Thursday, October 24, 2019
The days are getting much shorter. The cold is coming and it will probably start snowing next week. It's not a surprise; I've lived here for almost fifty years but still I miss the light.
I love the fall, it's what comes after that's hard. The monochromatic landscape which has it's own beauty but I do love colors. Right now everything is brown. When the snow starts, everything will be white and the light will be blue to me. Maybe not everyone sees the blue light but it feels like that's all I see in the winter.
It's been busy at work. One young guy has been coming to us for the past three years. He has metastatic bowel cancer. Every time he visits I can see the decline. He came in yesterday for a scan and he's in a wheelchair now. He's thirty-four years old. I asked him if I could give him a hug and he said yes. Another seventy year old lady with lung cancer came in two days ago. She was only diagnosed five months ago and the cancer has spread to her liver and adrenals. She's still in shock and started to cry when I talked to her. I hugged her too, twice for good measure.
We lost one of our good young nurses to another job; he loves the job but I miss him. He was a breath of fresh air. My favorite radiologist is leaving to go to another job in the new year. He will be deeply missed by all. Change is a constant but I do get tired of it.
I'm trying my five breath meditation to see if that helps. It has a little. I'm trying to stop my negative thoughts, so I take five deep breaths. If that doesn't work, then five more. Still the sadness lurks, just under the surface, waiting for the dark to overwhelm me. Fuck I hate depression.
Things I'm thankful for today.
Our grandson will be staying with us on Saturday night.
The kitchen reno has been scaled down and will start soon.
The love of a good man.
My friends who love me.
Chickadees and woodpeckers that visit our bird feeders.
What are you thankful for today?