lost one of our good young nurses to another job;  he loves the job but I miss him.  He was a breath of fresh air.  My favorite radiologist is leaving to go to another job in the new year.  He will be deeply missed by all.  Change is a constant but I do get tired of it.

I'm trying my five breath meditation to see if that helps.  It has a little.  I'm trying to stop my negative thoughts, so I take five deep breaths.  If that doesn't work, then five more.  Still the sadness lurks, just under the surface, waiting for the dark to overwhelm me.  Fuck I hate depression.

Things I'm thankful for today.
Our grandson will be staying with us on Saturday night.
The kitchen reno has been scaled down and will start soon.
The love of a good man.
My friends who love me.
Chickadees and woodpeckers that visit our bird feeders.

What are you thankful for today?

This past week has been stressful at work.  One of my coworkers is a very difficult person to work with.  She is passive aggressive, lazy, slow, and generally inept.  She finds problems where there are none and doesn't see problems where they do exist.  She doesn't trust anyone, believes she knows best always and wastes patients' time.  What gets me the most is her inability to admit or learn from her mistakes.  We all make mistakes but we acknowledge them and we learn from them.  She doesn't, so for the past eight years that I've worked with her, I have watched her make the same mistakes over and over and over again.  It's tiresome.  When I point out a mistake to her, she blinks and then nothing.  No acknowledgement, nothing.  She also doesn't pay attention.  The other day she asked when we had changed a process at work and I told her about a year and a half ago;  that's how long it takes her to notice anything.

Anyway, one of the young nurses got a job over in nuclear medicine.  It's a full time position which is what he wanted.  He was probably the youngest candidate but he will be fantastic for it.  I urged him to apply for it and I'm so glad he got the job, even though it means we will lose him.  His present position was only temporary.

My coworker had also applied for the job but she wouldn't have gotten the position.  Her shortcomings are well known and nobody wants her.  To save face, she pulled her application and at the front desk, told the young nurse this news, including the fact that she didn't want the job, it was a terrible job and on and on.  She shit on his parade.  I know it's sour grapes but it's rude and unprofessional.  She continued on with this theme this week.  She told him that if he can't cut it in the new position, he can always come back to his temp position.

When I hear this I get angry and I feel myself absorbing all of her anger and dissatisfaction which brings me down.  I've felt tired and grumpy this past week, unable to articulate what was going on inside my head.  I can feel my shoulders tightening up and with that comes a lovely headache.  Writing this out helps me understand it a bit better.  I have been absorbing her negativity without realizing it.  I imagine the same thing happened with my ex-husband and even my father, two very angry men.

I know I am responsible for my own moods but understanding how my mood is affected is useful information for me.  I will miss this young nurse very much.  He is such a good person.  He's kind, thoughtful, hard working, compassionate, knowledgeable and eager to learn.  He was like a breath of fresh air in our department.  He gave me hope which I didn't realize until now.

So life goes on.  Another lesson learned, another season passes.

My week in photos.

My grandson ended up at our place for three days and nights, the nights are the important part here.  His mama was really sick, vomiting, fever and abdominal pain.  We assumed a stomach bug and didn't want the little guy to get sick.  She was also way to sick to take care of him, so I left work on Thursday and picked up the little guy and took him home.

On Friday, Miss Katie had a psychiatrist appointment which she couldn't miss so I packed my grandson and Miss Katie and one of her caregivers and drove across town to see the doctor.  It went well and Katie is doing well.  I drove Katie and her caregiver back to Katie's and then drove to the University area to pick up the big guy.  My grandson and I spent four hours driving back and forth across town, neither one of us were too happy.  Gracie was still vomiting and sick through all of this, laying on her couch, refusing to go to emergency.  She's terrified of hospitals.

Saturday I told Gracie the big guy was taking her to emergency, even if he had to physically carry her out of the house.  She finally relented because she was feeling worse and was not getting better.  The doctor thought she might have gallstones.  She got fluids and meds and then the big guy had to drive her into the city to another hospital.  Gallstones were ruled out and so was pancreatitis.  Thank goodness.  In the end, the doctor decided it was probably a stomach virus combined with the fucking keto diet she's been on.  She picked up the little guy last night at about eight pm and she looked so much better.  She missed her baby and wanted to take him home.  The little guy was happy to see his mama too.

These tomatoes have been sitting on my counter since I picked them two weeks ago.  I want to make tomato sauce with them but you know, babies.  I am beat, so is the big guy.  Three nights of interrupted sleep take it's toll much more quickly when you're older.  So does carrying around a little guy.  And all of that shit that I always forget upstairs, much more work when I have to carry a baby up and down stairs again and again and again.  My back is sore, my whole right side is sore.  This didn't happen thirty years ago when I had my last baby.

Hopefully today, maybe, I will get to my tomatoes.  If not, my young neighbor who was three kids and way more energy than me will be gifted with them.

On Thursday when we got home with the little guy, the dog had vomited a couple of times so I started off with dog vomit cleaning.  And then there was baby milk vomit for three days and then this morning more dog vomit.  Sigh.  The dog has always had a sensitive stomach, a beagle with a sensitive stomach is an oxymoron, I think.  So now I'm boiling chicken for my sensitive dog and she's passed out on the floor, still not feeling well.  Normally she sits on top of the big guy, if she's on the floor, somethings wrong with her.  We'll see how the boiled chicken works.

And me, I'm beat but I'm so thankful we got to spend those three days with our grandson.  Also very thankful Gracie is feeling better.  Next weekend we're heading to Jasper which I'm looking forward to;  we'll catch up with our friend there and spend time outside taking photos.  Bliss.

One of the waterfalls we saw on our to Vancouver.  I do love waterfalls.  They're right up there with trees in my estimation.

Life continues on.  I'm doing a good job of not being impulsive and doing stupid things that I will regret in the future.  I'm starting to understand and believe that most things are outside of my control.  I started taking CBD oil at night a couple of days ago and I'm sleeping much better and my knee hurts less.

Fall is starting around here.  Already leaves are starting to change color.  The shadows are getting longer and the days are getting noticeable shorter.  My garden looks worse for the wear.  Flowers are making their last ditch effort to reproduce.  My tomatoes are looking scraggly and the bottom leaves are turning brown and curling up.  Slugs and scarlet lily beetles are taking their toll on some of my plants.  It will be time to put the whole thing to bed soon and let it rest for the winter.

We took our grandson down to Red Deer on Sunday to visit his great grandma.  She has dementia but she was so happy to see him.  She still lives in her own home, supported by her children.  She asked us the same questions again and again and we kindly answered them again and again.  She has always been kind to me even though I broke up with her son thirty-four years ago.

The little guy was not a happy camper on Sunday and on Monday a tooth finally busted through his gums so at least we know why he was so cranky.

Drama continues to swirl around him and so far he remains oblivious to it which I am thankful for.  I am even more thankful that I am stepping back from the drama and not letting it affect me so much.  

I have buns baking in the oven and I will take the dog for a nice long walk this morning before I pick up Miss Katie for her doctor appointment and maybe lunch.  Gracie and the little guy are coming over for supper.  And I'm learning.  Learning to wait.  Learning to listen.  Learning to stand back.